Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

For me (autistic), academia was the only time I ever excelled. The rest of my life was a bin fire. But I felt I should be trying to have a 'normal' life and got married, found a job etc. Still a bin fire it turns out, and now I don't even have the comfort of being good at something to balance it out.

This is a tricky one- the meds have side effects and for some people those are significant enough that they choose not to take them. It's not a no-brainer. In that situation then things like coaching and behavioural changes can be very helpful and can make the difference between functioning and not functioning. It doesn't follow that there was never an issue. I suppose it's a bit like taking statins for blood pressure- someone might choose not to take them and instead manage their BP through lifestyle changes- it doesn't follow that there wasn't a problem or that the statins wouldn't have been appropriate.

Bear in mind that the kind of behavioural coping strategies people with ADHD use can be quite significant and that "functioning" doesn't mean everything is easy-breezy. I too get annoyed with the idea that someone with ADHD can just change something simple (eg write things on a planner) and suddenly everything is fine- although to be fair that's an idea mainly put about by people trying to sell planners in Instagram 😂

What I despise is the humiliation. I still live local to one of the unis so when I see someone who saw me be utterly wild, fail and then quit, I’m so embarrassed. If I had a wildly successful career I’d be okay with it, but I don’t! So I find the humiliation double; yeah I’m the person who fucked up repeatedly and relied on alcohol to cope and therefore regularly made a tit of myself, yeah I’m the guy who dropped out. Nah, haven’t made anything of myself, ye, all the things you guys thought about me were true! And if you say ‘Look I have AuDHD’ people just think it’s bullshit these days so I never explain it and keep it to myself so people just think I’m a fucking nightmare naturally! Which I guess I am, to be fair.

It’s something that impacts different people in different ways really, and so while someone may seem to be “achieving” more it can actually just be their fixation for example being on a different thing.

You mention obesity & overeating and say someone running marathons can’t be the same, they are, it’s just that for that person the fixation is running rather than eating. That your overspending is a result of the dopamine chasing for example, for other people it is running or exercise, chasing that rush in that way rather than shopping. They aren’t necessarily struggling less than you, just in a different way.

One of my best friends has ADHD, she struggles a lot, she runs marathons, gets up at a ridiculous time to run 20 miles in the morning she feels that she NEEDS that, is that particularly healthy- probably not. Does she have CCJ’s and debt, no, but she is fixated on money and having enough, total paralysis with it and doesn’t want to spend anything even when it really is needed, she doesn’t feel she can perhaps in the same way that you can’t stop.

It’s pointless to compare. It’s a spectrum and even people in the same place on that spectrum can have very different realities.

It's like me going and sitting with a group of blind people and saying 'I'm one of you' because I need low prescription reading glasses.

YES! I know exactly what you mean. Then you get people who know someone "with ADHD" and because they don't present as extremely as you do then it must be all your fault and you aren't trying "because if my friend thingy can manage with ADHD then you can".

Then you get told that their friend finds such and such useful, so obviously you will. No, fidget toys don't help me and I don't have the time to fidget with something when I'm constantly typing! My DBro and I had similar scores at our respective diagnoses but a) we present differently and b) we need very different arrangements to help e.g. he works much better in isolation at home, I can't concentrate at home & work better in the office; I think our rather different jobs exacerbate that.

Exactly that. Its like saying 'if i don't make a shopping list I know I'll forget something'. Yeah, you will, that's normal. 'I forget what I was doing when i walk into another room'. Yep, you and everyone else in the world. 'I have to use an app to remind me to do cleaning tasks' sounds like you have a busy life, so that's a good idea!

These are all in the realm of normal. But for others the way our brain works causes relationships to break down, financial difficulties, housing instability, job insecurity.

I can't remember how many times I've been to college or uni and not got anywhere. Five that I can remember. (Edit: seven!) I ended up doing an OU degree and even then they almost chucked me out after three years because I hadn't finished any modules. I then developed a weird resilience that got me through, and I had to take odd modules between my main ones to ensure that for four years I never had time off because doing it constantly meant it became a habit. I think I would have unravelled if I'd had a break.

I then did a masters which I almost didn't finish, and completing it nearly killed me with the stress. I took a year off halway through because I just couldn'tgo on. Restarting was horrific. I had extensions on every single assignment through both BA and MA.

I was, of course, late with my dissertation and had to drive the length of the country after staying up all night, to hand it in by hand to the OU a couple of hours before the deadline.

You are SO not alone OP! ♥️

I hear ya OP.

I can’t even get it together to pursue a diagnosis.

I hear you. I've been in debt for most of my life and I just can't control it. When I want to spend money, it's like I genuinely can't stop myself. Whatever the thing is I want to buy, I "need" the thing, it will make my life somehow better etc. Logically I know it won't but something takes over.

I've slept with men I didn't even fancy. When people say "just say no to sex" I don't know how they do it! Again, it's like something takes over and I think what the hell, why not. I hate it. I don't want to sleep with these people. But I can't find that "off" switch.

I drink too much, no drugs but I do smoke. I eat crap. My house is a mess! If I'm leaving the house then I do shower, but if I'm just home then my personal hygiene is crap.

The rejection sensitivity thing is awful. It's impacted all my relationships. I think I've been drawn to controlling men because for one, it takes a lot of the responsibility of "life" from me, if I'm being told what to do. And also, they are less likely to reject me at some point. Although one did and it nearly destroyed me.

All that said, I'm older now and am tackling some of the things. I don't date at all now. It would do me no good and I've realised that. Therefore I also no longer have sex with anyone! I've cut the drinking a lot, working on giving up smoking. I've started being a bit better with money. I still have a long way to go but the older I get, the more I'm feeling able to stop and think before I do something. But I am nearly 60! It's taken that long. If medication would help you now, then it's probably worth doing. I don't see the point at my age, and when I am actually finally getting a bit better on my own.

Adhd is rampant in my family and so is autism. My youngest daughter has an adhd diagnosis but treating that has just revealed a whole subterranean level of autistic misery. Every single day is a challenge. She’s almost 18 and when she’s great/coping she amazing but it never lasts and then I’ve got to spend 3-5 hours a day cajoling, begging, bargaining, pleading just to get her to fulfill the basics.

and making it worse I know she gets it from me. I was bankrupt by 28 , spent most of my teen and young adult life hupersexual and doing the most bonkers random risky behaviours. Cocaine addiction, exploitation, now on the brink of being an alcoholic and I’m approaching 50 and still have no idea how to cope.

Have you tried adhd medication?

I have many of those traits, not as extreme but I do recognise a lot of them, especially the addictive ones, overspending, lateness, inability to listen properly, being chronically disorganised, forgetful etc.

My DH has been my person who's been the opposite to all of this, and I guess my "saviour" so to speak (poor man lol 😆). We have three beautiful, thriving children but i dont think they would be doing as well if I was a single mum. My life wouldn't be half as good without my DH. But my mum loves to question my self diagnosis and says I label myself too easily, even though I've been like this forever.

It's draining on my family, and I feel for them. I understand, OP..

Solidarity and hugs.

It's a spectrum and different people struggle with different things.

If someone has different symptoms, it goes two ways that I've seen. Either people who do struggle with (X) say, if you can do that, why do you even think you have ADHD? Or people who don't struggle with (X) say, I can manage it, so it must be unrelated to ADHD and just be a question of your willpower and commitment.

My whole family is very AuDHD-heavy and everyone has different symptoms. That's just how it is, and I think people on both sides of the scale should recognise that.

ETA just tagging along with the masking - I tried EXTREMELY hard to present as organised and put-together because I felt so much shame about my (then-undiagnosed) symptoms. I would throw socks/underwear away and buy new ones instead of washing them. Use paper plates. Leave jobs when I started to make typical mistakes. Would drink a Red Bull multipack just to be able to get up and do specific thing. If I had an appointment in the afternoon, I would spend literally all day getting ready, and then arrive two hours early because otherwise I would be late.

Agree - this is me. In my 20s, I had a bad problem with addiction, risky behaviour, and lost one job because of terminal lateness and inability to focus on the elements I found boring. Didn't get an AHDH diagnosis until much later so just thought there was something wrong with me/I was insane, and I was afraid to tell anyone about that which made it worse. I also have OCD (formal diagnosis of both, it's not me self-diagnosing) and so that balanced out some of the messiness but my main problem with that has always been compulsive thoughts. These days I have a good job and seem pretty together from the outside, but I have millions of systems in place so that I function 'normally', and I still have a deep-rooted fear that it could all fall apart at any moment.

Controversial opinion here, but if someone is able to manage their behaviour without meds and through simply sticking to routine, is it really ADHD? Surely that's just someone who needs routine? ADHD is disabling. If you are not disabled by it, then you're not disabled!

I use chatgbt to help me get through overwhelm and disorganization

This. A lot of people have a lot of coping strategies that are not labelled as such. Cleaning, making lists, routines over and over.

Try just one change and try and stick to it until it's stuck then add another.

I'm a lot like you though @Cantfinishanything I'm drowning under unfinished projects.

If I'm honest, when I read the heading, I was thinking more along the lines of extreme emotional dysregulation, walking on eggshells, impulsive outbursts and very sensitive to percieved rejection.

I would say that your issues are more complex than ADHD - difficult as that is of itself to deal with - if you have addiction and obesity etc going on as well.

Much like autism its a spectrum condition
And two people wuth the same condition csn present very differently.

This post nails it. The problem with 'spectrums' of anything is that once someone decides they are somewhere on it, they make that label their reason and their excuse for everything and they want to find a way, no matter how tenuous, to make it relevant to every aspect of their life. A quick glance at instagram and tiktok shows us this. These people think they deserve the same amount of sympathy, empathy, consideration and attention as someone who is so deeply in the spectrum that they can't really function normally at all.

I'm getting utterly sick to death of it. The next minor celeb in the public eye who announces they are austistic or ADHD is going to make me spontaneously combust with rage. It's like me going and sitting with a group of blind people and saying 'I'm one of you' because I need low prescription reading glasses.

I think it's a mixture of ADHD being varied in itself and ADHD people having radically different circumstances.

Based on my own circle, the people with ADHD who seem to do best are the ones who are also bright/in some other way talented, and who partner fairly early with someone who's a good opposite to their strengths and weaknesses. Which probably is true of the population as a whole too, so it makes sense that people with a condition that can make life harder are probably particularly at the whim of good luck.

A pp also made a good point that OP is disproportionately likely to notice the people who have it together.

I'm with you OP, and commiserate.

I've only just managed to get to grips with not interrupting people. It means I've become very quiet because I can't fully concentrate on what someone's saying, concentrate so as not to interrupt, and also keep track of anything I might want to say.

Having a calender on my phone has been a godsend. I set alarms for everything: with up to five alarms for the same thing. If it's a Zoom then I have alarms for the time of the meeting, ten minutes before, 30 minutes before and an hour before. I've only recently started doing the one at the time of the meeting because I kept getting distracted and forgetting in that last ten minutes.

For trains I work out when I need to leave the house, then set my alarm for five minutes before that to allow for the final faff, then an alarm for the real time I need to leave, one 30 minutes before the train leaves, and one an hour before.

All the alarms mean the likelihood of me forgetting is reduced (although not eradicated completely). It also means less stress because I know I've set them up (although I forget a lot and regularly go through upcoming appointments etc. to check I've done alarms).

It's a massive faff but it's helped a lot! I still end up rushing for trains because even after the final alarm I'm never quite out the door straightaway.

I also forget things a lot, so have to go back into the house which adds time. I've caused havoc sometimes with this. A lot of the time I drive away and then minutes later drive back to get whatever it is. And the thing I've forgotten is usually something vital to the reason I left the house in the first place!

Other than writing lists (which sometimes isn't feasible and even then I can read a list and not see things on it), I can't think of a foolproof way to get to grips with the forgetting.

I dropped out of university twice. Honestly OP, I am with you. I had to remortgage to pay debts. As I said earlier, I have little fires everywhere. And the stress is damaging. People who don’t experience the monumental fuck ups don’t understand the short and long term impacts