Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

If it helps at all, I’ve started putting alarmed reminders into my work calendar for things like “pay for school trip”. Why the school email and say “there’s school trip, you can book now” as opposed to “there’s a school trip. Bookings will open in 3 days at 4pm. Limited spaces - first come first served”? It’s setting some of us up to fail. After missing a couple, I started adding a diary reminder the moment I got the email.

on Friday, I said to my son as he was leaving I would check and top up his card for lunch money that day. By the time I walked from the loo to my desk in the living room, I’d completely forgotten (luckily he had enough on there).

It’s shit. I have a wall calendar and a handbag diary to help me too.

I do the binge eating too, but then will eat nothing the rest of the day!

I’ve definitely found things getting worse/harder the older I get. Still waiting on an official diagnosis and I’m hoping medication will help me.

I love a good crisis 😂 as you say, lots of dopamine and no boring paperwork …

Its not a race to the bottom.
You DON'T know other peoples struggles.
How could you? Unless you want everyone to list their failures for your reassurance.
Its called a spectrum for a reason...

Some of them have people running things in the background. DH has ADHD and is awful with money, he had a defaulted credit card when we got together, I run our finances and he now has an immaculate credit rating, savings and fun money each month that he can spend on whatever he likes.

The parking tickets can still be an issue like but putting the car reg in when taking ds to one of his clubs repeatedly.

I'm very organised and to be honest it's me that keeps family life on track, but he has fully accepted this and I don't get the pushback I did when we were young and first together, he recognises it's not his strength and the benefits to the family if he follows my plans. He does go to the gym 4/5 times a week early morning, he says it settles his brain for the day, because he exercises so much he is now focused on healthy eating but can also eat junk and doesn't really gain weight. It's a time we agreed because he's back when ds wakes up so it doesn't impact the family like when he was trying to go 5 nights a week.

Our son likely also has ADHD but is fairly well behaved in company and people comment that's he's very bright and grown up in the way he communicates, he has huge meltdowns at home and is on the diagnostic pathway because it's also affecting his learning with dysgraphia being present, but you wouldn't know that unless you taught him or were very close to us and saw him when he's not masking and he's either completely wrung out or exploding.

Our marriage is rooted in a friendship from the age of 11 and it hasn't always been easy, we talk and can be honest with each other. Over the years we've put things in place like scaffolding I always think to prep up the shakier areas, but again looking at us you probably wouldn't know that.

Does anyone else function better when they’re really tired or hungover?

Sorry forgot to add. You need at least 2 bank current accounts.
one to get paid into and all bills come out of.
Set up a standing order for spending money into the other account.
that way, bills get paid and if I run out of money, nothing bounces

Yes and the mortality rates nobody speaks about due to our inhibition systems behaving very differently. EG off the scale risk taking etc. Apparantly we are 8 times more likely to die by the time we're 45

Dh opens my letters and parcels for me because I don't like doing it and it feels unpleasant. I still can't identify why exactly. I can't answer emails or messages sometimes either. I managed better when I was smoking.

See this just reinforces the erroneous belief that ADHD is just a minor quirky thing. Severe ADHD can be absolutely debilitating and destructive and cause all sorts of issues like what the OP is describing.

Im the only adult in the house so I have no one to help me. Dc are ADHD and ASD.

My coping strategies are the following, it may or may not help. But I definitely get it and ironically my strategies seem to work so well that I didn’t score highly enough for a diagnosis, much to the confusion of anyone who has ever met me.

Phone calendars. I have recurring events, one offs etc, and each has 2 reminders. Whatever I need to do, whether it’s something for dc at school, a phone call, anything at all. It has to go in my phone calendar or it doesn’t happen.

Visual reminders - wipe clean weekly and monthly planners, with a colour for each person. On the fridge and I force myself to keep them up to date

Visual cues - meds have to be in a 7 day planner and on my desk. Same with skincare, I’d never moisturise if it weren’t in front of me.

Passwords - set by my phone and stored there.

Banking - everything on DD or standing order. Anything I need to pay at a later date is set up as a scheduled payment.

Writing things down doesn’t help.
Lists don’t help,
(although I do use Alexa for a shopping list, then it’s on my phone when I go to the supermarket)

if I need to go somewhere with paperwork, it has to go in my bag and be really annoying in order to get done ie in my way!

My car boot has spare clothes, waterproof trousers for DC, sunscreen, spare dog lead and coat, wipes, fruit shoots, cereal bars….anything I could possibly need anywhere is in there. I’m always the parent who turns up without a coat or a drink for DC and this really helps.

Yeah I get that- PDA - and that's fine. As long as you accept the consequences of not doing it.

With my friend we used to say "It's fine if you want to sit in the middle of the motorway without moving or trying to get help to move- but know that your'e going to get hurt"

I haven’t opened a letter in 18 months

I forgot about this one. I once did the same, ended up with a drawer full of unopened post, which I eventually burned without ever reading! I'm still not great at it but I got a letter rack for my hallway and just put everything there so when it's bulging, I kind of "have to" deal with it.

It's so bloody hard at times for anyone you love that's living it. When they were children you could help.

Being married to one can be challenging too.q

YANBU @Cantfinishanything. I think many people now have diagnosed themselves and it’s basically their excuse / reason for xyz.

OP have you seen a doctor/ gone down the tablet route?
Ultimately, its shit but you need to act.

In work, my superpower was being able to identify problems and come up with workable solutions, but the NTs didn't like that so.......🤷🏼‍♀️ they'd also send us on training workshops, then, when I tried to implement what I'd learned, they didn't like that either 🤦🏼‍♀️

I hear you.

I also have ADHD and I so often find it grating when people say "just implement solutions and strategies" like I haven't been doing that my entire life and still failing.

When it requires executive functioning to implement those systems, executive functioning which you do not have, it becomes impossible to navigate.

Equally grating is "I have ADHD and I can still do X Y Z". It's like the same condition affects us all differently.

No I’m not sure I agree with that really, anything taken to an extreme can be harmful. Someone who feels they HAVE to run 20 miles every morning otherwise they cannot begin their day, eat breakfast, engage with the partner or child, has to do that even when they are injured, very much is negatively impacted by that.

There’s an influencer on Instagram. I won’t mention her name but she does ‘mum’ content. She’s recently announced she has adhd and it’s ridiculous. She’s acting completely differently to the way she acted a year or so ago, like nobody would notice. Her house is immaculate, she juggles kids and work and everything else with apparent ease, but she definitely has adhd which explains why she doesn’t wash her hair every day, apparently.

I haven’t opened a letter in 18 months. I can’t have anyone round because my house is such a state and I’m powerless to do anything about it. I will never have another relationship because I simply can’t cope with them. I have no idea how I’m still employed. I overeat and rarely leave the house because planning anything is exhausting. I can’t drive because I can’t concentrate. The list goes on.

I do, however, manage to wash my hair every day 😂

Phone now. Write on your hand in biro MEDS REVIEW.

That's a priority.

I could have written your OP, @Cantfinishanything its all fine and well people telling you to ‘get medicated’ and it’s great to hear that helps some people - but it doesn’t for all of us (especially if our financial shit show has seasoned any available funds for therapy / private diagnosis / prescriptions, let along our ability function or focus long enough to be through the process!) It also doesn’t address the trail of destruction / self destruction in our wake not alleviate the TREMENDOUS guilt and shame. That’s why you don’t see it being represented, OP - because it’s not at the cute, social media friendly end of the ADHD wedge - it’s not trending to look or feel like a monumental fuck up…

Can't help with a lot of your issues as I don't understand them. But debt I know.

If you can get your medical professional to complete a Debt & Mental Health form (free of charge in England according to the British Medical Association) you can send copies of that to your various creditors and they are supposed to look favourably on your situation. In some cases they will write off the debt because essentially you weren't competent when you took out the debt. In other cases they may simply stop all interest accruing. It may also help to get the CCJ taken off your credit record.

more details
Debt and mental health | National Debtline

You could also apply through a debt advice agency (StepChange, Citizen's Advice, CAP i.e. Christians Against Poverty) for a mental health Breathing Space. This would stop all interest and any collection action while you are in a mental health crisis.

Best of luck sorting it all - it's a difficult situation.

The other thing, that I have to ignore otherwise I find it upsetting, is the positivity spin. ‘ADHD/Autism is a super power’ - no it fucking isn’t. If that makes you feel better, then great, but for many of us, both are hugely debilitating, make life hard and often miserable. If the super power is the power to fix up on a huge scale, then yes. But I hate how we’re trying to give it all a nice facelift. It’s not nice. It’s shit.