To cancel holiday with friend after what I found out?

Surely it’s better he has a GF that you know. Still go on the holiday but set the ground rules.

It’s perfectly normal for teens not to tell their parents everything.

So what if your son gets angry. He is a kid. Your role is to protect him and try to prevent him making huge mistakes, in any way you see fit.

There is so much lazy opt out of parenting nonsense on this thread.

I think you should go on holiday.
Have an open conversation with your son about being safe and protecting himself and his girlfriend and your expectations on holiday. Ideally you want to be a calm, approachable parent so that your son knows he can talk to you in the future but even if you are, he may not open up to you and tell some fibs out of embarrassment which is very natural at this age. If he is having sex then at least he's being sensible and using condoms. Its a shock when you find out something like this but lots of teenagers have underage sex and always will. From your perspective Its not a terrible scenario for a first gf because at least you know both her and her Dad well and have obviously approved of your son's friendship with her. At this age I think that's a big positive.

I would give his Gf a chance to tell her Dad herself ( tell your son she's got 24hrs ) then tell her Dad about their relationship if she doesn't.

In the kindest way possible OP if they want to have sex they will find a way as teenagers do. You going on holiday won't change that fact.

They are less likely to try and sneak past two sets of parents then at home with 1 about!

Just be sensible with room options so they aren't in 2 rooms directly next to each other.

There's a small possibility that the condon wrapper came from sex education class at school...but I doubt it, it's more likely your son is having sex. I don't think it should be much of a surprise that your son and your friend's daughter, have developed feelings for each other, as time has gone by.

Your son hasn't felt that he could tell you about his relationship with your friend's daughter. He's been worried about your reaction, so he lied. Unfortunately, you've reacted in the way he suspected, so going forward he will make sure he hides issues even further. I doubt very much your friend is aware, that his daughter is in a relationship with your son either.

Your biggest issue here isn't the fact your son is dating, or who, it's the fact he's likely having underage sex and he felt unable to speak to you. A conversation regarding contraception, consent and the legal ramifications of having underage sex is required. You need to calm yourself down, knee-jerk reactions, will have your son refusing to open up to you and lying instead.

You need to tell your son, that as his Mum, you have a duty to tell your friend. You need to be fully transparent with your friend, and then you both make a decision regarding the holiday. Your friends priority is to make sure his daughter is using contraception, and have a similar conversation regarding consent.

You are at serious risk of danaging yiyr relationship with your son, leaving him angry with you and having lost his trust in you. He will become secretive and do things behind your back. He will tell himself it is your fault he is doing so. He will find comfort in her arms. When he would have confined in you, he'll confide in her. If he didn't consider sex with her, their new closeness might change that and you can believe you are going totally wrong about it.

If her dad is such a good friend, why aren't you discussing it and making decisions together?

Of course you should be regularly checking a 14 year old’s phone.

Of course you are concerned about going on holidays with his girlfriend.

OP does the girl’s Dad know? Because you need to tell all other parents asap. Then talk to them about sex and how they are too young.

And obviously curtail their alone time.
Check where he is using his phone tracker.

Do not listen to people using words like snoop and safe place. These people are not stepping up and doing the hard parts of parenting.

What is your thinking? That he shouldn’t date anyone? Some 14 year olds have boyfriends/girlfriends, that is life.

Sex is another matter as they’re under age. They won’t be given their own room together though?

He is clearly lying re the condom wrapper. Are you both sharing rooms with your DC? I’d still go personally.

I think cancelling the holiday is over the top. I would let your friend know and between you you could watch them more carefully or talk to them about trusting them and you don't want to feel let down.
At 14 isn't it normal that he would show an interest in a relationship? And if you are already friends with the dad and know the daughter well surely this is a positive as you know the family and that it is someone you get on with - unless you worry about when they break up it ruining your friendship with dad.

Do you not check your children’s phones? How remiss. You ought to be.

And Jesus Christ, of course two 14 year olds having sex is illegal. It is statutory rape.

What "very serious legal ramifications" are these? Nobody will be in the least interested about two 14 year old having sex.

It's not ideal, but it's not illegal.

I was groomed online before smart phones. I was smart, well behaved and honest. I thought I was sensible. It's only in hindsight I realised what was going on.

The Internet is a tough and dangerous place for teenagers. It's sensible to know where they are going and what they are doing, just like you would in the real world.

The girl’s dad needs to know.

Both parents need to talk to both kids about safe sex, the age of consent, about consent, and the importance of clear and open communication.

My thought exactly! Why on earth would you facilitate them having sex at an age when they should not be having sex. Not emotionally, psychologically or physically ready. Keep an eye? Right.

I would tell your friend the reason why if you trust him to manage the situation calmly.

So is he

"I found out by accident when looking through his phone" :-D

I wouldn’t cancel the holiday but I would tell the dad.

He’d rightly be hopping mad if you didn’t - he needs to be able to safeguard his dd still at her age as you need to your DS - you’re the responsible parents!

Both of them need to have a good chat about what is and isn’t safe from their parents. They’re too young to have sex for a good reason - they won’t be mature enough.

Checking a 14 year old’s phone is responsible parenting and should be a condition of getting the phone in the first place.

Not checking it is neglectful and stupid.

I'd talk to DS and explain that if there's any chance you're going to go on the holiday, your friend must be told about the relationship. I'd agree not to mention the condom wrapper to him, but would tell him he had to know they weren't just friends.
Then I'd have a chat with my friend and work out together where to go from there. I wouldn't mention the condom, but I'd raise the possibility with him that two 14 year olds in close proximity may get physical, and work out a strategy for handling that with your respective DC. You and your friend may decide the holiday isn't such a good idea together, but at least its all in the open.

Are you a teenager yourself? I sure as hell hope you aren't the parent of one. Not checking your child's messages would be negligent. As is turning a blind eye to a fourteen year old having sex.

I’d look to cancel as teen relationships aren’t really known for their longevity. They could easily fall out by the time the holiday comes around and it’d be super awkward hanging out with two teens who now hate each other.

Perhaps I would if check her phone if I had grounds for suspicion. But I would have to be honest about that - to her and to myself. I think it’s unfair of OP to claim she found out about the relationship accidentally when she deliberately went looking, then expect honesty from her son in return.

I was having sex at 14. I didnt go on holiday with my boyfriend and still managed it. I look back now and think wow I was young but we stayed together till we were 19 and genuinely loved each other. You were right to check the phone, and right to be concerned, your being a responsible parent. I would speak to the girls dad, I would not mention sex because you dont actually have proof of that but just say your concerned the potential of that happening while your away. I think there is potential for them sneaking into rooms on a night, I know I would have 😅. They are not going to be prosecuted as some previous bizarre comments have said!

I would have a proper chat with him about safe sex and that he is underage. I wouldn’t cancel the holiday but I’d explain that if he still wants to go, you would need to tell the girls dad. I’d also try and speak to them both together and set some rules. If you react badly and get angry with him, you’ll push him away and he won’t tell you anything and he will do it behind your back anyway. Try and explain it being out in the open is easier for you all and that you do trust him.

I wouldn’t cancel the holiday though.