To have expected more of DH post partum?

embroideredpanda · 2026-03-04T20:00:21+00:00

First baby is 4 months old. DH and I have been together 10 years. Very calm relationship. Prior to baby, I would say quite an even division of labour in the household, though I was carrying the “mental load”. All through pregnancy, DH seemed really excited. The first few weeks of baby’s life, he tried really hard. He was doing lots of skin-to-skin and basically running the household single handedly while I nursed and held baby. He had a longer pat leave than standard. Even so, things started to creep. I would be nap trapped on the sofa and he would eat lunch and go play video games. I would be starving! He wouldn’t offer food or even come see me so I could ask. I couldn’t exactly call to him as it would wake the baby. Or, baby would be screaming at night and he just wouldn’t get out of bed. I found these times quite emotionally challenging to be faced with such a distressed baby. The first four weeks he would help in the night, but then that stopped abruptly. He moved to the spare room and just left me to it. He started staying up late to game and ended up on a schedule of sleeping midnight-9/10am. Meanwhile DD and I were going to bed at 9pm and waking at midnight, 2am, 4am and up for the day before 6am most days. My friends or family would come visit and I would lie that he had helped in the night to explain why he was still in bed. Around baby’s 2 month mark, he started having pains (his hip, his knees, his back, his neck). It has got to the point he had has blood tests, x-rays, physio and no medical professional can find anything wrong with him. Due to all these pains he claims he can’t even hold DD now. She is what you might call a “Velcro” baby. I hold or co-sleep with her about 23 hours a day. I’ve tried asking if he can lie next to her on the bed while I shower or something but he says he wouldn’t be able to catch her if she rolled. He has spent this week in bed, gaming and performatively saying how much he’s looking forward to spending time with DD when he’s better. Anyway, I guess AIBU to not have expected this or are all men like this in the end?

patooties · 07/03/2026 17:04

I would send the giant baby back to his parents (or head off to mine where I might get some support)

playing fucking games - what a joke of a grown up.

OneShyQuail · 07/03/2026 17:00

Moonnstarz · 06/03/2026 16:01

Why aren't you talking to him to find out why he is not wanting to help? It sounds like he is scared of holding them. The fact you are now mentioning he almost threw them back suggests he is panicked over what to do and needs guidance. Not everyone knows how to cope with a baby and maybe he is retreating as he doesn't know what to do.

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I am pretty sure shes tried this.

Why do some people think men need it SPELLING out to them in order for them to help?!

His wife needs help and support with THEIR baby, its in front of his face. Why does he need a chat, what next a list?!

Mykneesareshot · 07/03/2026 10:10

Now he's discovered how hard it is and the novelty has worn off he's checked out. Absolutely do not get pregnant with this man again, in fact I'd withdraw that possibility completely if you haven't already.

LilySLE · 06/03/2026 23:15

IcyRubyHiker · 04/03/2026 20:23

Does he have depression? I’m sorry to ask but was your birth experience traumatic in any way? Maybe I’m massively giving the benefit of the doubt here but perhaps he is struggling with the adjustment / depression and it’s just a bit delayed onset? Or if the birth was difficult maybe he’s processing now?

Wishing you all the best xx

I had exactly the same thought. Only the OP will know if this is a more likely possibility than him being a lazy so and so! Especially after having been so helpful in the beginning. Some sort of mental health issue could be behind the physical pain as well.

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 06/03/2026 23:09

Sounds to me, that a real baby has displaced him from his man baby position in the family. He still wants all of the attention.

Needs to grow up big time.

wrongthinker · 06/03/2026 19:28

Moonnstarz · 06/03/2026 16:01

Why aren't you talking to him to find out why he is not wanting to help? It sounds like he is scared of holding them. The fact you are now mentioning he almost threw them back suggests he is panicked over what to do and needs guidance. Not everyone knows how to cope with a baby and maybe he is retreating as he doesn't know what to do.

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Or maybe he's a lazy tosser who gets angry and aggressive when he's expected to be a parent for five minutes. Raise your standards.

OP, you need to get your ducks in a row. This man is not going to step up.

Moonnstarz · 06/03/2026 16:01

embroideredpanda · 06/03/2026 14:14

The incidents of being “nap-trapped” that I was mentioning were in the first few weeks, at the same time as the crazy breastfeeding hunger. I’ve sorted myself out since, but even before the baby I would have been kind of perturbed if DH made a meal for himself alone without asking if I wanted anything.

Also, to clarify, I’m holding the baby so much because DH won’t! I would LOVE to pass her over. I am the biggest encourager of their relationship! I’m being met with resistance. And I can’t stand to hear her cry if something as simple as being held would soothe her, I’m going to pick her up.

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Why aren't you talking to him to find out why he is not wanting to help? It sounds like he is scared of holding them. The fact you are now mentioning he almost threw them back suggests he is panicked over what to do and needs guidance. Not everyone knows how to cope with a baby and maybe he is retreating as he doesn't know what to do.

Original poster

embroideredpanda · 06/03/2026 14:14

StandingDeskDisco · 05/03/2026 12:41

Being “nap trapped” is a thing. It’s allowing a baby to have a nap in a situation that allows the baby to feel safe and secure, and the baby’s brain development will be happening whilst they’re sleeping peacefully and securely.

Modern expectations of parents are off-the-scale unreasonable. Like really crazy-impossible level of unreasonable.
This baby is four months, not four weeks.

Babysitters don’t need booking as well whilst both parents are off with the baby.
Er - they need a baby sitter to have time together away from the baby.

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The incidents of being “nap-trapped” that I was mentioning were in the first few weeks, at the same time as the crazy breastfeeding hunger. I’ve sorted myself out since, but even before the baby I would have been kind of perturbed if DH made a meal for himself alone without asking if I wanted anything.

Also, to clarify, I’m holding the baby so much because DH won’t! I would LOVE to pass her over. I am the biggest encourager of their relationship! I’m being met with resistance. And I can’t stand to hear her cry if something as simple as being held would soothe her, I’m going to pick her up.

OP posts:

Original poster

embroideredpanda · 06/03/2026 14:04

Solost92 · 05/03/2026 10:08

I think all this "maybe he has depression " "maybe he has autism " maybe this maybe that. Many of us had PPD , did we refuse to hold our children? Plenty of us have autism, did we ignore our baby and game all night? Many of us had Csections that didn't heal, sepsis, 4th degree tears, major illnesses and injuries . Did we just stop doing anything for our families ? No. Did we fuck. So why do we let blokes get away with it while making up excuses FOR them.

He's a dosser. A shit husband and a shit dad. Tell him it's unacceptable and he needs to pull his socks up and stop being a pathetic dosser. Stop lying for him to make him look good. Because he'll be lying to make you look bad, I guarantee you.

I remember my family coming to see me and asking why my EX was in bed. I used to lie for him, call him a great dad, he's just depressed and struggling. No. He's an abusive dosser. He wanted the glory of people thinking he was a great dad. But when it came to actually doing the work he realised two things 1. Its fucking hard. 2. It's fucking thankless. There's no wooing crowds at 3am while you're walking a baby up and down the living room so your partner can sleep. So what's the point. Especially when all you have to do is let your wife lie about what a great dad you are or pretend to be ill and eveeyone woos over you anyway.

My ex became incapacitated by an umbilical hernia he'd had for over 10 years because he had a big round fat belly , he'd been to the doctors years ago and they'd said it's fine. If you lost weight it would go away. It had never given him an ounce of pain. Until I came home from the hospital after having a botched c section. I couldn't stand upright for months, I cried when I went to the toilet, bent down to pick something up, coughed or sneezed. I couldn't wear Normal underwear or any clothing that touched my scar at all for nearly 2 years. I had scans and stuff on it and they said it was becuase the nerve damage, alot of peoples nerves go dull, that's why they can't feel anything around the scar. Mine did the opposite, they got stuck in the "were being cut" phase so that's what I felt, all day every day until they finally healed. But I still carried my baby, still changed the nappies, still washed the bottles. Because he couldn't, his belly hurt too much. Couldn't pass me things off the floor, his belly hurt too much.

You thought he'd be a good dad. He thought he'd be a good dad. When push came to shove he didn't have it in him.

This really resonates. I had a fairly straight forward birth with an episiotomy. I was given instructions for keeping the stitch clean when using the bathroom so it took longer than normal.

The first time I used the bathroom at home it took a few minutes to follow the procedure (and also sitting was sore) and he had the baby who had started crying a lot. When I came out he handed her to me with such force I would say it was like throwing her at me. He was clearly stressed by the crying but it came out as anger. I’m still really annoyed about this incident.

OP posts:

Dellmouse · 05/03/2026 21:14

My partner LOVED video games before becoming a dad. I never had to ask him to stop, he just knew. If one of us was nap trapped the other was doing chores or we would sit down together and watch a film/ series.

Malinia · 05/03/2026 20:24

You need to have a come to Jesus talk with him.

Tell him:

It's unacceptable
He's not acting like a father or a husband/partner
He needs to get help if he thinks he is depressed
He needs to stop gaming
He has two weeks to show effort or he needs to move out

And mean it. My DH went through a short phase of being utterly shit though but not as bad as this and I told him "I would find life easier without you because all you are doing is making issues for me and not helping". I was prepared to chuck him out if he didn't improve, and he knew it.

wrongthinker · 05/03/2026 20:08

What has he actually said when you've spoken to him about it, OP? Does he understand that he isn't doing any parenting, and does he realise this is a problem?

It's not okay to essentially abandon you and the baby so he can play video games. Maybe he's depressed, sure, but that's still not an excuse (and playing video games isn't going to make him feel better.) I think you're crazy to tolerate this because you "actually really like him." I actually really like the neighbour's dog, but I'm not going to let it come in and shit on my carpet.

changedusernameforthis1 · 05/03/2026 16:22

No, not all men are like this.

DW is due our 4th very soon and I have chronic undiagnosed pain. I'm also an avid gamer.
Sometimes my pain flares up in my hands to the point that I just can't game - but nothing would stop me holding our daughter and caring for her.
Hand and wrist braces help. There are plenty of creams that can help. Pain relief exists.

I can't understand how he can game for hours on end but can't stop a baby from rolling off a bed.

I'm sorry he's an unhelpful twat man.

Fashionlover123 · 05/03/2026 16:02

Honestly the replies to this thread…!!!
Suggesting she doesn’t co-sleep, shouldn’t ever be nap trapped, and is unreasonable to hold a baby for 23 hours a day is INSANE!
When you are DESPERATE for your baby to sleep, you will do anything, even if you’re starving/need a wee/thirsty, you will suffer the nap trap, you’ll co sleep all night, you’ll do anything! Stop putting it on her!!!

Fashionlover123 · 05/03/2026 15:52

TheHillIsMine · 05/03/2026 09:28

No, she doesn't need help from him as it is not solely her job. No one ever says the mum is helping the dad when she does stuff ffs.

In this situation she does need help…he isn’t doing anything?

Imdunfer · 05/03/2026 13:53

SweetnsourNZ · 05/03/2026 09:15

Stenosis?

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It's an inflammatory condition in the autoimmune diseases, like ankylosing spondylitis but even harder to spot and very difficult to get anyone to take it seriously.

Found it, nr-axSpA:

https://www.arthritis.org/diseases/ankylosing-spondylitis

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/03/2026 12:47

StandingDeskDisco · 05/03/2026 12:41

Being “nap trapped” is a thing. It’s allowing a baby to have a nap in a situation that allows the baby to feel safe and secure, and the baby’s brain development will be happening whilst they’re sleeping peacefully and securely.

Modern expectations of parents are off-the-scale unreasonable. Like really crazy-impossible level of unreasonable.
This baby is four months, not four weeks.

Babysitters don’t need booking as well whilst both parents are off with the baby.
Er - they need a baby sitter to have time together away from the baby.

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I don’t think this event happened that recently - the nap trapped event. Obviously we don’t know exactly when but it seemed to be when the husband was off work on leave.

Modern expectations going hand in hand with modern accommodations- I’m saying whilst he was on paternity leave / otherwise off work, there’s no need to put the baby down to cry, as there’s two people there. The reason extended paternity leave is a thing is that it’s been discovered that babies do benefit from this sort of comfort, and that forcing a baby into a routine from day one (not saying you advocate for this but it’s the other extreme) can be detrimental to mother and baby.

Obviously when the husband is back at work, and when the baby is a bit older, things change. Obviously you can put a four month old down for a bit. Obviously you can do it at four weeks (or any age), but it’s been shown to be less ideal in the “fourth trimester”, and if there’s no need, don’t do it.

I was responding to a specific part of the pp’s post (very clearly so) with those words because that was a bit that jumped out at me - “there’s no such thing as nap trapped” - I was explaining why there is.

StandingDeskDisco · 05/03/2026 12:41

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/03/2026 12:14

This is one of the worst bits of advice I’ve read on here, and goes much further than the post it quotes.

Honestly shocking.

Being “nap trapped” is a thing. It’s allowing a baby to have a nap in a situation that allows the baby to feel safe and secure, and the baby’s brain development will be happening whilst they’re sleeping peacefully and securely.

The OP’s husband was off work so there’s no reason to have to put the baby down and possibly wake them. He is there and not at work in order to help care for OP and the baby, and yes that includes bringing her food and drink. That’s literally why he’s there.

If the OP was alone, then yes she might have to put the baby down to go and get some food and r drink, or shower or whatever. But that can come later. The point of having two people off with the baby is so they can care for each other and the baby, not go off gaming whilst the baby is left to cry because the OP needs to meet her basic needs.

Babysitters don’t need booking as well whilst both parents are off with the baby.

Edited

Show quote history

Being “nap trapped” is a thing. It’s allowing a baby to have a nap in a situation that allows the baby to feel safe and secure, and the baby’s brain development will be happening whilst they’re sleeping peacefully and securely.

Modern expectations of parents are off-the-scale unreasonable. Like really crazy-impossible level of unreasonable.
This baby is four months, not four weeks.

Babysitters don’t need booking as well whilst both parents are off with the baby.
Er - they need a baby sitter to have time together away from the baby.

MyMilchick · 05/03/2026 12:30

YANBU to expect more and no all men are not like that

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 05/03/2026 12:29

So no medical professional has found anything wrong with him? What does that suggest? He's lying to you and being in pain doesn't stop you being a parent.
I have suffered chronic back pain since I was a teenager to the point I can barely walk sometimes but I still managed to care for my children when they were babies and still do now. If he can game for hours on end then he can look after your baby. If you're really worried leave her in moses basket or chair while you shower so there's no worry of her rolling or put a pillow behind her. Change the WiFi password and see if he can manage to sort that out if he can you know he's perfectly capable of parenting.
I also don't understand posters saying he's depressed. Basically so what? I had horrendous PND with DD1 I didn't just fuck off and play games for hours. I still cared for my baby.
You know this isn't right or you wouldn't be lying to your family and friends. Be honest with them. Be honest with him either he helps or he leaves. Does he truly bring anything good to your life?

WildLeader · 05/03/2026 12:27

Riot act. NOW! @embroideredpanda go all in on this and tell him that he is an equal parent and you expect him to put in a shift.

you need food at the very least, he needs to help or at least agree to coordinate and share waking overnights.

stop covering for him too. Shame the useless MF now and tell everyone just how hard he’s making this for you.

Bristolandlazy · 05/03/2026 12:27

Yes my ex was like this, having a child together highlighted what a useless overgrown toddler he was. He had excuses for everything and yet was full of opinions. Spent too much time running around after him. Although the one thing he would do was co sleep with the baby, any excuse to sleep. He sounds like a selfish Muppet to me.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/03/2026 12:14

StandingDeskDisco · 05/03/2026 09:29

This.

Being "nap trapped on the sofa" is really not a thing.
If you are hungry, put the baby down somewhere and go and eat.

Your DH is absolutely pissed off at you for letting the baby dictate your every waking move, so much so that you can't feed yourself and you expect him to look after you while you let a four month old baby pin you to the sofa!

Having the baby with you 23 hours a day is just not fair. He feels abandoned, left out, and you have been stealing his time and relationship with his own baby, making it all about you and refusing to relinquish your position as primary parent. He has now gone on strike.

Step one - learn to block your ears to the baby crying. Of course the baby is going to cry, it is what they do. As long as they are fed, warm, safe, etc. it is fine to put them down and leave them to cry for a short while.

You need to get a babysitter and go out for an evening with DH to have a real heart-to-heart over the state of your relationship, because there is fault on both sides here.

I know this post sounds harsh, but this is not a situation where DH is to be blamed for everything, especially after 10 years together and such a great start as parents.

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This is one of the worst bits of advice I’ve read on here, and goes much further than the post it quotes.

Honestly shocking.

Being “nap trapped” is a thing. It’s allowing a baby to have a nap in a situation that allows the baby to feel safe and secure, and the baby’s brain development will be happening whilst they’re sleeping peacefully and securely.

The OP’s husband was off work so there’s no reason to have to put the baby down and possibly wake them. He is there and not at work in order to help care for OP and the baby, and yes that includes bringing her food and drink. That’s literally why he’s there.

If the OP was alone, then yes she might have to put the baby down to go and get some food and r drink, or shower or whatever. But that can come later. The point of having two people off with the baby is so they can care for each other and the baby, not go off gaming whilst the baby is left to cry because the OP needs to meet her basic needs.

Babysitters don’t need booking as well whilst both parents are off with the baby.

JHound · 05/03/2026 12:12

10 years is a good long while for him to put on an act but now he has finally decided to show you the real him.

Sorry but he’s lazy. And you should not be lying for him.

Comtesse · 05/03/2026 12:07

StandingDeskDisco · 05/03/2026 09:29

This.

Being "nap trapped on the sofa" is really not a thing.
If you are hungry, put the baby down somewhere and go and eat.

Your DH is absolutely pissed off at you for letting the baby dictate your every waking move, so much so that you can't feed yourself and you expect him to look after you while you let a four month old baby pin you to the sofa!

Having the baby with you 23 hours a day is just not fair. He feels abandoned, left out, and you have been stealing his time and relationship with his own baby, making it all about you and refusing to relinquish your position as primary parent. He has now gone on strike.

Step one - learn to block your ears to the baby crying. Of course the baby is going to cry, it is what they do. As long as they are fed, warm, safe, etc. it is fine to put them down and leave them to cry for a short while.

You need to get a babysitter and go out for an evening with DH to have a real heart-to-heart over the state of your relationship, because there is fault on both sides here.

I know this post sounds harsh, but this is not a situation where DH is to be blamed for everything, especially after 10 years together and such a great start as parents.

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Umm are you quite all right? Don’t have the baby 23 hours a day cos poor DH is sad? He won’t even hold the baby. You’re dead wrong on this.