AIBU to be upset about silence and no explanation?

Nonsense. You’re just not an insecure person who can’t deal with the ordinary complications of human relationships.

I wouldn't be happy to 'see again in the future' someone who treated me like thst and you have very low standards if you do.

How do you know that she hasn't had another situation not related to the bereavement.

calling someone self-indulgent when you don't know what's happening in their life right now, is quite an assumption.

I agree with you, which is why I believe she's creating distance as she may feel the OP hasnt got the message.

I disagree with the majority of the posts on here. From what you have specifically written, you haven't done anything wrong.

Being bereaved and grieving has nothing to do with not being able to write a 20 second message in response to someone offering support or politely asking for help themselves. Some people will take any excuse to act in this self'indulgent, antisocial way - it's complete nonsense. Same as those who claim they dont have the "headspace" to reply to friends messages etc when they are "looking after their mental health". It literally takes 20 seconds. They are just attention-seeking in a negative way.

It sounds like you have been kind and offered support - and left it a few months.

I wouldnt bother with this person tbh & wouldnt give any further thought to it.

The fact is she is signalling to you she cannot take on any responsibility of any description, feeding your cat or otherwise. Maybe it's her family loss or something else. She's given you back your key as a sign she needs distance.

the best thing to do in a situation like this is to match her response. Back away, don't get involved and give her the space she needs.

dont make it about you, it isn't. We all go through various crises in life, which can happen at any time, we don't get to choose and we just have to go into survival mode. If she needed your involvement or support, she'd probably ask for it, but she doesn't need that. She gets to choose as it's her situation.

Equally if she later decides to establish contact again, you have the right to decide if you want to. No blame, no shame. Hopefully you have other friends in your network.

I'm not sure I would have asked for another favour when she had said no and there's been no conversation or meet up in between asking for favours

I reread your posts as I found things a bit confusing
So she said no when you asked her at Christmas to look after your cat in April but would be able to in the future?
You sent a couple of messages in between then asked again regarding April?

I think she meant a hard no for April full stop not that you should approach her again?
That she would be able to in the future

I think that is where the problem lies

Not sure what to say regarding the lack of messaging but I would only ever send one message and never 3 without a reply.

I think you have been very kind and thoughtful OP.
Bereavement and associated feelings can distort your mind processing ( I talk from experience).
Leave matters lie for now.
Take care OP and don't over analyse the situation

I discussed this recently with a friend who is ND who was told they overstepped and we talked about mirroring .
So essentially you mirror the time put in ., effort and contact of the other person.
I didnt notice at first that they had replied to say no , then you followed up twice, then asked again.
It sounds like they found this overwhelming .

With mirroring you would ask once ,reply to thank them for clarify, wish them well then STOP until they contact you again.
Its a bit like chess, you wait your turn etc

Hope this is helpful @Lifeinblackandwhite

As someone else said, she may have just put the key through so that someone else can use it to look after your cat. And the headspace she’s in currently, maybe she just didn’t feel like explaining and has shut herself off for a while.

You are not a bad person, you are not an ‘idiot’. In fact I think quite the opposite, is that you’ve shown on this thread that you’re a very caring person. And I’m sure your friend knows that.

I think just take a step back, let her deal with her grief and she may very well come back around once she’s in a better head space. In the meantime, sort someone else to watch your kitty and try not to feel too bad. As someone else said, this is likely more about how she’s processing her grief.

@tentedquilt I really wouldn't beat yourself up about this or ruminate about it

It could have happened to anyone

I don't think you did do anything wrong.

Think it was something where it was hard to know the right thing

We've all done it so please don't be self-conscious. Its not a ND or a NT thing.

but "double-messaging" can be annoying.

Especially repeated "have I done anything wrong?" messages.

Its asking the other person to use cognitive energy to discuss your relationship, when you actually aren't the main character or the person they want to be focussing on?

But its not the social faux pas of the century. You're not perfect and neither is she, or anyone else.

Just get on with your life, enjoy March, plan some nice things for yourself and reduce the catastrophising/ruminating.

Leave this situation well alone. Do not send any more messages or ask other friends about her.

Its definitely ok to feel quite upset, sad, rejected, embarrassed.

Those are just feelings though...you can sit with them, everyone has them. If you sit there and name the feelings they can have less power.

You don't have to jump in and try to problem-solve or start trying to fix things.

If you only met socially a few times and she isn't staying in touch she maybe sees you more as an "outer circle" friend and wants to give more energy to her "inner circle".

There's nothing wrong with being an "outer circle" friend. It can be nice having shorter, less serious, friendships sometimes.

You haven’t done anything awful. So don’t beat yourself up about it.

I think it was just a misunderstanding on your part is all. And you’re human. You make mistakes like the rest of us. And she is dealing with grief, so isn’t her usual self with regards to communication.

It can be hard enough to navigate someone’s grief at the best of times, so I can understand that being ND can add an extra layer of difficulty. But we’ve all been guilty of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.

I suspect that when you asked in December if she could watch your cat in April and she said no she wasn’t ready/up to it, when you asked again recently she felt she’d already told you she couldn’t do it, so was just a little upset you’d asked again. And because she’s grieving, her response was maybe a little more blunt than usual.

Once she’s in a better place mentally and emotionally, you may find she comes round and is more herself and talks to you again. At the moment she’s probably still feeling raw and overwhelmed. If you see her about in the meantime, just politely smile and go about your day.

OP, it might have absolutely nothing to do with your autism, it’s more likely to do with her bereavement.

i have autism as does my mum. My dad died in 2025. I’ve absolutely disappeared from many people I used to be involved with, as had my mum.

I understand it’s you and not your friend who has autism- different people need different things. When we were bereaved I had some friends who offered lots of support. I didn’t want it, I probably seemed quite rude.

i have in other situations offered different amounts of support and friendship, sometimes it’s welcomed and sometimes people just want everyone to fuck off. I’ve been on both sides of this. some people take 6 months alone to grieve, some people need 5 years.

Your neighbour just might not want to rejoin the world. That’s understandable.

Put a card through her door saying you’re sorry if you intruded, and you’re here if she needs any shopping.

Don’t ask for a reply or anything in return. If she’s like my mum she’s in hibernation.

I think this is a hard one

Perhaps you did do it too soon but at the same time I don't think you did anything wrong either from what you say.

I don’t think you did anything wrong! Who died? Was it her husband or someone super close? I personally think keeping in touch like you did and asking her to feed your cat isn’t a big deal really. Clearly it’s upset her so just leave it at that and return the key.

It was fine for you to take her literally in the sense that she probably would be willing to do favours again in future, but if she wasn’t ready at Christmas it’s unlikely she’d be ready now, especially if you. Haven’t had any real contact with her yet. Two months isn’t giving her enough time if it was a significant loss that she has suffered.

it was kind of you to send messages of support, but the problem with asking her what she needs from you is that it puts responsibility on her to think of what she needs, then think of what’s reasonable to ask of you, and then compose a polite message to send you. All of that can be too much if you’re grieving. This is a common mistake that people make when they want to be supportive, but it’s much more helpful for friends to just do useful things instead of needing to be asked.

You're not a crap person, OP. From what you've said, I don't think you've done anything wrong. It sounds like something is going on with your friend and she is stepping back from friendships.

To reiterate: you're not a crap person. Neurodivergent people are told repeatedly that our neurodivergence makes us unintentionally rude, insensitive, pushy etc, while neurotypicals allegedly have all have the social graces down pat. All the media out there tells us that we're constantly fucking up. So when we're friends with someone who is neurotypical, we defer to their judgement and we assume if they drop us, it's because we messed up somewhere or were unintentionally a bad friend.

But your friend is not the arbiter of whether you're a good person or not. Don't put her on a pedestal: she is messy, inconsistent and as awkward as anyone else. It sounds like something is going on with her, but if she won't communicate, if she actively tries to prevent communication, then there is nothing you can do. But don't take it personally.