Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

And before I step out of this thread OP. This isn't on you. But there is something wrong that your daughter could not say why she failed. I'm not suggesting that's on you -but at some point you need to have that conversation and you need clarity on why she lied to you -why she went back to uni in September when she had no course to start

Driving lessons aren't going to sort it in my view and it doesn't matter how happy and chatty she was -she lied to you. It sounds like she was suffering from serious depression and couldn't tell you she was failing-and I get that.

But the most concerning thing is that she went back for a third year knowing she had no course to go to.

And -for the people who think she needs to go out and earn her keep

If you are struggling really badly mentally -its not that easy. It's for the OP to decide what's best for her family -not us

I've been in places over the last six years where I could barely get out of my bed -never mind earn my keep

During the worst of the stuff I was going through mentally I was just glad my flat was paid for

A 20 year old girl who is emaciated should not be put in under any pressure right now -she clearly needs a large re set

And for the record. Even though all my family have degrees. I wouldn't care if they didn't

My mum is doing an open university degree and she's 77 next week

Sorry what? I graduated for the first time in 1992. When poor people like me got grants and my mum gave me some parental contribution as was expected even though she didn't earn a lot

My second BA degree was done part time -if you live in Scotland and you earn less than 25k you can do a degree part time and get it paid for. Similar in Wales and NI

And the only reason I am back at university this time is because I shattered my leg to pieces two years ago and can't work

The first time I did an ou degree it was because I was stalked and couldn't cope and had to give up my shit zero hours job

This time it's because I'm recovering from an accident. A life changing one

Don't respond to me please. You have no idea. I did a post grad 20 years ago and paid for it myself by working shit min wage jobs. Don't assume that just because people live in Scotland they have it easy

I'm done. This place is a cess pit. That first ou degree more or less saved my life. Sorry for having an opinion

I was very similar to your daughter. I really feel for you both. She's home now, safe and loved, that's what matters. I did care work for a bit when uni ended for me, loved it. Found it really helped ground me, defined shifts, people to hand over to at the end of a shift, getting to know residents. I see other people have suggested p/t jobs or volunteering. It did really help boost my self esteem and I would really recommend this. It's almost better if it's not something she's interested in as a career as totally takes the pressure off.

With three lots of tuition fees at £9k per year plus maintenance loans? Well, at least it is if you're in England & Wales. I'm guessing from your handle that you're in Scotland?

This must be such a shock for you but I am so glad you have found out and can bring her home to support her. Someone very close to me failed their degree and was kicked out of uni. They couldn’t face telling anyone and pretended they were still at uni. Eventually, when their graduation should have been approaching, they took their own life. This was many years ago now, and the repercussions never go away. Take time to help your daughter plan a new course and find a new direction that suits her. Please let her know that a degree doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.

She's still young, OP. She will find her feet. Feed her, love her and lead her! If it's pride she's struggling with then take the reins for a bit and let her be cared for.

Sounds like the pressure got to her. It happens to the best of us! Making mistakes is normal and it's how we perservere through it that makes us who we are. Show her that she can bounce back!

I don't agree. Lot's of people have false starts. I did and I'm just about to finish my third BA degree

Has she been pressured that she must go to university it obviously isn't for her and hasn't felt she could tell you.
Vocational training..college courses ..higher national diplomas.. lots of other pathways other than uni.

Poor girl my ass. She was so thankful that I wasn't mad. We let her know that she did not need to give until she could afford it, had her fiance move in for 6 months so they would have a nesting, told her to move back in 2 years later when they were buried in debt and encouraged them to save this time so they could get back on their feet.

One of mine did this. Went AWOL for a long time at first uni. Think he was ashamed that he had ‘failed’. He was immature and struggling. Lots of stops and starts later, he got himself together and is now happily working and married to a lovely woman. It took a lot of heartache to get there, though. Keep being their parent while allowing them to make mistakes. Do hope it works out.

Don't you think she knows that? My mum had that attitude after I dropped out of uni. My dad was much more "let her be, she'll find her way". The pressure I felt from my mum was immense and made everything so much worse when I just needed some breathing space to think and make a plan for myself. I wasn't a lazy person, I was just lost and all at sea. The worst thing you can do is force your DD to rush into something and it goes tits up and just creates another "failure" for her.

I hope you haven't caused her to lose trust in you forever. She will sense your disappointment, even if you haven't told her outright. Poor girl.

God bless her. You can only wonder what she went through. If I were u I would go to my GP. They should be able to tell you what help is available for both of you. Maybe some sort of career assessment/advice. And just time, she just needs to be loved and nourished. Good luck to you both.

My daughter finely admitted that she had been dropped and did not want to attend any longer. She thought I would be angry, I was disappointed. I told her that school wasn't for everybody but she now needed to find work because she wasn't going to live in the house rent free and I expected that she should have a job within 30 days.

I'm not sure university is the issue here. She dropped out having failed to complete projects - why? What was going on with her? Then her reaction to that was not rational. Hiding it was never going to work long term. She seems to me like she needs mental heatlh help. Start there maybe, not by looking for another Uni?

University is clearly not for her as she's been struggling to complete what's required. Listen to her, find a different way forward. There are so many other opportunities out there, which cost a lot less as well! X

No problem.i honestly do think most of us who work in HE really want our students to succeed, so want to support them.
I wasn’t lucky enough to be able to have my own kids, but I’d have hoped to support them like this too.
Give me a shout (or PM, if there’s real specifics) if you think I can help at all.
good luck to you both.

OP, I wonder whether she would be suitable for short term therapy via her nearest NHS Talking Therapies provider.

it may help her if she can talk to someone outside her family.

www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/mental-health-services/find-nhs-talking-therapies-for-anxiety-and-depression/

I think its already been mentioned, but there's a lot I resonate with here from your daughters side. Now, over 20 years later, with my own daughter going through ADHD diagnosis, I am realising that quite a number of the traits and 'problems' associated with ADHD are the same as what I experienced then in particular. ADHD can also often be associated with perfectionism, which can make it hard to admit mistakes.

Might be worth taking a look at when you both have chance. One resource I have found useful in helping to understand ADHD in women is the Pause Purpose Play podcast.

I hope she manages to feel better soon and work out what she wants her next step to be. Its lovely to see she has a very supportive parent to help so I'm sure she will soon be absolutely fine.

This happened to my brother (very high grades student, not that it matters), I wouldn’t contact uni and don’t send her back. Close the chapter.

You need to see what she wants to do but she needs time first imo.

I would suggest she gets a normal job and allow her time to say what she wants to do. This is not missing the opportunity. I can hear in your posts you think she is destined for greater things, maybe, but please don’t make her feel she’s missing her potential or other rubbish, let her get roots/community or friends and learn some life skills/ mature and then she can decide what to do.

Years later my brother is healthy and happy with a lovely family. It’s irrelevant to his life now.

@UniversityProblems
Let her know that she can return to university at any stage of her adult life. It is always an option waiting for her if she wants it.

If she goes after the age of 25, she may be assessed financially as an independent adult, so your household finances will not be taken into account. (Check this out at the time, rules may change).

It may be that what she needs now is to get a job, any job, and start to find her feet as an 'adult', i.e. earning some money and paying a contribution for her "keep" at home (whether or not you want her money, you should take it to encourage her to feel responsibility). She needs to be learning to relate to colleagues and bosses, how to behave in a workplace, all in a low-stakes way, before even thinking about further study or a demanding career.

@UniversityProblems You sound lovely and there have been many helpful responses. I just wanted to add: Does she have a driving licence? If not, perhaps now would be a good time to do it - maybe it would help recover some self-esteem as well.

So basically she went back to uni knowing she had no course to go back to? She wouldn't have got a maintenance loan for this year so unless shes had money leftover from last year or a job she is potentially in debt over and above her student loans

At some point she'll need to try and say what really happened -so you know how to best support her

It's because of gdpr that they can't tell you.