Dh always miserable on birthday

My DH isn't much better. I don't think he likes getting older.

I think if your partner clearly doesn't like something or has said no thanks. You need to leave it. Not rope your child in to emotionally blackmail or create a pretence to get what you want.

even if it is a birthday.

Does he even want to celebrate his birthday?

Is it that birthdays fall a bit flat in general? You’ve said you don’t do big gestures but birthdays should be fun. Is this your idea of a nice birthday surprise or his? Maybe he would rather have done something grown up to celebrate with friends or just had a nice day out somewhere. Feigning excitement over a cake for the benefit of your young daughter and then going to work as usual may have felt like a bit of an anticlimax. Life is hard with young dc, could it be that he is struggling a bit? Are you seeing everything that’s going on with him? Does he do similar for your birthday and make an effort?

Have you asked him what his birthdays were like as a child? Maybe things he’d rather forget are coming back to him.

Just do a birthday menu where each person can select what they want in the weeks running up to their birthday. A checklist of card, balloons, singing, cake, party, suprise, gifts, peace and quiet, alone time, morning or evening etc. DD can have fun designing it. DH can be responsible for his choices.

But make sure you WhatsApp him the decision so he can’t say next year
“I never said I didn’t want no fuss”

make sure the decision is in writing so you can scroll back and point out “this is exactly what you said”

So stop setting your child up for a failed venture each year!
Ask your DH what he’d prefer you to do - ignore it, give him space in the morning, whatever; and then turn that into yours and DD’s little game of how you keep Daddy happy on his birthday.
A good lesson for her about how not everyone is the same and people don’t always enjoy the same things.

Well yes she could but OP has already said he would be worse if they did nothing.
She has also pointedly refused to answer questions about whether she has ever discussed it or just assumed he would be so I'm drawing my own conclusions from that silence.

OP, sometimes people really struggle to enjoy their birthday as there were issues growing up. What is his relationship like with his parents? I HATE celebrating my birthday and feel miserable because I feel guilty about making the day about me. So when people make a fuss I feel awkward and sad. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and an absent father.

Well yes she could but OP has already said he would be worse if they did nothing.

And whilst it might be the worse thing in the world for him his DD is little so he can slap on a face, go “oh wow thank you baby” and talk to his wife later on.

And perhaps that is the way to go, not continue making an effort for someone who has a face like a wet weekend in child friendly terms say to daughter “yeah fuck it” next year.

There is no point dancing around trying to do something nice for someone to have it thrown back in your face year after year, he doesn’t want this, he doesn’t want nothing either. So what the fuck does he want?

He still could have said thank you to his little daughter it wasn’t her fault at all.

Or....

If the OP knows he didn't enjoy the birthday fuss that her and her daughter made the year before, SHE could be the one to ask him if he actually wants balloons, cake etc before she goes and does it all anyway?

Could he not say, because it would take all of two minutes
“oh thank you baby the cake is amazing and you know what can we save the presents and cake until later because I have to go to work now, but I will have a great day knowing there is this cake and presents, these both for me? When I get home and have time to enjoy them properly”

or is that too difficult for some parents?

I think some people don't find it easy to feel they have to "perform" a certain way - especially if deep down he's thinking the whole idea is for him to enjoy himself and it is kind of achieving the opposite.

My DH hates things feeling forced. He never books a meal on Valentines as to him its just performative and awkward. I do notice that normally about a week later he says something like "I noticed such and such restaurant has been getting great reviews. I wonder if I should book for us this weekend?"

I think sometimes we just have to accept people have their own ways of reacting. What does he like doing - even if its something you all do a lot? Maybe just try doing that, perhaps with a gift and a cup of tea and a slice of his favourite cake when you come in? He might just find the balloon and candle stuff a bit depressing.

EYA also it is good for your dc to learn we all like different things.

If he doesn’t want it he could slap on a happy face for his child and later on mention it to his wife like a fucking adult. You know talk things through with your spouse.

But he chose, yes chose, to deflate the effort his child had put in. That’s on him. Selfish prick.

Well if he thought that was a bad birthday it would be nothing to how I would lay into him after child had gone to bed. If my H, dad to our two boys, had behaved like this when they were young (he wouldn’t he kept a pet rock they gave him from school with some note about holding it if you are missing us on it for years) his birthday would end with him sitting alone, because frankly that would be all he deserved, after a strip had been torn off him about what an ungrateful fun-sapping sponge he was.

The only Mother’s Day I have ever needed (we only really do Mother’s Day for grandma) was when one March Sunday morning we heard this clattering up the stairs, they were young, 8/6 or something and they had embarked on “breakfast in bed for mummy” - up they clattered with a tray of a cup of tea (grey in colour) and two pieces of toast (on the burnt side) - they were shaking with pride and looked as cute as could be. The tea and toast were dreadful, god they were bad, but their effort and thought was the best present in the world. I don’t get it as a parent to sit there deliberately grumpy and unimpressed to drain the enjoyment from your child when they have tried to do something nice just for you. I will never understand it. And I would never have accepted it from H either.

This does sound as though you prioritise DD's needs over his, if he's trying to get ready for work...?

You keep mentioning your DD, it’s not her birthday! No one should be forced to celebrate just to make someone else happy. If he doesn’t like his birthday then stop making a fuss, explain to your DD not everyone wants a fuss and leave him to it

This is how I manage it. DC don't know when my birthday is. They vaguely know it's in the summer and that's it. If they ever asked specifically for the date and actually remembered it themselves then I would react appropriately. But if DH told them in order to set up some celebration I didn't want that would be shit of him.

I think you are unfair to force it on him. She is little she won’t know it’s his birthday unless she is told. So don’t tell her.

Surely he could just fake some appreciation for his 7 year old daughter's sake as she had gone to the effort of trying to do something nice for him on his birthday?

Doesn't matter how he feels, he can ignore it or fret over it internally or with you as much as he wants - but he's missing a key thing about being a parent, which is showing enthusiasm to make a child feel happy and appreciated.

I can't believe that people would just do the same year after year?!

Surely if you made a fuss for a birthday and your DH / DP didn't appreciate it, you'd just say to them "Look you don't appear to enjoy us celebrating your birthday so we can scale it back / do sod all next year if you prefer?".

I don't understand how some couples just don't communicate with conversations at all!

Have you actually asked him how he feels or what he wants on his birthday?