To have expected more of DH post partum?

I have only read the first few posts and is it any wonder men getaway with murder when there are so many apologists for them? Depression my foot. He's a lazy twat and would be getting divorce papers if he didn't get a talking to and grow up.

Yes. I would suggest to him the the gaming is effectively giving him RSI which is affecting his body. Also the routine he is in is totally wrong for a healthy adult. Is he still on leave? Are you seeing other people? Going out?

I think you be honest with him. In your shoes for me that would be calmly saying I do hope you get much better soon as you haven’t been much of a dad or a partner so far, and our relationship is hanging by a thread while you ramp up your gaming like we never had a baby and feeding yourself while ignoring me trapped under a baby.

No it doesn’t get better I’m afraid. What happens is your children grow up and realise their father prefers gaming/work/cycling over them and shows no real interest in them, instead doing the bare minimum he can get away with. You turn into an eternal nag who becomes grateful for the smallest act of ‘help’. The burning resentment grows until one day you wake up and realise you actually hate him. Then of course it’s game over.

It sounds like he has some kind of post baby mental health condition. He needs to go to a dr and get properly sorted . Can’t even hold the baby ? Sorry but that’s a joke and I don’t believe it for one minute. This is so unfair on you. He needs to shape up. Bet he’s still able to play video games despite this condition

I would say that if this is all very out of character, then he is most likely struggling with the reality of being a parent, it seems like he was expecting things to get easier after the first few weeks?

Theres no excuse for his behaviour though. Is he signed off from work? You both need to have a serious talk, he needs to sort himself out by being an adult, husband and father. OP, please dont make excuses for him. Be honest, you need to be able to talk to someone as well, otherwise your own wellbeing is going to worsen

I don't think all men are like this but a surprising amount are. My husband was a great partner before we a DD but sadly he just never stepped up as a dad.

I was very poorly after her birth (was diagnosed with sepsis and cancer a week later) but I did all the night wake up even though I could barely get out of bed. Once I was out of hospital it was back on me to do all her care again.

Fast forward a couple of years and he's not improved at all. I now have a stage 4 cancer diagnosis which i recently started a new drug for. I woke up a few days ago throwing up, every time i sat up for more than a few seconds I needed to be sick. Still spent two hours getting DD ready for nursery between madly running to the bathroom. DH was awake but stayed in bed on his phone until he needed to get up and shower for work.

DH is a gamer too but I honestly expected so much better from him. He was a great partner for the 7 years before DD was born and was fully on board with having a baby too. I won't leave because I do rely on him for stuff with me being so poorly. I also don't know how long I have left on this earth and when I die he'll be her main carer so I need them to be together as much as possible. Not an easy task since he works all week and escapes all day Sunday for his hobby so I do all bed, bath and meal times. We only really get Saturdays together as a family and he hardly spends any time alone with her, certainly not regularly, but it's the best I can do unfortunately.

If you can and want to leave though I'd think about it. At least have a serious conversation with him about stepping up because otherwise you're going to end up doing it all like I do. I really hope he improves for you OP but sadly I won't hold my breath.

I disagree with the remarks about no place for gaming in family life and that adults shouldn't be gaming.
Both me and my DP game but its once everything else is sorted, house and kids and its our downtime.
If someone is addicted to gaming though it is extremely detrimental.

There is no excuse for his behaviour unless he has developed PND. But I would be inclined to think this would put him off his hobbies as you have no desire for anything.

How he is treating you and his baby is deplorable and no, not all men are like this.

What was he like in the 10 year relationship is this out of character, or has he always been selfish? Had he always gamed above and beyond jobs, housework and spending time with you.

Do you have family you can lean on? Don't keep your resentment in. Id be inclined to tell him you've had enough as hes doing sweet fk all for you and baby. If you can go and stay with family for help.

If he doesn't sort himself out, your relationship is done. The resentment will kill it

His behaviour is unacceptable to me. No not all men are like this. With dd1 and ds my dh did night wakeup 4 nights a week despite working full time and also whilst on paternity. With dd2 he was able to take a 3 month paternity leave and he did all the night feeds Monday through to Friday whilst I did the weekends. He missed the children whilst at work and gets straight into parenting the minute he walks through the door as do I.

My advice is to be truthful with your nearest and dearest about the pressure on you and his lack of parenting plus the gaming. You have a lot of patience as I would have kicked out both him and his PlayStation/gaming device of choice out by now. You need to have a sit down chat about how his behaviour has let you and your child down and needs to change now for this relationship to go forward. He has treated you terribly and you ought not to minimise it.

As for the baby being a velcro baby. This might well be advice you don't appreciate but you either need to get a sling so you can continue to do other things like eat or get baby used to being put down be it in a crib or bouncer or somewhere safe. You can't sustain what you are doing and are making your own life harder. Yes they will cry having used to being held all the time but you pick them up, cuddles ,kisses put them back down and eat or go to the loo.

You have had to get used to being the default parent and have done what you have needed to survive. There is no judgment here but this isn't sustainable long term and will breed resentment and the death of this relationship. You must value yourself and challenge his behaviour.

I must admit the sudden change seems odd.

I think a lot of people are judging him but it sounds strange that he suddenly went from being really involved to not at all and withdrawing into gaming. With the update that he has had depression in the past I would definitely be exploring this as an explanation.
I also wonder if something happened when he was holding the baby - maybe they wriggled unexpectedly and he felt he was going to drop them, or has someone made a comment about him doing things wrong (told him he wasn't supporting the head enough, told him he should be doing more).
I don't think I would write him off just yet.

How is he spending so much time gaming? Does he not have a job?

You need to stop covering for him and start being honest with family and friends. Ask for help, and be honest in telling people that your husband is refusing to help. Even better if you have a relative who can come and stay for a few days to help- it will show up exactly what he’s doing.

If he is genuinely in pain, the gaming should stop so he can rest. He is taking you for an absolute mug.

Hard agree 🤢

The minute you said gaming I recoiled

This is a time of transition for both of you but the gaming thing is a humungous ick. wtf is it with men who suddenly prioritisie gaming over family life?! ALS double ick him laying up in bed “resting”. Did he push a baby out of his vagina or have one sliced out of his stomach? I’m guessing you didn’t get a whole week in bed just resting up and pleasing yourself post-baby! And even if you did, you were still breastfeeding! Honestly I’m so angry for you OP. I would tell him as soon as you can that this behaviour is damaging your relationship, he can do with that what he will but I would be very clear that whilst you love him you are not his mother and he does not get to be another child in the house.

Unnecessarily bitchy comment.

OP describes a calm 10 year relationship prior to this where they shared the load equally, dont blame her for "bringing his child into the world", she obviously knew him well and thought he'd be a good dad.

OP I dont have the answer but I'd be telling him that he needs to either step up or move out for a bit because as things stand you wouldn't notice the difference if he's not there.

None of his behaviour is normal.

Ring his Mum and tell her about how he can't even hold the baby. Ask if she can come and stay for a bit to help you out in and then she can witness what a lazy prick he is being.

I can't believe you have lied to make him look good and that you haven't thrown out the x box (or what ever console it is). I mean if you hide it in the boot of your car and he's in so much pain he can't hold a baby then he will be unable to go and fetch it back. Tell him you read a study about gaming and inflammation so you think it will help his new disability to have a proper break from gaming.

It isn't normal no, he's being useless. However, no baby needs to be held for 23 hours a day, you would be exhausted if you were even each doing half. Put the baby down, she needs to get used to it. The idea of going hungry because you dare not get up because you have a baby on you is not normal either. You need to look after yourself.

I would say I've read a study that shows WiFi impacts the baby's sleep and as he doesn't support you with the sleep you have binned the router.

It sounds like he may have developed a gaming addiction? Perhaps say that you need to sit down for a serious conversation- then explain that you need more support and ask him if he would stop gaming altogether until the baby is older, as he initially had planned. If he will not agree, explain that the time off he is getting for gaming each day, you will also be getting for your own relaxation and he will be looking after the baby during that time..hopefully that will help him to realise how much time he's spending on it.

Sounds to me like he may have some depression or mental health issues so it's significant that he is seeing a therapist. That also tracks with the body pains and fatigue. My DH was like this when we had our second baby. He was in a high-stress job and once he went on paternity leave it was like he completely fell apart and started obsessing over pains in his jaw and dental issues. It was incredibly frustrating at the time and made me so angry with him but he now realizes looking back that he had burnout and the physical pain he was feeling was a symptom of this. He got better slowly once he began to realize that he had to set limits at work and accept that he couldn't do what his work expected of him. He also realized that the dental pain was in his head and a symptom of the burnout, not a real issue.

I stuck with him at the time because I had no choice as we were living abroad and I had no family around to help me and eventually we worked things out but it was really hard. I would ask your DH to go and see his doctor about a mental health check. Men can get postpartum depression too and it can show up in strange ways. If the therapy isn't helping, maybe he needs to try out some medication like an SSRI?

It sounds as if he has time and energy for his own interests, staying in bed being another one of them.

No way, no way is he playing fair, does he have no conscience, he obviously has no interest in his daughter and that’s very sad.

Id be having a very serious talk to this chap, explaining how he needs to seriously step up and co-parent because atm he’s acting like a singleton. Making food for himself only 😳 - what the heck! He’s got a long way to go, to getting back to being a functioning partner. I really am sorry you are doing all this alone.

It sounds as if, since becoming a dad, he's slowly ground to a halt. So I'm wondering if he is overwhelmed by now being responsible for providing for a family and maybe also experiencing some new-parent depression. I wouldn't jump to all the "what a bastard!" thoughts that others have said. He sounds like he was fab before reality set in. I think you should check in with him and ask him what's going on.

What a fucking useless waste of space.

Sorry OP, you need to nip this in the bud now. When do you plan to start bottle feeding? I would literally just hand the baby to him to feed, wouldn’t even ask him.

Fuck his mysterious “pains” - how convenient.

I’d be thinking very carefully about his attitude.

When you get ill he’ll be gaming and not looking after you or your baby.
When you need him during bad times (like a bereavement) he won’t support you emotionally.
If you get a pet you’ll be doing all the looking after it.