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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

281 replies

Dexysmidnightstroller · 04/03/2026 10:48

For various reasons I’m currently the main breadwinner and paying all bills. We do ok, fortunate to have paid off the mortgage, and balance having nice but not extravagant holidays with saving for retirement.

We recently went on an overseas holiday mainly to visit an elderly relative of mine. We did lots of other things too but that was the main reason for the venue and we ensured we spent a lot of time with her. At the end, without asking and as a complete surprise, she insisted on a really generous gift of ££ as she wanted to pay for our trip. We absolutely never expected or asked, but accepted the gift (she is comfortably off and is known for generous help to my siblings as well).

As I’d already budgeted and paid for the holiday I put the gift into savings/investment. DH has whinged a bit, saying it was a gift to “us” with the implication that he should take half and do what he wants with it. AIBU to point out that I paid for the holiday and my relative was theoretically reimbursing it, so if I decide it should go into savings that is up to me? (And by the way be grateful for the free trip and for our future financial stability?)

IANBU = I was within rights to decide what to do with the gift
IABU = he was entitled to his half of the windfall

OP posts:
Pyjamatimenow · 04/03/2026 13:47

Dexysmidnightstroller · 04/03/2026 11:01

He’s on v low wage due to his previous job ending (not his fault, the role vanished). I had very bad experiences with previous partners and £ so like to keep things separate, I just hate discussing money as a result. Yes he gets a good deal - me paying for everything and him keeping his limited £ for himself - but I’m ok with this and have eyes open. But to me it’s a pisstake him wanting a little bonus here. It’s not like I went and spent it on jewellery either, I put it away for a rainy day / retirement.

Show quote history

You’re cruising for a bruising here. Men don’t respect women who financially prop them up.

OnlyHasEyesForLoki · 04/03/2026 13:47

He is indeed a CF!!! I would buy yourself something fabulous with it as a protest!

godmum56 · 04/03/2026 13:46

Dexysmidnightstroller · 04/03/2026 13:11

I’m aware of financial exposure re divorce and it is a horrible thought (he will inherit some ££ at some point though) but I’m hoping it will never happen obviously.

If we did share £ it would basically mean apportioning a fixed share of my income to him each month. But as I said, I don’t apportion a fixed share to me as it is. I don’t want to run the budget that way. I want bills paid and retirement savings made, and then and only then money on entertainment or toys. Which we do have, and I don’t buy myself anymore than him. I never buy myself frivolous stuff because I don’t need it, and entertainment £ is always spent on both of us. So the only way I’m enjoying my own £ more than his is by deciding how much is saved. And here was unexpected £ so that’s where it went. If I could swap positions with him I would.

this isn’t like a Sahm because someone in that position is doing a vital role. He does things round the house etc but it’s hardly comparable.

so what does this prince among men bring to the party?

mcmuffin22 · 04/03/2026 13:45

ChalkOrCheese · 04/03/2026 11:11

Why the fuck are you paying all bills by default?

You have no mortgage so presumably splitting the remaining bills is easily affordable and if you split he would have housing costs.

Stop being a mug.There is no good reason to subsidise his lifestyle. Plenty of people on minimum wage pay bills.

You say you've got your eyes wide open...to what?? The fact you're shacked up with a cocklodger who's happy to take take take?

I agree with this. OP, I know this is easy to see from the outside but I can't believe you were burnt by one bad relationship where you lost money....and walked into another one AND married him. Because however much you keep your finances separate, in the event of a divorce it is certainly you who will lose out again.

canklesmctacotits · 04/03/2026 13:41

So hang on: are you paying ALL the bills? And he’s paying nothing and keeping all his earnings for himself? That can’t be right, surely?

SweetnsourNZ · 04/03/2026 13:41

Frostynoman · 04/03/2026 11:49

Do you think he felt you’d have softened your stance on finances over time? Did he always have this approach to finances do you think? It would plant a seed of concern in my mind in that situation as clearly he is being unreasonable

Think they were quite even at one stage then he lost his good job and is now earning less. This is changing the power dynamic in the relationship.

Daysgo · 04/03/2026 13:39

I'm in two minds but... Context is everything, i get what you said re your relative, you're main earner but as it's a complete out of the blue surprise would it be so awful for u both to enjoy it, or even for ur partners views be listened to... I think op tbf, you're the only one eho can gauge reasonable or not..

IkeaJesusChrist · 04/03/2026 13:39

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/03/2026 13:35

Where has she said that? I read that he doesn't earn enough, not that she doesn't want him to

Show quote history

Yes he gets a good deal - me paying for everything and him keeping his limited £ for himself - but I’m ok with this and have eyes open

And

He’s precious hinted at some form of sharing but I’m not going to do it. Similarly he wondered about a fixed amount each month for spending. Nope, that isn’t the way I run my personal finances.

SweetnsourNZ · 04/03/2026 13:38

Merryoldgoat · 04/03/2026 12:29

I don’t disagree with how you’ve decided to use this gift but your general finances are borderline abusive and if a friend said her husband was doing this I’d tell her she was being treated unfairly.

Either you’re a partnership or not - why get married if that’s not what you want?

Yes. I don't think it's about halving the actual money even though it seems like it. It's about the way she unilaterally controlled what happened to it. It may logically seem that she is right but humans run on emtion not logic and he is being shown in no uncertain terms who is the boss.

Solost92 · 04/03/2026 13:37

YANBU. You paid for his holiday. That's "his share". He's taking the piss expecting any of your money. You already keep him, if he wants more spending money he can earn it. How low can his income possibly be to justify not contributing at all? More than 500 quid he needs to be paying his keep, less and he needs to work more. There's no excuse for having no job if you're able bodied and childless, there are jobs, shit jobs, but jobs nonetheless.

This is not at all comparable to a SAHM, as a SAHM all money should he shared becuase you earn it together. The working parent can't earn without the SAHP looking after their kids and the vast majority of household admin and chores. He is not contributing towards your earning potential. He's already getting a good deal, he should appreciate what he gets and that you're securing the future too.

getsomehelp · 04/03/2026 13:36

He wants you to give him pocket money, when he has a wage & spends it on himself....
Wow, I'd tell him to actively look for a higher paid job & actually participate, not sulk because you have refused to hand over your family gift.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 04/03/2026 13:35

IkeaJesusChrist · 04/03/2026 13:27

All these asking why doesn't he contribute?

BECAUSE OP DOESN'T WANT HIM TO!

Where has she said that? I read that he doesn't earn enough, not that she doesn't want him to

Goodadvice1980 · 04/03/2026 13:31

How the feck can any self respecting woman tolerate a cock lodger. Honestly OP, he’s a walking ick.

IkeaJesusChrist · 04/03/2026 13:27

All these asking why doesn't he contribute?

BECAUSE OP DOESN'T WANT HIM TO!

trumpisvomitous · 04/03/2026 13:26

Bristolandlazy · 04/03/2026 13:21

He doesn't know when he's onto a good thing. Sounds ungrateful to me. If he's skint he should pull his finger out.

Respectfully I disagree!
I think he absolutely does know he's on to a good thing, and he also thinks 'there's plenty more where that came from'.
In other words he thinks you're a soft touch @Dexysmidnightstroller .

skyeisthelimit · 04/03/2026 13:25

Your relative repaid you for the trip - you paid for the trip therefore it is just replacing your money. He is a tosser for wanting half the money. It is not a shared gift.

I think you need to reassess your situation with him. He needs to be earning and paying half the bills, or else he is just getting a free ride. It won't matter how much you save because he will want half when you split up.

TanquerayTickles · 04/03/2026 13:24

OP, what did he say when you told him the money was to reimburse for the holiday? And why doesn't he try to get a better paying job and contribute to the household?

NeedAdvice6432 · 04/03/2026 13:24

Zivvy · 04/03/2026 11:02

I am a sahm, and if this scenario happened to us in reverse (DH is the breadwinner because I am caring for our children) I would be absolutely raging. But that is because we share all money completely - there is no his money and my money.

I don't understand marriages where money is not fully shared (unless there are stepchildren involved). A marriage is a union. Body, soul, decisions, dreams, money.

But he is not a SAHP. He's not raising their children. It's completely different.

Gymnopedie · 04/03/2026 13:24

So his view is what's his is his and what's yours is also his. You may have been happy with the financials before but this might be a bit of an eye opener.

How did it play out before he lost his job and he was earning more?

user1471538283 · 04/03/2026 13:24

This may work for you but to me it sounds like you've married a child. And he's greedy. I'd say to him that from now on he pays his half of all bills and groceries. And I'd keep that gift to myself. This is financial abuse from him.

He's not a satp so he's not contributing.

How anyone could have so little pride to not pay their way is beyond me.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 04/03/2026 13:23

Zivvy · 04/03/2026 11:02

I am a sahm, and if this scenario happened to us in reverse (DH is the breadwinner because I am caring for our children) I would be absolutely raging. But that is because we share all money completely - there is no his money and my money.

I don't understand marriages where money is not fully shared (unless there are stepchildren involved). A marriage is a union. Body, soul, decisions, dreams, money.

You would be 'raging' that your husband didn't share money given to him? Does that extend to Christmas present cash etc as well? Bonkers.

WallaceinAnderland · 04/03/2026 13:22

Do you wish you had never married him OP?

Bristolandlazy · 04/03/2026 13:21

He doesn't know when he's onto a good thing. Sounds ungrateful to me. If he's skint he should pull his finger out.

nomas · 04/03/2026 13:17

YANBU OP. He needs to get a better paying job.

I assume he isn't a SAHD / you don't have kids with him?

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 04/03/2026 13:17

Rainydaycat · 04/03/2026 12:37

The money would be “ours”. All our money is “ours”.

Wow. That's so useful when the OP has explained that that is not the case for her, and why.

And don't worry, you didn't sound smug as well as trite.