To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

Run…….keep running…….and don’t look back! Bunny boiler on the horizon.

OP in the nicest possible way you sound very vulnerable. You are in an awful situation with this woman and yet you can't see clearly that you need to get out.

It absolutely needs to be a clean break, as she sounds completely unhinged.

I'd pack up all her stuff, put it outside and tell her to come collect it. Have no more contact with her and block her on everything.

Out of interest what is a U-Haul lesbian?

OP you keep saying she is lovely and nice but the thing is do lovely and nice people consistently disrespect boundaries, ignore you when you tell them what you need and constantly push for more?

Also beware of the good listener bit, many times people with these hyper obsessive tendencies want to find out all about you and they are listening for things they can use to hook you in. The comment about your social media being ‘revealing’ IS revealing - about her.

Now she may well have problems but it does not appear being too ‘nice’ and ‘anxious attachment’ are some of them (it’s a nice way to excuse her behaviour but none of this screams anxiety at all) - she’s possessive, domineering, controlling and appears to have very little interest in you as a person, only what she wants you to be.

I don’t know if this is your first relationship with a woman but you say you’ve had issues with boundaries in previous ones. One thing you need to be aware of is women can be predators too. Some women are extremely high control but hide behind faux psych babble and pretend niceness. I think she’s of that type.

the longer you leave it to break up as well the more it will build into an absolute shitfest when you do and you’ll be the latest to be added to her ‘psycho ex’ list…. (I bet they’ve got some tales to tell)

Been there in a very similar situation and the woman involved pretty much wished me dead for YEARs from a less than three month relationship. After declaring undying love in 0.34 seconds. I too just felt she was nice really and just a bit enthusiastic and had been hurt blah blah. I was not prepared for the deep viciousness and the length of her ire once things did end. I stupidly did not think women behaved that way! It was disturbing.

Even if this woman is not as bad as that my advice is end it sooner rather than later before she gets even more attached and inserted into your time, energy, peace of mind and living space.

I’m just out of a relationship that started like this. By the end of it I didn’t even own my own weekends. It would have been unacceptable to say I wanted a Sunday in my pjs to myself for example, i couldn’t make plans with other people during what he saw as‘his time’ (weekends) without it being tricky and him making life hard. Great guy I thought but he had me worn down at the end and I hated the absolute rights he thought he had on my time. My stomach clenched in familiarity when I read your post. Well done in spotting the red flag, and it is a red flag, you don’t want a relationship but seem to be in it, you want your own downtime but are not getting it. Please choose wisely this person like my ex will likely stomp all over your boundaries. Best of luck

I think anything about ‘needing to slow down’ or ‘taking a break’ are too ambiguous and will make her think she can change your mind.

I think OP you just say that over the last few days you’ve come to realise that you don’t want to be in a relationship and therefore you’ve decided not to continue dating her and that you wish her well. I think anything that gives her a chink of your doubt will mean she’ll try to force her way back in. It might feel harsh, but she clearly can’t take a hint.

i expect she’ll want you to see you again and use the excuse of collecting her things, so either let her collect them at an agreed time and have someone else there, or tell her they’ll be on the doorstep/in the shed etc and she can collect at x time and don’t answer the door.
also block her and move on - she sounds like a nightmare!

She sounds completely unstable, possible borderliner and ....good luck if you try and back off or end it as she might go nuclear.

Get security cameras now before you say another word. As you assert your own boundaries, add layers of security. You've walked into a right one.

Just end it, you’re not compatible

The texts and phone calls, the social media, the stuff all over your house, the sulks when you try and draw a boundary....

She is a walking red flag.

OP please just call it a day! End things now and carefully.

The more you post, the more I don't think you should be in a relationship OP.

You're describing the situation from hell, and yet all you want to do is tell her you want to 'cool it off'.

Why would you even want the 'cooled off' version of this woman?

When someone shows you/tells you who they are take notice

how many times has this been posted on here, we have all tried to justify how someone is as we want to be nice/understanding and we will often ignore red flags but it never improves

op she has shown you who she is, and already you have uncomfortable feelings and it’s only a month. You are not there to fix her do the best thing for yourself and for her before she becomes more attached and end this relationship her issues are hers to deal with

I can see why you wanted this to work, OP, but given your cons list it sounds like it really isn't. Unless you think an honest conversation might get things back on track, I'd say you're probably best cutting your losses, sadly.

Cooling off is a huge mistake. End it. You don't owe her anything. She's ignored your boundaries and is suffocating you. She'll go crazy so ring the police when she does. And every time she harasses you because she will.

Ok, well I have Asperger’s so hopefully you can take what I say as truth here.

I felt the same way as you, two relationships that were all intense but so wrong, then when I found one that wasn’t as intense I convinced myself this must be correct and more measured. Unfortunately it was my worst, most abusive relationship. I stuck with it for 5 years because I believed I had to make it work despite everything.

I then fell into another similar situation and again, a measured slow build up…and it was because we both didn’t actually feel that excited about one another. I was left feeling miserable and unloved.

I now can identify in further relationships that the issue wasn’t the intensity at the start. That was a sign of a good thing, that things were right. It’s not a predictor of long term happiness, there are other things to consider. But if a lovely happy spark isn’t there at the outset, it’s an immediate sign that things aren’t right.

Washing in your washing basket 😬

Too much!!

End it now! If this was a bloke this thread would be full of LTB

You do not sound compatible at all. Sorry OP. Time to rip off the plaster.

Reading your posts makes me wonder why you're still with this woman. Your cons by far outweigh the pros, no one should be feeling like this at the beginning of a relationship, and you don't even want an actual relationship!

She may well be a lovely person, but it's clear as crystal that she isn't a lovely person for you.

You say that you don't like upsetting people, but why on earth would you stay with someone or not tell them how you feel for fear of their reaction. You need to prioritise your life and your feelings over hers.

You also need to realise that in adult life sometimes you just have to upset people in order to preserve your own well-being and sanity.

Ask yourself if she's enhancing your life in every way. If the answer is no then after only a month(!) you message her to say it's over.

And thank you, I know that was a nosy question!

But yes, cringe.

and per my previous post in response to the pant washing etc - get rid.

without all the other stuff which is utterly suffocating - the having sex with someone who gives you the ick, why are you even continuing for that reason alone?

sounds like a case of limerence. I suffered this at the start of my current relationship. Fortunately for me I know I suffer with it and actively make sure not to suffocate my partner. I did tell him I may be a bit full on sometimes but try my best not not. It may fade out. We are a year down the line and I’m now coming out the other side, happily accept he has days off doing what he wants etc without having to give myself a therapy session every time.

She sounds creepy to be honest. If she is like this a month in she will have you chained to a radiator in a year’s time. She is going to be all or nothing, she doesn’t want casual. Her exes were psychos she says? Mmm, it sounds like she is the unhinged one.

See sense, end it. Let her down gently (for your safety reasons) but firmly. Tell her you don’t want a relationship, and you are not the right person for her.

I agree with all this but if you might find it better to text as she will probably not listen if you have a conversation or try to twist it or manipulate you into feeling guilty and insist she’ll change.
I think you need a chance to say what you need uninterrupted but be blunt and firm so it sinks in.

I would write,
Hi Intensia,

We have only been seeing each other a month and you seem to want us to behave as though we are in a long term committed relationship where as I’d have preferred time to get to know each other properly before getting into a serious relationship and I don’t feel ready for one right now.

I think you are a great person but I’m feeling overwhelmed by how fast you are wanting things to move between us and your expectations of how much we see each other, I feel like you want us to spend every bit of free time together when I have a busy life and also want some alone time to relax. You aren’t even giving me a chance to miss you and I feel a bit pressured into spending all my free time with you so as not to upset you which isn’t healthy.

I don’t want to hurt you by saying this but I’ve tried to cool things and set boundaries like asking you not to post on social media that have just been ignored.

I would like to slow things down a bit and stick to dating until I feel I’m ready to take things further and if you would prefer to be in a proper relationship then it might be better for us to stop seeing each other so you can find someone who wants the same.
It’s nothing personal I just don’t feel ready for that yet and being pressured into it isn’t going to make it work long term, relationships need to develop naturally.

Have a proper think about it and if you want to continue seeing each other or if it’ll make you unhappy with what I’m looking for, if that’s the case then we should probably just stop seeing each other.

DO NOT suggest staying friends or it’ll give her hope and she’ll keep pushing for more!

I appreciate that’s pretty long and you can cut it down, I just think you need to really hammer the point in for some people.

Sorry I didn't pick up you were ND.
You are in a dangerous situation here. She is not a safe person to be in a relationship with. She will not respect your boundaries and this will get worse, not better. She's not the right person for you. Please be safe and end it, you might need to block her after. But please do it.

Ohmygod!

Bin, now.

wtf.

This, along with wanting to “lock you in” on social media, ensuring people know you are dating….she really does sound like a nutjob.

Shes pretty much moved herself in and got you washing her pants!!!

Get her to fuck.

Believe me, this won’t get better only worse. Much worse, End it fully now while you may be able to. it’s actually really concerning to read.