AIBU to be upset about silence and no explanation?

You're not a crap person. I actually don't think you've done much wrong. She's ghosted you when she could have given you an explanation even by what's app. You asked her to look after your cat. Hardly the worst thing in the world.

You seriously don't need to beat yourself up over this. Being ghosted is completely horrible

I really dont think its helpful to keep pointing out who is wrong/ not wrong in situations like this
There has clearly been a communication mismatch and the Op may have receptive and expressive communication difficulties
Overall it feels like the Op is focused on getting their needs met, asked once,sent what they thought were 2 supportive messages, then asked AGAIN.

The outcome is that the neighbour doesnt feel listened to or understood.

Ultimately I would not have bothered someone who was recently bereaved with a request for petsitting
Culturally in the UK support is provided in to the bereaved not out

Hi, i’ve read all your responses and I think you sound like a lovely, thoughtful person. I think your neighbour has been pretty cruel to be honest. I think I have autistic traits, and I too find it exhausting to try and read all these social cues. I hope you’re okay. I’m please don’t feel badly of yourself. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.

Like you, I can't tell the difference between casual acquaintances and friendships well, but this situation, I feel, isn't just about that, or necessarily about being a mind reader (though I do think that would help).

It's about not making each situation about you and your feelings, often unconsciously. Most people, even NT people, do this, some more than others, and don't even realise it. OP isn't being selfish deliberately, or misreading cues, she's being human. Humans are inherently self-absorbed, it's a survival trait. Some people (and I am a long way from being one of them) don't have this trait to such a profound level, or have learnt techniques to tame it.

If we look at a very simple exchange example the OP gave us: "I'm there for you". Sounds great, doesn't it? Sounds like a lovely friend. OP certainly meant it with the best intentions.

But that sentence is, fundamentally about the OP. It's telling the other person something about the OP, rather than asking the person about themselves. Bearing in mind that the other person in this situation is not only also human, with that same self-absorption trait, but has an added layer of grief on top of that, subconsciously what they actually read isn't 'I'm there for you' as an offer of help, but 'I'm there for you' as a reminder that OP exists, and on top of everything else, they've got to think about OP. It can read as though OP is asking to be included in something that isn't about her.

So, how could OP reframe that, if she were to find herself in that situation again? Instead of stating that she's there, she could simply ask, 'how are you?'. That puts the other person front and centre. It takes the 'I' out of it, and makes the recipient feel, again, subconsciously, that the OP is thinking about them, rather than wanting the recipient to think about her.

Dealing with others' grief is so very hard for those outside. When I met the man who would become my husband, he was dealing with a terrible close personal tragedy. The biggest lesson I learned through that really intense experience, was to listen.. And asking how someone is, shows you want to listen.

I'm still not good at the art of listening in general. Nor have I got rid of my tendency to think about myself. It's taken some bloody hard honesty to admit that sometimes, for me, 'being there' wasn't something I did for the other person, it was something I did for me. To show what a good friend I was, to boost my value in the eyes of the other person.

I've got a friend who has always been good at this. So good she became a Samaritan. For some rare, beautiful people, it comes easy. For most of us it takes effort. For some of us, it's much harder. And it isn't because those people are awful people. It's just a skill it takes us more effort to acquire. But I do believe we can acquire it. It will never be easy for us, or natural, but being aware that it's something we aren't good at is a big first step.

Hi op
I totally understand how you’re feeling about this. I had what I thought was a good friendship with someone who had some problems and I was very supportive. She was supportive with my anxiety too. We went on a lot of walks and I’d go round to her house and chat with coffee etc.
She had to move a few miles away. Since she moved she’s cut some of her old friends off, including me, as she says she had a horrible few years (not caused by me) and wants to forget and move on.
I messaged her which she said was fine. We met up, when I told her I missed her, and she was upset at how upset I was about her going low contact. Made her feel guilty.
A month ago, Ingot really stressed about not knowing whether the friendship was going to continue.
I tried texting and then ringing. No answer, so I sent a few more long texts. Then texted to apologise about my messages as I could see they weren’t being replied to.
She sent me an angry text telling my to “please STOP! And how she just wanted to move in and had tried to explain it to me, and it wasn’t about anything I had done. Then she blocked me. Being like you, I was devastated, but am now trying to get over it and learn from it. I understand where you are coming from as I was obsessed and trying desperately to fix it or come to a nice resolution x

Hi OP

i just wanted to say that I was diagnosed autistic (and actually I’m pretty obviously AuDHD) in my 50s, and you sound so similar to me in your thought processes … and I don’t think you’ve done ANYTHING wrong here . You’re not a mind-reader; none of us are, not even NT people!

Your neighbour is grieving. Maybe that’s affected her behaviour towards you; maybe it hasn’t, but nothing you’ve described about your interactions with her suggests that you’ve behaved in anything other than a sensitive and supportive way.

My mind was blown during one of my autism assessment sessions when the psychiatrist asked me if I understood the difference between friendship and acquaintances specifically within my life. “Yes of course!” I answered confidently, then suddenly realised with an absolutely crushing sense of horror that I have misunderstood this my entire life, and that I’ve had many important-to-me “friendships” that simply aren’t viewed with the same level of importance by the other person. It’s been really tough coming to terms with this. You mentioned having a therapist - I’d discuss with them if you feel up to it.

If its causing this much difficulty in your life amd personal relationships then seeking a formal diagnosis might be helpful?
There are treatments available and combined with CBT it might improve things @Lifeinblackandwhite

I suspect, and it can only be a suspicion because we only have your side of the story, and we can't know what you friend was thinking, that the follow up messages were the problem.

You've tried to be thoughtful yes, in following up saying 'no pressure' etc, I totally understand where you're coming from, but that in itself is pressure and bombardment about it. Perhaps my follow up, if I was concerned at there being no response, would have been more along the lines of 'I realise I may have been a bit insensitive in asking you again. I'm sorry, it wasn't intended, I'll sort out a cattery/pet sitter. How are things for you at the moment? Would you like to come over for a wine/take away/chat, I've missed you'. Or something akin.

Yes, you keep saying that, and at the time, she probably genuinely meant it.

But perhaps she wasn't expecting to be asked again so soon, and, when she didn't respond, to be badgered about it.

People are allowed to change their mind, at any time.

You're looking at this from a very 'you' perspective, not considering that perhaps she just has a lot going on.

I mean, goodness, when one of my friends wasn't responding, it turns out she was dealing with a sudden blood cancer diagnosis.

It's not all about you.

Sometimes people want peace, without anything being asked of them. I often feel like this. At some points, I'll bend over backwards to help my friends. At other points, I wish they'd lay off with the pressure and asking for things. And then I keep quiet, to avoid saying something harsh and unnecessary. That's personally speaking, of course. Sometimes, we're just at a point in life when we don't want to people putting things on us.

Her returning the key was her telling you that.

@Lifeinblackandwhite
Have you considered whether this might be pure OCD, this takes the form of obsessional thoughts not physical compulsions ?
Apologies but I found your other thread and it seems you have had this same issue previously.
There is a big crossover with AUDHD ,around 30%

It can be related to serotonin deficiency and is treated with medication and CBT, immersing yourself in outdoor activities and nature to manage stress.

Agree that you probably come across as very intense and this is causing people to withdraw from you

This is intended to be supportive and I hope you can find a way to navigate this

I'll be direct, not to be harsh, but because it often helps me when people are direct too.

I think it was quite insensitive and selfish to ask her favours so soon after a bereavement. She only lost them in the Autumn (very vague, could have been not that long before Christmas), but in any case, already at Christmas time you're asking her for favours. The woman was, and is, grieving.

This being said, it depends on the type of bereavement - partner, parent, child? Something like that - you shouldn't have been asking anything of her for a very long time.

If I was grieving and a 'friend' asked me for favours within just weeks/a couple months, I'd be gutted.

I will help anyone and everyone, and my friends always come to me for help. But at some points, it feels too much. And that's before you add in a bereavement.

It's not so much black and white thinking. This is honestly something I've had to address myself, and a piece of advice I read years ago helped me no end.

You're thinking about you. Not her. Your post has a lot of 'I' in it. This is the mistake I've made and still do, though I try harder not to, and this was the crux of the advice I read.

Being a good friend in this situation isn't about what you think is helpful and supportive. It isn't about how you read situations or understand social interactions. To her, your messages of support aren't about her at all. They are about you. You want to see her, you want to hear from her.

Think about the posts you've sent her. Leaving aside the cat, you've asked her if she wants to meet up, you've told her you are 'there for her'. She knows that. But 'being there' for someone means letting them come to you. If you keep telling them about your obvious 'thereness', you are inserting yourself into their mental space, a subconscious indication that you aren't thinking about them, you are requiring them to think about you.

Don't think about you. It's actually really hard to do this with or without ND, because most of us view other people through the lens of their relationship to us. This doesn't make you a bad person, it actually makes you like most of us.

Think about her. If she wants to connect, she knows where you are. You constantly feeling the need to tell her where you are is about your need. Not hers.

She'll find you again when she's ready. This isn't about you, what you've done, etc. This is about her and what she needs. Every minute you spend worrying about what you did wrong, you are thinking about you. And therein lies the problem.

OP, I have autism too and I have to say you're coming across as very, very intense. I do wonder if that comes across in your messages to people in real life and they find it all a bit much?

My DH and our kids all have autism. There are difference between how it manifests for each of them - but when someone behaves in a way that hurts them after previously acting like a good friend, it hits them all very hard. I’ve taught them all to view it as data received and move on.

Needing to know why something happens means my DH is amazing at his job but it does leave him vulnerable in his personal life. I had a lot of childhood trauma so I overanalyse everthing so we suit each other and both value loyalty highly. He’s definitely had experiences similar to yours. He is marmite - people love him or strongly dislike him, few are ambivalent to him, but if they don’t get him then it’s their loss.

You won’t be the only person in her life she’s treated this way I shouldn’t think. There is nothing wrong with you that you need to work out here. I’m sure there’s a famous quote along the lines of what other people think of you is none of your business. What you have to decide is what treatment you willing to accept and also accept that other people do have the right to walk away however they choose to do it.

We’ve found a friendship home in ultrarunning, CrossFit and hyrox. I can’t do much as I have health issues but I still fit in the community, our gym is really social and whilst there are individual friendship groups there are also monthly group socials and group walks that are open to everyone - so you get a ready made social group too. Sometimes when people are there to do something not just be friends there is space for deeper friendships to grow.

I'm not minimising the upset because I also find it upsetting

But I don't always think it's because you've done anything wrong particularly

Unfortunately we just have to accept these things sometimes for what they are and move on

I think thinking in terms of fault and explanations feeds the loop you’re in.

It isn’t nice, you’re feelings are hurt, it feels unnecessary to you but it’s happened and you can’t change that, you were just being you and you didn’t see it coming so you couldn’t have mitigated against it. Choosing to “ghost” is not a decision most people would make, they would give a slow fade that means subconsciously you can prepare. There were signs she was pulling away. I think you saw them but ignored them because that isn’t what you wanted. The only thing you can control now is moving on. The rumination loop you’re in often keeps you feeling some control but you’re harming yourself not them. Did someone earlier say you wouldn’t ask a snake why it bit you? It feels personal but that is the spin you’re putting on it. If you were in a boat in a fog and another boat forcefully banged into yours and you were hurt you would want to blame the people in the other board but if the fog then cleared and you saw the other boat was empty that blame feeling would dissipate but you’d still be hurt. she had different values to you. I suspect uou wouldn’t treat someone who you had a relationship with like she has even if you wanted to not be friends anymore. She has. Data received.

Hey OP, just skimmed through but... I cannot really see what you have done 'wrong'. Asking someone to look after a cat several months after a bereavement isn't something most people would see as unreasonable, especially given there was a prior arrangement in place.

It may well be that your neighbour is just in a bad place, and grief can make people do crazy things. I can see why you are hurt by the key through the door thing.

I am neurodivergent like you, and sometimes I think we 'over-internalise' and always presume we are the problem, when it's often just as likely to be an issue with the other person, or simply a misunderstanding.

Please just leave her to it. As a good friend of mine says - 'don't rent space in other people's minds' - you cannot know what she is truly thinking and feeling. No matter how much you try. You cannot do everything right or make sure everyone always likes you.