Dh always miserable on birthday

Some people don’t like a fuss on their birthdays others have a week of merriment to celebrate their birthday
My mum is in her seventies and loves the fuss. She absolutely adores the cards, the messages and the presents
All my dcs love celebrating their birthdays
I am more low key and just happy with a kebab
Your dh doesn’t like the fuss
, you are aware of this , so why do you continue to do something he doesn’t like ,?

I did wonder if I had.

I actually don’t like celebrating my birthday because it is so close to my late mums………just how things are I’m afraid. My family know this and we plan things that distract from dwelling over losing mum. There might be something going on with your DH that he relates to his own birthday and finds difficult to cope with.

Looks like you’re leaving the bastard then.

I’m shocked at the people excusing this father who can’t even raise a smile of thanks when his child presents him with a handmade birthday card.

The parenting bar is set so low for men.

Nope. Yes you did misunderstand.

I'm not sure if I've understood your post correctly. Are you calling a 7 year old child an attention seeker for being excited to surprise her father on his birthday?

You do your DH’s birthday stuff for your daughter? At what point, if ever, do your DH’s wishes feature in his own birthday?

I’d swap victim for attention seeker and consider the OP for that with child following in her footsteps.

YANBU
I hate my birthday- but I'd never show that to my kids, especially if they were young and had made a cake.
Your husband needs to grow up.

@Blackeyedsun Just wondering, is he the kind of person who is a perpetual victim no matter what happens? Only my ex was like this and he turned out to be a covert narcissist.

I wouldn’t say he’s annoyed, so much as being made the subject of a performance that he had no wish to be part of. There’s no sense at all of thinking what he would like, which is probably just a low key card and happy birthday.

Instead of which, year after year the OP hammers away at doing his birthday her way.

Still going really slow 🤣 I had visions of a cat with full velocity and swept back ears!

It sounds like your dh is not enjoying the fuss and also timing is a bit crap. Next year I suggest no decorations or balloons and no singing in the morning. A card at breakfast, cake and a present after dinner. Your daughter is old enough to understand that her dad does not want a big fuss made.

People are different. Have you actually asked him how he would like to celebrate his birthday, or are you just projecting your idea of fun onto him? Some people would rather less fuss, and just a quiet day, and some people would rather ignore it completely. This could either be because it's how he's been brought up, or because he finds it depressing for some reason. It is HIS decision how to celebrate his birthday.

You're making it about you by feeling disappointed that he didn't give you the praise/excitement/gratitude you feel you deserved for the effort you put in.

It is nice that you want to make an effort, but the effort should be towards something he will actually like.

If you know he's always miserable on his birthday, why on earth do you keep making a fuss and making him celebrate it? It probably makes him feel worse! Nothing's worse than forced merriment when you really don't feel like it. You're putting pressure on him to act a certain way on the one day of the year he should be able to act how he wants.

My Dd never liked fuss she hated being centre of attention i would never force her into "fun situations" you have to manage things like Birthdays and Christmas.

If people found out the parents knew the child doesn't like birthdays and hates a fuss, they'd quite rightly tell the parents they were selfish to impose that on their child just because it made THEM happy.

It’s not the same though is it. If the 8 year old didn’t want to celebrate their birthday and the parent organised a party the parent would be in the wrong for putting the child in that situation on the first place.

If it was a neighbour or someone not close to the dc to know them well enough the parent should step in and say oh thank you for the gift, it’s really kind of you I’m sorry if that’s not the reaction you were hoping for but DC really hates her birthday

Surely you'd have the common sense though to not repeat the same thing every year knowing it makes the child miserable, and then complain said child is miserable?

I think you need to re frame it for next year, do cards maybe in the morning don't hype your dd then she won't be dissapointed or upset, I know we should make an effort for children but her dad is uneasy and feels awkward, and nobody is happy.

Love it! 🤣🤣

Why? They'd just not get cakes and fuss going forward

Children wouldn't get away with behaving like that when someone gives them a gift. Can you imagine someone posting here to say "I organised a cake and presents for my 8yo's birthday, she looked miserable, said "thanks" flatly and sloped off to her room" - the number of comments calling the child a little shit and ungrateful and the parents' fault would be astronomical.

It's only middle aged men who get indulged for this type of churlish behaviour.

I’ve always hated celebrating my birthdays. I only had 1 party as a child for my 7th birthday. I was being SA and was raped in my bedroom after my party. So maybe he has some trauma he doesn’t want to talk about.