To feel like a failure - children out of school.

I know this thread is from a few months ago, but I came across it and I'm now in this situation with my children. They are both so young though, 7 and 5, I feel so alone and judged.

It's really hard but this is not on you. You have not failed.
Do your kids have any diagnoses? EHCPs? What support have school offered/put in place so far?

Multiple diagnoses (not all confirmed yet) - DD7 ASD with PDA profile, ADHD, ARFID, DS5 ASD with PDA profile, ADHD, dyspraxia. Totally different presentations but both mask at school. My daughter hasn't been in school since April, just going through draft EHCP stage but we are going to need to appeal again for EOTAS. DS has just started year 1 but have just had to stop trying as school can't seem to provide the adjustments needed (small school, not enough resources), EHCNA process is just starting for him. Have already appealed 3 times this year and think could be 5 by the end of the year! LA is very tricky.

I sympathise.
I have 15yo eldest ASD with ARFID, physical issues and suspected ADHD too. Has an EHCP thankfully so mostly EOTAS now.
Youngest 12yo ASD with PDA, currently appealing the second refusal to assess for EHCP. It's clear to everyone except the LA that full time school just isn't possible.

We spent about 2 years with a SENCO who just didn't understand and blamed us as parents because obviously it was our fault youngest couldn't go to school. At that point eldest had 100% attendance so still trying to make that make sense...

I feel for you, I really do. And all I can say is keep going, and keep reminding yourself that you are doing all you can for your children. We are still waiting for an EHCP draft nearly a year after applying. I think one of our main jobs as parents in this situation is to somehow keep ourselves sane.

Thank you - all I can do is keep going, even though everything is such a fight and I keep being made to jump over increasingly high bars to prove how much we're struggling. Trying to stay sane. The days just feel so long.

Same except mine firing gave an autism diagnosis. School are registering as ‘unauthorised’ despite them admitting they know it’s a medical issue due to anxiety around the school environment. I’m dibs fighting with them, to get some help, with services that just down their food on you, and with the finger continually being pointed. I’m losing sleep, it’s affecting my work, am at breaking point

@Harpler unless you had to appeal, and I appreciate you may have (and even if you have, they may still be in breach), the LA is in breach of the statutory timescales. If chasing the LA hasn’t worked, you can look at a pre-action letter.

@Fiftyandme if you want to challenge the decision, write to the school requesting the absences are authorised. Remind them the Regulations (School Attendance (Pupil Registration) (England) Regulations 2024) make it clear where a pupil is absent because they are unable to attend due to sickness the absence must be regarded as authorised. DfE’s statutory attendance guidance also states absence due to illness, both physical and mental health related, must be coded as I.

If it is relevant to you, go on to say that as DC is not receiving an alternative education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 and an EHCNA has not been requested for the school and LA could have done and still can do more to support DC.

Finish by giving them a reasonable deadline to reply. I would copy in the school’s headteacher and the Director of children’s services at the LA too.

If you have already done all this, I would follow the complaints process.

In some cases, judicial review can be an option.

MY 15 year old is upstairs in bed and she is not in school at the moment. She had a full mental health breakdown in January of this year. She became mute at home and was unable to leave her bed, open her curtains, turn on any lights etc.. It's been a LONG 9 months working with a psychiatrist who specialises in ASD kids. She now takes a cocktail of daily meds but we are still not optimised I don't think and psychiatrist has warned me to expect to need to see her until DD is an adult. Her period has totally floored her last week (so now we have GP booked for Monday to try and get something to stop / control them) and this week she has a cold and she is back mostly non-verbal again. We have her signed up for a very soft intro to college in January which is desgned for kids like her and we see the Home Ed lady tomorrow. I don't know what I could do differently and I have no idea what her future will look like but I generally feel like I am failing.

I need to organise a podiatrist to treat her ingrowing toe nails that I didn't know were bad because she didn't tell me until they were gnarly and infected and she can't take the antibiotic capsules and the GP seem to think I'm mad for asking for tablets. I am not sure she'll even let the podiatrist touch her feet but I have to do something. After that is fixed I'll need to get her a routine chiropodist appointment as clearly she can't manage her own feet. This is just one of like a hundred mini disasters over the last couple of years, it's never ending.

@TreeDudette if you don't mind, could you let me know what the GP suggests for the periods please?
One of mine is regularly floored and GPs only suggestion has been the pill which just will not fly.

@TreeDudette you say you are seeing the Home Ed lady tomorrow. I trust you are aware that you do not have to let them into your home. As it stands right now they cannot legally demand access to your home. You can still cancel this and ask for everything to remain in writing and write a report for them. Please be very cautious over anything you say. The meeting might go well from your point of view but they could declare it didn’t and because there is nothing in writing you can’t prove otherwise. Just be aware they are not your friend and all they care about is that your child is receiving an adequate education. If you haven’t already joined HEFA (home education for all) please do as you can find all the info you need there regarding your legal rights and what is required of you as a home edder.
Also her future can still be bright it just might take a little longer to get her there than you were hoping, but that is ok. Everything is still possible you’re just walking to a different drum right now. Good luck.

Take a look at https://nationalonlineschool.org.uk/ and consider whether that could work for either/both of them. They teach a wide range of academic lessons leading to GCSEs and other qualifications, and have (optional) pathways to support pupils who are working towards studying at an in-person school in future (though with plenty of students who have no such expectation)

This in my opinion is way better than going down the home education route. If you agree to HE the LA basically wash their hands of you and breathe a sigh of relief.