Being a Non Resident Mum

Court will assess things based on your current health not history. Lots of parents with metal health history have their dc full time. Very often with no SS put whatsoever as it’s not a concern. You need to tell them he is using it as a means for control alongside all the other abuse. I get it’s tough but another year is a long time in your dc’s world. Just make sure ALL communication is in writing especially things like refusing contact then turning up. And save and file everything

ignore the first few posts OP, like others I find this thread really upsetting. He sounds exceptionally abusive to me - you should go to women's aid or the equivalent and get advice. It's not unusual for an abusive man to use the family courts as a way to continue to exert control over a woman. Women's Aid will be familiar with this.

You go to court and mention that he is abusive, controlling your visits to children, giving you moly clothes to wash with one day notice, etc.

If he is so mean, he cannot be that good to kids.

For the sake of your children, contact womans aid, get your MH workers to make assessments on your capabilities and take the cunt back to court. Good enough to do the washing but not good enough to be unsupervised because he says so?????

OP, I think you need to start getting in professionals to help you and be 'on your side'.

First thing, recognise he is abusive and what he says and does is abusive. Don't wash clothes you don't have to or be 'on demand'.

Speak to Women's Aid and other abuse organisations. They do help even if you are no longer in a relationship. If they assign you a case worker, they will be able to provide you with evidence you have sought support for abuse. Other professionals can do the same if you seek support from them. This will help you build up evidence for court, especially as he is involving the children to continue to abuse you. Do you have any communication with your kids' school? Ask to be emailed any communications. This will show you are an involved parent.

Try to get evidence of his abusive messages and only communicate factually with him -'grey rock'. Keep these safe.

If you see a regular therapist, GP etc they can confirm your MH is fit to lookafter your kids.

Check if you get legal aid and use any free legal hours you are able to get.

Play the long game. He will act worse and deny you access initially for getting yourself together (he will be in panic mode that you are showing some strength) but in the long run, you are building evidence to go back to court to see them regularly without relying on him to control access.

Equally start to go through any emails or texts he has ever sent you. Look at them for signs of demands, abuse, gas lighting, coercive control and blackmail,

I think once you start to have a plan and you look at him in the light of him having a vested interest to keep controlling you things in you will shift.
I think it could be argued that the courts decision of not having a consistent routine and leaving it up to your ex to act as a medically trained psychiatrist is unreasonable Especially as they are supervised visitations.
and him having to sit next to you when you do see them is having a negative influence negative influence on your MH.
Even if it is only for an hour or 2 per week in a contact centre where he has to bring them and if he doesn’t there is a 3rd neutral party that can record his no shows and his behaviour on drop offs would be better for everyone.

I would be documenting every single interaction you have with him. Every text, and email, record his phone calls and any interactions he has with you and put them in a separate area on your phone/computer to build a picture of his abusive and gaslighting behaviour

Start to look at things differently.
photograph all the dirty washing he gives to you to do and start to diarise every time he “needs help”
Look at this in the way that if he needs your help to do basic things that he should be doing eg the children’s laundry whilst they are in his care then the current arrangement isn’t working for him because he can’t cope with what he needs to do on a day to day basis.

The problem also is the court order basically states if at any point the resident parent feels my mental health is ‘poor’ he can restrict access

I would argue that this isn’t something that should have been directed and this should have been picked up at the time by your solicitor
It leaves you too open to abuse and him in the position of someone who has to make judgement on someone else’s mental health which I presume he isn’t medically qualified to do.

Eat properly, don’t drink alcohol attend all your mental health appointments and take what ever pills are prescribed. Record, photograph and copy everything and make a diary and timeline of his behaviour. Don’t tell him what you are doing and keep any interaction to discussions about dc and not about where you are going and what you are up to.

Most of all reframe in your own mind that his demands for help is proof of him not coping.

Everytime he refers to your “physical and mental state” apart from making a record of it, look at it as him seeing you are doing better and being worried that you will challenge him in court so you have to be brought down to maintain the status quo

Don’t come out with the fact he isn’t coping, just record his demands for help and do what is needed to help him and then when you have a timeline to show that the current arrangement isn’t working for him and you are on the road to recovery take him back to court for more consistent access.

Op Please seek help from Womans Aid, they do so much more than provide shelters.
I think this man has been abusing you for years including gaslighting you into MH issues when pregnant.

Let me guess he was always telling you you'd be a useless mum and stuff?

Supervised access with Social Work in a comtact centre would be better than this, theyll at least be neutral enough to decide when you no longer need it.

He's being abusive and coercive with you. Using you as a maid, upsetting you and the kids. Can your CPN help you or any other organisation. I think as others have said, go back to Court and see if you can get more visiting hours.

OP, did he put his requests for sex in writing, such as in a text message?

@CheeseSandwich1

Please contact WA and explain to them what's been going on. Stress that he was forcing you to sleep with him in order to see your children. You did not freely consent, you were coerced. Sex via coercion is basically rape, although I don't know if it's prosecutable in your specific case, or if you'd even want it to be.

As far as court, you don't have to request residency or 50/50 if you are truly sure it wouldn't be ruled in your favour. Try to see if you can get the order changed to specify regular days AND if your parents can't commit to a regular schedule, request supervised at a contact centre. And that clause that says he gets to decide if you're 'too ill' needs to go. There needs to be some sort of 3rd party involved. That's why a contact centre would be a good idea. There would be professional personnel there who could make that judgement. And if they keep notes on the visits it could help you build a case for unsupervised access.

And another resounding NO! to doing that nasty laundry. He wanted to be the resident parent? Well part of that is carrying the heavier load of parenting duties. He doesn't get to have his cake and eat it too.

Please also, talk to your MH team. If you currently don't have one, now would be a good time to seek the help of MH professionals. They can only help your situation.

This thread is so very upsetting to read. He is horribly abusive, OP, and it seems like your own confidence has been ground down to the point that you don't know how to stand up for yourself any more.

You really need good legal advice. Her are some charities that might be able to help.

https://childlawadvice.org.uk/

https://www.gingerbread.org.uk/find-information/legal-help-and-responsibilities/legal-help/

https://www.rcjadvice.org.uk/our-services/family/

This man sounds extremely abusive and is lying to the children about you standing them up. I wouldn’t wait a year as your relationship with the kids could be tainted by his lies by that point. Gather all of his messages as evidence. I also think the fact you’ve been living with them recently and looking after them on your own also supports your case.

I just read the bit about the specifics of the court order.

I still feel getting YOU to a good place is the priority. It's essential. You are still stuck in an abusive dynamic and won't be strong enough I fear. I know this. You can be weakened to the core by these types and have to recalibrate and cut emotional Comms / get support and help to gain strength.

Can you afford a female therapist asap? They will /should be able to really help you.

I would kind of play along with parts of his pathetic games for now whilst you get strong and do things to prove that so you can go back to court. You must feel desperate but try not panic. It wont take long to get where you need.

I know it's sickening but for now something like ' I'm not able to guarantee my dad can be around each time. He can't do that. For now, how do you feel about me taking the kids out for the day on Saturday ( or Sunday). I can pick up at xyz and return at xyz'. He'll probably want the break. If you are respectful and appreciative in your tone, stroking his ego, you will hopefully avoid any more control tactics. I agree that if sick it up and keep visiting kids if the only option is him being there. But you need guidance and support on how to handle him during this - as he's an abuser towards you.

And keep every comms you have. This will all be evidence down the line. Nice and slow and you'll get what you want.

He's a controlling guy so wants to fuck you around. You'll get what you want if you play it nicely nicely and get your things in order behind the scenes. Then, in good time, go back to court if things aren't moving the way you'd like.

If you have an extended time away from kids that will also play against you.
you are not asking to be resident parent, the court will want the kids in contact with you, it may not be so bad this tome
family court needs burning to the ground, I really know but I don’t think you have a choice. Engage with your MH team and just make the application, in the meantime prioritise seeing the kids even if he is there.
you can do this, I’m sorry you have to

Then go back to court

You said you've been receiving help from mental health services for a few years. Do you have a regular therapist/counselor, or can you request one? I really think it would be a good idea to talk this situation through with a professional who understands your diagnosis and situation. It seems like there is a LOT going on here (much more than can really even be covered even super briefly in a thread) with self-esteem and possibly trauma and other issues. Beginning to get a handle on all of that would be a good first step to get you to establish some basic boundaries and stop being exploited by this man, as well as to handle the fear you must have of losing all contact with your children if you disobey him. Please consider it!

Ah OP, this behaviour is so so abusive. I know you've been told a few times - but you have got to never ever sleep with this man again! No emotional communication at all.

I have various health challenges. It has had a big impact on my emotional well being. Do I think I'm mentally ill? No I don't. But I have an ex that's reside parent and has pulled the ' you're mentally ill' card. Abusive men do this. On the bingo card of abusers favourite phrases. I'd say calling the ex mentally ill is top!

Stop buying into this belief you're mentally ill. I believe you if you have particularly conditions diagnosed, but stress and abuse can actually send people into such severe emotional spirals and feeling severely mentally ill from that alone. So whatever is going on here, don't ever discuss anything about your health, mental health or anything private at all with him or any of his family members.

He's doing this because you're at a low point. You are vulnerable you feel weak and you're stuck in an abusive cycle.

I would make you the absolute priority now. Do whatever you have to to get strong. You need to stop all Comms with him unless it's to disclose contact. Nothings at all more. You don't reply to anything he says unless it's about contact.

Legally, I don't know how this works. I think it's important you don't over stretch yourself if you're not well. Look at what you think you can manage and go slow. Can you take the kids out every Saturday for the day and drop them off? Just for now and gradually work towards getting stronger. They will be fine.

Ask if that's ok with him. Specify time for collection and when you will drop back.

He is playing into your fears and low self worth atm. He is making you feeling ashame and this all weakens you so you can't fight back and crumble.

I've been through this recently in a different way. I implemented all the above and it changed everything. I see a counsellor regularly to guide me through it. I know look at the other person as laughable, including silly accusation and demands. You will too.

I don't think he has a leg to stand on with his shit demands. But you don't need the stress of playing his games. Step out the game, become almost robotic in your comms with him.

Ok, but that suggests dangerously poor judgement to me, to be honest. You bargained sexual access to your body for a sight of your children. Do you really feel that this is a better idea than going to court for court-mandated contact?

So stop sleeping with him, for goodness sakes put the children first and do what you to do that is best for them