AIBU to be upset about silence and no explanation?

OP, how many unanswered messages have you sent in a row? Maybe she has been feeling suffocated? A lot of people have a need to be left alone when grieving, you obviously couldn't have know if she was one of them or not, but her reluctance to meet up could have given you an indication. You haven't done anything wrong in this, you just haven't understood what her silence meant. She probably now associates you with stress and guilt unfortunately and she is trying to make those feelings go away by cutting you off rather than dealing with them because she is already very low.

That would surely depend entirely on the friend's personal situation. She might not have a life partner, her friend might have been someone she has known since childhood and someone she spent significant amount of time with. We can't meassure grief in that way, there isn't a scale where some a worth more than others.

Can people please stop blaming the OP for the poor behaviour of her "friend".

"Thanks for your support, much appreciated. I'm not feeling up to socialising at the mo but I'll let you know when I'm feeling a bit better".

"I'm really sorry but I'm not able to help you out with your cat at the moment - I'll let you know when I'm back in a position to help".

Each of those took 20 seconds to write, zero thought or "mental energy". Could be sent days or even weeks after receiving a message if the recipient was "too xxx to reply immediately".

Why on earth are there so many people willing to excuse such nonsensical reasons for behaving like this? This "friend" is just a dick who has decided she can get away with being rude and treat people badly because something bad has happened in her own life. It's pathetic.

This has happened to me more than once.
It is very confusing. The reason she is not communicating with you may not have
anything to do with you or anything you have said or done. In the end, unless she tells you, you will never know. All you can do is chalk it up to one of life’s mysteries and carry on with your life.

But I agree it is upsetting. My 2 best friends dumped me when I left exDP. One of them told me why she was dumping me (totally stupid reason - she told me
a massive fib and when I told her that I knew her story was an invention, instead of apologising she told me she was upset that I hadn’t recognized that she was trying to protect me). The other friend just quietly withdrew and seems jealous of me for some bizarre resson. People are incredibly weird. I now realise my 2 former friends are incredibly self-centered and the one who told me that she was dumping me was controlling me.

I’m sorry you’re feeling so upset about this, I probably would be too.
From what you’ve said, I don’t think you’ve been too pushy and even if you have, a quick reply from her saying she’s just not ready to socialise etc right now is all that was needed. To put the key through your door without any explanation was totally uncalled for. Grieving or not. That’s not an excuse to be rude to people.
I think you either need to leave it, or pop a heartfelt letter through her door apologising if you’ve upset her etc etc.

The bereavement is so recent she is still grieving and might be struggling, have you gone to see her face to face ? Sometimes the tone is lost in messages and things get misunderstood.

I’ve seen a lot of threads on here, including a couple recently (was only reading the cashier/customer friendship post last night!) about people who want to distance themselves from a friend. Maybe she is one of these people and is just finding the friendship a bit exhausting and full on at the moment.
You asked her to look after your cats around Christmas, she says no, you send her multiple (well meaning from your end) messages asking how she is and checking in. She doesn’t reply and yet you message her AGAIN asking her to look after your cats. That was a silly move. I imagine she’s finding you suffocating and just wants out of the friendship.

Gently OP, if she wasn't responding to your offers of friendship (coffee, walk etc.) why did you think it was a good idea to ask her (again) for a favour?
I think you've unintentionally irritated her and I do feel for you as the friendship has suddenly shifted, but you maybe could have "read the room" a bit better.
Give it time, things may change and the friendship might circle round again. You both sound like kind people who have had a blip.

I thought at first this neighbour had been widowed, but now I see it’s a friend who died. That’s very sad but not on the same scale as losing your life partner. It’s unusual to go into deep mourning and full withdrawal from society for months after losing a friend. I don’t think you did anything wrong by treating her as a normal functioning member of society several months on. I’d just leave it now.

I am autistic too and take things very literally. Your neighbour said ‘not now but in the future’ and so you left it a few weeks and asked again. This was probably the mistake as you should have waited longer.
It is sad, I completely understand but I have become very hardened to this sort of thing happening to me now as it’s happened so many times. I really thought I was a terrible person when I was younger but now I have come to expect it from neurotypical people. I have wonderful friends but they are all neurodiverse and we accept and understand each others quirks.
I think writing a short letter to her to say that you’re sorry if you asked for favours too often and return her key (if you have one) and maybe explain that you’re autistic and misread situations sometimes. That you are thinking of her and hope that she would like to resume a friendship in the future but the ball is in her court and you understand if she doesn’t want to.

It sounds like the messages you sent her since her v close friend died have all (to a lesser or greater extent) felt to her like you’re asking something of her:

• can you feed my cat at Christmas time whilst freshly bereaved?
• can we meet up?
• can we go for coffee?
• please let me know when you’re free?
• can you feed my cat now it’s spring?

I don’t think you’ve done the above deliberately or selfishly, and you won’t have realised that’s how it’s felt to your neighbour, but I’ve experienced traumatic bereavements and subsequent total hibernation and if an acquaintance of mine had communicated with me like the above in the aftermath I’d have popped their key back through the door to draw a very clear line under things (given they hadn’t picked up on my numerous responses declining said pet-favours / socialising).

For me bereavement changed everything. Close relationships, friendships, how you feel at work.

Autumn is still very recent, I agree with writing a letter.

Stop beating yourself up op. It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong and you have no idea at this point what her problem is. She is grieving yes, but people are weird and get the hump over all sorts of things. Maybe she just doesn’t want to cat sit any more and doesn’t know how to use words and doesn’t want to have a conversation about it? You may never know. Just chalk it up to ‘nowt as strange as folk’ and move on.

Someone I know cut off a friend because they didn’t bother to attend the funeral of the person they had lost. Could that be the reason, or did you not know the deceased?

I think you may have given the impression of being quite selfish, I.e. asking how she was but then moving it back to your cat…

I would simply drop her a note, perhaps some flowers, and put pretty much what one of the PPs above stated. I’d simply add that ‘I feel I may have said or done something to upset you. I want to reassure you that this wasn’t my intention and am very sorry to have done so. Please know I am here if you ever need anything’. And then just leave it be.

As @muddyford has pointed out, it appears as if you've only communicated to your friend through text messages since her bereavement.

Maybe that's why she's distanced herself from you, she may feel like she's not had as much support from you as you think you offered to her, text messaging can be fine for arranging meet ups etc, but you don't mention that you've actually rang her or nipped around to see how she is following the death of her husband.
You did say that she's not one for people turning up unannounced, but a quick drop by with a bunch of flowers or just to give her a hug might've felt more meaningful than messaging her.

If you felt uncomfortable popping round to her house then you could've rang her and asked if she needed anything doing or fetching from the shops for instance. An offer of support and that 'you're here for her anytime' kind of wording is more impersonal, and even though you've felt like you were being supportive, and you were!, it might not have been the actual support she wanted , meaning she may have thought to herself that if the roles were reversed she would've visited or spoken to you if you were suffering a bereavement, and not just sent text messages.

Messaging about the cat was probably the icing on the cake.

Sorry I am going to disagree with a load of these comments and say this is not a you thing.

It's not pushy to message a friend who is grieving to tell them you are there and give them an opportunity to talk. It's not as though you turned up at the house and made her engage, it was a message she could choose to act on or not. It let her know you were available to her. How many times do people write threads about experiencing a death and then all their friends "disappear"??

I don't even think it is rude to have asked her again about the cats - how are you to know where she is "at" with things unless you gently ask? She is more than able to say no.

Personally I think it's rude to ignore a friend who cares about you - it would literally take a min of her time to respond and tell you she is not up for chat etc but that she will get in touch when she is. To return the key with no note or anything is just weird.

No doubt she will be complaining later that she has no friends left - I wonder why?! 🙄 Grown adults need to use their words and communicate, it's not that hard.

So no, YANBU

I'm sorry but this is just enabling nonsense. This sort of tripe gets spread all around the Internet these days and people are starting to believe it. Nothing about being in "survival mode" means you need to be rude to people with good intentions. Nothing. Ghosting someone, not replying for months, has nothing to do with grieving. It's simply people deciding to behave badly because they now have an excuse.

Lots of people say something along the lines of if you need me/anything I’m here. Few folk struggling reach out though. Better to think up something appropriate and do it. If someone near or closer to keep giving. Words don’t really make you or your situation more bearable but thoughtful actions can.

She was bereaved last Autumn and clearly not coping. That’s understandable. It can be like buckaroo to be asked to do something more even feeding a cat when in that bad place so she maybe has perceived your messages as something else that’s a stressor.

Sounds to me like her cup is empty and she just wants to be left alone. Leave it for now.

Did you actually go round and visit her, or was it all through messages?

Like what exactly? Has she had both hands amputated? Lost all fine motor control?

You haven't done anything wrong. Your neighbour friend sounds like hard work.

I don’t think it is interpreting her literally that is the issue here.

she said no I can’t look after your cat this time but I’m not saying no for the future,

the future is quite vague and unspecific.

you were fine to have asked about cat sitting again. I did not experience bereavement until later in life and I wouldn’t know that it typically takes months to years to get over rather than days to weeks.

however I do suspect that the key return was due to the multiple messages.

i would also not see they key return as ending the friendship and final. She probably feels unable to speak to you and this is her way of communicating. Give it a few months and it may well be things return to some level of normal.

i agree with a previous poster about mirroring. Not so much at a turn level but if someone isn’t engaging with you then either they can’t or don’t want to.

Don’t beat yourself up OP. I think the couple of follow ups was the straw that broke the camel’s back tbh. How close a neighbour in terms of distance is she? Is she next door? I would leave it for now just go about your business but if you do see her just be polite and friendly. Grief affects people in different ways there’s those who want interaction and there’s those who just want to be left alone.