Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

Thank you to the person who said the finch app was helpful for them. I've just signed up to using a similar one for weight loss I'm only on day 5, so we will see if that's a temporary dopamine thing or more long term one for me.

Something I find really helpful is the app/website FOCUSMATE. You book a working session for 25 or 50 minutes, and get somebody on a zoom like screen who also wants to work for that amount of time. You have a brief "Hi, what are you working on this session?" conversation and then turn your mic but not camera off, and get on with it. At the end you come on mic to say how you get on. It's called body doubling and is proven to be helpful to many people who have ADHD. You can use it for anything that you're able to stay in front of the camera for, not just work: I use it to change by bedding, which is my greatest nemesis for some reason. I only regret that I can't use it to get a shower!

I understand. Parenting was a struggle because I couldn't cope with routine like laundry, bedtimes, homework etc. I have a great memory but forget everyday things. Work was hard - I was never late but as a teacher, planning was just so boring plus I was never satisfied and would always want everything to be the best it possibly could be - exhausting! I know that sounds contradictory. Observations would set me in a state of pure panic.

That was before diagnosis. I didn't understand why I could be so quick at understanding and picking up new stuff yet be dreadful at the mundane.

Now the house is a mess. People don't get why. I can speak languages, play instruments to a high level, cook delicious food, throw all kinds of parties but I can't manage to do basic household tasks. It sounds mad but I can't. In my head I know what to do but it doesn't happen.

It helps to know there are other people the same around. The diagnosis helps because it's not a failing, it's the way my mind works. And going to the gym has helped - well, classes at the gym because otherwise I'd never stick to a piece of equipment for longer than 2 minutes. I try not to interrupt people and ask them questions. I set a timer for 5 mins and anyone can tidy for that long.

If you met me, you probably wouldn't realise because I mask. My kids have all grown up interesting and resilient (ds is currently being diagnosed) and very loving. If I could do housework I'd be happy. Because even though it's 2026 that's what we as women are often judged on.

Do you see what I did there? Told you all about me? :) At least now I know I do that!!

You're not alone x

I know one of the successful people you speak of- she has a meeting with her dh most nights and they talk through the next day. They’re the most team team I’ve ever seen, two kids. I’ve seen her on bad days and it all looks like hell

There are savings accounts you can lock away for a set time. This of course still gives you the problem of what to do with it once you can access it, but maybe it would help with the short term?

@Cantfinishanything Thanks for bringing this up OP. May I ask your advice? You sound very similar to my stepdaughter who is hard to help because of the level of chaos and covering up that goes on about her spending and finances generally. She runs up debts into tens of thousands every few months and only says 'I hate myself' if we try to find out exactly what she spent it on and why. Sometimes she tells us and we find out later that she was lying. Giving her money whenever she has a crisis is like pouring it down the drain.
You said that you need 'external boundaries' because it is so hard to make your own. Can you think of any kind of boundary we can set that would help her? We are thinking of suggesting that she gives someone else control of her bank account to make sure that essential bills are paid before money is spent on luxuries. Would something like that be useful do you think?

So noone is experiencing exactly what you are, 100%. And everything is a spectrum. Similarly to many physical diseases. People will be articulating their struggles when their life looks golden compared to what you're experiencing, but that's always true, whether related to ADHD or anything else. Your life will look pretty golden to certain people in the world too, no matter how painful it feels to you right now.

My ADHD was never diagnosed in childhood and never would have been - I was really clever and had a great memory in many ways, which meant that despite having no notes or revision materials or being able to spend any time revising, I got really high marks. I realise this makes me really, really lucky compared to other sufferers. However, while I walked away from academia with straight As and into a graduate job, I walked away with no ability to sit down to an administrative task and complete it, no way of my nervous system not flooding and grinding to a halt every time I'm faced with certain types of tasks, and a belief that these were all moral failings and someone with my "gifts" shouldn't be taking them for granted and throwing them away by being so lazy and careless. I consistently experienced self-harm, suicidal thoughts, self-sabotaging behaviours, but my life probably looked perfect and successful from the outside. While I have a mortgage and some savings, I've also had several major catastrophes due to inept management of personal admin and finances, and it's frankly only being a high earner that's mitigated these.

That affects my self esteem and ability to operate every single day. I can make it into work on time now, and I've been lucky enough to gravitate to the kinds of roles where my differentiating skills are valuable and the things I can't do don't come up as often, but it's paralysing when they do.

I think the honest answer is probably that the people you are hearing from and about don't have things as hard as you do. But it doesn't mean their struggles aren't valid. Just like your struggles aren't invalid just because there are other people who are on the streets due to their challenges.

i know this thread is not a spectator sport but omg so much is resonating with me. My adult son has ADHD and I always thought that if me and his dad did better then perhaps his life would not be such a disaster area, the guilt is overwhelming that we haven’t managed to “save him from himself”. He was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD at 8yrs old was excluded from school so many times, refused to take medication from the age of 13 (he said he didn’t feel like himself when he was medicated). We had a season ticket to A &E because he injured himself so often with his impulsive behaviour., conversely he was so naturally gifted in two different sports that he was perused by coaches but he wasn’t able to put be the sustained effort in. Self medicated with drugs and alcohol in his teens, early hyper sexual behaviour. Left school the minute he turned 16, with barely any qualifications started an apprenticeship, got let go from that and has been sacked from every job he has had since, or left just before he was going to get sacked. Minor involvement in criminal activity, major financial fuck ups over and over ( which we have helped with over and over again). We are still scaffolding his life at age 27 mainly because he has kids ( which he’s not great with tbh) so we feel we “ can’t let go of the string” we are mid 60’s and not sure how much longer we can keep going, we have already had to call a halt to the financial propping up. I really hoped that he would learn to handle it better as he got older, it’s breaking my heart to hear of you all still struggling. I’m so worried for his future. Sorry this is so long.

If you want failures, I’ve failed my A levels, got a mediocre degree even though I’m intelligent, paid hundreds of fines because I didn’t notice parking signs, never claimed for PPI even though I would have probably got a few thousand back, didn’t get all the rental from the house I let out because I didn’t get round to ringing the estate agents, got fines for not getting my tax return in on time, lost loads of personal items like keys and phones, paid for tickets for things and got the dates wrong so couldn’t go, took my children to a birthday party that was finishing when I got there, left a friend waiting at one cinema while I was at another (in the days before mobile phones - I nearly had a heart attack trying to get to the other town)….

I do sympathise because I understand I’m not as challenged as you are. But for years I didn’t realise that ADHD was actually a thing and thought I was just lazy and disorganised. That was worse than having some strategies.

But I do want to stress once again about not being so hard on yourself. I don’t think it helps. Part of things improving for me was understanding that it wasn’t my fault that I have executive functioning difficulties. That made the noise about beating myself up quieter which gave me a bit more space to put strategies in place.

Are you taking medication to help with the executive dysfunction?

I've found in life that most people will be sympathetic to a degree, unless the person they're dealing with isn't trying any avenue to help themselves. Which in this scenario would be accessing support such as medication and ADHD support groups.

People talk about things which are relevant and/or interesting to them. Lots of people have ADHD (I do), but it’s still a minority. And it’s a spectrum, so many people who have ADHD are not as badly affected as you are. Hence, a large majority of people are not interested in talking about the more severe symptoms of ADHD. If you try to talk to them about it, many will do their best to change the subject or get away from you. Sorry, but that’s reality. You know - like when you’re being asked to focus on something boring and your mind is somewhere else?

So what can you do about it?

First, I suggest you figure out why you want to talk about it. Do you want better treatment? More support? More understanding from friends and family? Or is it just that you need to vent?

The two groups of people who are more likely to talk about it are:

1. other sufferers - some sort of peer support community. I don’t know of any, but maybe worth a google.

2. Professionals working in the field.

It sounds like you could do with that medication review you mentioned. Could you make it a priority to arrange that?

“How can we have the same condition and yet you have a mortgage, successful marriage, beautiful well behaved children, stick to a routine, go to the gym and run marathons?”

Mortgage - my husband handles our financial stuff and bill-paying.

Successful marriage - sometimes we argue over the issues my ADHD traits cause, but he understands that I’m not doing any of this on purpose. We love each other deeply and don’t tiptoe around problems that need to be addressed.

Beautiful well-behaved children - well, one is well-behaved. The other one’s working on it.

Routine, gym, marathons - non-applicable for me.

Successful people with ADHD are usually working several times harder than people without ADHD to achieve the same level of success. They may look like birds gliding serenely across the surface, but under the water they’re kicking frantically.

What I was trying to describe earlier is how one task - washing dishes - becomes an epoch time spanning event because my brain just needs constant diversions and I need to keep taking a break because it gets physically exhausting.

We sound so similar OP.

We almost couldn’t buy our first house because I screwed up my credit score by buying stuff on accounts and even though I had the money to pay it back I couldn’t find it in me to set up the DD/call and make the payment.

Same with overeating - just eating and eating till I feel sick because the dopamine hit is so good.

I think you’re right and actually we don’t really talk as much about these huge big effects of ADHD, just the classic being late etc.

I know it's hard to act, but if you can do one thing it would be to call Christians against Poverty or Stepchange (google them) and ask them for help- say I don't know what to do. They will know what to do and will help you. My partner got in terrible debt and buried his head for years and we had to do this, it was awful but much better than the stress of living with debt and the fear of bailiffs.

I know it's hard but if you can bear to make one or two phone calls they will help you.

Thanks, I’ve never been able to explain it but that about covers it!

I hear you op. Mostly we don't talk about it because of shame. I currently maxxed out a credit card with a 39.99% interest rate and have no clue how I will pay it off, but I would never confess that to anyone I know.

The only adhd traits I tell my friends are the "he he I missed a flight I'm so silly". The shame runs deep.

A dishwasher was an absolute godsend for me! The struggle I had to wash up, and the pile of dishes just kept getting bigger and bigger, and I'd become more and more paralysed by it.

When I bought a dishwasher, the transformation was amazing. I still struggle sometimes but now I know that all I have to do is get the stuff into the dishwasher, and eventually I'll be able to do that.

But then there's nothing else! The machine does it.

On my Finch app I have put things in dishwasher before bed. I mostly manage it, sometimes not. But I feel so much less stressed knowing that I only have that one thing to do.

Can I also say that I think that modern life makes everything so much worse in terms of demanding a lot of cognitive energy and switching attention and that it is overwhelming anyway- so if you have some dysfunction around this, it is understandable you would struggle. We really weren't set up to operate in this super-complicated over-stimulating world, and so again, kindness to yourself if you find it overwhelming and paralysing is ok.

I have also got to county court stages, parking tickets unpaid, but am getting better with asking others to help me get on with it and that's working better than waiting for myself to act.

I get you. I am not diagnosed, neither is my OH but it's possible we are given that how you describe yourself is a bit like us.

We have had a DPP, cannot be trusted with CCs (50k in 2 years!). Its lots of little things, and we can cope when its just ourselves we are looking after, but as a family unit its actually worse I think.
I cant live in mess....every one else is messy - so then I shut down its a whole cycle.

My eldest has been diagnosed ADD - though she is on meds they do FA. SHe is ramping up to exams and I can see the binge eating kicking in - she had 3 dinners the other day, then got really shitty when I questioned why, after having a steak bake, a big bowl of porridge, did she then want a MacDonalds meal! She has put on 10kg since xmas. She is also useless with money, despite us trying to explain to her about saving - she just wants to buy every new trend. I actually am beginning to think that there will need to be something in place when she reaches 18 to stop her applying for credit - but she wants to study Law so if we do that it will affect that.
Youngest the SEN teacher says is glaring ASD. Neither can stick to schedules, rules etc. I try and try and try until I honestly feel like driving into a wall at speed.

I actually had to scratch that itch and reversed into my own fence yesterday whilst screaming (we live rural so no one else saw).

My best friends both have ADHD though. One is SUPER organized, on the go, full of (nervous)energy . The other is always on the verge of a breakdown. I don't feel I can speak to them about what's going on with me as I think they will assume I am copying them, and also, I don't want to give them something else in their brain they don't need to be worrying about (if that makes sense!).

Its depressing AF. Especially when you also feel like your just being whiney, or a fraud mentioning issues. People do assume that because you are presentable your fine, its all fine, when really your going back to your dumpster fire of a car, to go to your literal shit tip of a house. But you don't seek help because to do so makes you a burden - like I already have an autoimmune condition, and a connective tissue disorder, so I feel like I would be taking the piss out the NHS to ask for any more help.

There might be a discord (cos we all know who loves a discord!) for adhd??

Me too, I’m over-organised, always early, financially secure with hardly anything left on mortgage and no other debt. Partner of 20+ years and kids. I too go in cycles, do everything amazingly, don’t drink, eat well, exercise, house is immaculate and organised, lots of plans kept up with …then completely fall apart for a few days and sit there looking at the wall, drinking, eating donuts and cancelling stuff. It’s like my brain just says ‘NO more’ and can’t cope. Then I get behind with stuff, get more stressed and at some point finally get my energy back and the cycle begins again. It’s torture really.

Well...

I also struggle with phone calls, especially making them. This thread is enlightening about the "smaller " side effects such as binge eating/obesity. I've been struggling with these for nearly 60 years. GP wouldn't be interested.

Does anyone else use the Finch app?

I have got up, washed or showered, and dressed in clean clothes almost every single day for the last 256 days.

For me that is a MASSIVE achievement because I suffer from brain paralysis.

I think Finch is succesful because it's not about me - I want my "birb" to not be stuck in his nest all day, and want him to travel the world, so it motivates me to do the things that will enable that.

I have very simple tasks set, such as get out of bed, have a wash/shower, put on clean underwear, deodorant, moisturiser, get dressed, brush teeth, and so on.

All the basics are covered, and I've introduced household tasks, some of which have been more succesful than others.

I've learnt that big things, or work things, just don't happen, but I'm happy that I'm clean and dressed every day.

Urrgh that came out a mess. I forgot the - turns into strike throughs. Oh well it illustrates the point!