To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

As a fellow bi - you wouldn't accept this oppressive nonsense from a man, neither should you accept it from a woman. More red flags than a communist parade 🚩🚩🚩

(love the bi-product typo in your first post)

Isn’t this supposed to be the exciting time because it doesn’t sound like it’s even enjoyable.
I was was irked just reading your post and you’re living it 🤷‍♀️

If a man was behaving like that all the red flags would be being waved. It’s no different because it’s a woman.

Without reading the whole thread, I just wanted to respond to this. I was with a woman for almost a decade who was like this. Very anxious, very clingy, wanted to spend every minute with me etc. She also had a string of psycho exes which I KNEW was a red flag but I ignored it. I thought she’d calm down over time and realise I wasn’t going to leave her but in retrospect she was a raging narcissist. She totally love bombed me, and although I didn’t fall for it in the sense I thought I/we were something special, I allowed it to happen thinking it was just part of her anxiety. All of the behaviours were ultimately about control and my whole life ended up about managing her mental health and putting her needs above mine. If I were you I’d run far, far away (metaphorically speaking) and be thankful you’re out of it.

I think this sounds quite toxic and you don’t sound very happy. Best to nip it in the bud than tell her you want some time to yourself - she hasn’t been respectful of your wishes so far and it’s probably going to get worse…

She sounds a potential nightmare and you just don’t want the same things.

I think you know what would happen if you tried tapering off and you can’t face it.

enjoying my own company is something BRAND NEW to me, I can’t quite believe it. It’s something I’ve learned to enjoy through therapy. I’ve never experienced this before but already it’s being overpowered by someone new.

I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships.

As someone who has always really struggled with boundaries, I would say, you need to leave this situation and work more on yours. I fell into the trap I think you’re in: feeling that the work you have done has made you safe from predatory or manipulative people, but it only feels like that by contrast to how vulnerable you were before. I ended up ignoring red flags- like you are, thinking that because I could see them I was safe- and that relationship became physically violent. I would urge you to imagine how relieved you’ll be once you no longer feel beholden to someone else. That pleasure in your own company, the freedom it brings. And then to take back that joy and freedom by ending the relationship. No ifs nor buts, no offers of dating or friendship, because she’ll use any chink as a weak point to prise you open again and insert herself back into your life.

If you were describing a man, we would all be warning of cocklodgers or coercive control.

She's giving me Misery vibes....

You aren’t suited.

This ^^ she is trampling all over your wishes and boundaries . She is not a good person.

I agree. After a month you're perfectly ok to say 'this is not for me'.
She wants something you can't provide and she's getting on your tits trying to force it. Tell her you've gone off her because she's so needful. Be honest.

Run just run

OP, she is not lovely, she is a boundary pushing possessive nightmare.

And using sulking, silence and moodiness is abusive.

She has no qualms at all stepping over your perfectly healthy and normal wishes not to spend every waking moment with her or thinking of her. So please don't consider yourself mean or hurtful to make your feelings known.

Personally though I'd be calling it a day. If she's like this a few weeks in, imagine how controlling she would try and be of your time and attention if you were to stay with her. She is already trying to mould you by going silent on you because you are seeing your friends and not her. You would become a shell of yourself and be constantly walking on egg shells for fear of upsetting her. It sounds like the only time she is actually lovely is when she is getting her own way.

Sorry this was in response to OP clearly saying she wanted to tell her partner to cool it a bit but not break up. Obviously everyone is telling her to dump her partner and, if she chooses to do that, the text will obviously be different!

I think you know this isn't for you OP, but...

Bisexual woman reporting in here. Is she lesbian or bisexual? And have you mostly dated men or women?

There's a joke: what does a lesbian bring to a second date? A u-haul (meaning a removal truck).

Basically, timelines for dating men don't necessarily apply when dating women.

A friend of mine (also bisexual) once had to stop dating a woman, when she tried to introduce my friend to her mother as her 'new girlfriend' after two weeks!

However, you absolutely do deserve to have your boundaries respected, and this woman doesn't sound like a good fit. Do you even fancy her? Are you sleeping together yet?!

I think you're under the impression that it is possible to have this person, without the bits you don't like. That if you try hard enough, those bits will go away.

They won't. This is her on her best behaviour, trying her hardest, and she is already pretty insufferable and stamping all over your boundaries.

This isn't going to get better, this is going to get worse. The minute you start trying to insist on your boundaries you're going to open up the flood gates, the paranoia, the 'well the last person who did that to me was cheating on me' and she will try to make you feel awful for living your own life.

Run!

@LAMPS1@Lmnop22
This kind of person doesn't need a flowery explanation, they need bluntly told to get lost, all that enable stuff gives them and in to keep messaging. We don’t always have to be kind and appeasing.

If you are going to finish seeing her, forget the flowery half measures suggested, that will make it worse. She will say okay to seeing you half the time but won’t keep to it. You need to tell her with kindness that you don’t want to carry on dating (you have said you are not in a relationship) and will not be seeing her going forward. You are being awful passive about the audacity of someone you have been seeing a mere month moving in by stealth. End it. Let her take her intensity somewhere else.

Autistic women, especially when diagnosis is later, are far too conditioned to be people pleasers IMHO.

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship already. The kindest thing you can do for yourself is to end it immediately. You have known this woman a few weeks and she is this intense, it will get worse and you won't have any life of your own.

In my experience, social interaction on a daily basis, even when it isn't this intense, leads to burnout very quickly. Someone who refuses to respect your boundaries is not a lovely person. The only person who can assert your boundaries is you 💪

I’m also bisexual and the last relationship I had with a woman was like this. She was a friend who became more after I told her I fancied her. She absolutely smothered me and wanted to have deep talks about whether I really did like her constantly. She would get drunk and accuse me of making it up and that I was going dump her. If we spent time with her friends I was more than happy if she chatted to them and I would find someone to talk to but if it was me talking to my friends have a huge sulk.

In the end we went to Utrecht for the weekend and out of the whole long weekend we spent a max of 4 hours having dinner and drinks with my Dutch friends (who she knew online too) and the next day she dragged me around the streets and went mental saying I was trying to get away from her and that I was going to dump her. She kept me awake all night interrogating me. We flew back to the U.K. & I did finish with her. Not because I never did like her, but because she drove me away. It’s all consuming and exhausting!!

OP, she sounds like a headcase but your boundaries are really, really poor.

It really is not normal to have someone impose themselves in your space and upon your person in ONE month.

Batshit, creepy behaviour.
Get rid of her asap and work harder on those boundaries.

Oh op I think you definitely need to end this. One of the negatives you listed would make me end it never mind it all together.

I think if you're going to date someone like this you need to be much more blunt what you're happy to do.

I don't understand why you went to the garden centre with her if you'd been together for 3 days already and you wanted some time to yourself. Why didn't you say (and mean) something along the lines of "Sorry, Mary, I've had a fantastic time but I really need a bit of time to myself before the kids get back. I'll text/call/see you on Friday/Saturday/in a week."? Being able to do this, and have candid conversations about things like when you consider yourself to be exclusive or in a relationship rather than just seeing one of many people is key to dating someone who has different expectations to you.

You need to hold the line on the things that are important to you, if that's not enough for her then she needs to move on. But it sounds like she's putting her wants and understanding out there and you're rolling over and accommodating them, or fudging over things even though they aren't your wants and expectations. You need to talk more and find out if there is a compromise you can both be happy with.

Oh, I would be straight up ‘this is not working for me, please let me know where I can send your things and don’t contact me again’.

There is nothing remotely okay about this. You are being steamrollered over. I don’t see how you can get this to a place where you are comfortable at all when there is this level of disregard - it’s not even that your boundaries are being trampled, the behaviour is entirely inappropriate.

Not this! The break needs to be clean. This message gives hope of a revival.