Dh always miserable on birthday

Yep, my OH is like this and it really stresses me out as I think it must be because he’s not happy with what I have done or his gift. Every year I feel the stress snowballs so there is no enjoyment for anyone. Already really dreading next year when it’s a ‘big’ birthday.

I think it is really bad manners and showing a huge lack of consideration not to warmly thank a young child who has put effort into making you a birthday card and is clearly excited about making you happy on your birthday.

Even if you don't like the card, even if you're not a morning person, even if you don't like a fuss, even if it's your birthday and all you want to do is mope. A little child is showing you love in the way they know how. That's a beautiful thing and should be appreciated.

If he really finds birthday celebrations depressing then he can use his words and tell you how he would like the day to go. He has just got a whole year older and should be old enough to communicate by now.

I have no patience for men like this. Its your child showing you love, on your Birthda! If you can't find pleasure in that, or at least show some gratitude, you really are a miserable sod

I can only speak for myself, but after years of it being done just to please others, it gets boring,knowing you have to fake it every year.
Oh they love it the kids love it do it for the kids do it for the family ect , yes they love it I dont.

Over the years I couldn't deal with the fuss and dreading the day coming.
Now its just me and its peaceful.

My birthday is this month. I really really don't know why but I am always and consistently quite down around the time of my birthday. Just in general. I don't know if it the end of a long hard winter (I really struggle with the cold etc...) or what it is but for many years I have just been utterly miserable by the end of March when my birthday is. I

I really relate to the song Birthday by Blur.

I have been like this since a teen, now early 50s and as I say, I don't understand it really. It may be compounded a bit by being with someone for the last 25 years who never did anything for my birthday so I felt even more shit. I really don't know.

I go all out for my children's birthdays but I just really feel miserable on mine. Maybe he is the same and just can't make himself fake it this year.

OP you shouldn’t be centring his bday around a small child’s enjoyment.

He shouldn’t be rude but if it’s happened before, then you need to tone it down for the sake of your DD. It’s you that has hyped it up for the child, only for DH to dash them.

By that, I don’t mean you’ve gone all out and ordered a brass band. But that your young DD has put a lot of time, energy and love into the cake and the card she made. When it didn’t seem like it’s well received, then your DD will be hurt.

Both parents are to blame here. You knew he is a misery, therefore in future….shop bought card and cake. Any celebrations after work and don’t get your DD excited. Don’t put any pressure on your DD to get all hyped for it. Your husband also needs to be told, that he needs to suck it up and sort out his attitude. Tell him in advance, next year is supermarket cake and card and he will be bloody grateful for it.

And OP is on here moaning to strangers when it would be best to speak directly with him.

The thing is though that her husband doesn't seem to know what he wants. Sadly. I think he sounds really depressed.

Yep. I think the issue here is that the OP doesn't see this as a big fuss... whereas some others do.

you can control how he feels so let him be miserable.

I agree, I wish it was! :)

Me too.

Someone singing happy birthday to me first thing in the morning would piss me off, apart from cringing.
Cake in the morning no thanks.

Everyone Is different, but I cant stand a big fuss.

Tbh singing and cake and balloons along with morning coffee before work sounds a bit of a headfuck. Plenty of people would do this stuff in the daytime or evening rather than when someone needs to go to work or had just woken up.

Though it's still sweet of you of course. I just think maybe you were focussing on your child's enjoyment rather than the person who's birthday it was.

If he's permanently miserable and you think he has a personality disorder, do you want to stay married to him?

Quite.

But there are multiple Christmas threads on here annually about "DC was so ungrateful just like s/he is every year blah blah blah" so evidently there are plenty of parents who do continue to insist on a big fuss knowing the child hates it.

If not for you, then for his daughter he could have made an effort to appreciate what his wife and his daughter did for him. This triggers me - mine was the same but for some reason it was more on my children’s birthdays and mine he behaved this way. Depression happens to a lot of people but self-absorbed behaviour is a manipulation tool. It’s not like it was big surprise party - it was something thoughtful by those who love him most. X

Imagine 30 years down the line, daughter left home years ago, husband says in exasperation, “Why are you still doing this shit?!”, OP answers, “but daughter loves it!”…….

Kids often really love birthdays, my daughter is the same, but she's old enough now to be taught that not everyone shares her enthusiasms for everything. From his perspective he just doesn't enjoy it and you can't always contort yourself for a child's sake - you can't make him. You would and I would, for the sake of a birthday cake - but you can't make someone else. Just accept he doesn't enjoy it and stop doing it. Explain to your daughter he's a bit of a misery guts - light-heartedly - and redirect what you're doing into other things to keep facilitating her joy.

I would ask if he does these things with her on your birthday because that's really miserly if his dislike of fuss on his birthday means he doesn't make the effort for you or your daughter.

Why can't he please himself on his birthday? Just because you want to make everything about DD, doesn't mean he has to spend that day faking that he wants all that stuff when he doesn't and you know he actively dislikes it. It's a bit shit tbh, to make a fuss just because you want to "for DD". If you really wanted him to have the birthday he'd like (in his miserable way), you'd ignore it and do the bare minimum. DD can learn that people are different. It won't harm her.

But you aren’t showing him you care! You’re doing something he doesn’t like or want. That isn’t showing someone you care at all. It’s the opposite of showing someone you care.

Jeez. Can’t he be arsed to make an effort for the little one, even if he hates the fuss?

That’s surely part of the job description for being a good parent to young kids?

As he’s done it before, I’d have probably told him the night before of the plan and my expectations of his behaviour. I can’t stand sulky men or women for that matter.

Luckily, my DH loves making a fuss for the kids and grandkids and wouldn’t dream of letting the side down.

I think some people do struggle with their birthdays for valid reasons of course, but those people still show some appreciation for the effort and explain their mood and why. Over time in a healthy relationship, there will be learning on both sides to anticipate and work around the issues.

However, this is behaviour that is definitely recognisable from some individuals I have had relationships with. (Not just romantic) And you might find some information that strikes a chord if you google ‘Why can’t a narcissist enjoy their birthday?’

From my experience, sometimes you can’t make it perfect no matter how hard you try. Any effort you put in isn’t allowed to be recognised, as that would prove you to be the ‘best’ one. And if you put in no effort, then that proves themselves to be the victim and they can relish in the drama of that. It can be a lose lose situation.

The power play is all in their heads of course. Maybe if the King threw them a public party to tell them how brilliant they are, that might make them happy… but normal, unselfish, intimate family happiness… never going to make the grade.

Obviously, I don’t know all the information or the history - just that I recognise that behaviour in my personal experience.

I think YABU.

I’m not a morning person and I would hate cake early in the morning. Literally wouldn’t be able to stomach it. And I wouldn’t want fuss and singing etc at that time of day. A birthday gift to me would be a peaceful morning.

I think you should have saved the fuss til after work. If your DH doesn’t want a fuss at all, then no fuss is a better present.

It’s all very well to say “I do it for DD” - it’s not her birthday!

How would you know?

How about you talk about it?

If he is a perpetual victim then that is another issue .

Pleased I could clarify.