Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

I think she needs to be at home with you for a little longer, that's fine. Maybe a local Uni or college course might work better for her or straight into employment. I think employment actually, let her have a break from academia and earn a bit of money. I had a couple of years in work after my undergraduate degree and then went back to Uni for a masters and felt highly motivated.

OP, is it possible that it was just the course that was wrong, not being at university? Is there something else she would like to study? If so, maybe going to her local uni and living at home would be better. It does sound like she needs support.

If not uni, there are other training opportunities, for which hopefully she could live at home too. An example would be hairdressing/beautician training. People pay a fortune for massages, highlights etc! Or there's the police, or primary-teacher training, or nursing. I know the last two involve uni, but they might be courses that suit her better. Also, there are apprenticeships.

It's not the end of the world! So this course didn't work out. There are plenty of other things she can do!

Well done for bringing her home and for looking for suggestions for how to help her. That in itself says to me you will find a way to get her through this. I definitely think this is more common than people realise - young people struggle but don’t want to confront the issues or disappoint anyone. I would let her decompress for a bit, encourage her to check in with her GP around mood / weight if you think there are issues there, and maybe in a little while encourage her to look into some volunteering or a low pressure job in something she might enjoy to build some skills and get some confidence back. Loads of people have a false start or several false starts before they find their feet. It’s hard when they have told such a massive untruth but it’s just desperation at that point and she must have felt so awful. At least now it’s all out in the open and you have her home. Some young people end up ending their lives in this kind of situation because they just don’t know how to get out of it, you have done so well to see what’s happening and get her home. She’s safely home, the rest will fall into place when she’s ready.

Agree with this. Especially as she has lost loads of weight.

This must be really upsetting for you all. I completely understand, and have worked in support for students at university for 20 years.
My top pointers just now would be:

• Let her 'be' for a little while. Continue to be supportive, and make sure she gets healthy - both physically and emotionally. Offer to be there to listen to her.
• Practically, the university won't talk to you as the parent, unless your daughter provides written confirmation you can discuss. She's a young adult, despite everything, and HEIs have to make sure they are not discussing students/ex-students with parents who might be estranged or abusive, for example. (Not for one moment suggesting this is the case for you.)
• A clock starts ticking when a student is required to withdraw through failure/non-submission. In my experience, I've not seen an appeal be heard once 8 weeks have passed. This seems likely that it means the ship has sailed with this course/university.
• You've had some good advice on getting a potential diagnosis for your daughter. I would say that if you have that, she would be a candidate for consideration under contextualised admissions, where any disability would be taken into consideration at application stage.
• If she wants to go back to study, she needs to be prepared to be open with any other universities she applies for about what's gone wrong this time around. If she did have an SEN diagnosis, for example, this would be quite a compelling reason. I think it would be fairly unlikely she would get back in to do the same thing in the same place - but might do, if it's a recruiting course, rather than selecting.
• Finally - telling extended family and friends is up to her. She has to be ready to do that. The reasons for her coming home are really nobody else's business. Just 'I'm not at Uni any more' is fine. Shame and gossip isn't helpful in these situations.

You sound like a lovely mum and she sounds like a lovely DD. I suspect it’s a small lie that got out of hand and became a massive one. What course was she studying?

just keep things normal but don’t let her fester and withdraw - walks, normal life and exercise will help I hope. In time she might want to talk but it might help to tell her you love her, understand something has been going on but you don’t judge her and if she is ready to share you are here.

Your poor girl. I glad she is home. X

What is the subject and what were her A level grades?

Good post from @MojoMoon

This in particular resonated:
I think he may have had very structured teaching and close supervision of his studies at school and so didn't really have the independent study skills required for university. He seemed quite sheltered as well so I think not living at home had been harder than anticipated for him in first year.

I think this is a real and perhaps understated issue. I would not presume to say this is the case for your DD @UniversityProblems as ofc it may not be; but I know a good number of YP who have had an issue in this way.

I wish I could tell you all the people I know who have left uni without their degree @UniversityProblems – not bc it will console you, necessarily (tho I do believe that experiences are not wasted if we can learn from them) but to show how common it is.

my eldest struggled with the transition from high school to uni, developed extreme exam anxiety and although excellent at class and course work failed multiple courses due to the final exam...two years later he returned home.
worked and insisted he really really wanted to take the uni course that he had his heart set on. we said he could only do courses at the local college, this is where we got to see the excellent work he was doing and equally the debilitating anxiety that had developed to exams (vomiting diarrhea). with a few successful courses under his belt from the local college (which only offered the first two years of uni courses) he then moved away to another well regarded college. eventually assessed, diagnosed with inattentive adhd. while working part time and taking courses part time he eventually completed his desired degree.
no employer cared, the fact it took him several years to complete his degree didn't have any repercussions.

so op, what ever caused your dd to struggle the past 2 years. it will be okay.
at some point you and her will need to know what courses she did complete.

Oh, and she's entitled to sign on with the job centre and get help from them too.

I thought it might help to have some ideas to help her get back on her feet bit by bit (things my mum got me going with when I dropped out or was struggling mentally in my late teens and early twenties). Going to the gym, singing in a choir, voluntary work, part time work at the local pub, short course at the local college. Dad dragged me on obligatory dog walks and a bit of hill walking. I suspect I was a bit grumpy for some of it, but it did build me back up. I'd spent my whole childhood being defined by being 'the clever one' and without that and a 'proper job' I didn't know who I was, or how to value myself. All those activities helped to put the pieces back together. But in the end, it was only when I met my husband to be that he told me he loved me for being kind, not clever that I got it sorted out in my (probably ASD black and white thinking) head. So find things to praise her for, and say them out loud ( I don't know why but my mum and dad never did).

Are you sure it is your daughter’s dream and not yours?

My DS is just about to leave his Foundation year, I think… he’s still been at home, though, so it’s been quite obvious, but the experience just hasn’t suited him at all. The course subject still interests him, but the learning methods and the wider experience he was ‘sold’ at the open days have been nothing like he thought. He is very disillusioned…
Its hard to watch because I really regret not taking my chance to go to uni and could be in a very different place by now if I had - but I’m trying not to project my feelings onto him and to respect his journey. I hope your daughter is soon back on her feet and finds her path, OP - it’s tough x

When I was at uni 20 years ago, a friend lived in a house share with two other students in second year.

One of his housemates had failed first year, failed the summer resits in August and so was not actually a student when they all moved in for the start of term at end of Sept.

This housemate lied to both of the other housemates for an entire year that he was going to lectures etc. he would leave the house and say "I've for medieval military history this morning".

They realised this in the second term when they spoke to some other people on the same course.
So they would ask "how was your day? What was the lecture on today?" And he would give them all this detail about what they had studied that day that was all made up. He would ring his mum and tell her all about his course as well and complain about essay deadlines.

They didn't let him know they knew. The other two were doing a third year abroad so there was no question of renewing the lease and he claimed he was going to move in for third year with some other people from his course

He went home that summer and they never heard from him again.

Incredible set of lies to keep up for a year. I do wonder what happened to him.

I think he was deeply ashamed of having failed and just didn't know how to accept it. I think he may have had very structured teaching and close supervision of his studies at school and so didn't really have the independent study skills required for university. He seemed quite sheltered as well so I think not living at home had been harder than anticipated for him in first year.

So it isn't that rare. I think she needs some reassurance that she hasn't disappointed you or anyone else but also don't let her fester at home moping and not doing anything for too long. She needs to get back out into the world rapidly so that she doesn't start to view herself as a failure stuck at home who isn't capable of more.
She needs something new - part time job in a bar, volunteering role, etc. Something that helps build some self-confidence up again and independence. The skills atrophy if they aren't being used.

She can then think about next steps, studying or working.

I used to work in a university. Sometimes i would find myself talking to a very troubled student who felt they were on a course they didnt like or were struggling with. I would explain to them that life consisted of many paths and that it was ok if you found yourself on the wrong path,to change direction. It was a great relief to many to realise it is quite common for students to experience finding themselves on the wrong course. For some university wasnt the right path for them.Also, some passed modules can sometimes count as credits towards other courses. I wish your daughter well.

What shared housing is your DD in? Is it connected to the university?