To give my daughter meals she probably won’t like?

She’s 4. This is an age where it’s common to be fussy with food, but also not have the full vocabulary to explain exactly what the issue is.

Food being a battle ground isn’t a good place for either of you so try and step back a bit and calm things down.

The main safe food on the plate should never have things mixed in - even if they’ve had it before. There should always be something, like the pasta, you know she’ll eat.

Self serving add ons is a great way to help as well. I had two extremely fussy girls and they were 10/11 before they could properly explain their sensory food issues. Having self service add ons meant sometimes one had a mountain of peas and the other a small spoonful of carrots and corn, but it took the battle out of mealtimes. They were more willing to try things when they knew they could have a tiny spoonful on their plates. It also helped them, and me, realise the combinations that worked and didn’t work for them.

I have terrible food issues because of my parents and their strictness. I can still remember the feeling of being hungry because it was that meal or nothing and I really really couldn’t eat it. I have really vivid memories of that despite the fact I was removed from their care when I was 5.

Give her a vitamin.
Never contaminate the hidden veg sauce - that is a brilliant thing to be able to get into her.
(maybe consider using it as a pizza sauce with bases if she’ll try that.)

What I would do with mine (for example in this scenario) would be to give her a bowl of plain pasta and then an incredibly small bowl of pasta with meatballs mixed in alongside it and say that I'd really appreciate it she can try a tiny bit - and no pressure and fuss at all. Mine (also 4) doesn't eat as varied food as would be convenient for me, but I'm viewing this as a very long-term journey! I had a win recently where I very slowly introduced her to chili con carne. First a very small amount of rice... Then small amount of rice and chili... Then introduced some tortilla chips to dip in the chili, etc. etc. She'll now eat it happily, horray! (I'm sure this could change tomorrow :) I really like food, hate food waste and cooking multiple meals, so I try and plan so I can sit with my 4 year old and 18 month old when they eat (something simple like sweet potato wedges, chicken and broccoli), and then later I can make fajitas for me and my husband with the cooked chicken because i like flavour! I think your DD eats a more varied diet than many other children and if you go more gentle with your approach to broaden her diet (like having fun cooking with her - mine eats pesto salmon now because I got her to make it so many times), you're much more likely to succeed.

Put what she will eat on her plate. Put other stuff out to help herself too, may be one day she will try the new foods.

Especially if it’s fancy so some dips and fruits that sort of thing. breadsticks, and so on.

do NOT mix an ‘unsafe’ food with the pasta for example. I now know I’m nd (in my 50s) , I eat loads of foods but like things in a certain way.

My dc (I don’t think is nd but reading this sounds like dc also is) at that age everything had to be not touching on the plate if that makes sense. Wouldn’t eat sandwiches at school as filling was touching. School were really difficult about it with me, I tried to explain. All the things on the plate or wrapped separately it would all be eaten.

OP I think your idea of success is to get her to eat what you want her to eat, when the real success is just getting her to eat.

She should not be refused food because she isn't cooperating. She's a young child. She is using the only power she has to express what she needs. Listen to her and let go of control over her diet. You don't need it. Concern yourself with her health and her relationship with food before you traumatize her permanently.

Some picky eaters get over it with a little push. Many don't. The pushing makes it worse. Listen to the LITERAL DOCTOR who answered your question.

Op,

she is four. This is an age when many many children restrict what they eat after having been very open to new tastes as a baby.

your child is (reasonably) developmentally normal.

advice:
give her a daily multivitamin.
try some deconstructed meals. So eg instead of giving her pasta with a sauce, put plain pasta on everyone’s plate and put out the tomato sauce and separately some roasted vegetables. Children like to have control over what they eat, and she will eat the plain pasta at minimum.

try exploring different food with her - eg have a German week where you all try new food and talk about what it tastes like.
try make your own pizza, or make your own fajitas.
this gives the opportunity to try different cheeses and toppings.

if you fight your child over food you will lose. They ultimately do control what they eat and you picking fights about it will not change that. Depending on how stubborn she is she may well be happy to go hungry for several meals rather than give control to you - I certainly was and it pissed my mother off no end (and meant I was underweight well into my teens).

My dd was similar to yours OP. My dd is not diagnosed ND. She did lose weight from her picky eating - at her worst age 10 she was 75th percentile height, but only 5th percentile weight. Mostly I was able to keep her stable around 15th percentile weight. I resisted the temptation to weigh her too often because I didn’t want her to obsess about it.

Luckily for us the limited list foods dd decided to accept were mostly healthy - she ate a lot of vegetables (but no fruit) so I was lucky I could still feel “good” about her picky eating.

Her list of foods would also change - she’d suddenly drop toast for breakfast, but decide she loved porridge with stewed apple, then that became inedible and she’d only eat yoghurt and so on. This went on for years and I mostly rolled with the punches.

I did provide snacks when she simply could not eat what I offered. Yes, I found it very very frustrating. But I chose to see it as her being unable to eat, not being rebellious and refusing to eat. I would have semi-healthy snacks - rice cakes were very popular - and in due course she would sometimes accept grated cheese on crackers (although now she says she hates crackers) or grapes and apples. But inevitably she ate more biscuits and chocolate than I’d have liked.

I doubted she would ever really expand her food horizons but as a tween she did agree to try some new foods. And right now she is very broad minded and will at least try almost everything I offer her. Last weekend, age 15, she ate out in an Indian restaurant for the first time in her life!

I am so proud of her because I think we were only a few steps away from a serious eating disorder at a couple of points in time. But she has figured it out it all by herself now.

I do think it’s about dc feeling in control, and the fear of putting something in your mouth and worrying you won’t enjoy the flavour or texture.

So be patient you might be waiting many years to see this problem resolve itself.

I don't think it's a good idea to mix other foods in with her safe foods. If she always eats pasta and sometimes eats meatballs, why not put the meatballs on the side?

I'm autistic and had a very restricted diet as a child. My parents tried the usual strategies of sneaking in veg etc and it actually made the situation worse because then the 'safe' food tasted wrong and wasn't safe anymore - so I stopped eating it. I had a lot of texture issues and problems with foods mixing - so I could eat baked beans from a tin but if they were on a plate and the sauce got on other foods then I wouldn't eat them.

As an adult I'm still 'picky' compared to most people and I still dislike sauces and dressings, but I eat a wide range of plain vegetables and a generally healthy diet. Pressuring or trying to force me to eat was always counterproductive, and I really only started eating more as a teenager when I'd choose, buy and prepare the new food, so if I didn't like it and threw it away, nobody else was going to be disappointed or angry with me.

Based on that I'd try taking all the emotion out of it. Make sure there's at least one safe food per meal. Offer other foods alongside them (not mixed in!) but don't make a big deal out of eating or not eating them. Don't expect immediate results.

You are then actually withholding food from her, which appears to be a punishment. And she’s hungry possibly.

You have been given good advice. Try to follow it. She’ll be picking up on your anxiety which won’t be helping either. She’s still a wee girl, remember that.

Oh jesus. This is my life atm with my 7 year old

Put stuff on the table (separately) and let her serve herself (or ask her what she would like and serve that for her). That way, you have given her the option of meatballs but not tried to ‘insist’ on them.

its about personal preference and very much about control - give her control so that she can eat according to her preference.

My DD was similar at that age... I remember distinctly a phase when all she would eat at dinner was pasta & broccoli.
So I made sure she had this on her plate alongside the other food.

Another issue might not be the actual food, but the temperature. When DD was 5/6 I had baby DS and would just leave tidying the table for after the DC were in bed. DD was still fussy and would only eat small amounts of food with us at the dinner table. So her plate had plenty of food still on it when we finished eating. While I was busy with the baby, DD would go back to the dinner table and eat her now cold food - she'd usually finish the lot! It really was the temperature of the food that had put her off eating.

I can reassure you that my DD is now a healthy, happy 20yo and at University- and she will eat almost anything, but still has a soft spot for pasta with broccoli and the new addition of cheese sauce ...

But I don’t think what OP has described is a battle of wills. She’s talked about suspecting sensory issues, and no progress at all despite trying all the usual advice.

You are restricting her food if you are giving her food you know she won’t eat and nothing else.

Lots of people have already told you what you should do; give her food that you know she likes. Don’t try to mix it up with things she either doesn’t like or that is new. Give her what she likes. It’s really very simple. Then provide other options at the table but allow her to decide if she wants to try them.

i mean, really, imagine if someone was going this to you - knowing what you liked and didn’t like and then purposefully mixing it up with things you didn’t like? That’s some bizarre psychological torture going on there.

As the lady up thread said, what they put in their mouths is one of the few things a child can control - give her that.

Been through this but I had a no separate meal policy, everyone eats at the table and no tv. Yes we had battles but it improved over time and by the early teens she ate most veggies, sauces etc which if you had known her at 5 you may have said she had afrid. Lots a patience, huge amounts of bribery and adults followed the same rules

What you’re describing isn’t what the OP has described. There’s a difference between fussiness and toddlers asserting themselves and what you’ve described which is very extreme.

when it’s a battle of the wills and a preference for safe but unhealthy beige foods, I think it’s worth the battle. Needless to say, I’m not suggesting the OP force feeds her child! I absolutely threatened removing benefits, tried bribery, no getting down etc. It worked for me.

Poor little thing is only 4. Just give her what she likes and wait for her to show interest. It's not like you are giving her McDonalds every day, you've got some perfectly good stuff in there. By focusing so much on food it will create issues as she gets older.

There will be times that she wants what you have on your plate so you have the 'new' stuff that you want her to try. Don't make a deal about whether you think she'll like it or not, just let her try it without telling her what it is.

This is not a hill you want to die on. Just let her discover things for herself.

Honestly I’ve always gone with offer at least one non contaminated food item with other food items.

I have a mixture of fussiness between my three which does mean at times different meals but as they have gotten older they have all widened what they eat.

I was / am also fussy. I won’t eat any kind of pea or bean, mash potatoes has to either be proper rustic or smooth as ice cream no in between. Not smooth ish with some lumps. Though as I continue to age I slowly eat more and more foods. At one point I never ate cheese, mayo or any kind of fish.

I would turn off the tv. Always have a safe food for her that she can definitely eat. (Not mixed in with anything) aswell as whatever meal is on offer that evening. Have you been referred to NHS paeds ? Sounds like she needs specialist input aswell.
start vitamin drops.

The thing with this is, you can’t enforce it. You can’t actually make a child try something without resorting to physical force. I was cajoled, I was bribed, I was begged, I was shouted at, I wasn’t eating something I didn’t want.
So what do you do? Say “you can’t get down until you’ve eaten it”? I’d have sat there all night. Threaten some other punishment (no tv, or whatever)? I’d have taken it.
I wanted to eat. I could not force down something I didn’t want. I found the whole thing completely and horrendously distressing.

Strongly advise solid starts articles and tips about reversing picky eating. I tried a lot of this and it has been very effective with my DSS who was extremely fussy and would only eat familiar foods that he liked. He now eats salmon, pesto, broccoli and carrots and a variety of things I never thought he would, though he still won’t touch fruit. There is a sensory element but if he’s hungry enough he will be willing to eat a lot more of things he’s less sure of so that helps.

I know they say not to restrict pudding but he would have never eaten veg if I had stuck with that. He’s 11 now so not a little child, so I moved toward the rule I have with my little one that is just that they need to eat a reasonable amount of what is on offer (veg, carb, protein) to have pudding, unless it’s something new. If it’s new they just have to give it a go and they can still have pudding.

i have always given the option to my other kids (who eat fruit) to have a banana if they don’t want dinner. They can’t choose anything else but will offer a banana as it’s quite filling and they won’t choose it instead of dinner unless they genuinely don’t fancy the dinner.