To give my daughter meals she probably won’t like?

Does she eat chipolatas, fish cakes, fishfingers, oven chips, baked beans?

Honestly apart from other meals we had the above a few times a week and as long as she’s eating I don’t think it’s a huge issue. Maybe she can help you make the pizza. You could try introducing things gradually eg a mild chicken curry. If she eats it great, if not try something else. Worst thing to do is to create issues around food.

Keep feeding her what she likes and adding food that is not on the safe list as an option to taste. 4 is still so little and it will probably take her years to get more adventurous, but forcing her to have things she hates isn't going to make her like it. I find mine are more likely to est veg we have grown, so give that a go if you have a garden. If you don't, things like cress or pea shoots grow fine on a windowsill.

Anyone who advises you to do what you are doing (ie give a fussy child food that you know they won’t eat on the basis that ‘they will eat when they are hungry enough’) has NOT experienced a genuinely fussy child. It has nothing to do with parenting and just depends on the individual child - I had two boys who ate everything and then my daughter who had an exclusive repertoire of sausages, fishfingers and pizza until she was about 10. I think she had sensory issues around food, couldn’t stand pasta for instance and once had a meltdown on the M25 over a Malteser (!!) which nearly forced me to pull over on the hard shoulder. She would have rather gone without food altogether than eat one of the foods on her ‘nope’ list. And I tried to accept this on the basis that certain foods, eg pasta, which seemed normal to me were clearly for some reason revolting to her, in the same way that if someone told me I had to eat eg pigs trotters for dinner, I would rather go to bed hungry. For years I simply made her a separate meal of whatever she would eat and put no pressure on her to eat other things. They were always available (and her brothers would try and get her to eat) but never forced it. Suddenly after moving to secondary school she decided herself to start trying more things and now eats all sorts (even things like sushi) and completely normally. Not saying that every child will be the same but you absolutely cannot force them to eat, and as others have said making food a battleground is only going to lead to eating disorders.

I have two children who on the whole don’t eat too badly, but both can be funny about certain things, and tbh I just let them.
I remember vividly, being sat at the table at my grandparents for HOURS being made to eat something that even the smell made me gag, until my mum picked me up and WW3 erupted.
I was extremely restrictive around food as a young child, and my parents very much just fed me what I liked because they believed a fed child is what is most important.
As an adult, I eat most things (aside from mushrooms and shellfish- demon food) but this happened on my own, organically as I got older with no pressure from anyone.
Its a tricky phase but it will pass.
My two have their ‘safe’ meals; and these I don’t mess with because I know it’s something that will always be eaten. I may offer something new alongside it, but make it a non event. It’s not mentioned if eaten or not. Gradually, we probably have 15 or so meals we rotate - if it’s something one likes, but not the other.. well, no one has died from a jacket potato with beans, so I’ll just make them something quick and simple.
It won’t be forever.

She's four. It hasn't 'worked' because she's still a small child, she's still in development. This is not the final product.

Carry on offering her new foods alongside safe foods. There is no benefit to anyone in this ridiculous new approach you are taking.

Hi OP,

im a clinical psychologist and I specialise in working with children (including ND children). I often run clinics with paediatricians and we often see young ones who aren’t eating much. She’s still very young, I would recommend easing off. If she’s healthy and gaining weight you’re doing well and need to view what you are doing as successful, it’s not about getting her to eat like an adult does, she will get there / things will improve naturally over time. As professionals when we say it will get better I’m thinking quite a lot further down the line than her current age. The problem with food is that it is pretty much the only thing a child has control over themselves and when parents begin to try and take over that the child is most likely to dig in, create aversions and meal times will escalate. You don’t want to see your child this distressed over food, it will turn in to a power struggle and you just can’t win. And honestly, if she is neurodiverse and this is a sensory issue, it could become really quite traumatic and safe foods might become more restricted.

what we recommend is things you’ve probably already heard- low pressure, continue to offer new things or less preferred alongside safe fooods. Never take away pudding as a consequence. Reassure her that she can just eat what she likes on the plate. Talk about the colours. Take her to the supermarket and ask her to pick one thing for everyone to try (as a regular routine), but then don’t pressure her to actually try it , that will come in time. Food and mealtimes are positive experiences.

Ialso spend quite a lot of time working with families about what their expectations are, as it seems that you feel what you’re doing isn’t working - it is working though, she is healthy (I am assuming). If she’s losing weight and dropping centiles that is different but you would need to be under paeds / psychology and dietician if that was happening - so if that is happening you need to see your GP.

I feel like I constantly undergo same battle with my 3 year old and have gone back and forth. But then realised she was very adventurous in nursery and basically ate whatever was put in front of her. She would refuse beans on toast at home but happily eat 5 bean stew on its first appearance at nursery!

So I went hardline, that she is served the exact same dinner as us, though they are pretty standard family friendly stuff. But we do always include something she really likes and never plate it for her, she helps herself. After initial refusal she has become adventurous again, and repeat exposure to some new foods is finally paying off. But she was never offered an alternative meal and actually she has become more adventurous and meal times are more relaxed.

Are you saying she'll only eat plain pasta? I'm a bit confused. If she'll only eat plain pasta then I understand your dilemma

I dont agree with making her cry and allowing her to cry over food. That's cruel

But if the only thing she'll eat is plain pasta, then you need assistance from a professional (obviously not the professional you've already tried)

My DD was extremely fussy, still is as a late teen, but way better and more adventurous. I just made her what I knew she’d eat, even when we had multiple meals as a family (we perfected the base dish with 3 different options method 😁). I did worry about nutrition but she is now a tall sporty, healthy girl, so it seems to have worked out ok. She is ND so I know now a lot of it is sensory.

I’d say feed her what she’ll eat, give her a multivitamin and assuming she is growing and healthy don’t worry too much (easy for me to say now lol)

My second was a very fussy aged 4. I was (still am really!) a fussy eater and it’s mainly a texture thing for me, but I expanded as a teen and tried more and more. I just adapted meals for DD2 where possible and where not, cooked two meals - usually something like an omelette and refused to have meals as a battleground. She is now much better, something started to change around 7 and apart from vegetables and mashed potato, she’ll eat most things or at least try them. I was similar, but I ended up going hungry and it’s led to having to deal with disordered eating e.g. binging when I got the chance as I didn’t know when I’d next eat properly so to speak. She’ll get there.

My Dd was a fussy eater and as a teenager is a million times better. I know 10 years is a long time to wait but it does get better. I often found that dinner was the worst meal of the day as everyone tired and a bit past it. I tried to give big breakfasts and lunch and then knew not to sweat it if she didn’t eat too much at dinner time.
Like others said there was always one thing in the plate that she liked (usually a carb) and whilst I’d despair at her not eating the chicken / meat I knew that should be enough to fill her up.
I also cooked seperate meals which is a big mumsnet no no. We had a pretty small lists of things that she would eat and a week is quite a long time in a four year olds life and if she wanted to have spag Bol every week then who was I to complain. I don’t want that every week though so would cook batches for her and freeze it and something else for me and DH.
When she got a bit older she know one night a week was mums choice and it was going to be something she thought she didn’t like or hadn’t tried before just so she knew that she did need to keep trying new things.
We stopped pudding / yoghurt / fruit after tea as that became part of the battle - “just eat that bit and you can get a yoghurt”.
Milk at bedtime (often a bigger glass if she had t eaten much).

What will she eat willingly ie without you feeding her? What sort of things does she demand when she doesnt eat a meal? Does she eat anywhere else other than home (childcare, school?)
My DD ate 8 different things for nearly 2 years. I saw the GP who said that the things she would eat were perfectly balanced nutritionally ,if boring, and to stop worrying. She grew up into a young woman with a very adventurous palate.

I think you have gone a bit too far if you're having such reactions from her. Every toddlers I know is fussy, one way or another.
We have tantrums too at times with our kids (2 and 4), and sometimes they skip lunch/dinner, but they don't go hungry.

There are some points we would not negotiate, like they have to eat their vegetables, and they have to try the new foods. Otherwise, no dessert.
For the veg, there would be at least 1 we know they'll eat. It was a battle with both around 2yo, but after a few months it sinks in and there is very little fuss about it now.
Once they've tried the new food, we don't force them to eat more if they don't want to.

They have yogurt and fruits as standard for dessert, so even if they don't like the main we know they aren't hungry.

And we only introduced meals we know they are unlikely to eat (e.g. soup) when we know they've eaten well that day. So for instance if they've had a big breakfast, we might use the opportunity to do something a bit risky for lunch, knowing it might be one of those they refuse to try, so don't eat. We stick to the rules, but will do something we know they'll like for dinner.

Did you actually put the meatballs in her pasta? I would personally of put them at the side of her plate. Give her 2-3 things she likes plus a new food to try. Don’t let the new food touch the preferred food. Just keep trying and praise any effort to try something new. She’s never going to eat a plate of something she hates. You’re just going to introduce a food complex.

You can’t win this battle, so don’t have it. As others have said put out what she will eat, eg plain pasta with perhaps some sauce/meatballs/ cheese alongside. Don’t comment on what she’s eating, don’t pressure her in any way.

It is good you enjoy cooking, but it’s not any reflection on you her not eating it! See if she’s interested in helping, but don’t push it.

The less fuss you make, the less stressed you’ll both be, and the more likely she is to try new things. Mealtimes should be enjoyed not dreaded.

I am sure she’ll get there, in her own time.

Years?

She’s only 4!

I should also add my partner is incredibly ‘discerning’ when it comes to food and whole food groups are out of bounds for him. His mother was apparently ‘a feeder’ and he struggled with his weight as a child. There are still some food smells that will make him gag, so think about how important it is for you to force your will on your child.

Vitamins is a good idea and if you can get them to drink milk, as mine still does, all the better.

Eating is restricted due to sensory issues so severe you are asking for help on a parenting forum and you hired a professional who couldn’t resolve them. Yet you don't think it’s ARFID?
It’s clearly ARFID!

I sometimes had the battle, for instance if she eats bolognese, then I’d battle over meatballs as it’s pretty much the same! And I always insisted upon trying 3 big mouthfuls as often when they’d done that, they did like it after all.

I don’t think they should be made to eat it it they don’t like it, but they should also give everything a good go. Having some battles with toddlers/younger children, pays dividends when they’re older. You are the parent, you have to enforce things from time to time.

I would turn the TV off, it won’t be helping. I had one fussy eater and one amazing eater. I cooked the same meal for the whole family but let them have things like plain natural yoghurt if they weren’t able to finish everything. Look for a bridge from each food they will eat to something similar to expand their range. For example, if they eat courgettes, make courgette risotto and once that’s accepted as standard make the risotto with courgettes and peas.

Don’t make meal times a battlefield.

if you enjoy cooking then take pride in creating meals that include something for everyone not ones where everyone has to like all of it.

i still remember being forced to eat food I didn’t like as a child either by not being allowed to the leave table, foregoing pudding or having to eat it for breakfast. I’m 55 and it still comes up in conversation with my mother 50 years later - I have never forgotten.

Make mealtimes a happy time - provide choice and variety but also respect another human beings preferences. She won’t die from a lack of meatballs.