Cash gift from parent - sharing with spouse

I earn a low wage and contribute nothing towards bills and food. Does that make me a CF too? Why does DS tolerate me? Dh as the bigger earner pays everything. The leftover disposable income after mortgages, bills, car loans, pensions, savings and subscriptions is roughly the same as my disposable income which is my entire net salary. I guess I'm a freeloader too. Perhaps Dh should leave my ass and find a woman with a salary that matches his.

Fwiw I agree the money was for the holiday but I really disagree with the nasty comments about disparity in earnings. I don't see why it's even relevant to the issue in hand and don't see why OP even mentioned it.

I'm married, and our house (it's in DH name) has been left to DS with a life interest for me. Again, to stop DS' inheritance falling outside the family. If I remarry, however, the life interest ends. That's absolutely fine by me. The problem with partners and life interest is that there's nothing to stop them moving a new partner in.

You're doing totally the right thing here; protect your children.

YANBU, OP. I don't get all this angst about having separate finances. There are all sorts of marriages, and just because a couple have separate finances does not make their marriage any less.

DH and I keep separate finances. No joint money at all. He's from a culture where women keep their maiden names, children inherit without question, and family money is kept within the (blood) family. We don't squabble over money or keep count over who pays what; the bills get paid and that's what's important.

I'm protected financially (healthy fuck off fund for worst case scenarios). I wouldn't dream of asking DH to hand over any cash he gets from, say, his FIL to me.

"He has said I should leave it all to him and he will pass it to the kids, and that he will protect it from their father."

Pfft! All pigs fed, watered and ready to fly. I bet he'd protect it from their father - by keeping it himself. I know you're not going to but if you DID leave it to him in your will it would legally be all his, and I'd bet anything that he would turn round and laugh in your kids' faces.

OP open your eyes. With every update we can see what he's doing, you need to see it for yourself. He already has some of your money because you keep him fed, housed and warm. But he wants more. As much of it as he can persuade you to give him. And preferably all of it.

He's a leech and a cocklodger. Time to close the Bank of Dexy right now and let the money grabbing sod fend for himself.

"He has said I should leave it all to him and he will pass it to the kids, and that he will protect it from their father."
Oof. Red flags a-flying!

Mind boggling why you even married him?? After being through it the first time, amazing how people don’t learn.

My exact thought. I can’t imagine being with someone and having this mentality. Squabbling over money like like, it’s just ick .

It definitely would not be called financial abuse if there was a couple who didn't share kids and a man refused to give a woman some of his money when she was also working and getting to keep all of her wages and not having to contribute anything towards bills.

AT ALL.

Have you run that by a specialty lawyer to see if that split will stand if he challenges it?

I am not in the UK but doesn't the surviving spouse get the estate? And is your will that says otherwise legally binding if he takes it to court?

He has said I should leave it all to him and he will pass it to the kids, and that he will protect it from their father.

But not from himself.

Girl. Sheesh. He's fucking blatant.

Tell your mom he tried to help himself to the money she gave you to reimburse you for the holiday you paid for and he's tried to get you to leave him your entire estate. She needs to know this guy is a greedy opportunist and to leave her money to the grandkids.

Why is he getting a third of your pension? No criticism, but you are sending mixed messages.

Not if the woman was keeping all of their own wage and was choosing to do a lower paid job. A partnership is everyone pulling their weight, especially where there are no children involved.

No it wouldn’t! There is literally nothing abusive about putting the money your relative has given you to cover the cost of the trip back into savings rather than spaffing it.

Good for you.

You’re right to do this. Your husband doesn’t get to decide what happens with money that comes from your family. Nor you money that comes from his if your arrangement is separate finances with separate savings and banking arrangements.

Until he cheats on you for a younger woman and then tries to claim 50/50 custody so he has to pay you the least amount of maintenance. Never a good ideal to pool money. You are individuals not one being. You aren't joined at the hip. If this happened in your case you would be up the creek without a paddle.
@Dexysmidnightstroller I'd be absolutely fuming in your place and I think you know yourself that he is taking the piss generally letting you pay for everything. Set some boundaries. Even on low wage he should still be contributing to the household. When his relative offers a big wad of money out then he can keep that to himself can't he? What an absolute CF he is!!!

We’re not missing anything and we’re certainly not judgemental and sanctimonious about other people who organise their lives in the way that suits them best. The life we’ve built together has survived numerous stresses and strains, it’s certainly not going to fall apart for the lack of a joint account.

If this happened in reverse it would be called financial abuse!

Why wouldn’t you have a joint account if you trust your husband?

Each to their own, but that wouldn’t be attractive to me - I wouldn’t have married him. Marriage is building a life together. If you can’t be on the same page re finances, then you’re missing something fundamental. You can still have separate accounts with sone money in to spend how you wish. But it stops all this “my money” nonsense that we see in her literally every day.

I hope your mom is bypassing you and leaving her estate to the grandkids. He could end up with that too. You might want to suggest that to her. I would if I was married to a greedy man who would take her reimbursment for a holiday you paid for to spend on himself.

Get sound legal advice if you make a will that doesn't leave him much. A spouse can contest a will and will likely get at least as much as they would had you divorced before death, especially if he is dependent on you. A contested will is not something your DC will want to go through if it's avoidable. Better for everyone for the will to be sound and for everyone to be aware so as to not stoke the fires for upset and contestation after you die.

You need to get financial advice about protecting money you are saving for your kids and, ideally, your house before this guy divorces you and goes for half.

If he realises he'll get more from divorcing you than from living off you, you need to be prepared.

It would be different if you shared young children and he was a sahd. But this isnt that. He contributes fuck all and expects everything you have. That's not on and tbh it is an insult to sahp to compare him to them.

He doesn't like you saving for your children?.
Why in gods name did you marry such a grifter.
Honestly OP, I would be seriously saving money for those children, in THEIR name, to keep his hands off it.

What a loser.

I have grown up children. He doesn’t like me putting money aside for their future (thinks they shouldn’t get any past 18) but tough. My children my money my call - I put it in a savings account and it’s to help them each get on the property ladder, or for emergencies (real ones eg if they were very ill and couldn’t work etc).

You know you fucked up big time again marrying this guy, don't you?

Get the money to your kids before something happens and he takes half of what you've got. You need to see a lawyer and a financial advisor who has fiduciary duty to protect your kids or they're going to end up with nothing if you're not smart and careful. This guy's greedy as fuck and he wants it all.

This is one of the big reasons besides the high potential for abuse I would never remarry. There's a ton of greedy and just feckless, irresponsible assholes out there looking for women who will support them as they age. I knew to protect my kids. What I have, they will get. They get a holiday, not some loser. Life is really a lot tougher for the younger generations, especially financially, and I have a responsibility to them.