Nursery teacher dating my sons dad

“You should have an open and respectful relationship with nursery regarding your son and his progress and should be able to feel you can discuss your sons day without feeling awkward because you’re her boyfriend’s ex.
Completely agree. This is how I would frame it to the nursery Op.”

Remove the “safeguarding” wording from your communications with the nursery as it’s inappropriate and not applicable.

Request a new key worker in writing.

Talk to DC’s dad and discuss what consent you both have or have not given to Nursery re trips / pick ups / photos etc.

The OP cannot simply take the child out of the nursery unless with joint consent of the child's father.

Not necessarily. That's like saying if a parent works with their child they will be confused.
Similar happened somewhere I worked but the key worker requested a room change so it wasn't an issue.
You can ask for a new key worker but she's probably avoiding you because you are accusing her of not safeguarding your child. If neither of you feel comfortable then it's either a new key worker or new setting.

I don't see the safeguarding issue and - with love - if your ex and this woman end up in a serious relationship, she will end up living with him and your child will be around her a lot.

It's a bit weird but I'd try and see this as a love grows, not divides situation. There's someone else out there looking out for your child. I'd actually like that someone with a vested interest in my son's wellbeing was around him when neither me or his dad could be. From your child's perspective, the person he sees at home at his dad's being there all day too is a good thing?

So your ex is telling you that he didn't consent to his girlfriend removing your son form the building? Seems odd that he's offering up that information and landing her in it - I don't know, given his evident lack of consideration for anyone but himself, that I'd believe him. Sounds like it's possible he's telling you that to cover his arse and keep you on-side.

Probably as the child is older so they can understand better, also he's widowed so again a very different situation altogether. A 1/2/3 year old will find this confusing.

I would not like this. Can you pull him out or switch nurseries?

This exact thing happened to me and I remember feeling very confused and conflicted by the whole situation. Ultimately, I made the decision to remove my son and place him in another nursery. This wasn't necessarily due to any safeguarding concerns but more as I wanted to delineate between the various settings that he found himself in. Good luck.

Yes, I would find a new nursery.

The relationship isn't a safeguarding issue but if she's taking him off site without your consent that is a serious issue.

Well if the woman is not a safeguarding concern when she's not dating your ex, she's not suddenly going to become one because she is. Unless your ex himself is a concern and has form for coercing women into irresponsible or safeguarding worthy behaviour?

If it doesn't breach the policy of the nursery then it's true it's none of their business who their staff or clients date.

I completely understand you not being happy about it in many ways though.

But if the alternative is he has a new gf with no experience with children who you know nothing about then that could be much more of a 'concern' potentially.

You should have an open and respectful relationship with nursery regarding your son and his progress and should be able to feel you can discuss your sons day without feeling awkward because you’re her boyfriend’s ex.

Completely agree. This is how I would frame it to the nursery Op.

And, whatever the actual regulations, dc are in nursery such a short time. You'd think someone with an interest in children (and a father of a child) would have the decency to just wait till the child moved on to pursue the relationship. I can see why this has distressed you Op.

True, but in every one of those relationships is a woman who surprisingly isn't putting the child first either, and being very unprofessional.

You will have given consent at the beginning, it’s a key part of registering a child in a setting. You give them permission to take over caring for your child between the hours of X and Y and that includes overarching consent for the nursery to decide ‘it’s a sunny day let’s walk the babies outside/ let’s take the toddlers to the park’ etc. it’s very unlikely you haven’t already consented to this.

I’m not sure why you would be asking about her in the room or why they said no, she’s his key worker of course she’s going to be largely in his room.

I don’t think anyone is watching you and waiting to kick off, unless you have kicked off?

All you can realistically do is ask for a new key worker, which shouldn’t be an issue, or remove your child from the setting but obviously that comes with its own set of issues with you and your ex.

could your ex have consented, though? I consented to everything my DD does - they don’t ring my husband because he didn’t sign the form off. One parent’s consent seems to be enough.

It sounds like perhaps communications are a bit strained between you, as well, so I’d imagine it’s entirely possible that he’s done that without telling you?

AND is it possible that he’s doing that knowing that it will piss you off, make you complain, and then give the nursery staff the impression that you’re unreasonable? Is he manipulative? Or is he just thoughtless?

This

Its always 'safeguarding concerns'

People use the word to shut people up and take the moral highground. Often they just look stupid.

Not been the case in any school I've worked in.

OP for goodness sake take a breath.

Ask to speak to someone at pickup, or call.

The nursery didn’t force your ex to start dating a worker, and provided there’s no harm coming to the child, it’s not that deep.

I’m assuming he went to a playground or library etc, and not a weapons factory.

Does dad consent to that? OP cant just unilaterally make those decisions.

Yes, me too. I think it is 'surprisingly common' because far too many men have no limits or boundaries and simply don't care enough about their children. When relationships break down, these men then consider themselves completely free to date who they want with no thought for the wider impact. Not quite the same but I remember my brother in law and father in law gleefully discussing who would get to do school pick up because their child / grandchild's teacher looked like a particular filmstar who they both fancied. No thought for the fact that with their pathetic banter they were making the child's mother feel embarrassed and inferior (and they were still together at the time - not anymore!) and turning something that should be child-focussed into another arena for men to dominate and objectify women. Fuckwits. Well they're long since divorced and he is miserable so at least there's that.

Most settings will ask you to give blanket consent for local trips every year so that they don't need to ask every time they go to the park / library etc. Check if you or your co-parent has done this before you go in all guns blazing.

If the staff are lying to you then this is a separate issue and would be a legitimate reason to move your child.

Well said!
My dd’s father started casually dating one of her teachers after a few months of flirting at the school gates. We were still together when it started but similar twatty man thinking with his penis and oblivious to his own child.

We give consent at the start of every academic year, not for each individual outing. If you’ve done the same at some stage, they already have consent.

I’m not sure why they would need to lie about her being in the same room. If she’s his key worker, she should be in the same room. Not sure why it’d be a problem that she was, it’s her job.

I wouldn’t move him, I’d ask for a new key worker, and I wouldn’t “kick off” either - rise above and stay polite and professional.

I mean, my kid’s key worker takes her off site to the little park nearby or whatever and they don’t ask for consent to do that. That’s normal. Your son’s shouldn’t be avoiding you, because you’re also your son’s parent, so I would ask for a new key worker, but I don’t think there’s a safeguarding issue unless you believe she’s failing to communicate with you regarding your child’s welfare?

I think you need to be careful how you’re framing your issue here as well because making spurious safeguarding related accusations around normal nursery outings makes you look like a jealous ex rather than a parent who is rightly concerned that her child’s key worker won’t speak to her.

If this nursery worker is unprofessional enough to avoid the mother of her key child because she's shagging the child's father, I'd also be wary of what happens if they split up. If he dumps her, cheats on her etc. Will she be professional enough to not take it out on the child?

I'd be insisting on a new keyworker.