To tell him to come back later.

Dear God! A man having to pay to feed and clothe his children, and their mother still doesn't dance to his tune!

OP, he is an entitled ass and you are handling him correctly. Training him to respect you, even.

I am 100% in agreement with what you did.

This wasn't a one-off, this is how he often behaves.

I think it's to remind you that he's the more powerful one (according to him 🙄). He's trying to control everything, he's not interested in compromising, or sticking to agreed times.

Tough. Keep making your point, OP, and stick to agreed times.

💐

Whatever his motives, giving him a rebuke was never going to end well and.it was petty

If he is 5 mins away couldn't eldest pop back to pick up the uniform later or over the weekend?

This

I think you need to have a fairly firm word with your eldest - that she is not to make arrangements with him without discussing with you first, because thats just a sensible rule for people living under the same roof when some are dependent on others for help/stuff/transport etc.

And re-iterate to him that he makes arrangements with you, not with the kids, and that ignoring that means they may arrive without stuff they need, or he may be sat waiting a long time.

Then stick to your time frames. If he arranges with your DD to meet earlier, but you're stopping for food on the way home, tough shit, he waits or goes home and comes back. If he turns up early to pick them up and they haven't had their bags packed and don't have things they'll need they can go without and do without or leave him waiting (your choice, not theirs.)

They will all learn.

You reward behaviour, you train the person to exhibit that behaviour. It's just people responding to incentives.

Exactly... we don't ever want to stop communication but it got to the stage where stepson was setting his alarm to get up at maybe 7am on the weekend, so he could go downstairs to sit by phone his phone and await a text from his stepdad (his mum doesn't drive) saying hes early or that he's left their house. Exchange is at 10.30am (chosen by his mother funnily enough). Meanwhile we might be in bed, or we could be dealing with the younger kids, one of us could be out at swimming lessons etc... I might not have his washing sorted to go back (we do both have our own clothing but sometimes he will arrive in uniform and need to.fo back in PE kit or normal clothes if no school etc).

I will say we are super flexible where we can be with notice... like his mum had asked to keep him an extra day in the summer for a concert and we agreed straight away, we often hang onto him longer in the summer holidays if they are working, we will collect him for sports activities on her time if needs be but all this only works when we have enough notice to be flexible!

I can only go from my experience with my stepson... when he got a phone we ended up having to limit it because his mother and her partner became overbearing. My husband would only ever text him the odd time if he had an exam, or had a game and wished dhik luck type of thing. However his mother was messaging him everyday and my stepson was actually afraid to go to the bathroom without his phone or out playing with his friends in the garden because if he didn't respond straight away to her she would be blowing up his phone and blowing up my husbands emails. I'm not saying that'll happen with you but it was a serious pressure and my husband really had to put his foot down.

On the exchange days, his stepfather was messaging him to say he was at the local shop to get him. We are always 5mins early so there'd never need to be a text really. But the texts were getting earlier and earlier every time and again my stepson was thinking he had to hurry up, had to.geg up earlier, if we were out he'd be trying to rush us back etc.

It's all well and good people saying he was only an hour early and you were being petty but clearly you've said ye don't have a great relationship and you don't think he'll be open to mediation... so why would you be the one bending over backwards for him. It sounds like you hadn't even seen much of your kids that day yourself so that hour is precious IMO.

Exactly 💯
In the long run it'll stress the kids out thinking they have to jump when Daddy texts

I do agree with pick your battles, but also see that it’s tiring having to do so. Ifthis was a one off that’s one thing, but this sounds like a pattern of behaviour and I get you being frustrated. And I hate that as women were told we have to tiptoe around men to make their lives easier and let things go. He absolutely should have consulted you to make sure things were sorted instead of asking his child and doing so after texting you twice feels sneaky.

So this ongoing inappropriate behaviour by him and yes you do need to put a boundary in place. He is being unfair on your DC to involve them.

It would be very different if he messaged them saying “if you are free earlier let me know, check with your mum” but he isn’t is he.

I CANNOT stand early people
1 hour early is bad manners
Sounds like ex was trying to make a power play
He deserved to be sent away for not following instructions and for going through the child
Too sly

I feel your frustration, and don't believe you have fone anything wrong.

It is unreasonable of him to contact the 11-year-old to make changes to.an arrangement he has already made with the OP.

OP is 100% right to push back.on this one, otherwise he'll get the message that, if he changes his mind (as he seems to do regularly) all he has to do is text the 11-y-o and rhe OP will leap to do his bidding.

I had one like this once.

Sending him away for an hour is petty. He could have just waited whilst you checked the kids bags or he could have collected the missing items on Sunday night if it wasn’t too much of an inconvenience.

I do get where you are coming from. I am not divorced but have several friends who are.

Maybe do I as suggested but caveat it with but we need to stick to the agreed times so everyone knows what is happening. And going forward you need to tell him that holidays and covering half of them needs to be discussed. It cannot all be on you.

In mediation you can just go all positive, I hoped you would agree to this as it is what is best for the children etc. Everything from a positive, name the behaviour you want to see (like you would a child)

You also need to talk to your eldest to help them to understand why arrangements at present need to go through the parents. Explain that they were heading out the door and you hadn't got a bag packed for your youngest. They are old enough to understand that.

I think it is great he wants to see his children so with that in mind I think maybe you should text him to say you went about it the wrong way. You needed time to get a bag together and you were unaware the times had been changed. It caught you off guard.

You have to think about your children, they are your priority and you want them to have a relationship with their Dad. He is communicating through your child because it seems things are hostile between you and him. Maybe this would go a long way to helping it become more amicable.

That's not what an 11 year old sees. They see that their dad is keen to see them, they can go an hour early - woohooo! 🥳 Then mum sends dad away and says come back at the right time and you've just pissed on his chips. The mum will look like the bad guy.

I don't disagree that what the dad did wasn't right. But it just needs a grown up approach - invite dad in, have a chat, pack the kid's stuff, wave him off. Then text dad at a suitable time to say it wasn't ideal and could he please make sure he texts her first before involving the child.

I speak from experience. I will always begrudge the way my mum treated my dad when I was stuck in the middle of their divorce. Even though as a grown up, I can kind of understand why she did it. As a child, the same age as the OP's child, I didn't get it and so the damage was done. You have to put your child first no matter which parent is at fault.

Yabu. He was 55 mins early. I'd have either asked the ex to wait outside whilst I got the kids things or as it's just a 5 minute walk asked ex to to ahead with the younger ones and 11 year old would be along shortly with the uniforms.