To say that when dating, you should never tell a man you’re alone is this world?

Or a predatory paedophile whose past is just about to catch up with him.

Yes, let's all speak to decent men only, why hadn't we thought of that?!

(hint: it's because not-decent men don't go around advertising it, and some are really very clever at hiding red flags)

How do you know he's a decent man? There are plenty that aren't and he's not going to announce it on the first, or even third date.

Side point to this, I've noticed men from other countries often treat you better. And it's not because they are from other countries, its because they don't know how men treat women in yours so they are more likely to er on the side of caution and assume they should behave like gentlemen.

For example I've heard American women say they want to date englishmen for their manners (lol) but I've dated three Americans in some way shape or form and all of them paid on the dates and generally behaved super respectfully. And I'm under no illusion that all Americans are like that.

Men are influenced by how they perceive other men treat you. If they aren't sure, they are cautious and treat you better. They assume your standards might be higher if you're from a different country.

I agree with you, and have been thinking a lot about this recently. If you are vulnerable and tell a new partner about any ill treatment from other men without really knowing them then you are telling them what boundaries you have ignored in the past and showing them what you will put up with.

this sounds absolutely nuts to me!
What happens if the relationship becomes serious, at some point you have to admit you completely made up an 'uncle' because you thought your partner might be abusive - that's hardly going to go down well!

I wouldn't go around announcing that I was all alone in the world anyway - it's hardly fun first date conversation is it? By all means take sensible precautions - things like telling someone where you are going and what time you expect to be back, meeting in busy places at day time in an area you know well, etc. but better advice would be to actually build a real safety network (of people of either sex) than invent one.

If only it were the 19th century, rather than the present day America it clearly is (men as protectors, retired pastor - what?).

Well, present day American AI slop.

They were absolutely no use when my ex boyfriend tried to murder me, in the house that they didn’t live in so obviously weren’t there.
It was also my mother broke his nose, in fairness.

@SleeplessInWherever I'm so sorry you went through this -except for your mother. She's badass!

Well I wouldn't blabber on about being alone and without family or friends, and would be cautious at first meetings, but inventing a male () protector is just weird and, as per a PP, a bit sexist.

Having a large family didn't prevent my DD becoming entangled with an abuser, whom she ended up being with in a cabin in an isolated spot in a foreign country, where he further tried to isolate her from family and friends.
It was her sister and I (a middle-aged, female non-pastor) who gave the loud and constant LTB message, and me who flew out to rescue her.

You want me to pretend my dad didn't drop down dead suddenly when I was a child and both my siblings didn't die in childbirth and that my male family members all give a shit about me?

In order to avoid dating an abusive twat? I'd rather tell the truth and if someone's a twat I'm perfectly capable of telling them to use the door.

This makes no sense. Plenty of women who have men in their lives are vulnerable, and many women who don't are not especially vulnerable.

Of course it's a bad idea to appear lonely, desperate or naive but I don't think that has a single thing to do with having a man in your life or not.

I think if you are speaking with a decent man then none of that stuff matters and you don't have to invent any bullshit.

I think if you get to the point you're dropping in made up men then your gut already knows he's a wrong'un. We can pick up predators sniffing the water sometimes.

But yes it's wise to do certain things to protect yourself. For example, never mention past abuse.

When it comes to exs make it 'oh we just drifted apart and decided to go our seperate ways/were no longer compatible'. Make it clear you have no time for nonsense but not in a way that implies you ever did. Because they'll always think 'oh maybe she will tolerate it again'

Fuck that nonsense.

So on a date I would always make it known someone is waiting on me, maybe say a friend is staying with me or something. Doesn't have to be a guy, just someone so they know I will be missed. Horrid to think about really.

Honestly - it sounds mad but lots of men and people see a lack of family as means to treat you like shit.

So, I completely understand why you'd tell those around you that you have a father somewhere, even when its not true

Men fear other men

Like pp I agree with not painting yourself as lonely or alone , inventing someone is strange , how far do you go ? Their name, address , job , judo status,are they married, got dcs? You could get very tied in knots with lies.

I think it's much better to be self assured ( not easy for everyone I know ) and don't tell them everything all at once , I am not saying lie or invent stuff , just don't give them your whole life history within the 1st 2 moths of dating.

Exactly this.

And given some of the wet lettuce men being posted about on MN, I don't understand why the OP thinks the 'retired pastor' is automatically going to conjure up an image of Dwayne The Rock Johnson and not Kevin from Motherland?

I think it would be wise not to let it be known that you don't have a support network. I don't see why that has to mean a supportive man. I don't think abusers would latch on to a woman because she had no father figure, but he might if she seems to have minimal support network in general. An abusive man can just as easily alienate you from a male or female supporter.

I think if you lack support from friends or family then it can make you more vulnerable. But it doesn't need to be a man. Just some kind of support system. A good female family member eg mum, sister, aunt, cousin is better than a man in my opinion. Far more supportive.

Why would anyone want to tell a pack of lies, rather than just not mention they're estranged from their family?

I can't say I've ever been on a date where I've been asked whether I'm still in touch with my uncles or male cousins.

I think inventing a fictional person that is close enough to be protective of you is setting yourself up for relationship failure, because sooner or later it's going to come out that the fictional protector is not real. It's never good to start a relationship with a lie.

I agree with not pointing out your lack of support system, but an even better move would be to cultivate one. I know that is a LOT easier said than done, but if I were alone in the world I'd be putting my effort into cultivating close friendships, and probably developing a long term relationship with a counsellor who can help me work out any red flags in the men I'm dating. burnt Haystack Dating method is excellent for that, by the way.

This is a bit batshit to me.

When I first went NC with my family there was a lot of shame and guilt around that decision - it wasn't normalised like it is now. Beginning to tell people (including men I was dating) felt very freeing, and also deepened several friendships - and it was also a reason DP and I bonded, as he also had a difficult relationship with his parents. We instinctively knew how that had shaped us both.

Being estranged from my family has never meant that I'm vulnerable or easily manipulated (frankly, a lot of the people I've known who are like this have had what I'd describe as cosseted upbringings and are naive because of it). Firstly, I've always had a strong support network of friends. Secondly, having a lone wold mentality meant that when dating I was crystal clear that I did not need a relationship, nor even want one in many cases - I was very content alone and if a man didn't enhance my life then what use did I have for him beyond sex?

Yes, everyone knows that abusers tremble at the thought of retired pastors.

If you think of yourself of some sort or damsel in distress then I can fully see why this might be problematic- most grown ups don’t.