To feel like a failure - children out of school.

Communication & Interaction and Physical and Sensory are the other 2.

This isn't anything to do with you. It doesn't matter what you do. Mainstream school without appropriate adjustments is not suitable and they can't cope.

Maybe submit a request to assess for an EHCP yourself. Ask school to fully support it with a statement from them highlighting all the needs.

My son's school have just submitted an application. He cannot cope at all and it's daily detention which just feels ridiculous.

You could start writing out your parental statement gradually. I've just written one. I used the 4 SEN headings to outline strengths and support needs. I've forgotten what they are; cognition and learning is one. Mental health, social and emotional needs is another.

No you're not a failure. The system is failing your children.

I home educated my two when I was in a similar position to you. I have no. regrets.

See if you can get support via an EHCP.

I hear you. I have 2 autistic DC who both struggle hugely with school, both in the "persistently absent" attendance category.

You are not a failure. This is not on you.

Talk to your SENCO about an EHCNA and if they won't submit then do parent led applications.
But be prepared for a fight, I'm about to submit my second appeal of the process for my youngest. Whose needs can apparently be met "ordinarily" despite not being able to attend for a full week for more than 2 school years now

Im heading in this direction with my autistic dd. She is only 10 but severely anxious and we can’t get her into school at the moment. It is so so hard. There is no road map for what the next steps should be. I was saying to a colleague that if I’d just had my oldest child I would have thought I was a reasonably good parent, when really there is a huge element of good luck, but until youre in the situation you have no idea how challenging it can be and how much it makes you question your own judgment. Which is to say, you are not a failure, you just find yourself in an incredibly difficult situation for which there is no manual and actually very little real support. I wish I had some more useful advice but I feel equally out of my depth.

If you do one thing tomorrow get in touch with charity to get help.

I found National Autism Society brilliant.

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/branches

I feel you. I also work in education but had 2 children out of school at one point.

DC1 needed a change and thankfully settled well at their new secondary school, who were brilliant. And still are.

DC2 was a much tougher nut to crack. Autistic, school based trauma, burnout. Online learning didn’t really work. Ultimately needed a special school placement which we eventually got after he’d been out of school for over 2 years. He’s part time now but we’re hopeful he’ll be able to go full time soon and do qualifications etc.

What never worked was ‘just making them go’, ‘giving them no choice’ or ‘taking away all their electronics’. It needed time, patience and a lot of adjustments.

it was hell though. I went through cancer treatment last year and it honestly felt like a breeze comparatively!

please please do not feel like a failure. you are absolutely not.

the system is failing your children, not you. mainstream secondary schools are often sensory nightmares for autistic kids and it is heartbreaking when they just can't cope anymore.

you are doing the right thing by listening to them and prioritizing their mental health over attendance figures. that takes huge strength. school trauma takes a long time to heal so just be gentle with yourself. sending you huge hugs, it is such a lonely battle fighting for ehcps but you are their best advocate.

Is alternative provision in place? If not, have you requested it?

On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use to request EHCNAs.

I hear you. I’m a teacher with two dc, also both autistic. Dd school refused form year nine. We were lucky she got a place with a medical education team. My ds is coping with mainstream, mainly because he has a great senco and inclusion
centre.

What adjustments have the school put into place?

How old are your children? Have you had any support at all from school or the local authority?