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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

NAMALT. Really? Dig deep and be honest with yourself. AMALT

571 replies

NoEggs · 04/03/2026 21:47

I love my DH. He’s a great guy and we’ve been happy for many years.

But
He’s not perfect. Doesn’t do the laundry. Defaults to letting me make stuff happen etc. etc.

Now even if your partner is a paragon I would argue that the species ‘men’ will generally default to slightly bloody useless.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
12
Summerbay23 · 05/03/2026 07:17

mindutopia · 04/03/2026 22:21

Well, we had our chimney collapse the other week due to storm damage. I literally was like, uh, nope, do not know how to deal with that. Dh had to sort out the builders and is now project managing about 6 months worth of building work and because I’m out of work due to illness, he’s had to rustle up the money to pay for it all. Similarly, we had a pipe burst today and I was also like, nope, no idea how to find a burst water pipe (outside, under the ground) and also don’t know how to operate a mini digger to dig it up, and I pretty much ran and hid and left him to deal with it. 😂

I think it’s all well and good being like, men don’t do the washing! I mean, Dh would have no idea how to book dc’s school lunches or how to pay for their clubs if I dropped dead tomorrow. But I don’t know how to fix a burst pipe or how to deal with a collapsing cob wall or how to re-grade the drive so that it doesn’t flood every time it rains. I have no desire to learn any of those things either and I totally disappear and leave Dh to sort them out because I can’t be asked with the stress. I don’t think either makes one of us more useless than the other. It’s why we make a good team.

Agree with this. I do/did lots of the child/life/school/house admin and domestic stuff but equally DH probably does 100% of the DIY, probably more dog walks than me, more general garden maintenance and some ‘blue’ jobs such as taking stuff to the tip etc. He will always help with chores if I ask.

We don’t really keep count as we’re a team and I can see that he’s not sitting around on his backside doing nothing. There are definitely good men out there.

Slightyamusedandsilly · 05/03/2026 07:16

Unfortunately, I agree. I think it's coded into most of them. There are good ones. But I think they're in the minority. 25% or less. I've never had a partner/boyfriend that was a good one. One of mine was harmless (as in not violent, a drunk, dangerous) but as far as adulting in the way women do? No.

GelfBride · 05/03/2026 07:13

I agree with you @NoEggs

I've worn a groove around the block as I am old and I never cease to be disappointed by men.

I'm married and have stopped trying to get him to do anything beyond default to lazy bastard as I'm sick of the sound of my own voice.

bananamilkshakeforeveryone · 05/03/2026 07:08

Monsterslam · 05/03/2026 06:37

If these things happened in my house it would be dealing with it all. I don't understand why having a penis means someone would be more capable at ringing a builder or plumber?

I dont think that poster is saying you must have a penis to ring a builder or plumber.

She is saying that her and her husband work as a team and she does the things around the house she feels comfortable with and he does the things he feels comfortable with. She also mentioned that she's ill and probably hasn't got the energy to deal with household crises like that.

Therefore they work together in partnership rather than one person doing it all. I am not sure what's so wrong about that? of course, if you are single then everything falls on you, that can't be helped but if you live with someone its perfectly reasonable to expect tasks to be shared, no?

PollyBell · 05/03/2026 07:07

Underthinker · 05/03/2026 07:05

It depends on what exactly you mean.

I am male and I do most of the laundry and other housework, but I am also a serial killer so it's swings and roundabouts.

But do you pass your KPIs

GarlicFound · 05/03/2026 07:06

Underthinker · 05/03/2026 07:05

It depends on what exactly you mean.

I am male and I do most of the laundry and other housework, but I am also a serial killer so it's swings and roundabouts.

I guess you have to be really good at cleaning, DNA evidence is a bastard to get rid of.

Underthinker · 05/03/2026 07:05

It depends on what exactly you mean.

I am male and I do most of the laundry and other housework, but I am also a serial killer so it's swings and roundabouts.

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 07:04

Whyherewego · 05/03/2026 07:00

My DP was primary carer for his kids for years and then fairly much solo carer when his ex moved away. So he's able to organise school admin, make dinners, clean the house and do the laundry.
He's also not great at these things. So he does enough to get by but they aren't probably done to the standards I see my some of my SAHM friends maintain. He's terrible at noticing stuff that needs doing but will cheerfully do anything if prompted.
Personally I think it's fine. He has other attributes. If there's a zombie apocalypse then there's no one who'd be better .. he's resourceful and practical and seems to know an incredible amount of random useful stuff.
Ultimately it's a bell curve isn't it. Some men are good at this stuff, some men are terrible and some in-between. Are women probably "taught" or socialised to be better? Probably. Hence many are. But it's never all of them either way.

He sounds super!

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 07:03

Gordonaire · 05/03/2026 06:01

I think, on balance, women are worse than men. Even though men tend to be at either extreme - they commit rape, murder and on the other side more acts of bravery and goodness - these are tiny numbers and the vast majority of men and even higher majority of women are more likely to be in the centre between goodness and badness. Nevertheless, women’s relentless obsession with detail, refusal to see the bigger picture, presumption that safety is always better than other options, relational aggression, sense of superiority to men, lack of ability to play straight, lack of ability to say what they mean and tendency to slyness and martyrdom is, I believe a greater force for evil than men’s faults. I’m a woman and I prefer men to women, I always have. AlthoughI guess it must be said NAWALT

May I also ask, do you think women are more likely to feel superior to men than men are to feel superior to women, then?

Gymbunny4 · 05/03/2026 07:03

mindutopia · 04/03/2026 22:21

Well, we had our chimney collapse the other week due to storm damage. I literally was like, uh, nope, do not know how to deal with that. Dh had to sort out the builders and is now project managing about 6 months worth of building work and because I’m out of work due to illness, he’s had to rustle up the money to pay for it all. Similarly, we had a pipe burst today and I was also like, nope, no idea how to find a burst water pipe (outside, under the ground) and also don’t know how to operate a mini digger to dig it up, and I pretty much ran and hid and left him to deal with it. 😂

I think it’s all well and good being like, men don’t do the washing! I mean, Dh would have no idea how to book dc’s school lunches or how to pay for their clubs if I dropped dead tomorrow. But I don’t know how to fix a burst pipe or how to deal with a collapsing cob wall or how to re-grade the drive so that it doesn’t flood every time it rains. I have no desire to learn any of those things either and I totally disappear and leave Dh to sort them out because I can’t be asked with the stress. I don’t think either makes one of us more useless than the other. It’s why we make a good team.

Completely agree
Me and DH play to our strengths same as you guys
I do everything with kids ,I got up in night to feed and change babies ,he didn't because he goes to work .
I do washing ,he does bins
I do school stuff he mows grass
He earns money
I stay home and look after disabled adult kids
I buy all presents for both families including mother's day for his mum
He walks the dogs
We share money ,we both buy groceries
We just work together for the best needs of the family
It's who ever can do it best, just does it ..end of
Don't have any issues particularly..
Well we don't agree about politics,I've posted before about him being to far left for my liking..but as long as we avoid that subject all is good in the family 🤣

Whyherewego · 05/03/2026 07:00

My DP was primary carer for his kids for years and then fairly much solo carer when his ex moved away. So he's able to organise school admin, make dinners, clean the house and do the laundry.
He's also not great at these things. So he does enough to get by but they aren't probably done to the standards I see my some of my SAHM friends maintain. He's terrible at noticing stuff that needs doing but will cheerfully do anything if prompted.
Personally I think it's fine. He has other attributes. If there's a zombie apocalypse then there's no one who'd be better .. he's resourceful and practical and seems to know an incredible amount of random useful stuff.
Ultimately it's a bell curve isn't it. Some men are good at this stuff, some men are terrible and some in-between. Are women probably "taught" or socialised to be better? Probably. Hence many are. But it's never all of them either way.

TheEveningReport · 05/03/2026 06:56

I feel pretty hopeless about men as a species but I have to say that my husband and my step dad are both very decent men and not in any way useless! My DH works hard but is also a very present father and helpful husband in terms of doing chores, mental load and being very supportive of me. My step dad is now a devoted carer to my mother and wonderful grandfather.

i honestly think they are in the minority but it gives me hope that men can be decent when I have seen so much to suggest the contrary.

SeanMean · 05/03/2026 06:50

YABVU. There are some amazing men and awful women.

Impossible to generalise in this way. My husband is more ‘perfect’ than me!

Midnights68 · 05/03/2026 06:50

TooBigForMyBoots · 05/03/2026 02:23

YANBU @NoEggs.

Just after the Giselle Pelicot trial, Grok porn and latest Epstein files release I asked the men of Mumsnet what they do for women and children. The replies were dismal.😒

I learnt that even if NAMALT, men aren't so bothered that they'll do anything about it. Some actually believed that they needed sympathy and empathy from me.🤯

I also learnt that some women get very Not my Nigel when you bring it up.

Edited

Yes. I’ve generally understood NAMALT to refer to overt misogyny and perversion rather than to domestic laziness.

I think the Epstein files and Gisele Pelicot and Grok porn and the sheer scale of online misogyny and perversion have illustrated that ALOMALT (a lot of men are like that). Probably not all, but I think the proportion is much higher than a lot of us estimate, and a lot of men are deterred from behaving in the way they want to purely by law, not by moral character.

So often, when a man does something awful, we hear people say that he seemed so nice and normal. Wayne Couzens’ wife said that she noticed nothing wrong before or after he killed Sarah Everard and they had a lovely life together. But he was watching brutal pornography and planning the savage kidnap, rape and murder of a complete stranger. You can’t ever see inside a man’s head, and I think a lot of women are naive about what might be going on in there.

Oneearringlost · 05/03/2026 06:45

"Sexists of both gender are tiresome."
I agree with @GaIadriel

Pigeonpoodle · 05/03/2026 06:40

I hate threads like this. It’s pure misandry.

Imagine a thread where this wasn’t a woman denigrating all men, claiming to be “more perfect”, but a white person denigrating all black people in the same way. Everyone would be rightly appalled by the overt racism and the thread would get deleted in minutes.

People, like the OP, who believe they and their group (whether selected by sex, race or religion etc) are so much better than their counterparts tend to lack self-awareness; and have a smug sense of superiority that is insufferable to others.

Monsterslam · 05/03/2026 06:37

mindutopia · 04/03/2026 22:21

Well, we had our chimney collapse the other week due to storm damage. I literally was like, uh, nope, do not know how to deal with that. Dh had to sort out the builders and is now project managing about 6 months worth of building work and because I’m out of work due to illness, he’s had to rustle up the money to pay for it all. Similarly, we had a pipe burst today and I was also like, nope, no idea how to find a burst water pipe (outside, under the ground) and also don’t know how to operate a mini digger to dig it up, and I pretty much ran and hid and left him to deal with it. 😂

I think it’s all well and good being like, men don’t do the washing! I mean, Dh would have no idea how to book dc’s school lunches or how to pay for their clubs if I dropped dead tomorrow. But I don’t know how to fix a burst pipe or how to deal with a collapsing cob wall or how to re-grade the drive so that it doesn’t flood every time it rains. I have no desire to learn any of those things either and I totally disappear and leave Dh to sort them out because I can’t be asked with the stress. I don’t think either makes one of us more useless than the other. It’s why we make a good team.

If these things happened in my house it would be dealing with it all. I don't understand why having a penis means someone would be more capable at ringing a builder or plumber?

Summerhillsquare · 05/03/2026 06:35

Dontlletmedownbruce · 04/03/2026 22:33

You sound like you either have a very limited life experience or lack critical thinking OP. So applying your logic, all women are like that...

Perfect. 10/10, no notes 🤣👏

Soooooo · 05/03/2026 06:34

Amblealongside · 04/03/2026 23:46

OP, I really hope you're not raising sons.

I always think this when I read thread like this slating men as one homogenous group, who Mothered all these pathetic men?

bananamilkshakeforeveryone · 05/03/2026 06:30

If you just mean all men are a bit flawed, well yes they are. I’m not perfect myself. Are you?

Yes, this.
I am not sure what you are trying to say OP-do you mean men are all inherently evil/awful? or do you mean they are flawed human beings and some have selfish tendencies, because we all have those.

My H and I are far from perfect but he is not selfish - he does all the cooking, did more than his 50% of the child care and does loads around the house. I didnt have to nag him. for that, he just does it.

Perhaps it makes you feel better to think that AMALT

Carla786 · 05/03/2026 06:22

Gordonaire · 05/03/2026 06:01

I think, on balance, women are worse than men. Even though men tend to be at either extreme - they commit rape, murder and on the other side more acts of bravery and goodness - these are tiny numbers and the vast majority of men and even higher majority of women are more likely to be in the centre between goodness and badness. Nevertheless, women’s relentless obsession with detail, refusal to see the bigger picture, presumption that safety is always better than other options, relational aggression, sense of superiority to men, lack of ability to play straight, lack of ability to say what they mean and tendency to slyness and martyrdom is, I believe a greater force for evil than men’s faults. I’m a woman and I prefer men to women, I always have. AlthoughI guess it must be said NAWALT

Could you elaborate more on why you think these above traits (relentless obsession with detail, refusal to see the bigger picture, presumption that safety is always better than other options, relational aggression, sense of superiority to men, lack of ability to play straight, lack of ability to say what they mean and tendency to slyness and martyrdom ) mean women are a greater force for evil?

I personally think most people are in the middle as you said. I agree there are many bad women, and I'm sorry you've come across so many.

But you yourself admit that men tend to be more at extreme ends, and are more likely to rape and murder. Violent crime is overwhelmingly committed by a subset of men.

Why do you think that lack of ability to say what they mean, relational aggression, sense of superiority to men, preference for safety, lack of big picture thinking etc are more harmful than those things?

Clarabell77 · 05/03/2026 06:19

I think a lot of people posting on here need to read about the patriarchy, especially the pp who thinks it’s okay for men to be shit because they invented things. 1. They got to invent things because they had women in their place (home). 2. Quite often women invented things but men took the credit, because they could.

Clarabell77 · 05/03/2026 06:15

GarlicFound · 05/03/2026 05:16

Most of these replies are bats. Chosen as representative: I believe the moment the generalisation starts, all argument, and discussion is out the window.

You couldn't navigate life without making generalisations. No business or government could function without generalisations.

On the topic in hand, do PPs deny that girls are trained from infancy to be softer, gentler, kinder, to 'serve', to notice the detail of what keeps life functioning well and to ensure it is done? Have you somehow missed the way boys are trained to be more assertive, decisive, self-important and to expect 'service' through life's daily details?

Perhaps more controversially, it's now widely understood that men's greater strength and propensity to violence, plus the constraints on women of pregnancy, birth and infant care, lead to circumstances where women are reasonably afraid of male opposition - and are guaranteed to meet it, varying only in frequency and intensity.

There's a power imbalance in favour of men. It advantages all men. The men who don't assault, rape or murder benefit from the background threat of those who do, even if they don't realise it. Most of the men who have learned everyday life skills will stop using them once they have a woman to do it; the few that carry on will be praised as no women are.

AMALT, some more than others!

Thank you. I was reading the replies in horror hoping someone would post something sensible.

Gordonaire · 05/03/2026 06:01

I think, on balance, women are worse than men. Even though men tend to be at either extreme - they commit rape, murder and on the other side more acts of bravery and goodness - these are tiny numbers and the vast majority of men and even higher majority of women are more likely to be in the centre between goodness and badness. Nevertheless, women’s relentless obsession with detail, refusal to see the bigger picture, presumption that safety is always better than other options, relational aggression, sense of superiority to men, lack of ability to play straight, lack of ability to say what they mean and tendency to slyness and martyrdom is, I believe a greater force for evil than men’s faults. I’m a woman and I prefer men to women, I always have. AlthoughI guess it must be said NAWALT

PollyBell · 05/03/2026 05:57

CypressGrove · 05/03/2026 05:54

Do you have any sons? If so do you believe that no matter what if your son has the opportunity or power he will take advantage of a woman?

Am I wondering how all this evil sons end up that way? parents to blame?