Starting to hate being motherhood

Yes, I think it can very much depend on what your life was before and how much you miss that, but also what you can enjoy now.

I wanted a more outdoorsy life, and that's very kid friendly.

I was already over my clubbing phase, and I also look forwards to showing my son the travel.

But I also get more random joy in my life than ever before. My son laughed himself stupid at bedtime trying to make us eat his bogies. I am more proud than I ever have been before. I am more disciplined with my health and finances, because now my goals are a lot more long term.

I think it's been a bigger shock to my husband because he didn't have the intel MN gives on the drudge.

It's really not that uncommon to feel the way you do. I am in my 70's and could not even begin to count how many woman (and men) have told me that although they love their children if they could go back in time they would not have any. I am not talking about people with young children either but, most often, grown up children often with grandchildren or even great grandchildren.

Tbh, I think you need to focus on solutions and problem-solving rather than wallowing (which won’t help you) unfortunately. It’ll just keep you stuck.

Can you join some support groups or mother and child groups? Make friends? Play dates? Meet others from your country or culture? There are others in your boat who do not have a family support network in this country, but you’ll have to get your support elsewhere.

Have you got any hobbies or interests that you could focus on for a bit of a break from time to time?

Have you spoken to your partner about this? I wonder how much you’ve actually tried to work on some of your difficulties here. It’s very easy to succumb to negative feelings…

You don’t need his permission to end the relationship. You’re not married? Do you rent or own? Do you work? You can’t force him to be the primary parent but can’t force you either.

I don’t think any of this is new news though is it? You chose to have a child with this man - in the financial position you are in - in the location you are in with limited family support.

You build relationships here. Not just playdates, but you need to build your own network of friendships. I invest a lot of time in my friends here.

A child does not need cousins and uncles around. I am actually from a small family, I didn't have any of these around anyway.

And lots of people in the UK have moved away for work to the big cities and have zero support or family nearby.

Don't tell your dd you hated being her mum. How hurtful would that be !!

I waited until I was in my 40s to have ds, which was definitely a good move for me. I was mature, happy in my skin, resourceful and had a good support network.

I coped despite it being just ds and me. 😊

The thing is, you can completely flip this and see this from a different perspective. My son is 3 months old, and when I look at the future now I feel so optimistic and happy and excited about doing things with him, and seeing him experience the world. I’ve just been buying him his little summer outfits on Vinted, and browsing all the cute dungarees and tiny sun hats is just making me feel so happy thinking about being on the beach with him this summer.

We went swimming earlier together, and it was just so magical watching him experience the water. So actually, in a way, I think I feel more free than I did before having him: I feel a lot more positive and full of enthusiasm for the future, and like opportunities are endless.

Surely most of this is obvious though is it not?

Your body will not be quite the same after birth as it was before, you won't have as much free time, your freedom is gone. Why did you think it would be any different? Babies and raising children takes time, effort and commitment so of course your life will not be the same as it was and your own time will be less.

However saying all that, with the right support there is no reason why you can't find time to get your body back to a better place afterwards. With some time and effort its possible. When I had both mine I still went running, trained and ran half marathons and marathons.

And there is also still a life to be had outside of children I went out regularly with my DH and friends and my DH and I had family time and also our own time to do our own things while the other stayed with the kids. Its all about balance.

So it IS possible but only if you have the support of your partner and family.

I suspect from your post that you have neither?

Lots of people told you, but none of us listen. I' also an immigrant and I relate to the feeling of wow, I can never leave the UK now, and I have zero day to day support.

But the child is here. She's 6. It sounds like you have some massive life problems which you CAN sort. You need to make some positive changes to be happier and be a better mum.

You can exercise and diet. You can find a reliable babysitter. Leave the relationship.

She’s here now, she didn’t ask to be born and you owe it to her to try and connect with her properly rather than resent her existence.

If your bad relationship is a big part of your misery then leave him. Can you stay in the country if you’re not with him? Does he like being a dad? You could split up then have 50/50 with him or you could see if he’d want her more and you could be a weekend mum and enjoy your freedom the rest of the time.

You could be like my friend’s mum and regularly remind her children that they’ve ruined her life, her body, stolen her freedom and her future, that they should never have kids. But my friend is extremely damaged by that so it’s not a good idea.

You couldn't have worked this out for youself?

Seriously?

If you didn’t realise all this, you were very negligent before having a child.
Please don’t burden your daughter with your selfish regrets - she didn’t choose you as her mother, but you are the one she has, so do your best to make her feel wanted and loved and NOT someone you wish had never been born.

You didn't think that having a tiny helpless person totally dependent on you for years would curtail your freedom? At 27 you were old enough to approach parenthood with clear eyes - it's hard, tiring and your priorities have to change. But it does get easier and you do get more freedom as they get older. I don't think most people feel as you do - most find it hard at times but the fierce protective all-encompassing love for your children is what makes life worthwhile for a lot of people. I certainly couldn't and wouldn't want to imagine a life without my children, they are all adults now and my favourite people to spend time with.

The early years can be incredibly tough. I struggled through periods of it, however things DID get so much better once my daughter was high school age. She's almost 16 now, and she's the sunshine of my life.

Go gently on yourself @ivise. It does get much, much easier once they're more independent.

I agree with this but also it's a hard thing to explain in a way. The sheer relentless tedium when they're babies is hard to articulate. And I imagine if you're not a touchy feely person then it would be worse in a way because babies and toddlers just want you so much all the time. Until you've gone through it, no amount of explaining is going to be properly understood

I don’t understand all of your points here.

• Body changes- yeah, it grew a whole human, that does cause changes. I don’t know how that came as a surprise? BUT change isn’t bad, I actually think knowing my body grew and fed two babies made me appreciate my body far more than I did beforehand.
• Health will decline after birth- does it? I don’t think that’s a blanket rule. I’ve had 2 babies, youngest is 4 months old, my health is arguably better than it was before having children. I run, I weight train, I eat healthy, my health certainly hasn’t been damaged by pregnancy and birth.
• Won’t be able to get “time off”, as I said in my last post, children have two parents. I still get to go for a run, gym class, evening meal out, night away etc. My husband is just as much their parent as I am, we both get time off to ourselves.

But surely you were aware of all that before you chose to have a child?

I’m not sure the advice or lesson to take from your experience is to not have children at all OP, but more so that it’s important to have children with the right person, a good partner, once you are financially stable, with a support system around you whether that be family or friends etc. Having children was never meant to be a one person job and that’s why it feels so difficult.

I'm sorry but how did you not know this? It is all absolutely entirely obvious and well known.