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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel smothered and annoyed by love interest

317 replies

Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread · 05/03/2026 15:58

I’ve used love interested because we are NOT in a relationship but we are dating. I’m bi sexual and have recently started dating a lovely lady, so lovely that she is absolutely grating on me.

we’ve been dating a month. My child free days are now automatically allocated to her and she’s matching her work pattern up to mine (both self employed) meaning when my DC are with their dad she’s automatically assuming I have to spend every moment with her.

she’s been very good to me so far, kind and thoughtful. Very attentive. But there are red flaga

  • she’s expressed she has an anxious attachment style which is fair enough but this soon seems full on
  • after 1 week of dating she was really offended that I said “well you are single, as am I” in regards to online dating/deleting profiles
  • shes made an excuse that she needed to collect something from her parents and as a bi-product forced me into meeting them - I believe this may have been planned
  • she wants to “do something” every minute of every day. For example, today I wanted to spend the day pottering about before both dc return home, she insisted we go for lunch outside and to a garden centre because the weather has been nice. Then proceeded all day to say my “vibe” was off and I seemed annoyed. I said I just have a busy mind and schedule and want to get on with things. To which she took great offence and said she wants to make the most of our time together (we’ve been together the past 4 days and nights)

various other things like this. You might say it’s up to me to say no, which is true, however I hate the bluntness and the atmosphere it causes. I’m actively working on my boundaries after being in therapy following previous relationships. I have gently expressed we don’t need to spend every waking minute together, but each time it’s been met with some sort of sulk or mood iyswim. I really dislike upsetting people. Before she left, I basically had to take her bags to the door and almost had to say “get out” because my 20 or so “it was nice to see you, drive home safe” were met by blank stares or just changing rooms to sit on another sofa. It took over an hour of me saying I need to get on with things and need some time alone for her to actually leave.

I feel really irked. I didn’t want a relationship, yet I’m basically in one. There’s been various other things that have annoyed me like posting me on social media (we have mutual friends and I don’t want any of them to know I’m dating?) I’ve said it’s too soon and I don’t want people to see things. It stopped for a few days now she’s carried on ten fold. She’s planning on a trip somewhere up north next week that she needs to go on, and is harassing me for dates, I don’t want to confirm dates as I don’t know a) if I want to go and b) I don’t want set plans next week in general, I just want to have a chilled few days off. Not be held to something. I said you go on your own if I’m free I’ll join which was met with “no I’m planning specifically round your work days so we can go together”

AIBU to be annoyed? Wwyd? I want to send a message saying cool off without being nasty or mean. She’s a lovely woman but I feel overwhelmed and it’s giving me the ick - friends would have been great!

OP posts:
Iaeve · 06/03/2026 07:37

I have the massive ick hearing about this woman. How on earth can you stand having her in your life at all? Hell to the no.

Original poster
Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread · 06/03/2026 07:37

NotAWurstToIt · 06/03/2026 07:31

You told her you wanted to cut back on how much you were seeing her and she agreed and then immediately tried to push for more. OP be prepared that she will not stick to this and you will need to follow up on your idea that, in that 2 week trial, she will not respect your boundaries and your only options will be to be stuck with this limpet or break up. Be ready to break up with her - she isn’t going to change.
Also who the fuck takes ketamine on a second date?! Just why? You literally just said you didn’t want to get involved with someone who takes it and yet, here you are involved and giving her a second chance. Please think about what you actually want here.

If that’s the case, I will be calling it off.

I wouldn’t be bothered if it was a once a year thing, but I don’t believe it is. Time will tell!

OP posts:
NotAWurstToIt · 06/03/2026 07:31

You told her you wanted to cut back on how much you were seeing her and she agreed and then immediately tried to push for more. OP be prepared that she will not stick to this and you will need to follow up on your idea that, in that 2 week trial, she will not respect your boundaries and your only options will be to be stuck with this limpet or break up. Be ready to break up with her - she isn’t going to change.
Also who the fuck takes ketamine on a second date?! Just why? You literally just said you didn’t want to get involved with someone who takes it and yet, here you are involved and giving her a second chance. Please think about what you actually want here.

Evaka · 06/03/2026 07:25

She sounds nuts, not lovely. She's suffocating and trampling on your wishes and requests. Not ok.

AmandaBrotzman · 06/03/2026 07:23

It gets worse!! And you still aren't breaking up with her? Wow.

Original poster
Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread · 06/03/2026 07:20

ThisTaupeZebra · 05/03/2026 20:13

I think you know this isn't for you OP, but...

Bisexual woman reporting in here. Is she lesbian or bisexual? And have you mostly dated men or women?

There's a joke: what does a lesbian bring to a second date? A u-haul (meaning a removal truck).

Basically, timelines for dating men don't necessarily apply when dating women.

A friend of mine (also bisexual) once had to stop dating a woman, when she tried to introduce my friend to her mother as her 'new girlfriend' after two weeks!

However, you absolutely do deserve to have your boundaries respected, and this woman doesn't sound like a good fit. Do you even fancy her? Are you sleeping together yet?!

shes a lesbian I’ve only ever dated one man the rest are women.

”lesbian timing” is definitely a thing!

someone said she’s on her best behaviour which I’m not sure is true, she took drugs on our 2nd date at a bar! Thought she hid it well but it was obvious. She’s said it’s something she does “once in a blue moon” I.e once per year which in all honesty isn’t something that’s ever bothered me I don’t judge people who do. But I think it’s crazy to do it on a second date and it’s 100% (and gives the impression that it’s more frequent I’m not sure I’d waste my “once per year” on a date) something that’s held me back because there’s no way I’m getting into something with someone who frequently takes ketamine. Or someone who tries to conceal it

OP posts:
CrikeyNumpty · 06/03/2026 07:19

Good luck with that. Sounds like already she was trying to push for more time.

Original poster
Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread · 06/03/2026 07:13

I’ve had a conversation over the phone late last night about 1am. I said it’s too much for me and I’m not getting any time, that I like her but if this continues I’ll no longer be interested and it needs to stop. I said I’ll be seeing her 1-2 times per week max and she agreed that’s best. She did say about seeing me on my working days instead of my off days to get the numbers up sort of thing but I said no I want the other 6-7 days to myself. I said it needs to slow right down and is moving way too fast.

im going to give her 2 weeks and if she oversteps or doesn’t listen during that time I’ll be cutting it off.

id actually love to be her friend (fun and similar hobbies) but I don’t think it would be possible sadly

OP posts:
Longtimelurkerfinallyposts · 06/03/2026 00:07

When I read your OP, I started thinking about ways to assert some basic boundaries and carve out a decent amount of time for yourself.

However, as this thread's gone on, it's become increasingly obvious that this woman is unlikely to change, however much she claims to like you. The red flags have arrived thick and fast.

The one that made me think "no way" - "it's not going to get better" - was when i saw your post about the sheer amount of stuff she's already secreted around your house! Leaving her clothes (in either your wardrobe or your laundry basket) without any invitation from you to do so, is deeply unsexy.

Who does that? Would you even do it at your best friend's house? if anyone ever does that again I hope you feel more empowered to nip it in the bud straight away. Your home is not a dumpting ground for other people's clutter!

I believe that her behaviour has made it clear that you are not compatible, and never will be. If she really is as 'attentive' as you say, she should have paid a lot more attention to how much you were actively consenting vs how much she was forcing herself on you/ your head/physical space and time.

I agree with a PP's assessment: that if you end it with her, she is likely to move on to somebody new pretty quickly.

sumayyah · 05/03/2026 22:57

Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread · 05/03/2026 17:15

Oh gosh the phone calls, it’s up to 10 times per day. I have nothing to say that much. If I don’t answer, when I next speak it’s “I called you did you not see it” as if I’m obliged to answer

im fuming writing this tbh. I’m going to say it needs to cool off. I’ve said I’m seeing friends on a day off next week which was met with silence, I could tell it threw her off

Show quote history

I had a boyfriend like that, he would constantly call me and expect that I be free to talk.......
It got to the point that he would call me when he was at work and want me to stay on the phone all day long while he drove and would lose his temper if I didnt answer and accuse me of cheating
When I found myself proving where I had been all day I knew I had ignored red flags and needed out of the relationship because it was making me so anxious

sumayyah · 05/03/2026 22:49

Lord no, i wouldn't want to be with someone who's trampling right over my boundaries so soon into a relationship

Early days is the honeymoon phase usually where everything feels shiny, happy and new....... except for that's not how you appear to feel

Another 6 months of being steamrolled and this resentment your starting to feel will likely be so much worse

BauhausOfEliott · 05/03/2026 22:35

SaucepanRattle · 05/03/2026 22:13

My DH was like this when I met him. I found him too full on. I told him nicely but clearly. He backed off and let him grow on me. 20 years later it definitely worked 😆

JFC, read a) the thread and b) the room

Soontobesingles · 05/03/2026 22:32

You surely don't want to continue this? It's too smothering and you don't want the same things. Someone doesn't have to be a bad person for you to end a relationship; you just have to realise you are incompatible. Please for your own growth and ongoing relationship with yourself do not continue because this is only going to turn toxic at some point.

Midsommermadness · 05/03/2026 22:30

Stop stringing her along, you both want completely different things. She’s obviously not a friends with benefits women. It would be much better to end this now.

Woodfiresareamazing · 05/03/2026 22:25

Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread · 05/03/2026 17:41

The trouble is, I’ve had the butterfly loving every minute thing twice and both have turned out to be horrible relationships. The fact this has made me feel calm (albeit now smothered) felt like a signal I was on the right track. Like ive not gone for looks only and romanticised someone like I usually do. Like I said I have ASD so its quite difficult for me to not be all in with someone usually

Show quote history

Having read all of your updates, OP, I'm really concerned for you. She has ignored all of your boundaries and is trying to make you feel like you're the one being unreasonable. She's pretty much moved in after a month!

This is classic obsessive behaviour, and it could easily veer into stalker territory.

I think you need to end this immediately, and don't give her an option for a more casual dating arrangement. She might say she's OK with it, but very soon she'll be pushing for more.
End it completely, clean break - it's the best way.

💐

Maryb54 · 05/03/2026 22:24

Love bombing can be followed by coercive control or stalking. Run for the hills.

onelumporthree · 05/03/2026 22:22

@Cantbloodyrememberthenameonthread You say that you don't like upsetting people, but she is upsetting you and walking all over your boundaries, and you're allowing her to do it.

Please end this relationship.

SaucepanRattle · 05/03/2026 22:13

My DH was like this when I met him. I found him too full on. I told him nicely but clearly. He backed off and let him grow on me. 20 years later it definitely worked 😆

Therealjudgejudy · 05/03/2026 21:58

Sounds suffocating and a total red flag

I'd be saying bye for good...this will only get worse op

Changedname9999 · 05/03/2026 21:50

run. She won’t get better. It will deteriorate. Leave her. Don’t look back.

Contrarymary30 · 05/03/2026 21:50

I feel claustrophobic just reading this . It's only going to get worse !

WanderingWellies · 05/03/2026 21:27

Monr0e · 05/03/2026 20:18

OP, she is not lovely, she is a boundary pushing possessive nightmare.

And using sulking, silence and moodiness is abusive.

She has no qualms at all stepping over your perfectly healthy and normal wishes not to spend every waking moment with her or thinking of her. So please don't consider yourself mean or hurtful to make your feelings known.

Personally though I'd be calling it a day. If she's like this a few weeks in, imagine how controlling she would try and be of your time and attention if you were to stay with her. She is already trying to mould you by going silent on you because you are seeing your friends and not her. You would become a shell of yourself and be constantly walking on egg shells for fear of upsetting her. It sounds like the only time she is actually lovely is when she is getting her own way.

‘Only lovely/happy when getting her own way.’
This is 100% my ex. It doesn’t look like the abuse you read about, even if you think you know what emotional abuse and coercive control are, but it absolutely is. (Sidenote:
wonder if it’s a female presentation of it and what we’re usually told about is how emotionally abusive and controlling men behave?) This woman is a street full of red flags on every lamppost!!!

afternoonofthetriffids · 05/03/2026 21:19

I could have written the OP a few years ago.

I’m a woman with kids, started to date a really nice, attentive woman. I had 3 days a week kid free, and she wanted to spend every minute of those 3 days with me.

I felt so smothered. I have friends who I want to spend some of that time with and I have the standard life/house/garden admin to do. Plus I enjoy spending time by myself - a nice bath or a long walk with a podcast for example.

Seeing her once or twice a week would have been great and left me time to do all the other stuff that is important to me. But by the time I reduced the contact to once or twice, honestly the damage was done and I’d really had enough. I was ultimately so relieved when I ended it a few months later.

I’m guessing she doesn’t have kids so from her perspective there are chunks of the week when you are solely focused on your kids and she is waiting for the next time she can see you. So when there is a kid free day she’ll assume you’re spending it together because she’s already waited half the week. To be fair it is quite normal to want to spend lots of time with someone you fancy in a new relationship. It’s the imbalance between the amounts of free time you have and she has - and was this experience that made me realise I should only date women in the same boat as me, i.e with kids so we both had the same restrictions/responsibilities when it came to free time.

Plasticdreams · 05/03/2026 21:13

I need time alone to function so every partner I have has knows this quite early on. The red flag is when they don’t understand/accept it and keep pushing.

SquishyGloopyBum · 05/03/2026 21:03

Just because she’s not like your other ex partners, doesn’t mean she’s right for you. Bad apples come in many forms.

you gut is clearly telling you something is off here - listen to it!!!