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Nursery owner power trip: Was I in the wrong?

90 replies

SeaMist7 · 03/03/2026 20:26

The Situation:
My 17-month-old son just returned to nursery after a week off sick. He was understandably very upset and struggling to settle while I was taking his coat off and putting his nursery shoes on. To distract him during the transition, I picked up an apple from a refreshment tray in the lobby (meant for adults) and gave it to him just to hold. It worked immediately and helped him calm down.

The Conflict:
The nursery owner (who I pay £1,600/month) confronted me with a very sharp, unprofessional tone. She said they don't give the children whole apples. When I explained that I had only given it to him to hold as a distraction, she sternly asked me if I had brought it from home or taken it from the front.

I responded and told her I grabbed it from the front; she snapped at me and said those were for the adults. She then asked in a very pissy way if I wanted them to cut it up for him. I said no, as I had already explained it was just a momentary distraction and he would be having his normal nursery breakfast shortly.

In all this, had she framed this as a safety concern (i.e., a choking risk), I would have fully understood and agreed. However, it was clearly framed as a cost issue because I had taken an "adult's apple."

The Impact:
Without saying anything else, she went back into the nursery room and grabbed the apple specifically to thrust it back at me. Because she opened the door to do this, my son saw me right as he had started to calm down. This caused him to become unsettled and upset all over again, which I feel was completely avoidable.

My colleagues are telling me not to raise it unless it happens again, asking what I expect to achieve—but I feel I was spoken to inappropriately and my son's transition was move difficult because of her actions.

Should I let it go or raise it with her?

OP posts:
MrsR87 · 04/03/2026 07:29

I’d be much more concerned about the cherry tomatoes.

Koulibiak · 03/03/2026 22:27

*schools even

Koulibiak · 03/03/2026 22:23

Some nursery owners and staff, and childcare providers, have really missed out on their true vocation as cops. I have friends who have been sternly shushed for cheering on their child taking their very first steps at Monkey Music, or for singing too loudly. Our own nursery providers were surly, racist women who thought anyone whose first language isn’t English is, by definition, a bit dim and probably dishonest (they twice accused me of lying for no reason whatsoever). They insisted we should only speak English to our children (against all language learning advice). They advised us that DD was probably not suited for selective schoosl - fast forward a few years, and she is now predicted 42 (ie full marks) at IB. She also got 10 x 9GCSEs.

I have not forgotten the contempt with which they treated us (can you tell 😂). Some people just need to assert their authority, however misconceived it may be, because they derive some pleasure out of it. It’s a very petty character trait.

Cel77 · 03/03/2026 22:16

SeaMist7 · 03/03/2026 20:26

The Situation:
My 17-month-old son just returned to nursery after a week off sick. He was understandably very upset and struggling to settle while I was taking his coat off and putting his nursery shoes on. To distract him during the transition, I picked up an apple from a refreshment tray in the lobby (meant for adults) and gave it to him just to hold. It worked immediately and helped him calm down.

The Conflict:
The nursery owner (who I pay £1,600/month) confronted me with a very sharp, unprofessional tone. She said they don't give the children whole apples. When I explained that I had only given it to him to hold as a distraction, she sternly asked me if I had brought it from home or taken it from the front.

I responded and told her I grabbed it from the front; she snapped at me and said those were for the adults. She then asked in a very pissy way if I wanted them to cut it up for him. I said no, as I had already explained it was just a momentary distraction and he would be having his normal nursery breakfast shortly.

In all this, had she framed this as a safety concern (i.e., a choking risk), I would have fully understood and agreed. However, it was clearly framed as a cost issue because I had taken an "adult's apple."

The Impact:
Without saying anything else, she went back into the nursery room and grabbed the apple specifically to thrust it back at me. Because she opened the door to do this, my son saw me right as he had started to calm down. This caused him to become unsettled and upset all over again, which I feel was completely avoidable.

My colleagues are telling me not to raise it unless it happens again, asking what I expect to achieve—but I feel I was spoken to inappropriately and my son's transition was move difficult because of her actions.

Should I let it go or raise it with her?

How do we accept attitude like this from grown-up people who should know how to behave around others? That would be a deal breaker for me.
She needs to realise it doesn't reflect well at all on her.
I don't think I'd want my child to be in her care .

SeaMist7 · 03/03/2026 22:02

@VacationQueen73 at christmas they invited all the parents over. When the kids sat down for their tea, they were served cheese sandwiches with 3 or 4 small cherry tomato's on the side. At the time, I said to my husband we need to raise this. But as we went straight into thr Christmas period, in all honesty it slipped my mind until now

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 03/03/2026 21:59

SeaMist7 · 03/03/2026 21:01

Thanks all, really helpful to get options from an impartial group. I completely agree that the children's safety is number 1 priority and I would never want to put that at risk. What is strange is they give them whole cherry tomato's to eat which imo is a bigger risk

That’s a big risk yes!

readingmakesmehappy · 03/03/2026 21:57

nah, she was being a dick. I’d have been raging about that too. You know your child and you know what will help him settle. She should have been right there beside you welcoming him back.

VacationQueen73 · 03/03/2026 21:55

Can't get over the whole cherry tomatoes..are you certain? How do you know? That needs addressing immediately. So so dangerous and the EYFS was changed last year to include stuff like this. Childcare settings are not allowed to serve potential choking hazards to children. Obviously.
In regard to the bitch manager I would let it go this time but if you're like me I would never forget her rude actions and hold a grudge forever 😂

tealandteal · 03/03/2026 21:54

Honestly I would chalk the apple up to a bad day and see what her tone is like in future.

i would raise the cherry tomatoes though as every setting I have seen insist they are cut up the same as grapes.

What are nursery shoes?

marcyhermit · 03/03/2026 21:51

If you take out the tone bit, she offered to cut up the apple, you said he wasn't going to eat it, so she gave it back to you?

Either way, it doesn't sound like an issue to fall out over.

CrocusesFlowering · 03/03/2026 21:47

Whole cherry tomatoes are a serious choking hazard. I would definitely discuss that with them.

JLou08 · 03/03/2026 21:44

I'd be raising it. If she loses her ability to be professional and appropriately manage transition over an apple, what is she like when children are being children eg tantrums, taking risks, hitting others. I'd be really worried that she doesn't have the patience to work with young children.

Bewareofstepfords · 03/03/2026 21:34

BollyMolly · 03/03/2026 21:04

No one wants to eat an apple that a toddler has been playing with. That’s not the only problem anyway.

Whatever the perceived risk to toddler (from the whole fruit landing on his toes?!) or to owner's profit margin the OP should not have been spoken to in such a condescending manner.
In business there are professional ways of putting people straight.

SeaMist7 · 03/03/2026 21:23

@RosesAndHellebores this is what I wish I had done

OP posts:
SeaMist7 · 03/03/2026 21:21

@firstofallimadelight maybe my message wasnt clear in the intro. I took him into the room, handed him to the staff member who took the apple off him and put it in a bowl to the side, out of sight

OP posts:
SeaMist7 · 03/03/2026 21:19

@Nickyknackered no. when I handed him over to the member of staff on duty, she took it off him and put it to the side in a little bowl. He gave it to her, no fuss.

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 03/03/2026 21:19

Nickyknackered · 03/03/2026 21:14

Well you gave him the apple to stop him crying and this just meant he wiukd cry for the nursery staff instead when they took it off him.

I have this issue when parents let them come to mine with all sorts of unsuitable things.... coins, batteries, devices, a lighter(!).... He wouldn't let me take it 🙄ok now let me be the bad guy!

Also children have to be seated and watched whilst they eat, I do not allow children to walk in eating and unsupervised wandering around with their fruit.

I agree I think the owner was officious because OP took a risk into the room and then didn’t remove it ..so she had to and gently introduced a safety explanation

firstofallimadelight · 03/03/2026 21:18

It sounds like you gave it to him and then left the room?
I can see why she’s a bit miffed from a having toddler wandering round with an apple it’s not ideal. The fact that it’s the adults fruit is ridiculous.
she sounds like a arse but if you are otherwise happy I’d roll my eyes and move on

Nickyknackered · 03/03/2026 21:14

Well you gave him the apple to stop him crying and this just meant he wiukd cry for the nursery staff instead when they took it off him.

I have this issue when parents let them come to mine with all sorts of unsuitable things.... coins, batteries, devices, a lighter(!).... He wouldn't let me take it 🙄ok now let me be the bad guy!

Also children have to be seated and watched whilst they eat, I do not allow children to walk in eating and unsupervised wandering around with their fruit.

RosesAndHellebores · 03/03/2026 21:13

One of DS's teachers when he was about 7/8 confronted me with a sharp and scolding tone once. Without thinking my response was "Miss Jones, I am 43, not 8." It was about a similar non issue and I raised it woth the Head. It was one of the reasons why we moved ds and the woman's poor teaching and an ethos that allowed the nonsense to prevail

Bunnie007 · 03/03/2026 21:12

SeaMist7 · 03/03/2026 21:01

Thanks all, really helpful to get options from an impartial group. I completely agree that the children's safety is number 1 priority and I would never want to put that at risk. What is strange is they give them whole cherry tomato's to eat which imo is a bigger risk

The cherry tomatoes should be the thing you are raising with them- this is a huge choke risk and I’m stunned any nursery would be serving them whole

Mulledjuice · 03/03/2026 21:08

CharlieCoCo · 03/03/2026 20:57

How is cutting up an apple less of a safety risk than a whole apple? It isnt a grape , they cant swallow it whole. A chunk of apple they can but a whole one they bite off a bit.

They can bite off chunks that could choke them.

We're supposed to grate or very finely slice it.

FryingPam · 03/03/2026 21:07

I think it wasn’t the best idea to take this apple, children having food (and potentially running off with it unnoticed and taking a bite unsupervised) is a safety risk. Food is also not a toy and the apple might be wasted - your child only held it, mine would have nibbled on it. However, she should know how to handle a situation professionally and if she made you feel uncomfortable then the same thing might happen with the children.

Ballooney · 03/03/2026 21:06

Why would she have offered to cut it if she saw it as a cost issue? There are different liability concerns if one was taken from the nursery and god forbid something happened.

The nursery owner (who I pay £1,600/month)

I mean she doesnt just pocket everyones money for her own use.

SeaMist7 · 03/03/2026 21:05

Also just to clarify, the fruit at the front is there for parents to take and eat when they do drop off. Im not taking or touching something that's laid out for someone else

OP posts:
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