Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

You are right to support your DD to get well and hopefully she will explain more when she feels able. You don't want to worry in future that she can't/ won't tell you if things are difficult.

For what it's worth, my brother barely scraped a Pass degree (too much partying and drinking and missing lectures). Got a very basic job then a few years later moved into another area of work which required further study. Interested and motivated he achieved top marks nationally!

I think the advice to feed and nourish her and let her gently rebuild at home without pressure is good advice. When she's ready, she'll talk but whether it was mental health, academic struggles or something else altogether, she needs help to heal from it. Practical steps like a nice walk or doing a bit of gardening can be helpful too. I hope with time your daughter finds a route forward that brings her joy.

Hi @UniversityProblems I am so sorry your DD has had such a difficult time. It must have been so hard for her to keep hiding what had happened and then finally tell.

Apologies if I have missed this, but were you aware she had failed her first go at the foundation year? Or did she allow you to think she had moved to the first year proper?

It sounds as tho she went from amazing GCSEs and high A level PGs to less strong actual A level results and then uni really not being the place for her. If you cannot get through the F year then that’s not a great sign – in the sense of whether uni is right for you I mean. You don’t say what course which is fair enough for sure, but if it was something quite high pressure and high contact such as engineering or vet med (can you even do an F year for that? I don’t even know) then I think that won't have helped her.

I know numerous YP who have struggled at uni in various ways, with various outcomes. That btw includes me – went from top dog at school to nobody at a uni where everyone else on my course seemed to have spent the previous year living in Germany (MFL degree). I did go on and got my degree. Some people on my course did not tho. Equally some of the more recent YP I know have continued and graduated, some have left uni, at various stages.

It will work out in the end. I suggest strongly that despite your desire to see what the uni can offer her, that uni life, independent study, is not for her. I wouldn't worry too much rn about why that is. Get her physically well, mentally better and then start to talk about what she can do now, what she would like to do now.

All the best to her.

I’m so sorry OP. I hope she gets strong soon and finds her way. Hopefully she will feel stronger in a few days with food and rest.

How did you end up finding out?

Gosh. I am sorry to hear this. Such a shock. I work at a University, and I think they probably wouldn't be able to discuss anything with you without DD's consent, as she is an adult.

I imagine she was ashamed and felt she had failed you, which was why she didn't tell you - but I expect she is now very relieved now she is no longer carrying that big secret. Don't press her too hard and I am sure she will open up when she's ready. Uni really isn't for everyone, but something will be - and she will find her way, I'm sure. Give her space to process and ensure she knows how loved she is. Her wellbeing is paramount - everything else can wait. Take care, OP.

a friend of mine did the same thing at uni.. she had an abortion and completely broke down after it and left university without telling her parents. Once her parents found out they supported her to work out what she wanted to do with her life. She applied for nursing and loved it and never looked back.

Op sending big hugs. If you live anywhere close to CJ and want a therapist DM me.. this is a familiar narrative and there’s a lot of CBT type support that could get your DD back on track.

Otherwise, love her unconditionally and give her time and space to figure out what’s next.

Yes. Look after her.

And my parents weren’t interested in finding out why I failed the first time - they only wanted to know I was studying. So I kept up the pretence that I was doing fine in my second degree course but it was even worse tbh, the bar was just lower so I didn’t completely fail. I’ve never been able to be honest with them with any problems since.

What I mean to say is that it’s important to work on building a connection with your daughter so that she feels she can open up to you without feeling judgement and shame. She needs to feel she can fail and that it’s ok.

@UniversityProblems in answer to tour questions about approaching the university they simply will not discuss it with you or have the ability to do so as your DD is an adult.

Whilst I appreciate as a parent that maybe frustrating there is little to no point going back through it.

It's brilliant that your DD is surrounded by love. Focus for your DD will be what other careers or aspirations she has and there is more than 1 way to achieve it for many professions. Keep reminding her of that and her self worth.

There are quite high-profile cases where parents have taken universities to court and won after something awful has happened, which means the rules about 'absolutely never speaking to parents without the student's permission' aren't quite as watertight as they once were — but this would be for enrolled students where there were safeguarding issues around something like mental heath, and it sounds like your DD hasn't been a student for a long while. It's probably best to draw a line under this experience and start again with thinking about what she might do next.

Also when I failed out my parents immediately pushed me to find a new course to enroll in. I chose a completely different subject (science to business) within a week. I completed the degree but I hated all of it, I did the work but my mind was only half present and I was deeply unhappy - it was the biggest mistake ever.

What will happen re her accommodation, OP? Will it perhaps be possible to let the room to another student for the summer term?

I was this child too. I got good grades, got into a prestigious degree course, and I completely fell apart and failed out. I thought I was burned out at the time but actually I think I had been masking throughout school. I was too ashamed to tell anyone I was struggling until it was too late, and even then I kept up the pretence to my parents. Still can’t talk to them about it to this day.

Are you an Asian or East Asian family by any chance? (I am.) I think the shame of failing exams and uni feels much greater because of the great expectation to do well and to be seen to do well.

What sort of work is she interested in? Are there likely to be vacancies in that area? If not some sort of work, anything that pays should be good for her self esteem and independence.

It sounds as if you’re doing everything you need to do for your dd. As long as she’s eating healthily and eating well, that’s all that matters. Everything else can wait. I would look at getting her some therapy if you think it could help and she’s willing and able to attend. It could help her to decompress.

You sound like you’re looking after very well.

What were her actual grades in the end?

Sounds like she needs a year out and some therapy to figure out what’s going on.

@UniversityProblems your DD doesn't sound a million miles away from me when I was her age. I was a straight A student in school, 11A* at GCSE - didn't really revise either, but when it came to A Level I thought I didn't need to revise as I hadn't had to for GCSE so I came out with an A,B and C. Not terrible but I was predicted As. I went to uni and went out all the time, almost failed the first year and just scraped through. I was and still am terrible with deadlines and I just wasn't motivated. I did however manage to turn it round and end up with a first but I really struggled mentally and socially. My son was diagnosed with ASD at 3 and I suspect I have it too. I studied a creative design course and was very fixated on details and things being perfect that I ran out of time and missed deadlines and I found the social side of it overwhelming. I also suffered with depression and an eating disorder (think that was a control thing) but I suppose my thoughts on this are that you should just make home a safe space for your daughter until she's ready to talk. This happens to lots of people and doesn't set the path for the rest of her life. There is no good or bad decision, just own the decision you make. Some of my most successful friends are ones that didn't go to uni. Some of the least successful ones are ones that went to uni but didn't find jobs after or drifted into a career they didn't want. I also did a stint at home after uni and hated it and it gave me the motivation to apply for jobs and move away. When your daughter is ready to talk try to work out what happened and help her take her next steps.

Just because someone is bright or does well at school it doesn't mean uni is the right thing for them.

This happened to DH who dropped out in his third year but didn't tell his parents and to the son of a friend who is smart but dropped out recently and stayed in his uni city where he got a job. There will be other options for her.

Which subject has she been studying, OP and which career was she hoping to pursue when she selected her course?