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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected more of DH post partum?

183 replies

embroideredpanda · 04/03/2026 20:00

First baby is 4 months old. DH and I have been together 10 years. Very calm relationship. Prior to baby, I would say quite an even division of labour in the household, though I was carrying the “mental load”.

All through pregnancy, DH seemed really excited. The first few weeks of baby’s life, he tried really hard. He was doing lots of skin-to-skin and basically running the household single handedly while I nursed and held baby. He had a longer pat leave than standard.

Even so, things started to creep. I would be nap trapped on the sofa and he would eat lunch and go play video games. I would be starving! He wouldn’t offer food or even come see me so I could ask. I couldn’t exactly call to him as it would wake the baby. Or, baby would be screaming at night and he just wouldn’t get out of bed. I found these times quite emotionally challenging to be faced with such a distressed baby.

The first four weeks he would help in the night, but then that stopped abruptly. He moved to the spare room and just left me to it. He started staying up late to game and ended up on a schedule of sleeping midnight-9/10am. Meanwhile DD and I were going to bed at 9pm and waking at midnight, 2am, 4am and up for the day before 6am most days. My friends or family would come visit and I would lie that he had helped in the night to explain why he was still in bed.

Around baby’s 2 month mark, he started having pains (his hip, his knees, his back, his neck). It has got to the point he had has blood tests, x-rays, physio and no medical professional can find anything wrong with him. Due to all these pains he claims he can’t even hold DD now. She is what you might call a “Velcro” baby. I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day. I’ve tried asking if he can lie next to her on the bed while I shower or something but he says he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she rolled. He has spent this week in bed, gaming and performatively saying how much he’s looking forward to spending time with DD when he’s better.

Anyway, I guess AIBU to not have expected this or are all men like this in the end?

OP posts:
Morepositivemum · 05/03/2026 03:17

Also he needs to sleep back in with you, I don’t know how men get away with this!

Morepositivemum · 05/03/2026 03:15

While he needs to step up and you both need to talk and tell him this I think you thinking he’s having phantom pains when he’s going for tests etc maybe a bit much? You think he’s making it up?

I know skin on skin etc but if he can’t hold the baby then baby goes into wherever you keep the baby when not holding, so rocker Moses basket etc, and he gets her. You need to eat, wash etc. as someone says even if she screams don’t be the go to person, she’s his daughter.

Guavafish1 · 05/03/2026 01:53

Very common

men don’t know their place and feel left out of the triangle.

i think you need to ask him to step up and also provide you meals at the least. You need to communicate with him.

if not, you had the option I stay at family for first 6 months. By then you can re-evaluate your relationship

Original poster
embroideredpanda · 05/03/2026 01:29

DeclineandFall · 04/03/2026 22:59

Mine was convinced he had glandular fever. But no diagnosis obvs. Or symptoms other than having to get a full night's sleep. He managed to go to work but wouldn't do any nights as baby was breastfed, had colic and never slept . He was a total prick about it and our relationship never recovered. He is massively avoidant and def has autistic traits but again won't get a diagnosis so all I can believe is that he didn't give a fuck.

Massively avoidant is what we are dealing with. I reckon he also had autistic traits but I can’t tell whether it’s just being poorly socialised from an all male education.

Can I ask if yours managed to overcome the avoidance?

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 05/03/2026 00:00

how is he gaming if so much pain he cant lie down next to a baby?

and irrelevant to th pain he wont even offer food or drink to his wife thats just not on

Pistachiocake · 04/03/2026 23:34

There are a lot of people who are ill who aren't diagnosed for a long time. All sorts of things. As he's been so loving and supportive before, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt-I've seen too many people treated like hypochondriacs.

Chinsupmeloves · 04/03/2026 23:28

Oh my word, man up is a term I wouldn't generally use for ffs what a weak excuse for a DP and DF!

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/03/2026 23:23

You don’t have to say, but the only thing I would be interested in is whether the therapy is related to his childhood. If it is, there could be something deeper going on.

If not, ribena in the PlayStation.

Poodlelove · 04/03/2026 23:19

I would stop the gaming by removing it , sell it or hide it.

Then when he asks where it is tell him he is a lazy bastard and help.

I bet he expects sex in the only hour that you have .

rockstarshoes · 04/03/2026 23:13

Honestly OP your posts have given me the absolute rage!
How can you even look at him let alone like him!
what an absolute waste of space he is! Get rid of him!

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/03/2026 23:04

He literally leaves you hungry, and probably thirsty, because he doesn’t care and finds other things more interesting. He doesn’t behave like he likes you at all. Please expect better for yourself and your baby.

DeclineandFall · 04/03/2026 22:59

Mine was convinced he had glandular fever. But no diagnosis obvs. Or symptoms other than having to get a full night's sleep. He managed to go to work but wouldn't do any nights as baby was breastfed, had colic and never slept . He was a total prick about it and our relationship never recovered. He is massively avoidant and def has autistic traits but again won't get a diagnosis so all I can believe is that he didn't give a fuck.

OhWhatABeautifulDay · 04/03/2026 22:47

I ended up having a massive shout at DH when I was on the sofa bf DD one Saturday, and he happily announced he was off out to do "some chores". I screamed that looking after his own child should be his number one chore. He changed his attitude.

FunMustard · 04/03/2026 22:43

He sounds like an utter shit. Some harsh words need to be had.

Listen, I'm a gamer, husband is a gamer. But that was massively curtailed when our kids were little, because it has to! Having a baby and malingering are not excuses to opt out of family life.

tiptoptoemaytoe · 04/03/2026 22:34

Mine started off like this and it got to the stage where he’d fully checked out by the time the eldest was 2 (I had the second soon after my first). Currently going through one of the most horrendous divorces. I hope it doesn’t happen to you OP but do be warned- they only get worse.

deismevav · 04/03/2026 22:28

Unbelievable that he doesn’t offer to make you lunch or look after his own child while you have a shower. If he’s fine to game then he’s fine to sit with a baby. You need to have a serious word. He sounds depressed.

Chattycatt · 04/03/2026 22:17

I think most men are disappointing postpartum but to be gaming over caring and helping for you and baby is unbelievable. That is a whole new level of selfish and quite frankly unkind.

Bestfootforward11 · 04/03/2026 22:14

No, not all men are like this AT ALL.
Possible options to consider:
he is deliberately making this all up
his mental health is deteriorating
aches/pains could be due to the gaming (?)
something else
a mixture of one or more of the above

I think your priority has to be you and the baby. So do not cover for him just be honest. If your parents can help you, let them. If it’s possible your DH needs help, everyone has to be honest about what’s going on also.

Easterbunnygettingawrapping · 04/03/2026 22:14

Odd how men never get too depressed to game...

Mum18282 · 04/03/2026 22:13

Have you said any of this to him? It’s not acceptable.

PfizerFan · 04/03/2026 22:12

Why are you lying to friends and family to protect him?

That said... could something else be going on other than him being a useless shit? Men can get postpartum depression too.

OhCobblers · 04/03/2026 22:09

What a selfish wanker. How do you manage to even look at him?

jetlag92 · 04/03/2026 22:08

i suspect no winter vitamin D - has he taken his?

Easterbunnygettingawrapping · 04/03/2026 22:08

Be a shame if that gaming controller got stood on.

ThatMintMember · 04/03/2026 22:06

Have you had this conversation with your husband? Ask him why he's refusing to hold the baby? Sounds like he started really well, i wonder if something changed. Is he worried about hurting the baby or something?

I can relate to some of it. The 4 month sleep regression was horrendous, DH also moved into the spare room while I slept 20 minutes at a time with DS in the other room. He also stays up stupidly late to game but i know this is just him decompressing, it doesn't excuse him from parenting.

Don't just put up with it and resent him. Talk to him about it!

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