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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is this rude or not ?

31 replies

IsabellaCoral · 04/03/2026 15:30

Situation - out for dinner and drinks with my parents.

The subject of DH’s family comes up, talking about a family wedding.

My mum says to DH that she thinks his niece’s new DH is ‘ugly’ and ‘rude’. She wonders why the niece chose this guy, and thinks it was a bad choice.

She says he is rude as when she met him once at an unrelated event, he didn’t come and say hello to her. Also mum’s friend who was at the same event, also thinks the new niece DH is ugly and rude.

When we say no, he’s actually really nice and not ugly, she repeats it.

Rude to say this to DH or just an opinion as it is ‘just a niece’ and not a close family relative.

YABU - just an opinion and OK to say to DH
Yanbu- it is rude and keep it to yourself

OP posts:
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Original poster
IsabellaCoral · 08/03/2026 12:06

I know ! All of this.

yes she has form for nasty comments but she thinks she is really nice, and if anyone challenges her then she just denies what she said.

she had said it to me before, and I had defended the niece DH as he’s a nice bloke.

why she felt the need to say it to my DH is what I don’t get.

people do say that the first sign of dementia is starting to say and act badly, as inhibitions are reduced. Maybe it that.

I am cheered tho as usually when I post about her I get a chorus of mumsnetters going ‘ooo you should be nice to your mum’ and ‘you’ll miss her when she’s gone’.

OP posts:
Trotula · 08/03/2026 12:00

Well you can adjust your behaviour but it’s pretty hard to change your looks, poor guy. It says a lot about your mum that she’s basing her opinion on his looks, presumably your mum is very attractive? (and shallow!). Is he rude? Your mum and her friend certainly are!
As for him not going over to say hello why didn’t she go to him? Is she a queen?

BiscoffCheesecakes · 08/03/2026 11:52

At my FIL's funeral my dad also came (an hour's drive away) as he knew him a bit & was very fond of him. However my OH's sister's OH didn't say one word to him. As family, I would have expected him to at least say hello & thank you for coming. My dad & I thought that was very rude but my dad only said it to me. In similar circumstances your mum probably have a point but there's a time & place for saying it. And saying he is ugly is just downright nasty. Does she have form for such bitchiness?

WhatNoRaisins · 08/03/2026 11:43

I've always taught my kids not to make nasty comments that no one's asked for and that people don't like it. It's tricky when someone gets to adulthood having never been taught how to behave properly.

Original poster
IsabellaCoral · 08/03/2026 11:00

Oh and apparently according to Dmum ‘a niece isn’t close family’……

BUT family is very very important so I should put up with her comments and not call her on it.

um not both of those can be true ….

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 06/03/2026 00:26

What did your mum expect your DH to do with this information? Her opinion of the guy's appearance is subjective and utterly ridiculous to mention it. His rudeness in not approaching her at an event, would he even recognise her? She didn't speak to him either. Your mother is the rude one.

Daisyhon · 05/03/2026 23:46

Sorry but I would absolutely read my mum the riot act for this . It is exceptionally rude to comment on the guys appearance & maybe he didn’t speak to your mum previously as he’s a bit shy . How your mum can think that it was in any way acceptable to comment on someone else’s extended family like that in public is beyond comprehension .

YankBrit · 05/03/2026 18:04

“Don’t start none, won’t be none!!” Brilliant. I love it. Never heard this before and I wish I had… Various people in my family could have used the admonition. Not going to get a tattoo, though.

WhatNoRaisins · 05/03/2026 18:03

I think it's one thing to have your own negative opinion about someone but your DM is old enough to know that it wasn't her place to share them with your DH.

Beeinalily · 05/03/2026 17:57

Crikey, I thought most people had grown out of calling people ugly by the time they were in double figures!

Original poster
IsabellaCoral · 05/03/2026 00:20

Bump!

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 04/03/2026 17:57

Your mom better watch her rude ass mouth.

She's being really nasty about your husband's niece's husband. A lot of people would tell her where to shove her opinion.

She needs a Don't start none, won't be none tattoo reminder when she starts her yapping.

It sounds like she's not too fond of your husband talking to him about his family like that. That's a bitch move and she knows it.

JustGiveMeReason · 04/03/2026 17:53

I mean, obviously your Mum was WAY out of order.

But how much is this out of character for her?
I can't imagine anyone in my family talking like this.
Is she normally so incredibly rude ?

Arlanymor · 04/03/2026 17:22

IsabellaCoral · 04/03/2026 16:59

Ah yeah thanks!

I said it was rude thing to say to DH. I also asked them to not say these things to DH again, and could they recall the bad behaviour of their parents in law, and how it had upset them. I didn’t shout, I was calm and polite.

Nope they went mental. They said that me requesting that meant that basically I wasn’t family. That they wouldn’t ask me for anything ever again.

it was quite odd.

Oh my goodness - I'm so sorry that both of your parents appear to have lost the plot for the time being. Hope you're ok - you've done nothing wrong.

Hollowvoice · 04/03/2026 17:14

She's upset because her son in law's niece's partner didn't rush over to speak to her and her friend?

Mischance · 04/03/2026 17:02

She is entitled to have her opinion but needs to zip the lip!
You were right to try and close the discussion down.

Original poster
IsabellaCoral · 04/03/2026 16:59

Ah yeah thanks!

I said it was rude thing to say to DH. I also asked them to not say these things to DH again, and could they recall the bad behaviour of their parents in law, and how it had upset them. I didn’t shout, I was calm and polite.

Nope they went mental. They said that me requesting that meant that basically I wasn’t family. That they wouldn’t ask me for anything ever again.

it was quite odd.

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 04/03/2026 15:55

Very rude and completely unnecessary. Also incredibly self-centred: what makes your mum think you DH is interested in her opinion on one of his relatives.

Why can't people just keep it to themselves?

RealEagle · 04/03/2026 15:54

You’re mum sounds lovely.

Lov22 · 04/03/2026 15:54

Very rude in my opinion

Notquitethetruth · 04/03/2026 15:52

I can't believe you even have to ask on here. Your mum is not only being rude, she is incredibly ignorant and clearly very judgemental. If I was your husband I wouldn't have any more interactions with her.

BauhausOfEliott · 04/03/2026 15:48

It's incredibly rude to start slagging off someone's extended family members like that.

SidekickSylvia · 04/03/2026 15:46

Your mum expected him to come over to her and her friend at an event, does your mum think she is more relevant to him than she is?

From his point of view, your mum is his wife's uncle's wife's mum, so that's not really an in law as such. I don't think many people would make a particular effort with that many degrees of separation.

Your mum is rude to mention his appearance, it's in the eye of the beholder and all that.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 04/03/2026 15:45

Unless you live in a commune how the heck would these two people even know each other. What's she to him , a great aunt in law?

It's safe to say he's not the rude one

BillieWiper · 04/03/2026 15:43

I mean if she thinks someone is ugly and rude I guess she's allowed to tell someone she feels that way. Though it would be rude to say it to the persons face. If you think they aren't then it's perfectly reasonable to reiterate that you think they're nice and perfectly attractive looking.

I'd say it's probably best not really to talk about the person though.