School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

And I think these main issues are far more important than one role in one production, paid or not. A life is a long thing, and so is a career. If he’s really extraordinarily talented, this will come through.

A career in acting isn't about being extraordinarily talented, it's about fitting the zeitgeist, networking and, crucially, getting a few lucky breaks and taking them with both hands.

There is no reason to think that stopping him from participating is going to change his attitude given how ineffective punitive measures normally are.

@EvangelineTheNightStar
What's the poor kid supposed to do? For years, he's been stuck in an environment that's making him miserable, and where he's seen as a problem and not welcome. What the school is doing clearly isn't working, but they are just doing the same thing harder. He's got no friends at the school. His dad clearly doesn't respect his interests.

Kids and teens need something positive or order to thrive, or the acting out will just get worse.

So basically the school need to do what he wants when he wants or he’ll be a little shit and destroy others education, and when he does it’s ALL THE SCHOOLS FAULT!

I absolutely agree. Almost certainly no loss if he gets kicked out of school with this history. Let him do the play - it will be important for his self esteem. Definitely have him professionally screened for ND. If he is diagnosed he may find medication transformational re studying. Even if he isn't he's far more likely to do better in exams with home tutoring which OP can clearly afford if they stop paying school fees. My son masked his ADHD and didn't have the full extent of behaviour issues her son has but even so MS school was not the right place for him. He's doing much better now he's on meds and is returning to study after an academic hiatus. I used to be socially quite conservative re school attendance, manners and behaviour etc but my son's diagnosis has changed me. I just don't believe kids act up for no reason when the parents have values like the OPs.

But that's what being ND is for a lot of people. Just being someone with a slightly different brain for whom the school isn't set up for.

I have ADHD myself and can see myself in this kid. I think the poor kid is really struggling in a school that isn't meeting his needs. He's bored and impulsive. If he keeps being told that he is "bad", he will act that way.

I think the worst thing that you could do is take his acting away.

DH needs to realise that you can't just dominate your children, and it'll be down to you to get this through to him so he agrees and DS doesn't divide and rule.

Let DS do the play, if you can get the admin signed. Keep it amicable with the school if possible. Get him into a state school or college if they throw him out, though I would be mentioning how social media or the local paper would respond to their meanness. But also bargain with the boy - 'we will do our best to make this work on condition you work hard, wherever, to get 5 decent GCSEs - maths, English, a science, a language and at least one other.'

Then all look for a more congenial school for A levels. Hopefully you'll find a drama or performing arts school near enough.

Do the drama thing. Forget about the school thing. Can always get a tutor & pick things up in a year or two. Schooling is only worth it when you have a plan. Unpopular opinion probably but yolo!

If this route is having a positive effect then I’d be all for it tbh. What’s the worst they can do? Throw him out? Then he goes to state school, you save your money and he persues his dream.

The bigger point is though @TheatreTaxi that the OP’s DS is generally badly behaved, disrespectful of his teachers and peers, and sullen and uncooperative except when he’s allowed to do what he really wants.

Yes there’s a child in pain - indulged by his mother and bullied by his father. His participation in theatre is a refuge for him. At the wrong school for him. But that doesn’t mean the school is wrong.

The bigger problems need to be resolved. Allowing him to perform is just putting a plaster over the main issues - his bad behaviour in most other aspects of his life.

Trying to force the school to authorise his leave of absence is demonstrating that he doesn’t need to respect others unless they’re giving him what he thinks he needs. It’s no way to bring up a child.

And I think these main issues are far more important than one role in one production, paid or not. A life is a long thing, and so is a career. If he’s really extraordinarily talented, this will come through.

But what is important now is paying attention to the sort of man who is being developed by the OP and her DH - not a particularly pleasant one at the moment. If he were 10 years older we’d all be saying “red flags” about his sexism and general disrespect.

If I had to pay for a school I would remove my child from it whenever I damn well pleased 😅.
I think its good hes found something hes passionate about, has his behaviour been better since starting drama?

Firstly I’m not sure how you can let the theatre group down at this point - presumably he is in the thick of rehearsals so you can’t just drop it on them that he isn’t going to do some of the shows.

secondly, all Im picking up from your posts is that your DH sees your son as a let down - he must feel under so much pressure never living up to his expectations. Your DH sounds more concerned with what other people think of him and whether your son is doing what he wants him to rather then focusing on what your son actually wants and nurturing that. Maybe this behaviour is a rebellion against all of that.

Please support your son! He's not uneducated but he is clearly very unhappy in his school environment. The school has served your older children well, so it's not a problem school. I dislike the way the education system tries to fit square pegs into round holes and doesn't consider the strengths of the individual and help to develop them. Yes I am all too aware of the need for structure, minimum standards etc but they do not suit everyone. If he is that unhappy and disruptive I'd be taking him out and either home educating or trying a specialist drama college. He knows what he wants, which is more than many his age, and he should go for it with your support and encouragement. For personal context, my DS was very unhappy at school, but not disruptive. I thought if he doesn't like 'school' then moving him isn't going to help. However a place came up at another school close by and he begged me to let him move. He moved and I honestly couldn't believe the difference, he thrived. I would love to read in the future that you supported your son and he too is thriving.

I would see if you can get more information from the school. What you've said so far sounds like the generic text they'll send about absences - even the independent sector is under pressure to minimise term time absences in a way that wasn't historically the case.

Do they understand it's a professional theatre production (and possibly of marketing benefit to the school - 'see what one of our pupils did at Easter')?

They need to appreciate the requirement for them to agree so he can be licensed appropriately.

Are the theatre company willing and talk to the school? That might resolve it. If not you may be faced with withdrawing him from school to home educate to get around the school's refusal.

You need advice from someone who knows the industry over how not to burn bridges with helpful people if the school refuse and you don't want to withdraw him, meaning that he won't be allowed to perform.

I thought there were exceptions for performing. My children regularly performed in pantomimes and took time off school with no problem although this was many years ago. I had to fill in a “performing” form of some sort but I can’t remember what exactly.
^^

Genuinely, so long as the school holds on to the LA license, he can’t perform. You need to tell the school to sign the license and return it to the local authority and that he will be missing those days, unauthorised. Then start looking for a new school for him. He’s not in the right place. Be aware that a change of school may not prompt a change in behaviour, because you have never got to the bottom of the reason for it. Although I must say, I think he’s incredibly bored and stimulated. It appears that his father does not know him or his interests at all and is more concerned with bending him to his own agenda. You seem to have the measure of him very well so you could say to him that if he is serious about pursuing acting, he has to knuckle down and work and get the grades so he can go and pursue the subject at A-level and further. You can impress on him that unless his attitude changes no one will want to work with him and if he loves acting so much he needs to work on himself first. Good luck. It’s a challenging time but so long as you let him know how much you love him and want to support him, you will get through.

If it was my son I would let him have these days off. It sounds like this could be his future.
Whatever is happening at school wont change anything. I would consider taking him out of school then finding a college place next year that can support him to do his gcse's a year later, as well as his drama.

Definitely support your son in what he wants to do. Don't be bullied by the school, especially a private school. Treat your son as an adult, discuss the options with him and ask him to decide. Deal with the school and don't let them make demands. You are a paying customer - if necessary complain to the governors.

Personally, I'd let him stay off and take the consequences

He's a 14 year old child. It's disgusting to call him that

This - and does need something to focus on in life and hopefully his attitude will improve.

School secretary here, we allow that, I think the code is P sporting activity, we have had children in theatre groups take a leave of absence for panto rehearsals. Keep the school informed from a safeguarding perspective so they know his whereabouts, but you will lot need to worry, they too have bigger issues than your 3 days for a theatre group. You could chat to your son about the support you are giving him and ask him to support you in return with a refocus on his behaviour, you’re in this together sort of stance- you have bigger fish to fry and it sounds good for his mental well being. Take it on the chin but have everything reasonably and politely documented in an email. 95 % is good attendance and the 3 days will be diluted as the year moves on to July.

@MrMidshipmanHornblower its not hard to understand at all, it’s just the “your bubz your rulez” posters dont seem to get that “I want doesn’t get”!

Obviously it's a risk if you go ahead with the unauthorised absence but in your position I would be of a mind to go that route PROVIDED my DS sits down and hears loud and clear that his behaviour is jeopardising his chance of making a real go of the drama by forcing the school to take a hard line. He needs to grow up and realise, if he wants those opportunities for future productions during school time, then he needs to change. If he gets it, I suggest you and he go in to the school and explain how much Drama means to him and that he understands what he needs to do to have those privileges.
If drama really is his love, then I would encourage his interest and perhaps his attitude to school by researching what's needed for him to go to drama school. He may then see a little more purpose in applying himself here and now.