To feel like a failure - children out of school.

Take a look at https://nationalonlineschool.org.uk/ and consider whether that could work for either/both of them. They teach a wide range of academic lessons leading to GCSEs and other qualifications, and have (optional) pathways to support pupils who are working towards studying at an in-person school in future (though with plenty of students who have no such expectation)

This in my opinion is way better than going down the home education route. If you agree to HE the LA basically wash their hands of you and breathe a sigh of relief.

@TreeDudette you say you are seeing the Home Ed lady tomorrow. I trust you are aware that you do not have to let them into your home. As it stands right now they cannot legally demand access to your home. You can still cancel this and ask for everything to remain in writing and write a report for them. Please be very cautious over anything you say. The meeting might go well from your point of view but they could declare it didn’t and because there is nothing in writing you can’t prove otherwise. Just be aware they are not your friend and all they care about is that your child is receiving an adequate education. If you haven’t already joined HEFA (home education for all) please do as you can find all the info you need there regarding your legal rights and what is required of you as a home edder.
Also her future can still be bright it just might take a little longer to get her there than you were hoping, but that is ok. Everything is still possible you’re just walking to a different drum right now. Good luck.

@TreeDudette if you don't mind, could you let me know what the GP suggests for the periods please?
One of mine is regularly floored and GPs only suggestion has been the pill which just will not fly.

MY 15 year old is upstairs in bed and she is not in school at the moment. She had a full mental health breakdown in January of this year. She became mute at home and was unable to leave her bed, open her curtains, turn on any lights etc.. It's been a LONG 9 months working with a psychiatrist who specialises in ASD kids. She now takes a cocktail of daily meds but we are still not optimised I don't think and psychiatrist has warned me to expect to need to see her until DD is an adult. Her period has totally floored her last week (so now we have GP booked for Monday to try and get something to stop / control them) and this week she has a cold and she is back mostly non-verbal again. We have her signed up for a very soft intro to college in January which is desgned for kids like her and we see the Home Ed lady tomorrow. I don't know what I could do differently and I have no idea what her future will look like but I generally feel like I am failing.

I need to organise a podiatrist to treat her ingrowing toe nails that I didn't know were bad because she didn't tell me until they were gnarly and infected and she can't take the antibiotic capsules and the GP seem to think I'm mad for asking for tablets. I am not sure she'll even let the podiatrist touch her feet but I have to do something. After that is fixed I'll need to get her a routine chiropodist appointment as clearly she can't manage her own feet. This is just one of like a hundred mini disasters over the last couple of years, it's never ending.

@Harpler unless you had to appeal, and I appreciate you may have (and even if you have, they may still be in breach), the LA is in breach of the statutory timescales. If chasing the LA hasn’t worked, you can look at a pre-action letter.

@Fiftyandme if you want to challenge the decision, write to the school requesting the absences are authorised. Remind them the Regulations (School Attendance (Pupil Registration) (England) Regulations 2024) make it clear where a pupil is absent because they are unable to attend due to sickness the absence must be regarded as authorised. DfE’s statutory attendance guidance also states absence due to illness, both physical and mental health related, must be coded as I.

If it is relevant to you, go on to say that as DC is not receiving an alternative education under s.19 of the Education Act 1996 and an EHCNA has not been requested for the school and LA could have done and still can do more to support DC.

Finish by giving them a reasonable deadline to reply. I would copy in the school’s headteacher and the Director of children’s services at the LA too.

If you have already done all this, I would follow the complaints process.

In some cases, judicial review can be an option.

Same except mine firing gave an autism diagnosis. School are registering as ‘unauthorised’ despite them admitting they know it’s a medical issue due to anxiety around the school environment. I’m dibs fighting with them, to get some help, with services that just down their food on you, and with the finger continually being pointed. I’m losing sleep, it’s affecting my work, am at breaking point

Thank you - all I can do is keep going, even though everything is such a fight and I keep being made to jump over increasingly high bars to prove how much we're struggling. Trying to stay sane. The days just feel so long.

I feel for you, I really do. And all I can say is keep going, and keep reminding yourself that you are doing all you can for your children. We are still waiting for an EHCP draft nearly a year after applying. I think one of our main jobs as parents in this situation is to somehow keep ourselves sane.

I sympathise.
I have 15yo eldest ASD with ARFID, physical issues and suspected ADHD too. Has an EHCP thankfully so mostly EOTAS now.
Youngest 12yo ASD with PDA, currently appealing the second refusal to assess for EHCP. It's clear to everyone except the LA that full time school just isn't possible.

We spent about 2 years with a SENCO who just didn't understand and blamed us as parents because obviously it was our fault youngest couldn't go to school. At that point eldest had 100% attendance so still trying to make that make sense...

Multiple diagnoses (not all confirmed yet) - DD7 ASD with PDA profile, ADHD, ARFID, DS5 ASD with PDA profile, ADHD, dyspraxia. Totally different presentations but both mask at school. My daughter hasn't been in school since April, just going through draft EHCP stage but we are going to need to appeal again for EOTAS. DS has just started year 1 but have just had to stop trying as school can't seem to provide the adjustments needed (small school, not enough resources), EHCNA process is just starting for him. Have already appealed 3 times this year and think could be 5 by the end of the year! LA is very tricky.

It's really hard but this is not on you. You have not failed.
Do your kids have any diagnoses? EHCPs? What support have school offered/put in place so far?

I know this thread is from a few months ago, but I came across it and I'm now in this situation with my children. They are both so young though, 7 and 5, I feel so alone and judged.

One thing that helped me wasdd’s disgnosis of autism. I realised she had been masking but once she got to 13/14, the ‘rules’ of society and interactions change so much and become more complex and she couldn’t cope with that. I alway assumed there was a level of knowledfe by a young person that they were masking, but I have since learned sometimes there is no consciousness about it, which is why a crash seems to appear out of the blue. I now realise this is my dd.

Yes, it's the same here in that DC1 started struggling in year 8, but only this year, with GCSEs imminent, ended up completely crashing out of school.

I do have a younger one who is attending, which I agree does feel like a bit of a "See! It's DC1 not me" get out of jail card. I can only imagine the levels of judgement (self judgement or otherwise) sky rocket with two out of school.

Sorry to hear you are in this situation. I have two autistic kids (8 and 10) 8year old dd isn’t attending at all at the moment despite a small
nurturing school and 10 year old DS does four mornings a week after an 8 month burnout. It’s hard going and I’ve no idea where to go from here for dd. I’m in Scotland so not ehcp. I feel like a failure too but we’re not we’ve tried our best we really have!

Under section 19 of the Education Act 1996, the LA has a duty to ensure compulsory school aged DC unable to attend school full time still receive a suitable full-time education. This comes in many forms and different LAs call it different things, but it is alternative provision. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use to request alternative provision. You can send it to the Director of Children’s Services at your LA.

Hi OP, I also have a year 10 child in mental health crisis and unable to attend school. I also feel like I'm a failure of a parent and I can't understand how we have got here - although their recent autism diagnosis does go a long way to explain things.
No advice or wisdom here, but I hear you and really I don't think either of us are failures.

I empathise. My eldest autistic DC struggled to attend from Y8. Lots of adjustments but she spent a significant proportion of Y8-10 sitting in the pastoral hub learning nothing. I would apply for an EHCP. I feel like it was faster to do this as a parent than via the school. We finally got one at the end of Y10 which allowed some online learning. After 9 months of this DC now wants to return to her school for sixth form - I never thought she would say that. Unfortunately she won't get the grades for the entry requirements due to all the previous missed learning 😔.

Younger DC now displaying lots of anxiety about attending. Would have thought the school would bend over backwards to be supportive given the situation with DC1 but no. I do feel a bit like they are judging me because I've had two DC in this position, but I'm a teacher myself - it's not like I don't value education!

Sometimes it's hard to get very specific details on adjustments like this when you drill down with the school. For example, how often, when, who is supporting them, how often, which lessons etc.

I find that the accommodations are often very woolly, ad hoc and they may go a week never going to the nurture room for example. Then they kick off when they can't manage and suddenly get whisked to the nurture room. 🤷 Id guess there isn't a SEN plan wherein the very specific details of what, when, how should be spelled out specifically across each week. I don't think any secondary schools ever do this, they should. They just don't have the resources to organise and implement this so it's usually flying by the seat of their pants. That's really frustrating and difficult for these kids.

It's definitely worth applying for an EHCP here OP. You could consider college level provisions for your older child as part of this. There could be a lot out there that you aren't aware of.

Might be worth checking if they’d allow the year 10 child to take their GCSE exams at the school, if you get them the right books to study at home. But please don’t panic, they can still do exams when they’re older and once they’re coping with life better. If you feel you need to Home Educate check out HEFA, Home Education for All on Facebook, all the legal bits are in the guides and loads of help if you take that path.

Thank you 🙏.I've just screen shot the 4 for OP. Hopefully will be approved.

So for mine OP I wrote quite a long document but it was basically
Background and history:
The 4 strands; as screenshot above ;strengths needs and then included very specific support requests under each SEN strand.

So under cognition and learning I highlighted all the executive function difficulties my son has and specifically asked for various accommodations.

I have asked for a reduction in timetable, I've asked for lots. I have no idea how much of a chance there is of getting what is needed. A special school is something he desperately does not want - yet, he is not functioning in this mainstream school at all. It's pointless.

I see the biggest struggle with so many of these kids is the level of demands is way too much. If they did half the timetable with the rest of the time used for something suitable, whatever that is, then the build up of demands would be so much less imo. And they could then cope.

When I look at the curriculum I do despair. I don't know the answer but so much time allocated to so many things I wish they would not waste my sons time with. It's so unfit for purpose ATM .