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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My neighbour keeps bringing us food - too much?

138 replies

FlyingPi · 04/03/2026 21:01

We moved into our house a year ago and found that the neighbours were an elderly Asian couple who didn't seem to speak much English. Waved, said hello, that was about it. After six months, their daughter came back as she'd been in Pakistan for a long visit. Well, she came over to introduce herself, very chatty young woman in her 20s, told me unprompted all about her divorce and weight loss surgery. Good to be on civil terms with neighbours, obviously, so that was nice.
Anyway, since then she keeps bringing us food over. Mostly things like bhajis, spring rolls, sometimes cakes or sugar cookies, traditional Asian food I guess (we are not Asian). She says she just always cooks too much (especially since having her stomach stapled!) and enjoys it. But at this point it's now almost every week and I'm feeling kind of odd about it! She just turns up at the door with plates of food and immediately launches into telling us what it is.
The food is nice, not fancy or anything. I don't eat it as usually meat-based but my kid is very happy to scoff free food. We always take the plates back and thank her, but say "oh, you really don't need to" but she kind of waves that away.
She doesn't seem to want anything from us, she's half my age so I don't think she wants to be friends with me particularly (eg never asks me anything about myself).
I absolutely do not want to offend this lady, I think it's partly her personality and partly a cultural thing that is causing her to do this kind thing. The family who we bought the house from were also Asian and had lived here for decades, so I don't know if she was just in the habit of sharing with them.
But AIBU to think that once a week is a bit much? We can make our own meals and it's feeling like a bit of an imposition, like I need to repay her. And I'm sure there are people who might need it more?
Once we were making a dessert so we took them some, but generally I'm not a big baker or anything so I don't really want to start. And it would feel weird to, like, take them half of our dinner, plus I'm not sure if they'd like that food? I was thinking of giving them a card or gift for Eid, but since I don't actually know the family, have no idea what they'd like. I'm guessing they have enough food!
Or is this fairly normal in some communities and I should just continue to accept gratefully and be glad we have pleasant neighbours?

OP posts:
StephensLass1977 · 04/03/2026 22:08

Believe me, she absolutely does not want repaying. Yes it is a cultural thing. People from Pakistan just love cooking for you and making you cups of tea. She won't want anything in return.

Aphroditesangel · 04/03/2026 22:07

We once had some Polish neighbours who used to regularly bring us food if they had made some and had too much. It wasn’t every week which I think I would find a bit much. I guess it’s a cultural thing but I’d be constantly thinking I need to reciprocate.

KimuraTan · 04/03/2026 22:04

Wha a lovely neighbour to have!! I can understand why you’d feel it’s imposition but try and let go of it. I have had Asian neighbours like that and lived extensively in SE Asia and it’s a friendly thing to do.

A card and maybe some flowers for Eid or biscuits that you enjoy sound like a lovey idea - I‘m sure they’ll enjoy you reaching out like that.

Bonkers1966 · 04/03/2026 22:02

It's the Asian way. Happy days.

notthatoldchestnut · 04/03/2026 22:01

I’m English and do this! We have a lovely little lane of fantastic people. One of the neighbours brings me round veg that he grows, I make soup, or homemade hummus, or cakes, and share those with several of the neighbours. It’s just a nice thing to do!

ThatCyanCat · 04/03/2026 21:57

Ooh, we had Indian neighbours when I was a kid who used to do this and it was AMAZING. They truly just enjoyed cooking and sharing their delicious food, nothing more than that, never expected or wanted any reimbursement. You are very lucky!

Tartaupommes · 04/03/2026 21:57

I'm not getting whether you like it but feel guilty, or whether actually you'd rather she didn't. If it's the latter, it's fine to say it's too much. I'm sure she'd understand, having been through weight loss surgery etc. By returning plates and saying thank you, you're giving her the impression that it's welcome so she won't know unless you tell her. Personally, I would find weekly too much and I wouldn't like the asymmetry in giving.

If it's just that you feel guilty, don't! She's doing it because she wants to.

PollyBell · 04/03/2026 21:51

Yes I get it is meant to be nice but if something becomes too much people have the right to say enough is enough, yes put nicely, but although they have good intentions it is only nice is works for everyone

there is absolutely nothing wrong with saying no thank you

Exasperateddonut · 04/03/2026 21:46

TroysMammy · 04/03/2026 21:10

I have Asian neighbours, a lovely nurse of Pakistani heritage and an Indian gynae consultant. Occasionally they turn up with plastic containers of food they have made to share. I really like cooking the same type of food, I'm not Asian, and reciprocate. They also benefit from vegetables I grow in my garden. I really like most of my immediate neighbours.

Sounds like you live next to my old boss!

I’d do anything for his wife’s cooking now. It was so so SO good.

Homemade samosas…. Hmmmmm

PerpetualStudent · 04/03/2026 21:45

Oh this is lovely, reminds me of when our Turkish ‘allotment neighbours’ back in London used to share chicken and baklava.

ThatPearlkitty · 04/03/2026 21:39

@FlyingPi personally id be very grateful and eat it etc + offer a gift when suitable as and when

Liondoesntsleepatnight · 04/03/2026 21:37

A nice bouquet of flowers from time to time and a thank you every time is what’s needed

HoppityBun · 04/03/2026 21:31

I do understand because we usually have a feeling that gift giving should be reciprocal. How about some flowers and chocolate at Easter? Celebrating spring doesn’t have to be tied to religion

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 04/03/2026 21:28

Your neighbour is bringing you home cooked food weekly, eat & enjoy.

CharSiu · 04/03/2026 21:28

It is regular in many cultures, I am of Chinese descent and when one of the Mums at school had a baby she was surprised but also delighted I called round with a chicken casserole for her and her DH and not flowers.

DS called in once when in the area with a colleague and I did my food offering, she found it sweet DS was sorry mate my Mums Chinese and they are just like that. I used to take dumplings in to a shop I used to go in a lot, sadly closed now.

You are not beholden it will give them pleasure, I used to feed loads of DS friends after school. We had Jamaican neighbours a few years ago and did quite a bit of swapping of food. DS worked with an Indian woman who used to bring home made Samosas in for everyone, it’s the reason he misses that job.

FlyingPi · 04/03/2026 21:24

Oceangrey · 04/03/2026 21:19

Can you reciprocate by being a good neighbour in other ways?
Take in parcels, lend tools, offer help if they are doing a big job in the garden, keep an eye on the place if they go away?

I definitely would but no idea what. We've never had a parcel from them, they don't seem to go anywhere and it's a shared communal garden that has a guy who comes to cut the grass etc. We once lent them a cheapo weeding tool for their path but they accidentally broke it and immediately bought a new one! I certainly can't complain, can I!!

OP posts:
ponyinmypocket · 04/03/2026 21:23

They aren't asking for anything in return, truly. Just be good neighbors and the bring them something back from holiday occasionally.

Simplestars · 04/03/2026 21:22

They don't want you to reciprocate with food and gifts.
Just to be pleasant and kindly towards them is enough I was told.

ShamrockShenanigans · 04/03/2026 21:22

Ahh at least your DC are eating the food so it's not going to waste.

You should try living in Ireland.

I think my mother was single-handedly responsible for the obesity epidemic in our street 🤣☘

FlyingPi · 04/03/2026 21:21

SliceofTosst · 04/03/2026 21:14

I get you OP. If it was very occasionally it would be nice but weekly is awkward. You feel you should reciprocate but do know how which ruins how nice their gesture is.

Yeah, that's the thing - it's the frequency. If it was just once every couple of months I'd feel less awkward and "beholden".

OP posts:
Trusttheawesomeness · 04/03/2026 21:21

I lived next door to a Pakistani couple when I was at uni, their flat was across the landing from mine. I got loads of home cooked food from them every week! Seemed to be a cultural thing for them and I certainly didn’t complain. I just sometimes made nice cakes etc for them.

illsendansostotheworld · 04/03/2026 21:20

I would love this especially if it meant l didn't have to cook

Sandrine1982 · 04/03/2026 21:20

Our neighbours are of Pakistani origin and they also do this sometimes (not as often as yours though). The mum is an excellent cook so I'm always happy, but I feel a bit bad as I can't really reciprocate - I'm not a good cook and never cook enough anyway. But we've reciprocated a few times when my husband cooks something nice.... :)

FlyingPi · 04/03/2026 21:19

ExitPursuedByABare · 04/03/2026 21:14

It’s a Pakistani thing. Feeding. Enjoy.

Haha, funnily enough this is what my friend who is of Indian origin (Gujarati heritage born here) said! She's Muslim but never cooks for anyone though!

OP posts:
ponyinmypocket · 04/03/2026 21:19

It's cultural, we get food sent by the neighbours every week in the gulf (not uae).

Asking them not to won't achieve anything, I promise 😂