Daughter’s head of year and tit for tat

Yes this is good advice.

I thought similar in passing. I guess the safeguarding concern is that she could have left the school grounds and nobody noticed, (though how easy that is to do these days) but also, a child with MH struggles being upset locked in the loos without supervision could easily be self-harming.

Can those parents that are always complaining about schools locking bathrooms understand the issue now!?

If a school locks a bathroom during lesson time, they are a draconian, Victorian institution that doesn’t prioritise the health and wellbeing of students.

If a school leaves bathrooms unlocked and accessible during lesson time, then students like OP’s daughter can disappear into them, then bring her mum up to the school to accuse them of breaching the safeguarding policy.

Schools can’t win anymore. I despair as a teacher, I honestly do.

Guaranteed that there will be a long and chequered history of very poor behaviour from the OP’s daughter and her mother at the school.

How would hoy possibly know she has tiktok if she isn't doing shit like this. Tiktok is the most toxic app to exist. Spend some time on nd/mh tiktok and you will see its so competitive whos the most unwell who gets the most attention. I bet 99% of these girls with these accounts the parents are oblivious

I can well believe it was said in a snide way.

I'd plaster on a serious concerned look and email HOY to say that you'd been reflecting on her comment about her safeguarding concern about your daughter's tiktok account. Ask HOY to point out the account and what their concerns are, because you take safeguarding concerns very seriously, as they know. Copy in the head and her class teacher. Not because you're calling HOY out and making them back up their comments, of course, but because everybody should have transparency when it comes to your daughter's safeguarding. And if HOY had seen something that was genuinely concerning they need to share it with you, her parent and the person who supervises her internet access.

As an aside, I wonder if the HOY will say that having the account is a safeguarding concern in general because people might message her on it. Be interesting to know if the school has a policy on children having social media accounts.

I highly doubt what you are saying is true here. Nothing op has posted suggests this tall tale happened and im sure if anyone had to bang on doors begging the DD to come out while she recorded it the HoY would have said she saw the TikTok, no?

I can’t see why a child that age still on school grounds, but not in class is a safeguarding issue tbh. Especially if she was crying they might have just thought she needed some time to sort herself out before she went back to class.

I think you have bigger things to worry about than HOY comment. I don’t think 15 year olds should be public posting on TikTok, if you are sure there is no concern, then great.

Spending that long between classes at age 15 is her responsibility. If she was having a “panic attack” or feeling anxious about returning to class she should have let someone know.

If what im saying ends up being true you need to get on top of it because as soon as she leaves school and can no longer get this kind of attention from teachers she will try to get it from emergency services and do what the others do call an ambulance or police on themselves then set a camera up and post it

OP, I think you are getting a hard time with this, especially regarding the HOY. None of us here can possibly know whether she meant to be smarmy or not. I’m very respectful of teachers in general - DM used to be a teacher and I have a couple of close friends who have been teachers for decades.

Most of my interactions with my DCs’ teachers have been very positive but not all. DC2 had a terrible HOY in Y8 - luckily she left. I recently told my close friend who works in the same school about some of the things this other teacher said (or did) and she was horrified. She said I should have complained.

She definitely has a 2nd account she doesn't want you to see loads of teen girls have nd/mh accounts where they record videos of teachers chasing them or police chasing them about its a thing. They lock themselves in the toilets while they record the teachers begging them to come out usually with a big grin on their face

I would bet a lot that you are quite used to having “issues” with people @ThisNewCyanBiscuit ?

NC with at least one person by a chance?

You daughter has been there… 3 years. And the school has supposedly never been supportive and your daughter is unhappy and struggling…. Why have you not changed schools?

As an aside, I think you are seeing shadows where there are none if you think the head of year was trying to get one over on you

Teacher here...

If she said your DD has an unlocked account then there will be something behind this. No one has time to go looking for kids TikTok accounts for no reason at all.

So either your DD does have a second account you don't know about that is unlocked (lots of teenagers do and their parents follow their sensible account) or perhaps someone has impersonated her setting up an account and that account has been flagged to the school as having something inappropriate on it, hence thr warning to you.

I would email the head of year and ask for the link to the account you found as you'd like to verify if your daughter has a second account that you're not aware of.

I would absolutely assume from this conversation that your daughter has another account - or is at the very least posting openly on one run by someone else. If it is genuinely as anonymous as you say then the HOY wouldn't know. MySIL is a HOY - she spends a LOT of her time dealing with issues on social media accounts that parents swear blind their kid doesnt have.

Email the HOY, say you've been reflecting on the comment and as you are so sure her account is private, please could she share with you the information that has made her concerned as you are now very concerned as to what you're missing.

Teachers are not the enemy. It is you, your daughter and them against the problem, not you against them. Treat them like the professionals they are and you might get some valuable information that safeguards your daughter.

(BTW, your child truanting when sent back to class isnt a safeguarding issue... she was still on site, she made a conscious choice not to go where she was sent. Don't be that parent that cannot see your child's part in the problem....).

And yet the HOY knows?

possible explanations:

She has a different account. You think it’s unlikely, but it’s definitely a possibility. Since she already has the app, all she needs is different credentials to sign in.

If her friends know about it, have her as a friend, odds are staff know about it.

Your daughter actually mentioned it to her. Maybe she saw something that upset her/is playing on her anxiety/related to her condition and opened up about it.

If the meeting was productive and positive steps are to be taken to actually help and support her in school, I’d pick my battles and see how it all develops.

If you really want clarification however, you could send an email like “Hello , following our conversation about DD’s TikTok and possible safeguarding issues I just wanted to clarify if you have knowledge of anything going on. As far as I’m aware DD only has one account , which is anonymous and has no pictures or posts. If there is something going on, please let me know so I can deal with it.”.

Depending on her reply you can decide if it’s something that’s worth pursuing or not.

They will claim its stress caused by outside influence for example being allowed on tiktok when they are not emotionally resilient enough to cope with it

Have you looked up her name on tiktok?

My sons teacher thought he was on discord it was my discord I let him use it once for an activity his so called mates ran to the teacher so fast there were scorch marks

The account is not set to private and that is a safeguarding concern. HOY is pointing that out.
The op is adamant that her DD’s account is not an issue and that she, as a parent, monitors her DD’s use of social media and is not concerned in any way about this tik tok account. So just ignore the comment-no need to write to anyone or copy in the head. Move and address the rather more concerning issue of DD’s panic attack and sobbing in school.

It is a safeguarding issue and they were correct to let you know

she is vulnerable

shame it was done in a shitty way

I think there's probably a fair bit of missing context here for me as a stranger to know what's going on, what's been misunderstood, and all sorts.

The safeguarding concern of the daughter in the bathroom - the HOY thought she'd gone back to class, the class teacher thought she was with the HOY, the daughter went to the toilets rather than straight back to class. I can read that she was crying and had a panic attack. That she was crying when she left the office? Like full on weeping or fizzy nose crying? Is this the same story you have from your daughter and from the school?

The tiktok thing - none of us know, you need to ask the HOY exactly what she means by a safeguarding concern with the tiktok account because there's a whole lot of guessing going on. If the account you know of is what she's referring to, why is there a concern, is it the content or is it that it exists? If they want you to be in a position to do anything about it, it's really unclear what they expect.

Why was she crying in class before getting sent to the HOY? What was the discussion with the HOY? Was it a frustrated cry? Overwhelmed? Upset by something? I don't need to know these answers but it's all context around the why and what of the situation and what should be expected of the teaching and pastoral staff.

Does she have an IDP? Or whatever the equivalent in England is? What is the support they've said they will have in place and is that being given? It's sounds like that's a no and that's where the area of concern is, not the potentially snarky attitude of the HOY. That's a separate issue.

Is the school in general shit with supporting neurodivergent pupils or young people with mental health issues? Some are so much better than others. What's the nuture offer? Do they have an educational psychologist? Councilling?

There are just so many questions.

Also schools just cant do right for wrong.

Schools who want to avoid these situations and lock the loos or take the main doors off are taken to the papers with sad face pictures.

Schools that make toilets available during lesson time are then accused of poor safeguarding if pupils choose to go into them instead of going where they are meant to be.

Op, did you think that your dc should be accompanied at all times at school? Do you know what had been said and agreed? Could it have been that the hoy calmed your dd down, she seemed a bit calmer and agreed to go back to class, then got worse on way back for eg? Schools are not staffed or resourced to provide pupils with 1:1 care all the time and the teacher in the classroom needed to also manage the other 29 pupils sat waiting for their lesson while she dealt with your daughter. You are rightly and understandably thinking of your dd and her needs only but the staff are keeping thousands of kids safe at the same time.

A few of possibilities to consider if your DD doesn't have a second personal account...

A teacher or a regular supply teacher has a tiktok account (related to them as a teacher or totally independent of their profession, maybe focused on their hobby) and your DD has posted an inappropriate comment on one of their videos

Another child has a tiktok account which is known to the school (perhaps that child posts inappropriate content, perhaps they post content about the school/teachers) and your DD posted an inappropriate comment on one of their videos

A group of kids, including your DD, run a 'school' tiktok account from one of their phones. They post inappropriate content about the school, themselves, other pupils and staff. Think of it like a modern version of the the Burn Book in Mean Girls.

They are able to figure out it's your daughter by both her first name on her account and seeing her account post on her friends' accounts which are more immediately identifying of them as students. And also any relevant content in those posts.