Page 4 | AIBU to be upset about silence and no explanation?

Lifeinblackandwhite · 2026-03-03T17:59:03+00:00

I’m looking for a bit of perspective on a situation that’s left me feeling quite unsettled. A friend and neighbour I’ve always been on good terms with (met up for coffee & lunch, exchanged Christmas and birthday cards, went to the cinema together etc) suddenly went very quiet with me, I know she had a recent bereavement and I sent messages of support and to make it clear I’m around if she needed a chat or to get out the house. We’ve helped each other out in the past with feeding cats and looking after houses when one or the other of us has gone away and had an understanding that we’d support each other out when needed. Recently I reached out to ask if she was available to feed my cat when I go away next month. She read the message, but didn’t respond. I sent a couple of follow-ups (probably out of anxiety more than anything and to check she was ok) just to clarify there was no pressure and that I’d always return the favour if she needed me to. There was still no reply, and then I found the house key I’d given her returned through my door with no note or explanation. Since then, communication seems to have stopped altogether. I think she may have blocked me on WhatsApp as her ‘last seen’ has disappeared. I genuinely don’t know if I’ve done something wrong. I’ve tried to be kind and supportive, especially as she has had a difficult time recently. I’m feeling hurt, confused, and worried I may have upset them without realising. I think it’s also triggered some old feelings from a past friendship where someone withdrew without explanation and ghosted me, so I might be extra sensitive to it. I feel like this is going to keep happening to me and I don’t know why. Has anyone experienced something similar? How do you stop your mind jumping to “it must be me” when there’s no clear answer? And how do I stop ruminating over this, the key through the letterbox feels so final, particularly with no note or explanation. It’s really quite sad.

Mauro711 · 04/03/2026 13:01

Whoknows101 · 04/03/2026 12:32

Really? Just how sensitive is this poor delicate flower who, 6 months down the line of her "grieving process", cannot possibly cope with someone asking her to feed her cat?

What planet are you all living on?

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We don't know that it's 6 months down the line. Let's say the friend died in November, OP then asked her to cat sit a month later, she turned that down, so then OP asked again 2 months after that. I can see how that would have felt completely overwhelming for the neighbour. OP didn't do any of this intentionally of course but at the moment the neighbour probably just wants her to stop contacting her asking for favours, rather than get into a conversation about it.

StrawberrySquash · 04/03/2026 13:00

I think people are being pretty harah on you, OP. The sad fact is that there is no one guaranteed way to support people how they want. We aren't mind readers. Sometimes a would you like to meet for coffee feels like too much. But if no one reaches out then the grieving person also feels hurt. The issue often isn't the friends, it's the grief.

You've got people saying you 'only' texted. You've got people saying you should have gone round. If you'd done that you'd have had people saying you were too much. If you turn up on the doorstep it's putting her on the spot, if you call to arrange first it's asking her to make decisions she's not up to. Etc etc. I've heard people say how hurtful it is when people don't know what to say so cross the street to avoid them. But also it's hard for the people concerned to deal with well meaning friends.

My guess is she's grieving, and therefore being a bit unreasonable. Which is a bit rubbish for you. You are allowed to feel hurt, but also try to forgive. Maybe she'll be in a better place in the future.

TheMorgenmuffel · 04/03/2026 12:58

DoctorMarten · 04/03/2026 12:55

Certainly glad I’m not on your planet.

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Indeed. When my aunt lost her husband of 70 years she barely knew what day of the week it was at 6 months.

DoctorMarten · 04/03/2026 12:55

Whoknows101 · 04/03/2026 12:32

Really? Just how sensitive is this poor delicate flower who, 6 months down the line of her "grieving process", cannot possibly cope with someone asking her to feed her cat?

What planet are you all living on?

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Certainly glad I’m not on your planet.

Whoknows101 · 04/03/2026 12:39

itsnotagameshow · 04/03/2026 11:18

Who knows what is going on with said bereaved friend, depression, anything, if you had been in that situation you would realise it does feel like Buckeroo when people are in touch, sometimes when people are going through it, even the minimum social contact is draining.

If you don't receive a reply, there is no need to make it all about you, a caring note saying you are there for the person if they need something is enough. That doesn't insist on a reply.

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What can possibly be draining about sending a 20 second text message to either say yes or no? This has become some sort of weird accepted fact that such tiny interactions can possibly be damaging in some way to our "mental health". If you believe that nonsense then you are part of the problem I'm afraid.

I'd suggest dropping some keys round without the courtesy of sending a single message of explanation beforehand is a far more physically and emotionally "draining" thing to do, given what a nasty undercurrent that behaviour clearly has.

Its got nothing to do with empathy towards someone going through a difficult time. Just because life is currently hard it doesn't mean its acceptable to use that fact as an easy excuse for such pathetic behaviour.

Mauro711 · 04/03/2026 12:33

dairydebris · 04/03/2026 11:29

Strong disagree.

' friend, I am popping around with a homemade shepherds pie and a trifle. I'll ring once then leave on your doorstep, no worries at all if youre not up to visitors, I totally understand. Thinking of you and maybe see you in a few hours xxx'

' friend, ive attached a meal voucher for take out to this email. Im in town next week, ill drop by with a slice of cake and hot tea about 4. No worries if youre not in. Thinking about you xxx'

Could leave flowers and a handwritten card of your favorite memory of the person who passed. Could leave a book.

Sending a text saying I'm here for you, lazy and careless in my opinion. Especially where the person lives very close.

Bereavement is a time where you realise which of your friends are really there for you. A text does not cut it. Especially where followed with repeat requests for help.

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Oh I would have hated all of that when I was grieving a loss last year. All I wanted was to be left alone, and that lasted quite some time. I did still see and speak to the 3 people nearest to me because they were also grieving, but anyone else was just too much for me to handle and I would have felt awful know that someone was going to be stopping by leaving food (that I couldn't eat as I had zero appetite) on my doorstep. The people pleaser in me would have told me I'd had to then get in touch with them to thank them etc.

Whoknows101 · 04/03/2026 12:32

Paganpentacle · 04/03/2026 12:24

This.
You didnt really listen to her...

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Really? Just how sensitive is this poor delicate flower who, 6 months down the line of her "grieving process", cannot possibly cope with someone asking her to feed her cat?

What planet are you all living on?

Paganpentacle · 04/03/2026 12:24

browneyes77 · 03/03/2026 18:34

It's only been 2 months since Christmas, so if that’s the case, she may feel she’d already told you she wasn’t up to it and didn’t expect you to ask her again (or ask her again so soon), so she may have felt you were being a bit pushy?

‘In future’ in her mind, could be 6+ months down the line. If she’s still grieving, asking again only 2 months later when it’s still quite raw and she thinks she’s already told you once that she can’t do it, may have got her a little peeved

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This.
You didnt really listen to her...

I'llBuyThatForADollar · 04/03/2026 12:21

Please don’t write a letter or card and put it through her door. She’s made it clear that further communication isn’t wanted.
Sorry you’re feeling bad about this OP but I think you need to leave her be.

itsnotagameshow · 04/03/2026 12:06

dairydebris · 04/03/2026 11:48

So you think a supportive text is enough for a bereaved friend? Honestly I thought everyone knew a supportive text is not enough- maybe I'm the unusual one. I was always taught, words are not enough, you show with your actions how you care.

I think the friend might fall more into my camp though.

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That's exactly it, though, isn't it, YOU were taught and YOU believe a supportive text is not enough. Everyone is different, some people would absolutely love what you've suggested and it would add to stress for others.

There's no one size fits all when it comes to grief, so saying you are there for any help needed or support (and meaning it), maybe suggesting useful things like shopping (or making food) but allowing the other person to take you up on it (or not) is better than imposing what you think is best, IMHO.

dairydebris · 04/03/2026 11:48

itsnotagameshow · 04/03/2026 11:34

Again, you presumably would appreciate this. Doesn't follow that everyone else would. Leaving food in presumably your own dishes means the person has to deal with it, they can't just ignore them on the doorstep, it could be a really unwelcome intrusion (never mind they may not like shepherds pie or trifle).

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So you think a supportive text is enough for a bereaved friend? Honestly I thought everyone knew a supportive text is not enough- maybe I'm the unusual one. I was always taught, words are not enough, you show with your actions how you care.

I think the friend might fall more into my camp though.

itsnotagameshow · 04/03/2026 11:34

dairydebris · 04/03/2026 11:29

Strong disagree.

' friend, I am popping around with a homemade shepherds pie and a trifle. I'll ring once then leave on your doorstep, no worries at all if youre not up to visitors, I totally understand. Thinking of you and maybe see you in a few hours xxx'

' friend, ive attached a meal voucher for take out to this email. Im in town next week, ill drop by with a slice of cake and hot tea about 4. No worries if youre not in. Thinking about you xxx'

Could leave flowers and a handwritten card of your favorite memory of the person who passed. Could leave a book.

Sending a text saying I'm here for you, lazy and careless in my opinion. Especially where the person lives very close.

Bereavement is a time where you realise which of your friends are really there for you. A text does not cut it. Especially where followed with repeat requests for help.

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Again, you presumably would appreciate this. Doesn't follow that everyone else would. Leaving food in presumably your own dishes means the person has to deal with it, they can't just ignore them on the doorstep, it could be a really unwelcome intrusion (never mind they may not like shepherds pie or trifle).

dairydebris · 04/03/2026 11:29

itsnotagameshow · 04/03/2026 11:21

But that's assuming that's what the person wants. You may find those actions caring, others may find them intrusive. The best course of action is to say you are here for the person, and can help with anything they may need practically too. That's not imposing what you think is helpful when it might not be received that way.

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Strong disagree.

' friend, I am popping around with a homemade shepherds pie and a trifle. I'll ring once then leave on your doorstep, no worries at all if youre not up to visitors, I totally understand. Thinking of you and maybe see you in a few hours xxx'

' friend, ive attached a meal voucher for take out to this email. Im in town next week, ill drop by with a slice of cake and hot tea about 4. No worries if youre not in. Thinking about you xxx'

Could leave flowers and a handwritten card of your favorite memory of the person who passed. Could leave a book.

Sending a text saying I'm here for you, lazy and careless in my opinion. Especially where the person lives very close.

Bereavement is a time where you realise which of your friends are really there for you. A text does not cut it. Especially where followed with repeat requests for help.

PollyBell · 04/03/2026 11:26

If she wanted to feed your cat she would say so now I would leave it at that and move on

It is simple really

itsnotagameshow · 04/03/2026 11:21

dairydebris · 04/03/2026 10:26

Yes, this.

Telling someone you're there for them and to reach out if they need anything is the absolute minimum a friend should do. Seeing as shes a neighbor aswell I'd definitely have dropped home cooked food on her doorstep, knocked on her door with flowers or a bottle of wine, a few times actually showed up. Sending a text saying I'm here for you is bullshit. It puts the onus on someone grieving to make the first move which they may not be capable of.

If you just sent a few texts of support but actually did nothing to help her, then sent her repeated texts asking for HER help, then that'll be why shes had enough of you.

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But that's assuming that's what the person wants. You may find those actions caring, others may find them intrusive. The best course of action is to say you are here for the person, and can help with anything they may need practically too. That's not imposing what you think is helpful when it might not be received that way.

itsnotagameshow · 04/03/2026 11:18

Whoknows101 · 04/03/2026 09:47

Can people please stop blaming the OP for the poor behaviour of her "friend".

"Thanks for your support, much appreciated. I'm not feeling up to socialising at the mo but I'll let you know when I'm feeling a bit better".

"I'm really sorry but I'm not able to help you out with your cat at the moment - I'll let you know when I'm back in a position to help".

Each of those took 20 seconds to write, zero thought or "mental energy". Could be sent days or even weeks after receiving a message if the recipient was "too xxx to reply immediately".

Why on earth are there so many people willing to excuse such nonsensical reasons for behaving like this? This "friend" is just a dick who has decided she can get away with being rude and treat people badly because something bad has happened in her own life. It's pathetic.

Who knows what is going on with said bereaved friend, depression, anything, if you had been in that situation you would realise it does feel like Buckeroo when people are in touch, sometimes when people are going through it, even the minimum social contact is draining.

If you don't receive a reply, there is no need to make it all about you, a caring note saying you are there for the person if they need something is enough. That doesn't insist on a reply.

daisychain01 · 04/03/2026 11:07

Whoknows101 · 04/03/2026 07:28

Like what exactly? Has she had both hands amputated? Lost all fine motor control?

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There are no words.

Namechangeyname · 04/03/2026 10:58

Jamfirstnotcream · 03/03/2026 21:50

I discussed this recently with a friend who is ND who was told they overstepped and we talked about mirroring .
So essentially you mirror the time put in ., effort and contact of the other person.
I didnt notice at first that they had replied to say no , then you followed up twice, then asked again.
It sounds like they found this overwhelming .

With mirroring you would ask once ,reply to thank them for clarify, wish them well then STOP until they contact you again.
Its a bit like chess, you wait your turn etc

Hope this is helpful @Lifeinblackandwhite

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This is such a helpful explanation - thank you!

OP, I really related to your comment about not knowing whether someone is a friend or close friend. I struggle with that too.

DoctorMarten · 04/03/2026 10:57

Whoknows101 · 04/03/2026 09:47

Can people please stop blaming the OP for the poor behaviour of her "friend".

"Thanks for your support, much appreciated. I'm not feeling up to socialising at the mo but I'll let you know when I'm feeling a bit better".

"I'm really sorry but I'm not able to help you out with your cat at the moment - I'll let you know when I'm back in a position to help".

Each of those took 20 seconds to write, zero thought or "mental energy". Could be sent days or even weeks after receiving a message if the recipient was "too xxx to reply immediately".

Why on earth are there so many people willing to excuse such nonsensical reasons for behaving like this? This "friend" is just a dick who has decided she can get away with being rude and treat people badly because something bad has happened in her own life. It's pathetic.

Wow. Extraordinary lack of empathy.

DoctorMarten · 04/03/2026 10:56

I’d send a card acknowledging you were insensitive and that you realise on reflection that asking so soon was crass. Send her good wishes and say you’re there when/ if she ever wants to reconnect.

raspberets · 04/03/2026 10:47

Lifeinblackandwhite · 03/03/2026 19:11

@OneBlueFinch

I didn’t realise I was being pushy. Maybe I need to go back to the drawing board in terms of my communication. Not an excuse but I hate having autism. It makes everything harder. Maybe I took her message of “I can’t do it right now, but I’m not saying no for the future” too literally, as that’s what my brain is like. I don’t do nuance. I think in black and white, hence my username.

I really don’t think I acted totally awfully though, I didn’t just message asking for her help, I was also messaging her to say I was thinking about her and that I’m around whenever she needs a chat/cry/catch up or coffee. Even just a walk together to clear her head.

There’s nothing wrong in accepting you’ve read the situation incorrectly this time OP. You can learn from this and forgive yourself.

dairydebris · 04/03/2026 10:43

Katiesaidthat · 04/03/2026 10:39

If she cant cope with a text, how would she cope with an actual visit invading her sanctuary space?

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The point isn't whether the bereaved answered or not, which they may well not. The point is the bereaved can see whos actually taken action and put some effort and love in and actually shown up.
Messages saying I'm here for you are easy to send and mean virtually nothing.

Katiesaidthat · 04/03/2026 10:39

muddyford · 04/03/2026 07:29

Did you actually go round and visit her, or was it all through messages?

If she cant cope with a text, how would she cope with an actual visit invading her sanctuary space?

Katiesaidthat · 04/03/2026 10:30

Lifeinblackandwhite · 03/03/2026 19:08

@Jamfirstnotcream

I didn’t just ask straight away, I messaged in between to check in on her, asked if she wanted to meet for coffee or a walk to get out the house and chat. I was trying my best to show I care. Maybe I just fucked up.
I have autism (not an excuse I know) but obviously I don’t know how to have proper relationships with people. It’s sad. I thought I was being a supportive friend, but also made it clear I was there to help her whenever she needed and that there was no pressure.

Sometimes OP, you are damned if you do, and damned if you don´t. If you offer help/support you are pushy, if you don´t (to give the person space) you are cold/removed or don´t give a damn.
Don´t feel to bad about it.

dairydebris · 04/03/2026 10:26

HK04 · 04/03/2026 07:31

Lots of people say something along the lines of if you need me/anything I’m here. Few folk struggling reach out though. Better to think up something appropriate and do it. If someone near or closer to keep giving. Words don’t really make you or your situation more bearable but thoughtful actions can.

She was bereaved last Autumn and clearly not coping. That’s understandable. It can be like buckaroo to be asked to do something more even feeding a cat when in that bad place so she maybe has perceived your messages as something else that’s a stressor.

Sounds to me like her cup is empty and she just wants to be left alone. Leave it for now.

Yes, this.

Telling someone you're there for them and to reach out if they need anything is the absolute minimum a friend should do. Seeing as shes a neighbor aswell I'd definitely have dropped home cooked food on her doorstep, knocked on her door with flowers or a bottle of wine, a few times actually showed up. Sending a text saying I'm here for you is bullshit. It puts the onus on someone grieving to make the first move which they may not be capable of.

If you just sent a few texts of support but actually did nothing to help her, then sent her repeated texts asking for HER help, then that'll be why shes had enough of you.