Found out DD isn’t actually at university anymore

Just a few that don't require going to uni...pharmacy services, or business admin. Not just hairdressing. Butchery is also another one.

There are loads of non academic apprenticeship routes to try out for young people. Not everyone is interested in gaining a degree.

You realise many apprenticeships require university study too? Or are you talking about level 3 hairdressing or something equivalent?

@ByQuaintAzureWasp The OP says that:
She had her mind set on uni and there was no reason to discourage her. Her DD wanted to go to uni, it just hasn’t worked out.

Am i reading a different post to everyone else?
Op says her dd didn't start uni til she was 20, so after nearly 3 years of these shenanigans is, or is nearly 23 years of age!
She must have know by last summer or more probably earlier, that she was being chucked out of uni, yet for 9 months or so has been happily lying to her parents-op describes her as being cheeerful and chatty at Christmas. What has changed since then? What has she been living on? I guess s combination of monies swindled from her parents and debt. I guess shevis now comingbto the end of her credit lines and its all coming home to roost?That is what is behind her sudden weight loss and change in mood!

She is not a 'poor girl', she is a feckless, deceitful woman in her mid 20s who had made her own bed, but instead of leaving her to lie in it, mummy and daddy will follow her round witha bucket, cleaning up her shit!

Could she do some voluntary work in the community while she decides what she wants to do long term? It would help to build up her CV and would give her some valuable experience.

Stop trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Academia is not for everybody.

This is great advice. I think your DD needs to know she has a loving home she can return to and just reset herself.

I was (untypically) on TikTok yesterday after my DD sent me a link, and the next post on my feed was from someone saying they’d spent a year or so at university, but had made no friends and it was the worst year of their life. It had about 600,000 replies.

You could contact your local National Autistic Society group. Also NAS run a service you might find helpful https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/help-and-support/parent-to-parent-helpline

Your gp might be able to help. Also try your local carer's network. Mine runs monthly support groups for parents of asd adults.

There are also Facebook closed groups. Have a search on Facebook and you will get suggestions.

Then there is the annual autism show https://autismadhdshow.co.uk/

I have not read anything other than the original post but...

This happened to me. I was really smart but found that I wasn't ready for uni, couldn't handle these structure or the drinking after breezing through school.

I have since realised I was in a basically 4 year depression, which should have been noticed by me as I went through 4 residences where the only constant was a floor I couldn't see for the mess.

All i can advise was my.mum held me as I cried for 5 hours when my friends were all graduating

I got a call centre job then when I was ready got my degree (the first of two) from the open university and have had a happy ending, so keep believing in each other, and good luck.

Hi. I'm so sorry, this is so sad. I just wanted to mention that I have two daughters who are diagnosed asd and as such I used to be heavily involved in the local asd parenting community. There was a specific group for parents of asd girls and I know from that how common it was for very academically able girls to go to University and for everything to crumble, to the complete bewilderment of the parents, who never suspected a thing.

Autism in girls is very badly misunderstood. Girls often mask like mad and have more sociable acceptable areas of interest. Being "shy" is not flagged in the way it is for boys. Not going out partying but staying in to study is seen as healthy.

I was convinced a girl in my younger daughter's class was autistic. Her mother seemed completely unaware. I met her a few years ago - her daughter crashed in her first year at uni and never went back.

So anyway, it is not unusual. I suggest you connect with parents of asd girls/young people if you can as well as getting your daughter assessed. Your local carer's network might be able to sign post you.

In terms of what next, don't panic. Again because of my involvement in the local autism world, often it just takes our yp a bit longer to find their niche.

In the meantime she might want to consider volunteering. Being a buddy for a yp with additional needs for example. It will be good for her and something she can put on her cv.

Best of luck x

Hi OP,

I'm going to preface this by saying I will relate my own experiences of sort-of-similar but that I am not trying to say that any directly apply to your situation. I’m just illustrating how multi-factorial these situations can be.

I was the super bright kid. I knew what I wanted to do, but that was very different to what my parents, the school and the world at large wanted me to do. I felt a lot of pressure to do what they all wanted. I was also dealing with various forms of trauma (sexual assault, childhood neglect, addiction parent etc.). When I went to uni it all just sort of mixed into one and being on my own for the first true time, and also having space to process things, it was all just too much. I was actually doing quite well there academically but I stopped attending lectures and just dropped out. My parents’ response was pretty terrible honestly, and there was a lot of shame associated with what happened. It’s decades later, and I went back and studied what I originally wanted, and got a 1st, then did postgrad and got a distinction. My family isn’t aware I did this because I’ve never told them. I now have a well-paid job.

I think I’m sharing for several reasons. The first is that I wish I had a mum who cared in the ways you are showing here. And I can’t state it enough: make sure she knows that you are not ashamed of her, that her wellbeing and happiness are your priorities. She may not have felt a certain sort of pressure from you that I did from my mum, but making it super clear to her repeatedly can only help her. The second is that if things are already going on in her life, university can act almost as a catalyst to bring it all to a head. I would certainly investigate therapy if you can for her. The third is that it’s a hard age anyway - you’re told by society you’re an adult and you’re meant to really know what to do, and yet you don’t. That can further compound some of this stuff.

Also, at that age, everything seems permanent. Keep reminding her it isn’t. She has her whole life to choose to study, or follow whatever career path. Right now, work on building her up: her mental and physical health (exercise together, eat together, cook together, do mentally healthy things together). Encourage her hobbies. Give her space and time to grow if you can, but also encourage her to get at least a part time job to give her a sense of purpose.

Whatever it is, it doesn’t seem like she wants to talk yet. But there’s going to be something else going on, whether it’s as simple as the not-ideal course like you indicated, or other life factors. Just be there for her. She will come through this.

@NotMeAtAll Did she tell them that she was working in her university town or something? I’m just wondering how she kept it a secret- although if DD quietly repeated a year, didn’t ask us for any financial support, and told us that she was doing something else, I suppose we wouldn’t know either.

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I think some people put incredible pressure on themselves and failure isn't an option I suppose. When it happens they struggle to deal with it.

Hard work but would totally recommend. I did criminology and sociology and got a two one. Lots of support. I'm prouder of that degree than any other. Probably because my life was in the bin when I started it.

@UniversityProblems you sound a lovely mum and I think that just taking care of her (but not allowing her to wallow through the little acts others have suggested) is key.

I had a house mate who failed first year twice. He was bright. Had been head boy. But he didn't have the maths foundation needed for his course and should never have been accepted onto it. Is it a key skill somewhere underpinning things that she just doesn't have? Sometimes students are admitted onto less popular courses when they really shouldn't be.

To reassure you, that housemate went home, met a lovely girl he's been happily married to for 20 years and started work in a company where he's worked his way up (and he bought a house ahead of all of us so probably ended up in a better position overall).

I have a relative who dropped out but returned after quite a few years out and has achieved incredible success.

Right now, a year feels a massive period to her but in the grand scheme of life it's nothing and won't define her long term.

Keep her head up and reassure her it's not the end of the world. Dissect the ins and outs later.

Surely it's okay to fail. Happens all the time

I did my second degree part-time too. I'd really love to do a third degree with the Open University.

When I was in college a girl failed 3rd year and repeated. She never told her parents. She managed to get through 4th year in the end but it could have been very different. It happens. It must have been dreadful.

There is always a way to get an education and that was my point earlier. Nothing more