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AIBU?

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Original poster

My neighbour keeps bringing us food - too much?

138 replies

FlyingPi · 04/03/2026 21:01

We moved into our house a year ago and found that the neighbours were an elderly Asian couple who didn't seem to speak much English. Waved, said hello, that was about it. After six months, their daughter came back as she'd been in Pakistan for a long visit. Well, she came over to introduce herself, very chatty young woman in her 20s, told me unprompted all about her divorce and weight loss surgery. Good to be on civil terms with neighbours, obviously, so that was nice.
Anyway, since then she keeps bringing us food over. Mostly things like bhajis, spring rolls, sometimes cakes or sugar cookies, traditional Asian food I guess (we are not Asian). She says she just always cooks too much (especially since having her stomach stapled!) and enjoys it. But at this point it's now almost every week and I'm feeling kind of odd about it! She just turns up at the door with plates of food and immediately launches into telling us what it is.
The food is nice, not fancy or anything. I don't eat it as usually meat-based but my kid is very happy to scoff free food. We always take the plates back and thank her, but say "oh, you really don't need to" but she kind of waves that away.
She doesn't seem to want anything from us, she's half my age so I don't think she wants to be friends with me particularly (eg never asks me anything about myself).
I absolutely do not want to offend this lady, I think it's partly her personality and partly a cultural thing that is causing her to do this kind thing. The family who we bought the house from were also Asian and had lived here for decades, so I don't know if she was just in the habit of sharing with them.
But AIBU to think that once a week is a bit much? We can make our own meals and it's feeling like a bit of an imposition, like I need to repay her. And I'm sure there are people who might need it more?
Once we were making a dessert so we took them some, but generally I'm not a big baker or anything so I don't really want to start. And it would feel weird to, like, take them half of our dinner, plus I'm not sure if they'd like that food? I was thinking of giving them a card or gift for Eid, but since I don't actually know the family, have no idea what they'd like. I'm guessing they have enough food!
Or is this fairly normal in some communities and I should just continue to accept gratefully and be glad we have pleasant neighbours?

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyingPi · 04/03/2026 22:49

MrsJeanLuc · 04/03/2026 22:40

I was thinking of giving them a card or gift for Eid

@FlyingPi do you know that they are Muslim? If not I think you should be careful about an Eid card or gift - it could be quite offensive if they are Hindu or Sikh

Yes, they definitely are, she's mentioned fasting and breaking it with dates, and my mate has seen them at the mosque.

" It’s a difficult time for Muslims at the moment and they are just showing you that we generally are kind and generous." Yes this is why I would hate to offend, there is so much horrible racism around and misunderstandings.

OP posts:
Solitario · 04/03/2026 22:48

Happy to do a house swap with the OP. Our grisly neighbours at both sides have never fed us in nearly two decades. Sad

Probably a good thing though...

MoonshineSally · 04/03/2026 22:47

SunnyRedSnail · 04/03/2026 21:05

They sound amazing! What lovely neighbours.

My parents and their neighbours do this! They have a Chinese neighbour who loves practicing her English!

My Chinese next door neighbour used to bring me all sorts of food round. She moved and I got a right nosey parker instead!

MochaAndBiscuits · 04/03/2026 22:47

I'd personally love this! As a child I had Filipino neighbours and they regularly brought us food and sweets round. We were over the moon

Rewis · 04/03/2026 22:43

I would not enjoy this. It is one thing to help out when someone is unwell or every now and then bring over something 'special'. But i would not enjoy weekly food deliveries from neighbours.

I don't think you can do anything about it other than accept it. I would potentially bring them something for Christmas and eid/easter etc. but not more frequently than that. I would not want to encourage this.

It is interesting people's comments about a good neighbour and how many seem to consider this as basics of being a good neighbour. I don't think bringing food to a neighbour every week just because makes it in my top 10 of what makes a good neighbour.

MrsJeanLuc · 04/03/2026 22:40

I was thinking of giving them a card or gift for Eid

@FlyingPi do you know that they are Muslim? If not I think you should be careful about an Eid card or gift - it could be quite offensive if they are Hindu or Sikh

ArtesianWater · 04/03/2026 22:39

I'd feel awkward like you do but goodness, how lovely. Makes me feel like I should be a better neighbour for sure.

Focusispower · 04/03/2026 22:39

My mum’s neighbours do this, and often during Ramadan will share their iftar food. It’s so lovely but I have both Italian and Pakistani family and Asian friends who would do similar so it doesn’t weird me out. It’s so British to feel awkward about it! My mum doesn’t reciprocate with food but waters their plants when they are away. Just neighbours being nice!

Endofyear · 04/03/2026 22:38

It's a cultural thing, my Indian granny was a feeder and would often give pakoras, bhajis and parathas to her neighbours! I'd just be grateful and enjoy it ☺️ if you want to get them a nice gift once in a while, you could always get them a box of Indian/Pakistani sweets if you've got an asian shop nearby.

LLJETO · 04/03/2026 22:35

Our Pakistani neighbours also do this. Not as often as yours though. The food is always amazing! They always bring us gifts at Christmas and Easter too so I’m preparing to make them a cake for Eid. I was a cake maker in a previous life!

carrotcake1234 · 04/03/2026 22:32

I’m an English Muslim married to a Pakistani man and it most definitely is common in the culture. They won’t want anything in return, they are just being friendly. Just enjoy the food and don’t feel awkward, they are just being neighbourly. It’s a difficult time for Muslims at the moment and they are just showing you that we generally are kind and generous. They will be fasting now so maybe if you want take some dates, mithai or some cake for them to enjoy after the fast breaks but they certainly won’t be expecting anything in return.

IdaGlossop · 04/03/2026 22:30

My Pakistani nextdoor neighbour comes round with a plate of samosas, bhajis, fried chicken and byriani quite often, or sends one of her children. Over the years, I have reciprocated by making them a cake or a crumble. On Christmas Day I go round with DD to take a plate of mince pies (vegetarian suet). When the children were small, I invited them round for an Easter egg hunt, and when the dad took the elder son to Pakistan for a few weeks, I took one of the younger children to school each morning and read with him. I really enjoy our little gestures of neighbourliness and wouldn't want not to be friendly with the family we share a wall with.

Mummyof2andthatsenough · 04/03/2026 22:28

I think I can speak on behalf of most Asians when I say we love feeding people. I wouldn't feel bad about not being able to reciprocate all the time, just as and when you feel you can, if the once a week bothers you, just make a polite joke of it and hopefully they will get the picture....but otherwise, just enjoy!

magentacaramel · 04/03/2026 22:26

You have lovely neighbours. Just ask them to make the portions smaller / non veg if you feel you can. Our new neighbors do DIY at 11pm and park their commercial van outside on the road so I cannot see clearly when I try to drive out of my driveway! Also, don’t tell FARAGE that your Muslim / brown neighbors are really nice normal law abiding people who want to intergrate and be neighboulrly - he just won’t get it

RawBloomers · 04/03/2026 22:25

Angelic999 · 04/03/2026 22:20

Why's it OP's responsibility to make her neighbour feel better though? Anyway the neighbour has elderly parents so she can cook for them, or give to a homeless charity.

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It isn't. No one has said it is. Do you often have trouble with comprehension?

Trusttheawesomeness · 04/03/2026 22:24

FlyingPi · 04/03/2026 22:16

I don't particularly want the food, no. It gets eaten because it's here, but we don't need it at all. I mean I get people are saying how they'd love it but it doesn't save me any effort cooking since it comes at random times, and it's not amazing food - it's perfectly nice, but no nicer than what we'd have anyway. But I would hate to hurt her feelings or offend. As I don't know her at all really, it would be hard to judge how to phrase a refusal.
I could say we're all on diets I guess!

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Oh, if you don’t want it then tell her that. It’s great if you enjoy the food etc but it’s very irritating if you don’t actually want it.

Tell her that you can’t eat it and the food is being wasted so could she please stop but say you really appreciate that she thought of you and you’re not trying to cause offence but the food is being wasted.

Angelic999 · 04/03/2026 22:20

RawBloomers · 04/03/2026 22:19

I think you are, in part, her excuse to cook. Something she loves. If she felt slighted by your failure to reciprocate, she'd have tailed off, not ramped up. She probably feels great about being able to cook things she loves but can't really eat and being neighbourly and passing on sunshine by giving you delicious food. You play an important role in her life, making it brighter, just by accepting the food and telling her how wonderful it was.

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Why's it OP's responsibility to make her neighbour feel better though? Anyway the neighbour has elderly parents so she can cook for them, or give to a homeless charity.

RawBloomers · 04/03/2026 22:19

FlyingPi · 04/03/2026 21:21

Yeah, that's the thing - it's the frequency. If it was just once every couple of months I'd feel less awkward and "beholden".

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I think you are, in part, her excuse to cook. Something she loves. If she felt slighted by your failure to reciprocate, she'd have tailed off, not ramped up. She probably feels great about being able to cook things she loves but can't really eat and being neighbourly and passing on sunshine by giving you delicious food. You play an important role in her life, making it brighter, just by accepting the food and telling her how wonderful it was.

Angelic999 · 04/03/2026 22:18

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 04/03/2026 21:28

Your neighbour is bringing you home cooked food weekly, eat & enjoy.

It's not even food she can eat - OP doesn't eat meat. Regardless, most people want to decide what food they eat themselves not have it forced upon them.

constantnc · 04/03/2026 22:18

My child used to have a sen taxi for school, a chap and his escort wife who used to drop off goat or chicken curries on a regular basis for us. Fab days lol.

Original poster
FlyingPi · 04/03/2026 22:16

Tartaupommes · 04/03/2026 21:57

I'm not getting whether you like it but feel guilty, or whether actually you'd rather she didn't. If it's the latter, it's fine to say it's too much. I'm sure she'd understand, having been through weight loss surgery etc. By returning plates and saying thank you, you're giving her the impression that it's welcome so she won't know unless you tell her. Personally, I would find weekly too much and I wouldn't like the asymmetry in giving.

If it's just that you feel guilty, don't! She's doing it because she wants to.

I don't particularly want the food, no. It gets eaten because it's here, but we don't need it at all. I mean I get people are saying how they'd love it but it doesn't save me any effort cooking since it comes at random times, and it's not amazing food - it's perfectly nice, but no nicer than what we'd have anyway. But I would hate to hurt her feelings or offend. As I don't know her at all really, it would be hard to judge how to phrase a refusal.
I could say we're all on diets I guess!

OP posts:
ByRedBee · 04/03/2026 22:14

I’m Irish and was always taught to be a good neighbour
i cook for my neighbour on one side every week
and receive weekly goodies from my Asian neighbours the other side
we are all happy with this arrangement
my neighbour gives the kids pocket money and they are all used to taking his daily meal over every night
hopefully they will become good neighbours themselves one day

Angelic999 · 04/03/2026 22:14

Oh I would absolutely hate this. I am the stereotypical Mumsnetter who doesn't answer their front door though!

saraclara · 04/03/2026 22:11

My aunt is 96 and living independently. I don't have to worry about her, because she has Pakistani neighbours! They cook for her three days a week, just because. I suspect they'd feed her every day, but she wouldn't let them.

saraclara · 04/03/2026 22:08

I used to teach in a special school in a very multicultural town. Some of our parents used to send food for my team regularly. Plastic containers full of Asian goodness! And if I was doing a home visit I couldn't leave without accepting food! They wanted nothing in return. It's just the Muslim way.

Now I'm retired, I rather miss all the goodies that they'd send in the day after Eid!