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Original poster

Boyfriend caught sexting

167 replies

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 14:58

The Title says it all really.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years now. I’m 29. Very much in love, living together and have lots of projects for the future.

I recently discovered he has been in contact with a woman for the past 10 years. They exchange messages regularly (every 2 weeks or so) and they are close. They met on social media and it was sexual from the start. They never met each other because she was living far from him and still is. It escalated with nudes and sexual conversations, being very intense. When we met, they stopped this for a while and recently (3 years ago) they started again with actual sessions where it got intense and she would send him videos. He would send her pictures of himself too but not nudes. They also talked about their private lives, about us.

he is saying this had no meaning and he will stop immediately. That it was just an ego stroke and a fantasy. He liked the attention and it was distracting him when we went through a rough patch in our relationship.

im genuinely devastated and don’t know if i can forgive him? I believe him that he never met her and that it was just a game between them, but the messages I saw disturb me. The sex talk was really intense and they seemed so into it, and he was very much asking her for more and more like he couldn’t get enough etc.

our relationship is dead isn’t it

OP posts:
Missj25 · 03/03/2026 20:27

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 14:58

The Title says it all really.

I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 10 years now. I’m 29. Very much in love, living together and have lots of projects for the future.

I recently discovered he has been in contact with a woman for the past 10 years. They exchange messages regularly (every 2 weeks or so) and they are close. They met on social media and it was sexual from the start. They never met each other because she was living far from him and still is. It escalated with nudes and sexual conversations, being very intense. When we met, they stopped this for a while and recently (3 years ago) they started again with actual sessions where it got intense and she would send him videos. He would send her pictures of himself too but not nudes. They also talked about their private lives, about us.

he is saying this had no meaning and he will stop immediately. That it was just an ego stroke and a fantasy. He liked the attention and it was distracting him when we went through a rough patch in our relationship.

im genuinely devastated and don’t know if i can forgive him? I believe him that he never met her and that it was just a game between them, but the messages I saw disturb me. The sex talk was really intense and they seemed so into it, and he was very much asking her for more and more like he couldn’t get enough etc.

our relationship is dead isn’t it

I don’t believe there’s this big emotional connection there , he’s never even met her , it’s all on line , all fake .
All sexual, kinda like porn , only he has a name to put on her face .
I just think what if he went out somewhere some night & met someone in real life that he fancied ?
You can’t trust him OP

Bonkers1966 · 03/03/2026 20:15

Feck. This is so bad. Sorry OP. Might be time to move on.

Uticary · 03/03/2026 20:11

Good lord, he really is low scum.
Try and get those nudes and get the hell away from him.

Tuesdayschild50 · 03/03/2026 19:56

You would never trust him again .. him thinking of her while he was with you.. you deserve someone who is all for you.Leave him behind he won't stop this behaviour.. Think of you and your self respect walk away ❤️

StripedVase · 03/03/2026 19:54

This is a horrible shock and I feel for you including your shock and confusion - but it's unambiguously a huge betrayal, and not the sort of thing someone stops doing once they've got away with it so long. I mean it's not just sexting,it's a parallel relationship. Leave him, minimise future discussion that isn't about practicalities, have some therapy if you can, and let him live with and deal with his own destructive addiction. He was never who he let you think he was, it's not your fault, and there are many men in the world who wouldn't dream of treating someone they supposedly loved in this way.

brightbevs · 03/03/2026 19:51

Jesus Christ, get rid of this fucking man immediately! Delete any images of you that he has as no doubt he will hold onto them for fodder. Ick ick ick.

There is a man out there that will cherish, respect and love you as you deserve. Give yourself time to heal from this awful man and then go and find the good guy.

Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 03/03/2026 19:43

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 15:19

@graygooseby ruining my life do you mean he would do much worse in the future ? I am shocked tbh I don’t know what to think anymore

By forgiving, you're giving him permission to do it again, either with her or someone else.

If you're not enough for him after all this time, you never will be.

He's telling you what you want to hear OP. What happens when you next have your downs, like any relationship?

I bet their messaging was also at time when things were great between the two of you.

He's a sorry excuse of a man, and as much as it hurts to find out he's not who you thought he was, it's best to walk away with your head held high.

Grieve the relationship and what could have been. Cry, scream then pick yourself up and know that you deserve better.

bumptybum · 03/03/2026 19:40

Oh honey he’s telling the truth. They mean nothing to him. What else means nothing is his love for you.

I’ve been married for 33 years. My DH worships me. He does not look at other women in that way. Oh sure if some massive boobs walk by he will notice them and then sort of get annoyed with himself for even noticing.
he watches videos of me and us. I know because my 19 year old dd walked in on him in his home office doing so 🤣🤣🤣

he is not ready for a relationship. He doesn’t know what it means to be properly devoted.

Jlom · 03/03/2026 19:35

How he feels about it is a bit irrelevant. It is a total turn off. Are you ever going to want to have sex with him again after seeing this side of him?

KimuraTan · 03/03/2026 19:08

If you stay then you will waste your best years and finding someone who truly cherishes and respects you. This race is run - let him go.

MdNdD · 03/03/2026 19:03

I found out the hard way it wasn’t just that one. Men, women, downloaded porn, stuff he made sure I never saw.

Excuses at the ready. ‘It was when things were tough, only when I was stressed.’
So I wouldn’t believe for one second it’s just her. And the exes. Because then it will be ‘and the girl he met at work’ and ‘the bloke he met…’
Unless you’re also into this type of thing and open relationships, it’s time to move on and protect yourself from more pain.

RMN80 · 03/03/2026 18:39

Tip of the iceberg I'm afraid. He will look for the validation elsewhere if he doesn't get it from this woman. Sorry

LouiseK93 · 03/03/2026 18:22

Dump him immediately. Forgiving him (even if thats possible) wont eradicate this from your mind. Every time hes on a night out you will wonder. Everytime he leaves the room and takes his phone with him you will think hes messaging her.
He doesnt love you, if he did he wouldnt need attention from another girl. He wouldn't betray you.
Im just sorry he wasted the entirety of your 20's.

Sometimessmiling · 03/03/2026 18:11

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 15:10

@Coconutter24I found them. He actually archived the conversation in WhatsApp and turned off the notification for it. But I found out. He was deleting the conversation very regularly and keeping some videos in his private cloud (this he admitted later)

You know the answer to this.....get out of this relationship

BoldRobin · 03/03/2026 18:09

Dont let him gaslight you by making out it was when you were going through a rough patch. Dont you dare accept that. I know it might lessen the sting of the betrayal to believe it was only when you were in conflict but it doesnt excuse a thing, and is also a lie. Dont believe it.

You are worth so much more. If you give this loser a chance, you are letting him know how little respect you have for yourself.

You will hurt for ages, but he did this not you. One day you will find an honest person and be glad you kicked him to the curb. Do it yesterday.

GreenGodiva · 03/03/2026 17:56

Why on earth WOULD you forgive him? It’s a 10 virtual relationship that involved wanking to another woman’s photographs.

sandyrose · 03/03/2026 17:55

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 15:31

@RosieSpring10 years on and off yes. But these last 3 years regularly and it had escalated, because we had more fights and our relationship was suffering

There are no excuses for his behaviour, including whether you had a fight or not.

Those of us a little older would say don’t get tied down with this man, meaning kids/house. Men do not change. They just get better at hiding their actions.

You deserve so much more.

Goodadvice1980 · 03/03/2026 08:17

OP don’t waste another minute on this guy. He’s only fit for the bin 🗑️.

You have your whole life ahead of you, don’t throw it away on this loser.

Swiftie1878 · 03/03/2026 07:43

Yes, you need to start protecting yourself now. Find out where he keeps those nudes if you, find out if he’s shared them etc.
Then get the hell out of there.

PollyBell · 03/03/2026 04:22

CookingFatCat · 03/03/2026 04:18

OP please check what he has done with those nudes ofyou, he may have shared them.😢

For the love of god please tell me she didint?

CookingFatCat · 03/03/2026 04:18

OP please check what he has done with those nudes ofyou, he may have shared them.😢

B1anche · 03/03/2026 02:01

Vixrest · 02/03/2026 22:39

@BauhausOfEliottwe had this agreement regarding porn because I got a bit reluctant and worried about his use. This is what he offered, to look at pictures of me at the end of his session… sick isn’t it? I didn’t particularly like it, but it made him happy. I realise now all the things he would make me accept. I thought I was the only one but he’s an addict. I didn’t know it would go that far.

He is not an addict. Stop making excuses for him.

PollyBell · 02/03/2026 22:44

Please make better choices in future we can go all fluffy bunnies and butterflies and life should be perfect and men shouldnt treat you like this but for your own sake work on whatever you need to so you can ensure you dont end up in a reloving door of men who treat you like this because you let them

they will treat you this way because for them they get away with it dont be a doormat

Original poster
Vixrest · 02/03/2026 22:41

@CalmTheFuckDownMargaretyou’re right. I didn’t found out years ago. When I confronted him I asked him to tell me all the truth and give me a timeline of all that happened with this woman and this is what he said. How long it lasted, the on and off period etc

OP posts:
Mimicking · 02/03/2026 22:39

Nofeckingway · 02/03/2026 16:21

If you overlook this and stay you are basically saying that you will forgive anything . And it will escalate we can guarantee. This is an awful long time to be carrying on a whole secret life . Not an unfortunate drunken one night grope but a calculated plot to contact and preserve material from you or anyone else finding out . And then instead of begging forgiveness he is saying it was nothing . It's not nothing and don't let him convince you otherwise . The thoughts of splitting will be hard as you have been with him all your twenties. Don't let him ruin your 30s . Get out as fast you can .

Agree.

OP, unfortunately a lot of men will see forgiveness as a greenlight to treat you with disrespect because you allowed it in the first instance.

If you stay, deceit will eat away at you. You will begin to lose yourself and you will gaslight yourself limboing between looking for evidence of further betrayal and telling yourself it's all in your head.

It will hurt, but you are young and youthful. You have time to start over with somebody who deserves you when you are ready.

Take care.