Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

I did that before and got horribly burned. I mean all my redundancy money, everything take from me except my share of house equity. The btard syphoned it all. I’d have retired by now otherwise. So I cannot do that again. I made that clear with this marriage from the get go.

He may not be taking all of it and not in the same way, but he's still taking your money now.

Duhh, he doesn't deserve a penny from it.

Honestly, if this was the other way round, and a man was the higher earner and controlling the finances, while the woman working on a low wage had no say in what happened to any extra income coming in, the answers given by many of the PPs would be completely different.

I do understand that the OP has been burned before, but marriage is about sharing, about helping each other, about seeing each other through the difficult times. For me, the situation here would depend on whether the DH was working full time, or part time and picking up the slack at home. And whether he has the ability to get another, higher paying job, or if he's just looking for an easy ride. We don't know, because the OP hasn't said.

It sounds fine, if one partner is earning less, and the other is paying all of the bills. This, on the whole, may well mean that things are fairly equitable in the amount that each has for 'fun money' etc. . But where it becomes more difficult is when one partner is making the financial decisions, without discussion. They get to decide what is invested, what is spent on holidays etc just because they are the higher earner. This definitely can lead to a power imbalance, and that's not good for a marriage.

In this particular case, I can totally see why the money went back in to savings, as that is where it presumably came from in the first place, and the relative said they want to pay for the holiday.

But it's still fair to discuss this, rather than making the decision for both of you. It's fair to discuss any financial plan, including savings, spending, budgets , pensions etc. Not necessarily having complete access to all money (although I do think that's best), but being open to discussion. That's how most people in a successful marriage function. It can work without this, but I think it's rarer. If you are open about finances, and operate in a way that you are BOTH happy with, then that's good for the long term success of the partnership. If not, it can lead to resentment - possibly from him because she makes all the financial decisions, possibly from her because she doesn't trust him or think he's bringing an equal amount to the marriage (not just financial, but in effort).

Op, am I right in understanding he keeps everything he earns to do what he wants with?

Just refund him what he paid 0

Why are you with him?

I've mentioned in another thread that we kept separate finances after a bank manager warned me not to open a joint account.

I'm in Scotland, and up here children automatically inherit one third of their parents' moveable estate.

If my late husband and I had joined our assets I'd be facing old age minus a chunk of my savings, since I was the breadwinner for most of our married life and DH had two adult children when we married.

There were times that my parents gave us a joint gift and we set that aside for holidays.

They have both enjoyed it OP paid for the holiday in the first place.

Context is that he is on to a good thing and still wants more.

I'm unsure how he expects to receive any of the money simply because he did t pay for any of the holiday in the first place. Be is essentially expecting you to just give him half the value of the trip!

Rattled your cage.

3rd option, you jointly discuss what happens to the money. However it seems sensible if you are on one income to save.

Could it be that he feels poor and would like a safety net or perhaps there is something that you both? Just be careful not to project your padt negative money experiences onto him as that could lead to him feeling resentful.

His reaction would really piss me off in these circumstances. I hope he's worth it in other respects.

No one is saying she should give him the money just they should discuss what happens to it as a couple.

In this situation, I'd just talk about it-if you need the money for bills etc that's one thing, but if it's just an extra amount you'd not needed, why not ask what it is he particularly wants it for? As in, maybe he wants/needs clothing or something that would normally be outside the budget and thinks this is a rare chance to get something he usually has to go without.

I would question though why you don't feel an urge to share good fortune with the one you love most dearly?
@Xnz2022
HE is the one with the good fortune, he's landed himself a sugar mummy!

She paid for the holiday. How isn't that sharing 'good fortune'? He just wanted even more.

You've got yourself a sponger there op.

A greedy one at that

I think this is fairly common with men, if his female partner out earns him he resents it and tries to sabotage her in some way. Generally by trying to get as much of her money for himself as he possibly can. Having achieved that he starts to feel as if he is now in his rightful position as the boss. He's the boss because she is now his slave, she works to keep him whilst he does very little in return.
@Dexysmidnightstroller you're the daddy here, stop letting him exploit you. You have all the power, you need to start wielding it.

How much does he bring home each month - what costs and bills does he pay?

How much disposable income do you have each month (before savings)?

Why have you told him that you don’t want any contribution at all?

Is he looking for a better paid job or are you both happy for him to stay where he is?

I understand that you want to protect your finances due to the past, but in a marriage surely there’s normally some element of sharing or parity? Without knowing more about your relative incomes it’s hard to know whether you’re being financially controlling or whether he’s got the life of Riley.

Women usually are at home from birth of child until they are more independent though. They don't quit work after the children start school. And they usually take the load of housework admin and childcare. Not all I know but most.

Accidently hit the YABU, apologies. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Agreed - I’d like to know this. People comparing him to a SAHP are missing the point - he isnt doing unpaid labour to benefit the household. He’s free-loading.

He is behaving like a petulant child over the money but this is fairly unsurprising given he isnt fulfilling an adult role in the relationship, let alone being an equal partner.

Why didnt you keep him as a DP and not make him a DH, OP - especially after being burnt in the past?

Flip the genders around and I doubt you would get this response. A high earning man paying the bills, and then gets gifted money and doesn't want to share it with his minimum wage earning wife..

Selfish bastard...

I think part of sexist and
Patriarchal ideas gets exposed on these threads. Many people still have the idea that the man should be the one providing and supporting a family, and even if we know this is the case, we have a subtle bias against men who are lower earners or reliant on their wives finances.. as a result we react far harsher to them than to the equivalent wives who rely on their husband (not talking about those raising children obviously).

To answer the question though. I don't like fully split financial marriages, but if your husband knew that going in, and he agreed to it, then he has nothing to moan about.

I would question though why you don't feel an urge to share good fortune with the one you love most dearly? You certainly don't have to.. but I think in most loving marriages people don't need to but do desire to share around good fortune, even if just a little bit.

My friend was like this I don’t get it!!!!! She would complain to me she pays for everything but stayed with this man.

my friend did this twice - now I can’t say what’s happened to her it’s too triggering but just fucking get away from the bastard. Honestly you don’t need a man like him in your life, I got fed up of my hard working friend who was in such a high powered job having this leech hanging onto her - galavanting around spending her hard earned cash, I hate him for what he did to her, just get out.

Get out of this before he screws you over