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Original poster

Being a Non Resident Mum

88 replies

CheeseSandwich1 · 04/03/2026 23:05

My children’s father is resident parent due to me having significant mental health struggles that began during my first pregnancy.

Over the past few years, there’s been times we have been in a relationship which has meant that although the is the resident parent, I was staying at his/the children’s property, which meant during these times the parenting was mote equal, instead of resident/non resident parent.

We have recently broken up for good. Since breaking up he will not allow me to see the children on my own.

When I was very unwell there was an agreement that I would see the children with him or my parents but I have been seeing the children on my own for nearly a year.

He is now saying I can only see the children with him ‘sitting next to me watching and supervising’ or if ‘my parents confirm that they are supervising me’ - these are his words.

I don’t want to see the children with him. He’s been abusive over the years, he’s a lot older than me and I now understand a 40 year old being interested in a 22 year old (I was 22 when we met) was a red flag.

My parents are busy and don’t have the time to ‘supervise’ me with the children regularly.

Going back to court is not an option due to my previous mental health struggles, I will never ‘win’ against him because he’s not got anything adverse on his medical record and he’s financially very comfortable which means he can afford the best legal representation.

He thinks because I am the non-resident parent I should sit at home, wait for his call and be where he says within an hour.

He won’t make a schedule that works for the children, him and myself. If he knows I’ve made a plan to go out (which doesn’t happen often) he will make sure the day he offers for me to see them is the day I’ve made plans.

He gives me bags of washing (often with dried in poo, food, sick that’s going mouldy) and expects it washed and ironed in a day.

If I say anything I’m told I’m the non-resident parent and my priority should be to help him and look after the children when he needs to work (although he now won’t let me look after them on my own since we broke up).

I feel like to be a mum I lose my identity and devote my life to waiting for his calls in the hope he lets me see them OR I have my identity but I don’t get to see my children.

He constantly brings up my mental health and says I desperately need help (I’ve been receiving help from mental health services for a couple of years) and takes the mick out of me because I’ve got such a ‘long list of medical problems’ as pregnancy and childbirth did a number on me.

He’s said my body is horrible, that I have aged badly and look old, that he’s embarrassed to be seen with me as I’m so unattractive. It’s really getting to me.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 05/03/2026 12:24

Call women’s aid.
stop listening to his lies.

only communication should be about logistical issues in relation to the DC nothing else….
look up grey rock, it’s a useful method.
yes you will need to go back to court but you need women’s aid and a decent solicitor advocate for you.

Needspaceforlego · 05/03/2026 12:04

Op please please call Womans Aid. They will help you. That's a very first step.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/03/2026 12:04

I think you need to speak to a solicitor asap

Dont wait another year. He’ll only use it to entrench the situation more.

I didn’t mean to say you would get residence or 50:50, I meant to say even court ordered unsupervised contact for less that 50% of the time is better than this.

The problem with the current order is it gives him too much power- this bit about “if he feels your MH is bad” is awful, and no one representing you, the kids or the court should have agreed to it. It’s basically giving him the power of a judge, which isn’t appropriate.

He’s abusive and you need to make the application for a new order on that basis. He’s clearly been abusive both in the relationship and now.

Using the kids as a bargaining tool for sex is horrific. A decent solicitor should be able to help you get out of this situation.

Twooclockrock · 05/03/2026 12:02

He is an abusive vile swine
I would call womens aid and get some advice. It sounds like you really need some help here, that might be a good first step. Tell them everything and dont hold back and see where they can signpost you to or support.

BinNightTonight · 05/03/2026 11:58

Jesus, he sounds horrific. You need to speak to Woman's Aid and a Solicitor urgently.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 05/03/2026 11:45

He really is an abusive piece of shit. However.

You are not what he says, and you have professionals who agree with you. His words come from coercion and control, not truth. You have texts and messages that will demonstrate his abuse. If you haven’t got them already, start collecting them now. Screenshots of him refusing contact, putting demands on you, expecting sex.

You are in a difficult situation, but you aren’t alone and it isn’t hopeless. Use the professionals you are already engaged with- CPN etc- to support your case. Use Women’s Aid. With their help, put together a plan of action and get started.

💐

Needspaceforlego · 05/03/2026 11:35

I honestly think you need Womans Aid to be involved.
I'd also reach out to Social Work they can do supervised contact in a contact centre. Which also means you have a witness if he doesn't bring the kids.

Oh so you stink but he wants you to wash his clothes.

He has destroyed your mental health.
How old are kids?

Anonanonanonagain · 05/03/2026 11:33

You need to talk to a solicitor. He is making it hard for you to live, to parent and even harder for you to get well again.

Original poster
CheeseSandwich1 · 05/03/2026 11:22

What do I do about him only letting me see the children if he’s ’sat next to me supervising’ ?

I do not feel comfortable around him. He’s constantly making comments about my appearance and how he’s embarrassed to be seen with me because I don’t make effort with makeup and I don’t smell nice.

Whilst I don’t wear makeup everyday, I shower, clean clothes, skincare and perfume and I know 100% I don’t smell bad.

I’m barely leaving the house as I feel so down about my appearance etc due to him.

OP posts:
CinnamonBuns67 · 05/03/2026 11:13

OP it's clear as day he's using the children and his status "the resident parent" to abuse you, it happens all too often. You absolutely can take this to court, it's better than what's happening now. Show the courts what you are doing to improve and manage your mental health, take every parenting course you can find (ask your local family centres, social services if you have to), take every course the courts ask of you, ask for supervised access in a contact centre with reports to start with. You can do this OP.

SunSparkle · 05/03/2026 11:03

CheeseSandwich1 · 05/03/2026 10:52

No social worker. They were involved for a few months but weren’t much help.

Show quote history

I wonder if getting a social worker for you to help navigate this would be a positive. They also provide evidence on the positive steps and stability you have in your life too. Could you reach out to them again?

Original poster
CheeseSandwich1 · 05/03/2026 10:52

SunSparkle · 05/03/2026 10:43

do you have a social worker @CheeseSandwich1 ? could you start by discussing with them and also with Women's aid? get some advice? He's clearly abusive and you need to go back to court.

No social worker. They were involved for a few months but weren’t much help.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseSandwich1 · 05/03/2026 10:49

Thank you for all the responses, they’re really helpful.

To clarify, during court I had some supervised access because I’d been very unwell. Some of it was at a contact centre, when I’d had around 6 weeks of positive reports they moved it to supervised by my parents.

By the end of the court process I was having regular unsupervised contact with the children and there was an agreement in place at the last court hearing that the children’s time with me would increase over a 9 month period until I was doing regular overnights unsupervised every week.

However these was a clause in the court order that states if their Dad believes my mental health isn’t good he can stop contact.

There’s also a clause that states my CPN must provide him with ‘updates’ on my mental health if and when he wants them. Fortunately, my CPN has refused to do this as she sees him for what he is and instead has made it even clear that if she ever had any concerns she’d report it to the relevant professionals instead although she’s never needed to do this.

I do have a mental illness but if I’m honest I think it has been massively exacerbated by him. I won’t go into it on here but I’ve been through A LOT but he still comes out smelling of roses because he comes across so well to professionals, he’s highly educated etc.

OP posts:
SunSparkle · 05/03/2026 10:43

do you have a social worker @CheeseSandwich1 ? could you start by discussing with them and also with Women's aid? get some advice? He's clearly abusive and you need to go back to court.

Littlegreenbauble · 05/03/2026 10:34

This second page has good advice.

Women's Aid
Mental Health Advocacy Service near you?
Raise a safeguarding on yourself. Write what you have written here.
I'm sorry, he's abusing you and you need help and support with this.
Also be prepared to play the long game. Don't get into anything with him. Boundaries. No washing. No sex.
Best of luck 🍀

MammaBear1 · 05/03/2026 10:32

CheeseSandwich1 · 04/03/2026 23:36

It’s the children’s washing (which I don’t mind doing) he says I need to help him as he’s busy. Should I not be doing washing?

He basically begged the court to give him resident parent status when I was very unwell and now chucks it back in my face and basically uses me as a baby sitting/washing/cooking service when he needs it instead of actually making a plan for the children’s wellbeing.

Show quote history

If he’s the resident parent and you barely see the children because he’s controlling access to them so closely, the washing is his to do.
Contact Women’s Aid or Citizens Advice. There may also be Solicitors in your area that give a half hour consultation for free.
Your situation sounds dreadful. Be glad
you’re no longer in a relationship with him - and don’t become involved with him again.

Needspaceforlego · 05/03/2026 10:23

Op thats not a bad shout to get into work. Even doing a couple of shifts in a charity shop just to boost your confidence wouldn't be a bad idea.

I too am convinced he's been abusing you for years.

Namechangenoidea · 05/03/2026 09:18

Oh op this sounds horrible. I think he is the cause of all your mental health to be honest. Are the children happy living room him? Does he mentally abuse them?

Are you working? If not, you should make that priority as that will improve your mental health the most.

blackpooolrock · 05/03/2026 09:05

His behaviour is appallingly abusive. You need to document everything, keep all the text messages etc. and go see a solicitor with all the messages and get proper advice. Stop letting him play on your mental health - he is being coercive and controlling - show the solicitor how this causes you mental health issues.

CautiousLurker2 · 05/03/2026 08:41

PheasantandAstronomers · 04/03/2026 23:09

Of course going to court is an option. Do what you need to in order to prove your MH is good, and that it would benefit your children to have shared residency.

Yes, second this. Having had MH issues in the past - particularly as a result of postpartum depression - absolutely does not mean you can never have custody of or access to your children. I would speak to citizens advice and start the process to have this changed in the courts. They will not look upon his controlling and coercive behaviour kindly.

guinnessguzzler · 05/03/2026 08:03

So sorry you are going through this. Sorry if this is not a helpful suggestion but, you say whenever you make plans to go out, that's when he offers you to see the kids. How does he find out about these plans? Is there a way you can make sure he finds out about 'plans' in future (I mean fake plans) so then you have a better idea of when to expect him to offer you to see the kids? In general I don't think it's a good idea to play games with a controlling narcissist but their behaviour can be quite predictable and sometimes that can make it easier to deal with them.

Please look into the support options as others have suggested. It sounds like this man has caused you a lot of harm.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 05/03/2026 07:29

Your mental health will benefit massively from being free of this man. Work with Women’s Aid, because he is still abusing you.

It doesn’t have to be immediate, you can take time to think it through. With their help, you can go back to court and get a sensible contact agreement set up. Your mental health with improve.

He may still try and find ways to punish you, but you will be stronger than you were and supported by Women’s Aid.

Moonnstarz · 05/03/2026 07:24

Lots of good advice here. He is in breech of the court order by allowing you to see the children alone if the conditions were for him or your parents to supervise. I would get legal advice and go back to court challenging the court order requirement of supervision using this as an example.
As others have said, do you have text messages where he has made demands of you? Asked you to do the washing? Inviting you round for sex?
You should not be doing anything that is in his custody time, so if he has full custody of the children and you currently only get supervised visits you shouldn't be doing any washing or cleaning, even if it is for their benefit.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/03/2026 06:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Or maybe the abuse she’s suffered for years messed with op’s mental health so much that she became mentally ill?

Many things are possible with such scant information.

liveforsummer · 05/03/2026 05:48

Also agree to get help via women’s aid as well though. Hopefully they will be able to provide support through the process