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Original poster

Dh always miserable on birthday

282 replies

Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 10:32

It was his birthday yesterday, Dd and I made a cake based on his favourite chocolate bar, blew up balloons, cards-handmade and bought, a couple of small gifts-not expensive as we are going away and don’t go over the top for each other. We blew some balloons up, Dd is little and loves the planning and excitement of it. We had his cake and coffee ready in the morning and were singing to him before work and he looked quite miserable, it was just quiet and awkward and an anti climax. When it’s my birthday I make it fun and look happy for the sake of Dd
It was the same last year, in the evening we had his takeaway of choice (went out the following weekend) and he was saying he felt really down

OP posts:
DappledThings · 04/03/2026 11:33

Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:29

It doesn’t make him miserable, he just is miserable, I honestly believe if we didn’t do it, he’d be even worse!

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But have you actually discussed that or just assumed? Unless you've actually asked if he likes all that stuff and suggested not doing it you don't know he'd be miserable without it.

I loathe my birthday and confronted with all this in the morning would make me sad, stressed out and angry

Original poster
Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:32

LollipopLil · 04/03/2026 11:28

I think this is perfect.

And actually, you may see an improvement in his mood.

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He’d be worse with no effort!

OP posts:
LollipopLil · 04/03/2026 11:32

Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:29

It doesn’t make him miserable, he just is miserable, I honestly believe if we didn’t do it, he’d be even worse!

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I doubt it somehow as the majority of your posts are about your DD's feelings, not his.

OhBettyCalmDown · 04/03/2026 11:31

I don’t think he should have to enjoy something just because you want to celebrate that way. He’s not into birthdays…you need to manage your child’s expectations. Just let her make him a card and give it to him. No need to build the anticipation and the excitement the day before with balloons and cake. The reason it’s so awkward is because you built it up and are now placing the expectation for you DH to perform for the moment. Just let it go and let him mark his birthday in a way he wants to

Starlight1979 · 04/03/2026 11:31

Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:29

It doesn’t make him miserable, he just is miserable, I honestly believe if we didn’t do it, he’d be even worse!

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Well if he's going to be miserable either way then just don't bother and at least you won't resent him because you've gone to a load of effort!

Original poster
Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:29

BudgetBuster · 04/03/2026 11:24

But it makes your husband miserable on the 1 day of the year that's all about him 😂

You are literally on here complaining about people.being miserable because they don't like your tradition! YOUR TRADITION!

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It doesn’t make him miserable, he just is miserable, I honestly believe if we didn’t do it, he’d be even worse!

OP posts:
ZippyPeer · 04/03/2026 11:29

Agree with PP, your daughter can learn that people like different things.

I actually think it is unhealthy to keep squashing down your feelings when it is something that is entirely optional and supposed to be for you. If you don't like birthday celebrations why should you have to pretend to enjoy them? Different if you are doing something for someone else that you know they will love, but saying 'that is not for me, I prefer x' is surely a good thing for your kid to see modelled?

LollipopLil · 04/03/2026 11:28

Starlight1979 · 04/03/2026 11:27

Honestly OP, I would just speak to him and say "Look, it's clear you don't enjoy us making a fuss on your birthday so next year we'll scale it back and leave you be. Just wanted to give you the heads up now so you know what to expect".

And leave it at that.

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I think this is perfect.

And actually, you may see an improvement in his mood.

slashlover · 04/03/2026 11:28

firstofallimadelight · 04/03/2026 11:02

id explain to him it really bout his dd showin her love for him and if he chooses to show displeasure it will hurt her. Also would he prefer an evening fuss? Maybe he’s not a morning person

Yes, guilt him for not liking the same things as you do.

Christmasinmecar · 04/03/2026 11:27

Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:22

Shoved in his face? Jesus christ, it’s a simple tradition we all do for each other on birthdays because we care and want to show that, so many miserable people

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'So many miserable people' - just because they don't like the things that you do?🤔

Starlight1979 · 04/03/2026 11:27

Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:24

Because it was miserable and as awkward as f
She spent ages making a card of them both together, decided on his favourite cake, made & decorated it-all simple things and definitely not over the top

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Honestly OP, I would just speak to him and say "Look, it's clear you don't enjoy us making a fuss on your birthday so next year we'll scale it back and leave you be. Just wanted to give you the heads up now so you know what to expect".

And leave it at that.

LollipopLil · 04/03/2026 11:27

Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:24

Because it was miserable and as awkward as f
She spent ages making a card of them both together, decided on his favourite cake, made & decorated it-all simple things and definitely not over the top

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She's 7.

Has she not noticed he's not been particularly fussed about his past birthdays?

I genuinely think this is down to you and your 'fun fun fun for daddy' attitude.

Just lower her expectations in future and this won't be a problem.

Or better still, get her to give him a card when he's home from work rather than first thing in the morning.

Oh and cut out the balloons etc.

Original poster
Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:26

Starlight1979 · 04/03/2026 11:23

But not everyone is the same? Yes obviously there are a lot of parents who would plaster a smile on for the sake of their kids but that doesn't mean he has to do it. You said last year he hated it so why do it again this year?!

I would hate to be woken up with balloons, cake, card, presents etc all at (I'm guessing) 7-8am before I'm going to work and my face would be a dead giveaway as to how I felt.

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He’s already awake, is a morning person.
As I said i’m v shy and don’t love it all…however, these are supposed to be the good bits of life, if people love you and want to celebrate you, I would put a smile on, I wouldn’t need to fake it, i’d be touched

OP posts:
Rainydaycat · 04/03/2026 11:26

BudgetBuster · 04/03/2026 11:17

But you're trying to force him to be happy when he's not?

It's pretty obvious that you only care about your DD feelings in all this. Did you specifically ask him in advance if he wanted a cake and singing shoved in his face when he gets up the morning of his birthday? And has he explicitly told you he likes this fuss.

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Exactly

BudgetBuster · 04/03/2026 11:24

Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:22

Shoved in his face? Jesus christ, it’s a simple tradition we all do for each other on birthdays because we care and want to show that, so many miserable people

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But it makes your husband miserable on the 1 day of the year that's all about him 😂

You are literally on here complaining about people.being miserable because they don't like your tradition! YOUR TRADITION!

Original poster
Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:24

LollipopLil · 04/03/2026 11:21

OP why are you so worried about your 7 year old child in all of this?

What does it really have to do with her?

She'll enjoy her own birthday and probably yours by the sound of it, so why are you so fussed about how she sees her dad's birthday?

It's not her day and he's entitled to react however he wants to.

Because it was miserable and as awkward as f
She spent ages making a card of them both together, decided on his favourite cake, made & decorated it-all simple things and definitely not over the top

OP posts:
Probablyshouldntsay · 04/03/2026 11:23

I’m a bit like this OP. I will put on a big smile but I find birthdays excruciating.
i used to look forward to them but have had so many disappointing ones that I find them awful.
These days I just book the day off by myself so I only have to see my dc and we just have a nice tea. My dad always sends me a nice card which I love but any more fuss than that and I feel out of sorts.

Is the holiday something fully for him ie something he has always wanted to do / see or is it something for the family?

Starlight1979 · 04/03/2026 11:23

Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:16

Same with me

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But not everyone is the same? Yes obviously there are a lot of parents who would plaster a smile on for the sake of their kids but that doesn't mean he has to do it. You said last year he hated it so why do it again this year?!

I would hate to be woken up with balloons, cake, card, presents etc all at (I'm guessing) 7-8am before I'm going to work and my face would be a dead giveaway as to how I felt.

Original poster
Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:22

BudgetBuster · 04/03/2026 11:17

But you're trying to force him to be happy when he's not?

It's pretty obvious that you only care about your DD feelings in all this. Did you specifically ask him in advance if he wanted a cake and singing shoved in his face when he gets up the morning of his birthday? And has he explicitly told you he likes this fuss.

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Shoved in his face? Jesus christ, it’s a simple tradition we all do for each other on birthdays because we care and want to show that, so many miserable people

OP posts:
LollipopLil · 04/03/2026 11:21

OP why are you so worried about your 7 year old child in all of this?

What does it really have to do with her?

She'll enjoy her own birthday and probably yours by the sound of it, so why are you so fussed about how she sees her dad's birthday?

It's not her day and he's entitled to react however he wants to.

Original poster
Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:18

GentleHedgehog · 04/03/2026 11:02

So if he's not interested, don't celebrate his birthday. It's his birthday, not yours. You can do the fuss on your birthday. I suspect if you ignore his birthday that will suddenly be an issue too, however. Try it and see...

It definitely will be!

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:17

Freya1542 · 04/03/2026 11:00

a cup and a t-shirt?

Could it be the gifts that have made him sad @Blackeyedsun?

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😂No, we are going away on a fairly expensive break

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 04/03/2026 11:17

Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:14

Whoa…wait a sec, nothing is forced down his throat, he doesn’t not like it and has never said that, he’s just miserable and would likely be even more miserable if we did less

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But you're trying to force him to be happy when he's not?

It's pretty obvious that you only care about your DD feelings in all this. Did you specifically ask him in advance if he wanted a cake and singing shoved in his face when he gets up the morning of his birthday? And has he explicitly told you he likes this fuss.

Original poster
Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:16

AutumnFroglets · 04/03/2026 10:54

Tweak it round OP.

Balloons set up night before.
Sing happy birthday with a coffee in the morning.
Presents, cake and anything else after work/school.

If that doesn't work then just accept he's turning into a miserable so and so. And yes, I put a brave face on for my DC too. Hate my birthday but appreciate the effort they've put in because they love me

Same with me

OP posts:
Original poster
Blackeyedsun · 04/03/2026 11:15

Happyjoe · 04/03/2026 10:54

Even if he hates his birthday, he should've put on a happy face for the sake of his child's efforts imo. That effort should always be rewarded with a big smile imo.

Agree!

OP posts: