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Original poster

Being a Non Resident Mum

88 replies

CheeseSandwich1 · 04/03/2026 23:05

My children’s father is resident parent due to me having significant mental health struggles that began during my first pregnancy.

Over the past few years, there’s been times we have been in a relationship which has meant that although the is the resident parent, I was staying at his/the children’s property, which meant during these times the parenting was mote equal, instead of resident/non resident parent.

We have recently broken up for good. Since breaking up he will not allow me to see the children on my own.

When I was very unwell there was an agreement that I would see the children with him or my parents but I have been seeing the children on my own for nearly a year.

He is now saying I can only see the children with him ‘sitting next to me watching and supervising’ or if ‘my parents confirm that they are supervising me’ - these are his words.

I don’t want to see the children with him. He’s been abusive over the years, he’s a lot older than me and I now understand a 40 year old being interested in a 22 year old (I was 22 when we met) was a red flag.

My parents are busy and don’t have the time to ‘supervise’ me with the children regularly.

Going back to court is not an option due to my previous mental health struggles, I will never ‘win’ against him because he’s not got anything adverse on his medical record and he’s financially very comfortable which means he can afford the best legal representation.

He thinks because I am the non-resident parent I should sit at home, wait for his call and be where he says within an hour.

He won’t make a schedule that works for the children, him and myself. If he knows I’ve made a plan to go out (which doesn’t happen often) he will make sure the day he offers for me to see them is the day I’ve made plans.

He gives me bags of washing (often with dried in poo, food, sick that’s going mouldy) and expects it washed and ironed in a day.

If I say anything I’m told I’m the non-resident parent and my priority should be to help him and look after the children when he needs to work (although he now won’t let me look after them on my own since we broke up).

I feel like to be a mum I lose my identity and devote my life to waiting for his calls in the hope he lets me see them OR I have my identity but I don’t get to see my children.

He constantly brings up my mental health and says I desperately need help (I’ve been receiving help from mental health services for a couple of years) and takes the mick out of me because I’ve got such a ‘long list of medical problems’ as pregnancy and childbirth did a number on me.

He’s said my body is horrible, that I have aged badly and look old, that he’s embarrassed to be seen with me as I’m so unattractive. It’s really getting to me.

I just wanted to get this off my chest.

OP posts:
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Needspaceforlego · 07/03/2026 00:11

@CheeseSandwich1
How are you feeling now ?

Are your family/ parents supportive of you?

I really do hope you can find the strength to reach out to WA for help. They do so much more than help women escape abuse.

babyproblems · 06/03/2026 22:20

Contact women’s aid @CheeseSandwich1

You can go to court. Don’t let him bully you and intimidate you. Best of luck xxxx

Barney16 · 06/03/2026 20:38

This is absolutely appalling. He sounds like a monster. All you describe is ongoing manipulative abuse. I can't add to the advice you have already received on here but do follow it. Record everything, every incident, contact Womens Aid. To be perfectly honest if you were my daughter I would get you the best solicitor I could afford and make it my mission to bring him down. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

FairKoala · 06/03/2026 06:24

CheeseSandwich1 · 05/03/2026 10:49

Thank you for all the responses, they’re really helpful.

To clarify, during court I had some supervised access because I’d been very unwell. Some of it was at a contact centre, when I’d had around 6 weeks of positive reports they moved it to supervised by my parents.

By the end of the court process I was having regular unsupervised contact with the children and there was an agreement in place at the last court hearing that the children’s time with me would increase over a 9 month period until I was doing regular overnights unsupervised every week.

However these was a clause in the court order that states if their Dad believes my mental health isn’t good he can stop contact.

There’s also a clause that states my CPN must provide him with ‘updates’ on my mental health if and when he wants them. Fortunately, my CPN has refused to do this as she sees him for what he is and instead has made it even clear that if she ever had any concerns she’d report it to the relevant professionals instead although she’s never needed to do this.

I do have a mental illness but if I’m honest I think it has been massively exacerbated by him. I won’t go into it on here but I’ve been through A LOT but he still comes out smelling of roses because he comes across so well to professionals, he’s highly educated etc.

I don’t know who was the judge in these matters but this is just wrong

Any judge that tells a medical professional to share an adult patient’s private health reports with another medically untrained adult and then asked the adult with no medical training to make a medical judgement on someone health needs to be looked into with a view of getting them at least some training in what is private and what is public and who is qualified to make a judgement on someone’s health

That is shocking

EvieBB · 05/03/2026 21:01

CheeseSandwich1 · 04/03/2026 23:59

The problem also is the court order basically states if at any point the resident parent feels my mental health is ‘poor’ he can restrict access, this basically means at any point he can and does say ‘I feel you’re mentally unwell right now so I can legally refuse access to the children’ without any repercussions to him.

That’s why I want there to be a really strong case when I return to court so there is nothing he can use to restrict contact.

Show quote history

Op, is it not the case that your mental health is poor because of him? Because you've been/are being emotionally abused by him? It's disgraceful that he can call the shots when it sounds like it's HIS abusive and controlling behaviour that has put you in this poor mental state in the first place. Please contact Women's Aid and tell them everything you've told us. You need support and counselling to be able to see this clearly. Good luck.

Littlegreenbauble · 05/03/2026 17:54

I think you need to get in touch with women's Aid and tell them what you've said here.

They can then help you with potential a potential court thing.

Get a little notebook. Or your phone. Write down things he does or says. The things you are talking about. Dates. Times. So at 3pm 5th February: Round at my house. Asked me to do washing. I said no. He made nasty comment: 'insert comment.'
Thursday 8th February. Sent me text. 'you have boyfriend round at your house' or whatever it is.
Build a picture. Do this every single time. Build a picture of abuse and control.
Inform on him. Show your cpn and trusted others. GP. Solicitor.
Do absolutely nothing wrong yourself. Nothing. Do not get drawn in. Grey rock.
He is not your ally. He doesn't care.
Your children have a right to a relationship with you. Not the other way around. They will get older. They will be teenagers and adults. Hopefully he will have less control then.
Ask to do the freedom programme if there is one in your area.

Bushmillsbabe · 05/03/2026 15:52

Usually the court would ask you to use a specific app, I think its called 'my family wizard' which can be monitored externally to ensure commuinication remains safe. If they haven't, then maybe ask the court to order this next time.

Needspaceforlego · 05/03/2026 15:44

Yes it will need to go back to court but Op is going to need a ton of support and the right lawyers to get her there.

Women's Aid has to be her first stop.

JanBlues2026 · 05/03/2026 15:42

This is shocking, I really feel for you it must be awful! Like others have said you need to start getting her help to fight this. Keep and print out all these communications which show his vile behaviour, record all calls. I would also be tempted to have the supervised meeting with the children in order to record the abusive things he is saying to you in front of the children.

KimuraTan · 05/03/2026 15:32

I‘m afraid only court can sort this and you shouldn’t be afraid of making an application for shared care.

Can you house yourself and the DC? Enough space? Can you take them to school?

Are you on medication or can the GP give you a report on current mental health status? Court will want to see this so you can include that in your application. The letter costs money and may take 6 weeks to be written so factor that in.

PeopleLikeColdplayYouCantTrustPeopleJez · 05/03/2026 14:59

You need to go to court. It is possible. You might have to demonstrate that you are an appropriate person to be left unsupervised to have contact with your children due to your mental health issues. If my abusive and mentally unstable ex managed it, you can. For balance, I have been living with mental illness since I was a child and while I had to be an open book and let social services and a family court judge crawl all over my life, it was worth it. Because now I have my children with me.

But, without wanting to sound harsh because you’ve clearly gone through some terrible things, you are going to have to pull your finger out and start getting things in motion.

AcrossthePond55 · 05/03/2026 14:47

@CheeseSandwich1

It's pretty obvious that part of your MH struggles (if not all) are due to him. Please, please call Women's Aid. You don't have to 'do anything' right off the bat but they can advise you as to what options/organizations may be able to help you.

Is your relationship with your parents such that they will help you and hold your hand through trying to get the court order changed and possibly building a case on his abusive behaviour?

I know it's hard to see your way clear through this mess. But I believe that something can be done to improve things. But you won't know what or how until you take the first step. You can always pull back and start again later if it's too much for you right now. And please seek support from MH professionals. They can give you the tools to get through this.

blackpooolrock · 05/03/2026 14:46

You need a solicitor. Try and record him telling you some of this nonsense. Record text messages, Get a web cam pointing down your street so you can see if he is watching you. If you think this report him to police and tell them why you think you are being followed. Report him for DV, this could help cover court costs if it's proven.

Needspaceforlego · 05/03/2026 13:32

Op you absolutely need professional support to help fight this evil git.
I'm begging you along with everyone else on here phone Woman Aid, or email them.

The psychiatrist also recognises what us amateurs are picking up on, he has abused you mentally and destroyed your self esteem.

The hardest step is picking up the phone.

OhamIreally · 05/03/2026 13:14

You poor thing. This man is a monster who is bent on destroying you. I’m so pleased you’ve come to Mumsnet. There are a lot of women who have broken free of horrendous situations with the help of women on here. By the way I’ve reported PollyBell’s post. That poster frequently pops up and the regulars have recognised him for what he is.
Do try to contact Women’s Aid as others have said.

Original poster
CheeseSandwich1 · 05/03/2026 13:06

I actually had a court appointment psychiatric assessment by a very well respected psychiatrist who said I had complete understanding of my struggles and very good insight.

Her recommendation was for me to build up to having the children regularly overnight over a period of time. There was no recommended therapy etc because I’m doing everything I can on my side! Her only recommendation was that I shouldn’t have to deal with their Dad. I really don’t feel like this was taken into consideration at all now.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseSandwich1 · 05/03/2026 13:03

I also know he’s been following me as he sent me a message stating he knows I wasn’t at home or my mum’s home on a specific day.

I live on a one way street, you need to go down another street to come up the other end which leads onto my street. It’s a small residential street and there would be no need for him to drive down my street unless he was visiting someone.

I’ve been accused of being in a relationship with a man that I am not in a relationship with/seeing/or romantically involved with at all! He’s using this as another reason for me to not see the children.

I barely leave the house unless it’s to go to my mum’s which is couple of minutes away, I wouldn’t even have the confidence to meet someone if I wanted to.

My problem is he’s a business owner, lots of connections to things going on in our small town and everyone thinks he’s fantastic.

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 05/03/2026 13:01

CheeseSandwich1 · 05/03/2026 11:22

What do I do about him only letting me see the children if he’s ’sat next to me supervising’ ?

I do not feel comfortable around him. He’s constantly making comments about my appearance and how he’s embarrassed to be seen with me because I don’t make effort with makeup and I don’t smell nice.

Whilst I don’t wear makeup everyday, I shower, clean clothes, skincare and perfume and I know 100% I don’t smell bad.

I’m barely leaving the house as I feel so down about my appearance etc due to him.

@CheeseSandwich1 He has worn you down so much, you can't seem to understand what people on here are advising you to do. You get onto Woman's Aid and let them help you to go back to Court very soon. Please don't wait another year. Just don't reply to him about him supervising

All the previous stuff at court was positive. Your MH nurse was happy and all that has happened is your ex didn't like the court arrangements so he's abusing you. That clause needs to be changed to something like your MH people must report to the court if they have concerns at any time - not your ex using that clause to abuse you further.

Original poster
CheeseSandwich1 · 05/03/2026 12:58

Muffinmam · 05/03/2026 12:43

May I ask if your mental health issues are a consequence of his abuse towards you?

Or is this due to schizophrenia or bipolar?

You absolutely have options.

You have said that for the past year you have had unsupervised contact. That would help to demonstrate you can have unsupervised contact.

I experience psychosis but I only started to struggle with this during my relationship with him. I had a relationship prior to him in which I didn’t experience mental health problems.

He’s tried to say I have a personality disorder but that was thrown out by professionals.

I struggle with depression, anxiety and ptsd but again this is all since meeting him.

OP posts:
OriginalUsername2 · 05/03/2026 12:56

It’s really not right that this man gets to decide when your mental health is bad. He’s not qualified, it’s just opinion. The courts have given him far too much power. You should definitely fight this.

Dinoswearunderpants · 05/03/2026 12:46

All I can think of is your poor children. Clearly an abusive man for leaving clothes so disgusting and trying to control you.

Muffinmam · 05/03/2026 12:43

May I ask if your mental health issues are a consequence of his abuse towards you?

Or is this due to schizophrenia or bipolar?

You absolutely have options.

You have said that for the past year you have had unsupervised contact. That would help to demonstrate you can have unsupervised contact.

Muffinmam · 05/03/2026 12:43

May I ask if your mental health issues are a consequence of his abuse towards you?

Or is this due to schizophrenia or bipolar?

You absolutely have options.

You have said that for the past year you have had unsupervised contact. That would help to demonstrate you can have unsupervised contact.

Muffinmam · 05/03/2026 12:43

May I ask if your mental health issues are a consequence of his abuse towards you?

Or is this due to schizophrenia or bipolar?

You absolutely have options.

You have said that for the past year you have had unsupervised contact. That would help to demonstrate you can have unsupervised contact.

Muffinmam · 05/03/2026 12:43

May I ask if your mental health issues are a consequence of his abuse towards you?

Or is this due to schizophrenia or bipolar?

You absolutely have options.

You have said that for the past year you have had unsupervised contact. That would help to demonstrate you can have unsupervised contact.

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