School refusing 3 days off for DS AIBU

Because its trotted out all the time and in this case clearly there are a number of external factors driving his behaviour, rather than internal. Attachment issues shout out to me, plus identity issues around the dad but equally school just doesnt fit some kids and as a society we're blind to it.

Does that explain his misogyny?

There is a fine line between being seen as assertive and being seen as disruptive. Often that line varies depending on perspective. A child asking questions can be seen as inquisitive or a giant pain in the butt depending on perspective.
He 14 he likely hasn't developed good negotiation and assertive skills yet. He also has a father who wants him to be a totally different child and a school who have decided he isn't a good fit to their methodology.
He has spent years trying to be a square peg in a round hole. He doesn't fit and it is damaging to be pushed into environments that we don't fit for years. He now found somewhere h not only fits but that he excels at.
It's interesting that the problems he has in school aren't an issue in the right environment. Some people view that has him choosing to behave but it more likely in that he is comfortable and liked / respected for who is is in that environment and so relaxed and able to just be him.

Because he isn’t listened to

it is fairly clear that he doesn’t fit into the box his dad wants him to and his older brothers do and his school just isn’t for him

Spot the people who don't read the thread ...

These days honesty isn't always the best policy, you should have said nothing and just rang in sick for him for those three days.

You are not the OP though to answer that..

a neighbour came over to help today, long term local in our parts. Her very adult daughter has gone back to teaching at our local school and after 2 weeks of face to face teaching is considering chucking it in due to little arsehats who display this very same attitude.

Public school in our neck of the globe. it’s a parenting problem, not a school teacher problem.

gawd help these delicate souls when they are turned out to look for work… mummy and daddy might be horrified there no employment opportunities for their wee petal.

That's the whole problem. Poor kid is stuck in a pretty awful situation and is getting no say over it. The acting out is the only weapon he has.

Not exactly the same but similar, my Dd was granted authorisation to attend both a cheerleading competition and a netball tournament as the school identified these as “sport/ representative” activities. I imagine the issue here is your son’s general behaviour.

That ^

It’s a no from me. It’s not up to him to pick and choose when he participates in life or who he can be rude to…

they should be your focus, and not being blackmailed by your teenage son who learnt how to press your buttons years ago…

It’s a high bar to expect kids to understand and control their emotions well enough to consistently tread the line between assertive and asshole. They will much more likely either act out or give up. Judging kids by adult standards isn’t helpful.

From his pov, he was reasonably compliant in primary school and his reward was… more school. It feels never ending. And reading between the lines it’s probably a broader thing of knowing he’s not living up to dad’s standards but is expected to keep trying for years longer, no escape. That would make anyone angry, wouldn’t it? That sense of being trapped and destined for failure?

Anyway, seems like it’s worth a try leaning more into what he loves to find out if he’s in pain or just is a pain. And yes, life would still include doing things he doesn’t love in the moment but as part of a more balanced whole and with a future plan he can be happy with. That’s beyond the immediate question but that’s how it appears to me. Give more value to who he is and what he loves, then from that point tackle the problem of coping with some necessary evils.

Another issue with patiently complete school then do more drama is that if he seriously wants to perform, especially to be successful as an actor, then the more early experience he can get the better. Given that drama / performing arts schools exist and he’s displayed a clear consistent preference for that subject and there is money available in the family, why hasn’t that option been seriously explored already? why is he being told (explicitly by dad and implicitly by mum) that the academic path is still expected?

There’s a difference in being assertive and playing up. Being in senior education means doing lessons you’ve no interest in. Like every job out there even for people who are lucky enough to follow a path they love will have aspects of it they loath and it’s a case of sucking eggs. To actively sabotage his peers enjoyment of other lessons he dislikes isn’t asserting his opinion it’s being selfish. Even if he was to join a school that specialised in drama he would still be required to partake in these subjects. He can assert his preference, the path he desires to take after school can all be creative and about the arts. He can even do drama alongside English literature and the arts if it’s to be a more academic route to give him a bit of a safety net if the acting doesn’t work out.

Do the Drama. 100%. I bet there are private schools that focus on Drama too.

Fair. I had misread the op and thought it was asking would it be unreasonable to take the time off anyway. Much more tricky if theatre requires school approval. Would really have to go nuclear and withdraw him from the school in that case, which is maybe over the top. Seems unlikely at this late stage that a change in his behaviour will see them give permission. But I’d be doing everything in my power to get him there, if only so he sees that he has a champion.

Why are people saying the op should let him do it?
Can't they read?
It has been pointed out by innumerable posters including the op herself, that it is not her decision to make! He cannot do it without the school's blessing-they need to sign the licence, or the theatre will sack him off!

Was thinking exactly this. As a parent of a kid currently struggling to access school due to stress from constant disruptive behaviour from other kids, he sounds awful! So hugely disrespectful not just to the staff but also to the other kids. Great he’s found his calling, but he needs calling up on this behaviour - being bored / doing stuff you don’t want to is part of life which he needs to learn to manage without making a scene.

Practically, could you make a deal whereby he stops the rubbish behaviour in return for your support being truant those days? And then enroll him in a specialist drama school if you can, as no good is coming of his attendance at his current school for anyone.

Nope, I disagree with most posters. This is his dream, this is something he is good at, this builds his confidence and self-esteem! You need to be behind him, as this is his passion and it definitely looks like this is the way his future is likely to go. It honestly sounds to me like the school have already decided that he won’t be asked to stay at the next stage anyway (presumably at A-level) so why not give him the chance to showcase himself, whilst also showing your support of his needs and ambition.
I’m a teacher (and I realise I’m likely to get slayed for this!) but during my career I have seen time and time again the importance of nurturing confidence and self-esteem and that parents showing belief in their children can massively impact their future in a positive way.

The problem is that if he's seriously burnt out / has ADHD in a negative environment / or both, then he actually won't be capable of "changing his attitude" for any prolonged period. Not without something positive to latch on to.

I think if he wants you to go against the schools policy, he needs to buck up his ideas and prove to you that he can put in the effort at school, stop answering his teachers back and kick that misogyny off the roof before you even think any further about letting him have the time off.

For all those saying he needs to learn that bad behaviour doesn’t get rewarded, can I just make the counterpoint that I was a very well behaved child and that absolutely doesn’t get rewarded either. Being compliant and “good” etc just means your needs are not taken seriously. You ask for something, don’t get it, and keep behaving well so then everyone thinks oh it wasn’t a big deal then. And next time you ask you’re ignored again. I wish I’d acted out more, I wish I’d forced people to see when I was unhappy and needed more. Following the standard path isn’t right for everyone but if you appear to be fitting in you’ll just be made to keep following it forever. Fuck that.

You’re paying for this school, why not pay for him to go to a theatre school? There are loads around and it sounds like they would be a much better fit. They can scale down his GCSE’s to ones that are necessary and the ones related to performing arts.

If it’s possible for him to do the play without school permission, and if he fully understands that the unauthorized absence could result in being kicked out and he is willing to accept that consequence (and whatever alternative schooling that would entail next year), then I would let him do the play.

More generally, I think you need to have some proper serious discussions with your son about his future career options. The purpose of adolescence is not to get good grades or to behave well at school, it is to prepare what you need to be a successful adult. The default path in your family is top grades, uni, degree and professional career. He seems to have decided he doesn’t want that but there’s a lack of clarity about what other paths exist. And dh is not helping by essentially doubling down on the expected life plan. It sounds like he’s effectively decided to mess up his education in protest. No one wins. Everyone is miserable.

What does he know about careers in performing arts? If he wants to act, for example, does he understand that most actors have to supplement their income with some other job? How can he move from where he is now to where he wants to be? What other opportunities would he like to take if he was free to? Do some research together without the assumption that he must be in mainstream school. You can get tutors to fit around other stuff.

Overall it seems utterly foolish to spend money forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do (the academic path) while ignoring what he does want to do. Can you use some of that money instead to get him more training that’s useful for performing work? Or career advice or coaching or really anything to support his dream? If he really wants this he needs to do more than just a drama gcse and maybe related a levels.

Once he knows his actual dreams are supported then you should also discuss the value of ‘backup’ qualifications — it’s possible but not easy to come back to gcse and a level later. Late start at uni is a lot more common and totally fine imo. A small handful of carefully selected qualifications over the next few years could set him up well alongside a main focus on acting.

If it turns out he doesn’t actually want to work hard at the acting either, he’s just entitled and wants to be a pain, then you can take a different track with him. Importantly though, you and he will both know that he wasn’t held back from following his dreams.

You are being unreasonable. To reward him for misbehaving is staggering, and rather sounds like he has had too much "modern parenting" throughout his life, rather than firmly set boundaries and being taught to have respect for others, as well as himself. He needs a firm hand (metaphorically speaking) and a hard lesson in "actions have consequences ".

all that of course @RawBloomers but it’s been my observation of the industry (from a training perspective) over the last 40 or so years that the foundation needs to be out of the ordinary talent.