Dh always miserable on birthday

Judged it as absolutely what happened? No. Judged it as a strong possibility absolutely. All she has said in any responses is that he's always grumpy and she's certain he'd be worse with no fuss at all and how much her DD likes to make a fuss. No confirmation at all that she has ever actually discussed it with him.

Really? Simply because she hasn't been back you immediately leap to the judgement that she has ignored his wishes? Do you honestly think that she would put her child in that position? I think it's fanciful to leap to the assumption you have. I think she knows her husband. I doubt very much she would do it if he hadn't liked it before.
To be honest if I were the OP this would be one of the last straws. I would demand he get therapy for his depression or whatever it is, or I would walk. I would not ever want to see that hurt in my daughter's eyes again.

Given that OP has refused to come back and ignored multiple questions asking if she has ever asked him what he wants there's every chance he has said so and she's ridden roughshod over those wishes because her daughter's need to make a fuss is apparently more important.

So no, he shouldn't have been short with his daughter but neither should OP have put her daughter in that position.

Oh for fucks sake! The OP is NOT being controlling! If he didn't want it, he could have said so!!! He is a grown adult! There is NO EXCUSE for hurting your own child!

No, it's vile to hurt your own child!

Then WHY DOESN'T HE FKING SAY SOMETHING!!!? Instead of causing his little girl to feel so hurt and rejected He's an adult, for fuck sake! You don't do that to your child!

If he didn't want it, he COULD HAVE SAID SO! Years ago. He could have told his wife. But...no. He hurt his child instead. OP's posts suggests he's just a miserable so and so. I absolutely loathe and detest my birthday. But to my mum and others, it's important to them. So I plaster on a happy face, and get in the mood. I would never want my child to feel like shit. He is an adult that can say what he wants/doesn't want to his own wife, he does NOT HAVE TO make his little girl feel so small like her dad doesn't appreciate her love and thoughtfulness. And turn away and not see the hurt and bewilderment in her eyes.

Cheers, I'll chuck my 45 year marriage out the window because he doesn't like his birthday. He likes other people's birthdays and used to like his, probably an age thing. And i probably was a bit unfair, we are old now, we have everything we want and if we do want something we buy it, so presents are a bit superfluous. But hes not spontaneous , thats just him. We rub along ok, thanks.

But it was all the ops doing the husband didnt arrange or ask for it the op decided what was to happen to another person

The op is being controlling

It is performative nonsense if a simple thank you isn’t enough of a response.

Most kids have no idea when their parents birthday is, so if the day went unmarked the child would probably have no idea and just got on with her day. No disappointment required. Similarly, if OP had said it’s dad’s birthday tomorrow why don’t you make him a card and left it at that. His thank you in the morning wouldn’t have seemed flat. The child didn’t bake a cake and blow up balloons herself. OP got her child excited because it’s ‘tradition’ and they set up the night before and the morning. She created a whole set of expectations knowing his birthday makes him feel down.

But the OP's husband doesn't want all the fuss and show for his birthday, and birthday cake for breakfast etc.... If the daughter is excited, it's because her mother (the OP) has taught/trained her to be. Why on earth is she persisting with this ritual every year when she knows her husband hates it? It's utterly bizarre. No wonder he is miserable. I would be too if I was him. The OP is doing something EVERY YEAR ON HIS BIRTHDAY that he doesn't want!

Doesn't sound like you and your DH are compatible. Why are you spending your life with someone who you clearly have different sets of values to? If my DH (when I first met him) was not arsed about birthdays, (and never made a fuss of mine,) hated Christmas and Valentines Day, and wasn't arsed about Mothers Day etc, I would not be with him... (Coz let's face it, the type of people who poo-poo birthdays/CBA with them etc, are always the same with Mothers Day, Valentines Day, and Christmas and so on.... ) I couldn't spend my life with someone who is so down on everything.

Birthdays can be a time of reflection, and it might trigger some sad thoughts. People can also have expectations that others around them might not be aware of. I would try to find out what makes him feel down.

"Performative nonsense"?? His child making him a card, a cake and singing Happy Birthday?
Do you really think that?
Surely a good, caring dad could just fake it for the sake of his child who has made the effort?

Honestly, some of the posts of this thread are insane. 🤯

Such a weird thought process. He said thank you.

Vile thing to say

Perhaps he’s sick to the back teeth of this performative nonsense every year and has given up hoping that his wishes on his very own birthday will be respected.

Wow, I forgot this was AIBU on Mumsnet where everyone is angry and miserable all the time.
How awful that a small kid helped make a nice cake for her dad, hand made him a card & sang him Happy Birthday on his birthday. She should have known that he was a stroppy arse and that was going to "upset" him. Poor fella, it must have been terrible for him. 🙄

It’s not really ‘nice’ though is it. I much prefer to teach my children how to do nice things for people that they actually have an interest in rather than nice things society deems normal.

He wasn’t ungrateful either OP said he said thank you. But if you were given a pair of earrings when you didn’t have your ears pierced, concert tickets to a band you don’t like, a meal at a steak house if your a vegan how grateful would you be? She knows his birthday makes him down yet seemingly hasn’t bothered to find out if or how he would like to celebrate it. I don’t think it’s particularly caring to force your idea of fun on someone else and then get upset when they don’t perform to your standards. I for one will continue to teach my children that people have individual wants and needs and it’s important to respect them.

I think what you did was really nice and I actually think it's important to show your DD that we care about other people and do thoughtful things for them on their birthday.

It's a nice, "normal" thing to do and to ignore his day would be odd.

He's an adult with a small child, ffs, not a sulky teenager, would it have killed him to have faked a bit of joy and happiness in front of her? It's what we do as parents isn't it?
I would talk to him about it and find out why he was so seemingly ungrateful in front of his child. Is there more going on than just "not liking birthdays"?

What was his childhood like OP? I ask because my partner hated his birthday and didn't want to celebrate, turned out his parents never gave a fuck about celebrating his birthday not even when he was a child so by the time he was an adult and he had a partner who made an effort to celebrate him he just found it weird and awkward and it used to frustrate him that he couldn't find the joy in it. It took him a while but he got there.

It is relevant in that it provides an explanation for the behaviour.
I don’t understand your need to be unpleasant, on a uncontroversial thread.

Need more context here as your post seemed unfinished. Is he always like this on his birthday? Is he actually saying he doesn’t like it? If so, can he tell you why?
People can dislike their birthdays for many reasons- fear of getting older, reminder of lost loved ones (my birthday last year was my first since my mum passed so it was a struggle to put a brave face on), bad memories (of never getting the gifts you wanted or any gifts at all, or maybe parents always got drunk or fought with each other at family occasions). Maybe he’s dissatisfied with where he is in life in terms of career, hobbies, friendships or health. Some people don’t want to be centre of attention. Birthdays also change when you become a parent and maybe he’s a bit immature and doesn’t get spoiled as much now as he used to as a child. Or he realises he can’t just go off to the pub or club and celebrate with his friends like he used to when he was younger because he has responsibilities. Well, maybe he can, but nothing is as spontaneous as it can be pre children. Maybe he’d have liked to go for an impromptu meal out or weekend away with you. Is he estranged from anyone that he is missing and would usually have seen on his birthday? My dad always gets a bit melancholy cos he would always get a call from his sister in Canada on his birthday but she’s passed away now. Birthdays can make people reflective about their lives in ways that they aren’t usually.
Talk to him, try to get to the bottom of it. You can’t force him to like it. If your child is really young he won’t know what day it is so you don’t really ‘have’ to celebrate it for his sake.

Its not upsetting me 😂
I find it peculiar because yet again you are spouting irrelevant nonsense

What has you being s counsellor got to do with the actual thread 😂 Nothing

No, has relevance to my experience as a counsellor. Why is this upsetting you so much?