Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

Shame? All that potential that the poor girl couldn't fulfil for whatever reason?

OP, you have said that your daughter is "emaciated".

I think that it would be advisable for her to speak to your local GP practice about re-registering and also to make an appointment to discuss her
emaciation and the best way forward.

Apologies in advance I haven't read full thread but what you describe is not unusual at all. I am in Ireland so appreciate things may be different but the drop out rate in university here has increased a lot. Students are working so hard to achieve the grades to get there that the reality of university and the skills needed to sustain their place are lacking. Skills such as self motivation, managing your own assignments, big anonymous lectures etc without anyone encouraging you or guiding you can be tough. It sounds like academically she is fine but emotionally she was just not ready. My own brother failed 1st year got the repeats and then failed 2nd year, he dropped out worked for a while and went back to do something completely different he was more mature and ready and thrived.

My advice would be to give her time to recover from the experience, it has been tough, encourage her to maybe take a part-time job to build some work experience and get back to a routine look into a local courses that may offer support to build life skills, personal development etc and look at re-applying next year if she feels ready. It is tough she didn't feel able to fill you in on what was going on but hopefully your support now will make her realise you would have been a good support so she won't keep you in the dark again. My dd1 is autistic and in her final year at school, we (and she) feel going straight into uni could be a disaster for her because she does not transition very well and will probably spend the first term just trying to adjust and cope in a new overwhelming and over stimulating environment. We and she has decided she will do a year long adult further education course close to home in the area of study she is interested in, it includes modules on study skills, writing assignments, life skills etc and then she will be older and more ready for uni. These kind of pre university courses are very popular in Ireland and often a more sustainable pathway into university because you can also use the results you get for university access, you are slightly older and more ready.

She sounds very similar to myself 6 years ago. I went to uni but only stayed for 4 months as it didn’t suit me at all. I have since been diagnosed with autism and honestly it makes so much sense university was just not a place I would thrive! I had A*s going into the course but just hated the lack of contact hours and structure. I came home with no plan and worked a retail job for a year. Then I decided i wanted to do an apprenticeship so I started that just over a year after I left. I am now chartered in my industry, have my own little house. Not that it is the important thing but I out earn all my friends who went to uni. I just want to show that having a pause and coming home was the best thing for me and I felt so so behind in life at the time but sometimes you need that to get on a path more suitable for your own nature.

Foundation years exist for this reason though, not everyone is able to get the grades at 17/18 for a variety of reasons or they might pass one A Level and not the other two. I believe certain Oxford colleges have them. They’re important for mature students too.

Anyway uni definitely isn’t for everyone and I’d say in every cohort I teach 1-2 students drop out or flunk first year, although drop out rates are higher in second year when the pressure really tends to hit. I think the jump from A Level is higher than many realise and I honestly think 18 is too young for many. Always advise people take a year out to work or travel before starting, just to make sure it’s definitely for them and gain some life experience.

It is very unlikely that the uni let her go without any contact to her. So there should be a paper trail somewhere

I left school at 18 with four average Highers. Two Bs and two Cs. I did one year of an HND -hated it. Failed. Came home. Went back to school to do another 3 Highers-started a degree the next year.

For me it was a combination of the wrong course -and I hated being away from home.

Got my degree. Did two post grads and graduated last year from the ou with a degree in criminology and sociology .(I had reasons why I started that one. Long story).

It's okay to fail. I have failed loads of exams in my life -but I got there in the end

I did my last degree with the ou. It's self study and it's hard -but it might be an option if she ever wants to go back. You don't need any qualifications either

Sometimes you just need a re set. It doesn't mean you aren't capable

I think at some point she should let you know what went wrong. It's harder to support someone when you don't know why they've been suffering

No, no, no. She has effectively failed 3x (A-levels and 2 years at uni). Why would you keep pushing her to do something that doesn't suit her? Think of the harm that'll do to her (sounds like) fragile self-esteem.

She doesn't NEED uni to be a success in life.

What you do now, how you care for her and support her, will be the important factor.

I left university without my degree despite being bright and capable. I was seriously ill and had to resit my first year, and I think when I went back I was just a bit done with studying. Nothing more than that. I fully immersed myself in student life. But there became a point I just wasn’t enrolled on a course. My parents had no idea, and I just put my head in the sand. I got a job around the time I would have left and was just a bit vague with my parents about the whole graduation thing.

While I really regret not getting my degree (and the massive overdraft I ran up) and it’s led to a few awkward conversations over the years (particularly with prospective employers), ultimately things turned out fine and I have a very successful career and senior leadership role.

I share this (having tweaked a few outing details) because for me, there was no trauma or stress or drama. I just dug myself in a hole that I never got around to getting out of, and to be honest, I was having too much fun participating in student life to deal with the inconvenient problem that I wasn’t doing my degree. I don’t know what’s going on with your daughter, you’ll find out in good time and figure out how to deal with it. Me, looking back, what I needed was my parents to find out and give me a good kick up the backside. They never did though, it was years before I fessed up!

I have been through something like this with my DS. I am not going to lie; it has taken him a long time to recover. He suffered from extreme generalized anxiety and became incapable of attending lectures or completing any work. He dropped out, managed to get a minimum wage retail job, and eventually, after years after stagnation, went back to uni online, got a BA, and has recently got a TEFL qualification. He is now looking for TEFL work, but his years of inertia are still a ball and chain.

Try not to look too far into the future. Take one step at a time. For now, what your daughter needs is your love. She also badly needs to acknowledge to someone - not necessarily you - the reasons why uni didn't work out for her, and her share of the responsibility. She has to be clear in her own mind about "what went wrong". My son refused any kind of therapy or help; he insisted he had to do it all on his own, and of course, when someone is in that mindset there is no way to get through to them. I hope you have better luck with your daughter.

But that's still in the future. For now, all you need to do is love her. But don't spoil her; make sure she has responsibilities around the house she needs to fulfill.

My son has international students in his course who have almost no English and no way of following a lecture but they pay a lot of money to the Unis and that's all that matters for a business*

As someone who has put children—and now grandchildren—through British universities as international students, and who has seen many of my children’s schoolmates and other family members go on to Western universities, I tend to take claims that students have “almost no English” with a pinch of salt and question the motives behind making them.

Bless her.

I had similar with dd during COVID, thought she was doing her lectures online in her bedroom and she wasn’t. Found out after a few months and she’d failed the year by then.

I do agree with others that for your dd it doesn’t sound like university was right for her. I wouldn’t even talk about future decisions for a good few weeks.

if she finished her second year she may have had enough credits for a HE diploma. Even finishing year 1 may have got her a certificate in HE so that’s worth her checking

she needs to rest and reset
no decisions needed

it May be worth finding out from your daughter if she’s had any help from (or can still access) the student support at her uni?
it’s often the case that students have access to counselling, careers advice, SEN assessment via their uni - and this can be much much more quickly accessed than any nhs resources.
she shouldn’t need to be onsite as she can probably access it remotely, but it may depend on whether she’s still registered, etc.
big hugs tho. To you both.

The only way this post makes sense is if you are a rapist.

Ah it sounds like you are being really supportive of her and that’s all she needs right now.

I don’t really have much to add advice wise but just to say I dropped out of University and I have gone on to have a decent (whatever that means) career and further studies etc it just wasn’t the right time or environment for me. One thing I will say and I don’t say this to be negative at all - I do wish I’d delved a bit harder into why I left ie was it the course/uni itself because I just kind of left without much consideration. I’m not saying this to worry you but just ask her is she ok and sure she doesn’t want to continue studying elsewhere at this stage - ie for September and this isn’t a conversation I’m saying you should have with her now but just to keep in mind

Anyway she’ll be fine no matter what because she has a lovely supportive family. This doesn’t define her or how her young adult life will be . Hopefully with the pressure off and lots of love she’ll get back to where she was x

Sadly, I'm not so sure that it is. Two of my friends' daughters were raped while at University.

This has happened to me, in that i was the student who failed first year, repeated, failed again and pretended I was still at university. I can't properly explain why, my brother was born when I was 12 and had severe learning difficulties so my parents were very preoccupied with him, despite being lovely. I was a people pleaser and a perfectionist, and struggled if I failed. I really didnt want to go to uni but my parents were set on it and at that time there weren't many other options. I have also recently as an adult been diagnosed with ADHD, which I think had a real effect on maturity and ability to deal with issues. My parents are lovely but were side tracked and too set on uni is the righg way. At uni I ended up self harming as a cry for help. My parents were quite cross at first but calmed down and were lovely. Helped me work out a plan and I went into work, and in time did a degree while working which was far better for me as it provided structure. There are different options now, lots of apprenticeships and that would have been a brilliant option for me. If it helps I am now 50, a Chief People Officer with children of my own. Stay calm, help her work through options get her some counselling, let her see there is a way through. I would try if possible to get her doing something, even if it's voluntary soon. Doing nothing is rarely a good thing. Don't blame yourselves, we all do what we think is best, but work with your daughter now to find the best way forwards.

What she needs now is cups of tea, Netflix (watch together) good food (cook together) the odd take away maybe and lots of peace and quiet.

Is there anything she enjoys in the house, things like crafts or adult colouring books.

There is no point contacting the uni, they can't tell you anything.

There are a few possibilities:

She didn't want to go to uni but felt she had to / didn't know what else to do
She struggled with the course and could not get back on track.
She studied the wrong subject.
She had something traumatic happen, not necessarily what a PP said, it could be breaking up with a boyfriend / girlfriend, she could have been ill, mentally and / or physically

None of that matters right now. It might never matter.

She needs to not just know, but also feel she is loved. That is what you can do now. If she wants to talk to you she will.

Is it just the two of you?

Check out the Universoty’s Assessment Regulations. They should be easily accessible on the website. They will be clear on timelines. There will be differences on whether she chose to withdraw; or whether she was required to withdraw. She will have this reason on her exit paperwork.
Once you know this, you can move forward with knowing whether there’s grounds for academic appeal.
Also, please do consider contacting the Students Association/Students Union offices. It’s not just for sports and societies, but offers really good advice and support for students in these situations.
Tell her not to worry. We’ve seen/heard it all before. People will be as understanding as they can, but there are rules, for everyone’s sake.
Finally, this isn’t the be all and end all. Being happy is more important. It might seem like the end of the world right now, but in a few years, this will just be a blip.

Just to say I think you sound like a great mum! I wanted to share my experience from being in your daughter position.

I once didn’t tell my family about a big (negative) life event that happened to me, not dropping out of uni, but similar. I also lied to everyone for many months about it, pretending everything was fine when it really wasn’t. I also lost a lot of weight from dealing with the stress of it all on my own.

I couldn’t really articulate why I didn’t tell them at first. Maybe because at first it felt too big of a thing to tell them and I was just focusing on making it through each day. And maybe it felt nice to pretend for an hour every few days when speaking to my family that everything was okay.

Also my family had some other hard stuff going on at the time and I didn’t want to make things worse by burdening them with my problems as well.

Then as time went on, I wanted to tell them but then I was worried about how I would explain why I didn’t tell them when it first happened, and if they’d be angry about that. And then it just spiraled and became this massive thing that I just didn’t know how to fix.

I have since had therapy and have talked through some things with my family about why I found it difficult to share when bad things happened to me, and there was some things in my childhood that led to it - which therapy helped me realise.

A big one was my mums depression - when I was younger I didn’t like upsetting my mum because I knew she was already upset sort of thing, and this feeling made its way into my adult life as well.

Your daughter is probably feeling very relived right now, but also may need some time to decompress. I would recommend getting her a few therapy sessions, so she can talk freely without fear of judgement.