To have expected more of DH post partum?

This pretty much nails it, I think. 10 years in if you’ve had a good and broadly equal relationship, something must be amiss. I (as a bloke) found the first 12 months of our first incredibly hard, and looking back definitely had depression. It’s okay to not be okay, but it’s not okay to check out… some good communication is needed, maybe away from the baby if someone else could take them out for a walk for an hour or two?

How's that then when shes been literally asking him to look after the baby whilst she showers and he refuses?

Should any father be glued to his PlayStation 24 hours a day, because you seemingly don't think that's even worth commenting on? Do consequences come from his choice to that?

Yes OP. You should be ATTENDING TO YOUR HUSBAND'S NEEDS! Leave your baby in a drawer and be a proper wife ffs

Noone is saying that of course. That is just silly. They are saying the balance is all askew. No mother should be glued to a baby 23 hours a day. To do so is a choice and consequences flow from that, for everyone, including the baby.

The baby needs to be put down in her crib, or even in her father's arms so he can be offered a role in parenting.

Totally. I did a lot of baking in the early weeks/months with a baby in a sling on me, so if you want the cookies, make the cookies.

Lose his gaming lead or chop it in half and then act dumb
he's an arseh

Not what I said.
I said she has been refusing to let DH attend to baby's needs.
See the difference?

He took up baking. This was my thing before baby. Obviously I couldn’t bake as no time/baby was being clingy.

There is no "obviously" about it. You could have given him the baby to take out in the pram so that you couldn't hear the crying while you cracked on in the kitchen.
It was your choice to allow the baby to be clingy with you and take up all your time.

Yes OP. You should be ATTENDING TO YOUR HUSBAND'S NEEDS! Leave your baby in a drawer and be a proper wife ffs.

This is so sad OP and definitely not all men, you deserve better. We have 2 under 2, youngest is 4 months now and my husband would just never behave like this, our marriage wouldn’t have survived if he had to be brutally honest. When he is not at work he is just as involved as I am, looks after me so that although I am doing the feeding (breastfed) he does pretty much everything else, makes and brings food to me when I am stuck feeding, makes little packed lunches for me & our toddler for the days he is at work so that if we are frazzled lunch is easy to grab, fills my water, I do the nights as he doesn’t have the ability to breastfeed but when he was sleeping badly husband would get up with him at 5am so I could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep, it makes me really quite sad to think other women don’t have that support from the person who helped them actually make that baby. My husband is a great man don’t get me wrong, but these things he does shouldn’t make him a Saint they should be just a normal and expected part of being a patent and partner.

He does not need pandering to - that is not what I said at all!

But that baby needs to be settled down in her crib so that the OP can connect with home life again. It is good for no-one for this current situation to continue. The OH is confronted with a very abnormal situation and is reacting to that.

Of course he needs to pull his weight. My OH used to get up in the night, bring baby to me to breast feed, then he changed her nappy and resettled her in the crib - so I did not need to get up at all. But I was not glued to the baby 23 hours a day!

This.

Being "nap trapped on the sofa" is really not a thing.
If you are hungry, put the baby down somewhere and go and eat.

Your DH is absolutely pissed off at you for letting the baby dictate your every waking move, so much so that you can't feed yourself and you expect him to look after you while you let a four month old baby pin you to the sofa!

Having the baby with you 23 hours a day is just not fair. He feels abandoned, left out, and you have been stealing his time and relationship with his own baby, making it all about you and refusing to relinquish your position as primary parent. He has now gone on strike.

Step one - learn to block your ears to the baby crying. Of course the baby is going to cry, it is what they do. As long as they are fed, warm, safe, etc. it is fine to put them down and leave them to cry for a short while.

You need to get a babysitter and go out for an evening with DH to have a real heart-to-heart over the state of your relationship, because there is fault on both sides here.

I know this post sounds harsh, but this is not a situation where DH is to be blamed for everything, especially after 10 years together and such a great start as parents.

Tell the relatives you are very concerned about his ailments (!)

Stop protecting this utter loser. You have a classic manchild there.

No, she doesn't need help from him as it is not solely her job. No one ever says the mum is helping the dad when she does stuff ffs.

Oh gosh. I have a six month old and completely get the stage of life you’re in. I think you need to have a very clear conversation with him.

You need help from him. You are both parents, and he needs to support you and do his fair share. If he can game, he can sit and give a bottle/change a nappy/read a book to baby/shake a rattle. You need to be able to shower, eat breakfast, have a hot cup of tea, have 30 minutes on your own if he is in the house with you.

what about forcing him into it- Can you lay baby next to him and say you’re popping out to the shop for half an hour? or going to an ‘appointment’? I used to book nail appointments during bed time so that my husband had to do it on his own! Now he is confident doing it without me.

Set your expectations to him and go from there. Sending you love & support!!! Xx

Fuck me! So she's already providing all the childcare, whilst Mr Poor Me doesn't even bother getting out of bed, and you have the nerve to tell her SHES the one that needs to make more effort to connect with him? God we really do live in a world of dick panderers. He's a grown adult man, not a displaced toddler.

@SnowyVillage I’m so sorry to hear about your situation

OP, in my experience it isn’t unusual for men to treat paternity leave as extended me-time, nor is it unusual for them to really struggle to adapt to family life, especially if they’re bringing their own baggage with it or have not had a conventional family focused upbringing.

DH was very conscientious about bringing food/drinks, holding baby when I needed him to, doing all the chores so I could focus on establishing breastfeeding, etc. But once the first month or so was out of the way, he definitely stepped back. He took up baking. This was my thing before baby. Obviously I couldn’t bake as no time/baby was being clingy. But he took up baking cookies. I could have bloody killed him. My friend’s husband took up a punishing gym regime, requiring long recovery naps, interspersed with home brewing.

In your position, I think I’d be having a come-to-Jesus talk and being very clear that either there is something seriously wrong with him, in which case you’ll go back to the GP with him and explore options, or he needs to try something else to help himself. If he catches hold the baby, he should rest his wrists and stay away from a console.

Would he trial no gaming for two weeks, three sensible meals at normal times, and a gentle stroll outside in the fresh air with the buggy? If he says he can’t get out of bed beyond using the bathroom, then I would suggest the GP with you accompanying.

I would also not hide what’s going on from family. If he has a genuine physical or mental health problem, you will both need the support. If he’s being a dick, embarrassment may help him to feel a little better….

Feel free not to answer but does he discuss his therapy sessions with you and has he alluded to discussing this with a therapist? I would definitely try to nail down what he thinks is wrong and what he thinks next steps should be. I’m curious as to what his plan is around going back to work. Staying in bed for a week will leave him feeling wobbly and shaky, I would have thought.

Stenosis?

I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day.

This is just not reasonable. I am not surprised your OH is getting a bit fed up and trying to detach himself from this scenario a bit. It is not sustainable and will not help in the long term for any of you, including the baby.

You must start gently settling your baby on her own so that you are available to connect with your OH and with the life of the household.

I am not in the least saying that your OH should not be a support and pull his weight - mine always did - but if you are glued to that baby for 99% of the day and night and totally disengaged from any other life then your OH is understandably pissed off.

A balance needs to be struck and your baby is of an age when you need to start making this happen. Babies are born into families and need to get used to being a part of that and not the entire focus of everything. For the first couple of weeks then yes, but now is the time to move on a bit. Put that baby down!!!

It’s unforgivable behaviour. I wouldn’t be able to forgive this

It sounds like attention-seeking behaviour; all the aches and pains, me me me. He could be jealous of the baby

Sounds very very difficult, OP. I know what it’s like to have no support from a partner.

i peesume you have tried asking him to do less gaming and spend time with you.

Regarding hjs pains - just because a doctor can’t find anything, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist, it means they have not done the right investigations or there is no way to see or objectively measure his problem. (speaking as someone with ME/CFS where there are no objective tests or measurements to prove I have it, even though it is physical not a psychological illness)

It's entirely possible that he has the silent spine inflammatory condition whose name escapes me for the moment and cannot be seen on x rays until it is really advanced. It's very, very debilitating.

He needs to see a rheumatologist, and you'll probably have to pay £250 to see one privately if you want that any time soon.

In the meantime he could ask his GP for an amitrypteline trial as that is often the first line of attack.

You've got yourself a big grown up man baby. Lazy and sulking because your attention is on the real baby.

Why have you been covering for him? If people ask why he is asleep, tell them it's because he is having a lie in. No not all men are like that at all. If you are breastfeeding it's not uncommon for just the woman to wake up (unless they are crying too much), but then he has to wake up with her at around 5 or whatever, so you can get your sleep then. It's up to him to manage his own schedule of sleep so he isn't too tired.

I'd be calling time on things personally. Unforgivable behaviour.