Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being delusional?

60 replies

sillygoose111 · 02/03/2026 12:35

I feel like I know the answer but I need a word of encouragement and maybe someone else to share their experience.

I’m 28F who’s been very independent since I left home at 19, I have a child who’s soon to be 5.

Unfortunately life has been lifing and I’m left in a situation to decide what to do next after a breakup to make sure I can provide the best life for the both of us. I’m down to two options and I guess I want a positive perspective to feel that I’m not absolutely failing as a mother.

  1. I could stay were we live now and keep her in the school were she started in September (she’s in reception) and claim UC. However although I’d have more independence, my own space, this option would limit my ability to save and overall it would be harder to move on in life.
  2. Move in with my grandma and uncle who’s looking after her (we are similar age with him and have a good relationship). I’d be able to save as much as I can as majority of my earning will go to savings. But that means changing school for the little one. I’m so scared she will have a hard time. I know that I would be doing this for our future but still I feel so much guilt and as if I’d fail her.

It wouldn’t be permanent but 1-2 years for me to hopefully to be able to save for a deposit and buy something for ourselves. Until then we would share a room.

As I said before I just want some advice/encouragement or for someone to tell me if I’m being completely delusional.

Thank you!

OP posts:
MyMilchick · 02/03/2026 13:54

ZippyPeer · 02/03/2026 12:49

Option 2. Kids are very resilient and will adapt to a new school

This!

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 02/03/2026 13:47

Option 2 definitely.

We moved countries when DS was 5 and had spent two terms in reception. He settled really quickly in the new smaller school and had a much better childhood in my opinion.

Original poster
sillygoose111 · 02/03/2026 13:43

Sound*

OP posts:
Original poster
sillygoose111 · 02/03/2026 13:42

One other thing, there would be a possibility of changing schools again once we move.

As you probably can tell my main worry in this situation is my daughter and her wellbeing. I had a really messy childhood/teenage years and I might found like a complete control freak but I’m trying my hardest to give her the best I can.

OP posts:
Starlight1979 · 02/03/2026 13:40

I think you're going to have a 50/50 split on responses here OP.

I personally think option 1 as I wouldn't want the pressure and expectations which come with living under someone else's roof. Especially not someone who is elderly and with an illness which could deteriorate.

Wordsmithery · 02/03/2026 13:36

Option 2 without question.

ReadingCrimeFiction · 02/03/2026 13:33

I think while your dd is young, option 2 is a better choice. She will cope with moving school and the short term disadvantage of sharing rooms etc is easier at this age. Then you can plan to move out having set yourself up in 2-3 years. You are also preserving what savings etc you have now so that if things go wrong wjth the set up, you can pivot.

I would say the key is to have a timeline in mind and work towards that.

HawthornFairy · 02/03/2026 13:31

Option 2. Seriously, living with loving family whilst also managing to save for your futures - you’re very lucky to have this as an option.

sunshine244 · 02/03/2026 13:28

Definitely option 2 as long as you all get on well. It gives you the best long term security if you can save for a house deposit.

Original poster
sillygoose111 · 02/03/2026 13:22

@Whatifitallgoesright sorry I meant my daughter!

OP posts:
Original poster
sillygoose111 · 02/03/2026 13:22

@TittyGajillions I’ve acknowledged that as well and explained that I’ll be working full time and will not be able to do that, I’m happy to clean around the house/cook occasional meal for everyone.

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 02/03/2026 13:22

Sorry, you say "we would have to share a double room with her" Is that a typo? You're not sharing a bedroom with your grandma are you!?

Original poster
sillygoose111 · 02/03/2026 13:19

@Whatifitallgoesright we would have to share a double room with her plus there’s living room for everyone’s use. Not a huge amount of space but we would have our one space.

Although they say I don’t need to worry about financial aspect, I’d say I’ll take on some of the bills/food so it’s all fair, at the end of the day I’m a working adult.

OP posts:
ComtesseDeSpair · 02/03/2026 13:17

I don’t think there’s any harm in giving Option 2 a try, whilst acknowledging that living with other adults can be hard and being prepared an ready to move elsewhere if the arrangement began to show signs of damaging what are currently good family relationships.

TittyGajillions · 02/03/2026 13:16

Option 1. I wouldn't lose my independence by moving in with relatives. They'll have their own routines and it will be disruptive to all of you. Also I'd be worried about falling in to a caring role.

Original poster
sillygoose111 · 02/03/2026 13:16

@Happyjoe thank you for sharing. I think I’m seeking that reassurance that she will be ok.

OP posts:
Whatifitallgoesright · 02/03/2026 13:15

What space would you have in the house? Is there enough room for you child to play, maybe eat separately, have play dates there without it having a detrimental effect on your grandma and uncle?

Is there outside space. How would finances be worked out?

Happyjoe · 02/03/2026 13:14

No issues at age 5 to move school, only just started her school journey. I say that as someone who moved a lot as a child, not only school but countries. It's fine at this young age.

Original poster
sillygoose111 · 02/03/2026 13:12

@SincerelyDoubtIt we rent privately with my now ex. Thinking about it, I do have some savings now if something happened. If I move in my them and anything goes wrong I could go back to option 1. But I’m eager to save as much as I can and O feel option 2 gives me that opportunity..

Also there’s been comments about childcare, I’m not looking for that. I’ve been juggling all of that myself and I am fine with it all, it’s not the case for me trying to have some help with my little one. Thank you everyone.

OP posts:
Catza · 02/03/2026 13:09

BauhausOfEliott · 02/03/2026 12:55

The OP says her uncle lives with her grandmother as her carer, so I'd have thought it's unlikely that there is going to be 'unlimited childcare' or that the grandmother is going to be playing much with a five-year-old. If she needs live-in care, she's not going to be the sort of granny who is going to be able to do much with the child.

Show quote history

I was describing my experience, not suggesting OP's situation is the same. Having said that, my great-grandmother was bedbound after a stroke and we spent many hours together playing bingo in bed or her reading to me. Just because someone needs care, doesn't always mean they can't engage with children.

SincerelyDoubtIt · 02/03/2026 13:08

What is your current living situation OP?

Original poster
sillygoose111 · 02/03/2026 13:01

She’s got cancer that is under control, however she’s got quite a lot of appointments and since he was able to move in and live with her, it made sense for them to do that. She cooks, cleans and moves around the house, but yes she would struggle by herself.

OP posts:
SincerelyDoubtIt · 02/03/2026 12:59

What security of tenure would you have at your Grandma's house? What would happen if she dies sooner than you expect? What would happen if you fell out with your uncle?

Also, what is your living situation now? Without that info, we can't really advise.

ICouldHaveCheckedFirst · 02/03/2026 12:57

Why does your grandma need care? If dementia is in the picture, steer clear, for both your sakes.

BauhausOfEliott · 02/03/2026 12:55

Catza · 02/03/2026 12:50

Take my advice with a pinch of salt because I come from a culture where multi-generational living used to be quite normal. We moved with my grandparents in similar circumstances after my parent's marriage broke down. My mother really struggled with loss of independence but, as a child, I had absolutely amazing time. There was unlimited childcare, I grew very close to my aunt who lived with us for a short while after similar troubles. Granny has been my absolute rock for the last 30+ years and I don't have a single bad thing to say about living with family. We are very very close.
Even now, I'd move in with my granny or my aunt in a hearbeat.

The OP says her uncle lives with her grandmother as her carer, so I'd have thought it's unlikely that there is going to be 'unlimited childcare' or that the grandmother is going to be playing much with a five-year-old. If she needs live-in care, she's not going to be the sort of granny who is going to be able to do much with the child.